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Parenting

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Original poster

DS10, just read explicit texts between DH and I

144 replies

Newmummyagain2018 · 22/04/2018 20:07

Have name changed for this. DS, just turned 10, just read some very explicit sexual texts on whatsapp between DH (his stepdad) and I. He got really upset/angry, is now saying he hates me and wants to live with his dad. I feel like the worst parent ever. Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc. DH is furious and not speaking to me as he said DS invaded our privacy (we have very little time together as it is, DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc). No idea what to do and how to repair the damage. I told DS that he shouldn't read private messages or be on my phone and that DH and I were only joking with the texts but don't think he believes it for a minute. Worried I have scarred him for life. Can anyone please advise what I can/should do?

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:29

Not witty and funny.

S A R C A S T I C...

For a bloody children’s long distance mind reader you’re not great with basic comprehension, are you?

Adviceplease360 · 22/04/2018 21:30

Meanwhile an innocent child is obviously very unhappy and people think he should suck it up because his mums wants should come first.

On mn though a woman's right to have sex and control her own uterus is the most important thing.
Never mind how many older children's childhood and adolescence is completely screwed up as long as mum can have sex and kids with whoever she wants.

YoloSwaggins · 22/04/2018 21:30

@adviceplease, what a load of shit. Kids do not dictate parents lives!

Also OP, this situation in unusual. Plenty of kids have step-parents and half-siblings and adjust really well (and want their mum to be happy with a nice man - I was 6 and really happy when my mum got re-married!), so clearly he does have some sort of issues. The killing baby stuff is not normal at all. Maybe take him to a therapist.......

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10 year olds Families General parenting

YoloSwaggins · 22/04/2018 21:32

Never mind how many older children's childhood and adolescence is completely screwed up as long as mum can have sex and kids with whoever she wants.

Sounds like you're projecting your own issues and using them as an excuse for her son behaving like a complete spoilt brat, while slating OP...

RebelRogue · 22/04/2018 21:32

@Adviceplease360 does the same rule apply when the parents aren't separated? If the first born stamps their feet then they stay an only child family? Really?

Adviceplease360 · 22/04/2018 21:33

Of course kids don't dictate parents lives.
That's why op is in the this fun situation because she dictated her own life and now her kids are dealing with the consequences of poor decisions.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 22/04/2018 21:34

Of course he’s upset about the new baby. Time to give him plenty of love and reassurance. Especially as it sounds like it’s in short supply from your DH.

The snooping is a separate issue and you shouldn’t conflate the two. It’s not ok, he knows that, and you have nothing to explain or apologise for. He will remember the texts, but he won’t be ‘scarred’ by them.

But for goodness’ sake, sort your passwords out!

titchy · 22/04/2018 21:35

he is forced to share his home and mum with strangers?

Where does it say he's living with strangers?

Adviceplease360 · 22/04/2018 21:36

Rebel, assuming you are being genuine...
Children esp boys don't need to compete with their father or siblings for their mother's attention as they feel secure and part of a family but when a new partner comes in even if he is all that the child knows, the child won't feel their place in the family is secure which is why they act out, add another sibling into the mix and you have this situation.

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:39

What about if a child has a severe physical disability or mh issue but the marriage is still in tact. Is another baby permitted in these circumstances...?

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:40

What if the wife is widowed? Is she allowed to ‘shack up’ then, and continue to grow her family?

SpringSnowdrop · 22/04/2018 21:40

OP I’m sorry about the stress you’ve had from this as a horrible feeling he saw them.

I would try to bring about a positive effect from this by really focusing on helping your DS and it does sound like you need some sort of therapy for him but I have no experience of this , somewhere he can feel safe and unload his feelings. And loads and loads of positive, fun time with you to break the trap of negativity - how often do you do things the two of you? I know it’s hard to find time and you’ve already said it’s busy but I think he’ll notice it all the more.

(I took our DC to a water slides place this pm and it is easier to have really good interaction if you can share something they love.
I also wonder whether he can be helped to feel more important with the baby- our eldest was younger but when pregnant I referred to ‘our’ baby in case it helped. And could it be worth telling him that he will be one of the most important people to the baby? and how special it will be for the baby to have him as his brother?
I’m just thinking out loud but do wish you well going through the next few months

RebelRogue · 22/04/2018 21:41

@Adviceplease360 there's some serious projecting going on here. Whatever happened....

