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Original poster

DS10, just read explicit texts between DH and I

144 replies

Newmummyagain2018 · 22/04/2018 20:07

Have name changed for this. DS, just turned 