However what's done it's done and there's no need to berate OP over and over about it.
The kid needs help,that much is obvious..

Smelliotmumma · 22/04/2018 21:42

You wont scar him for life, Its a great oppertunity to teach him that sometimes when you go digging you find something that you dont want to find....
He's probably annoyed and upset because he's starting to have these feelings for other girls or boys that he knows and is appauled that mum has those feelings too haha.
Its probably a bit of embarrasment and not knowing how to deal with it. I think he probably wont want to talk to you or look at you and your other half for a while but as any other child/young teen as soon as he wants something it will all be forgotten about lol. He will get over it, he might even block it out haha. Wouldnt worry too much

YippeeTipTap · 22/04/2018 21:43

My 4yr old has seen me unlock my phone enough times to work out my passcode!!

Try using fingerprint id or, if your phone doesn’t have it, why don’t you just shield your phone. It’s silly to allow a child to see your password.

CarpetMothsFuckOff · 22/04/2018 21:43

Advice - can you answer this question please. If my three year old says he doesn't want a baby brother or sister, should DH (who is his father btw) and I keep him an only child?

DropItLikeASquat · 22/04/2018 21:45

@Adviceplease360 WTF is your problem with the OP having a second child?
We would all like to be in the position of having a perfect unblended family, with a perfect marriage and the perfect income to support our little dahhhhlings. I don't believe any mother decides that having children and their husband leaving them and then remarrying is the life they want.
still, the OP has remarried and is having a child with her husband (call the womb police)so you need to step down a peg or 2 and be a bit more considerate with your choice of response to the op.
A bit of compassion and humility will get you far.
unless your just being an ass hole for the sake of it.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 22/04/2018 21:46

Your DS seems to have no respect for you and the power dynamics in this situation are all wrong. I would be beyond furious if my DS read my messages once, never mind multiple times. What consequences have you put in place in response for him doing this? What consequences were put in place when he said he wanted to kill your unborn child? He may be feeling jealous etc but he is 10, not a toddler, and that comment was absolutely unacceptable. It sounds like his behaviour is becoming beyond your control, and I think you need to get stricter quickly, or how much will this escalate by the time he is 14/15?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 22/04/2018 21:46

@DropItLikeASquat well said

Kelsoooo · 22/04/2018 21:47

@adviceplease

As a stepchild (have a step mum and in SDad 2): half sibling three times over, have been a step mum and have children of my own one of whom has a step dad..... I feel fairly qualified to say, you’re projecting the worst possible scenario here.

Neither me, Nor my siblings felt this way. My children, nor step son do/did. In fact, most of what you say never crossed any of our minds.

So lay the fuck off, you’re making out that you’re speaking for all children in a step family set up and you sure as hell aren’t.

In fact, I don’t know any one who’s been a step child who has felt half as strongly as you’re making out.

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:47

unless your just being an ass hole for the sake of it.

Rachie1973 · 22/04/2018 21:50

Adviceplease

And yes stay celibate and focus on your kids till they are 18.

I think you should take your Daddy issues elsewhere.

bakingdemon · 22/04/2018 21:51

Why are some posters being so unpleasant to the OP? Why shouldn't she and her DH have a child together? You often can't predict how a child will react to the prospect of a sibling before it arrives or they can see preparations being made for its existence. This is a little boy who needs boundaries and is using emotional blackmail on his mother, which as the other sensible posters have pointed out is bang out of order.

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/04/2018 21:54

Stay celibate till the kids are 18 and focus your attention on them?

🤣🤣🤣

I agree with Kaitlin. He shouldn’t have taken the phone and he shouldn’t have read your messages.

DropItLikeASquat · 22/04/2018 21:54

OP- being blunt here, co's thats how I roll .
people do stupid shit.
times that by a million when your a 10 year old boy.
You say, don't touch my phone without asking.... he says, ill take that bet and raise you---reading through all ur private stuff.
It happens, he will remember what he read, not in a 'scarred for life' way but rather a 'ugh my parents do that' and 'that will teach me to look through mums stuff' kinda way.
I remember walking in on my mum and dad DTD when I was around 12/13. FFS, even now I can see it, but.....20 years later I remember and will laugh my mum 'remember that morning I walked in on you and dad' and she sarcastically replies 'remember the million times I told you not to come in my bedroom without knocking first'.

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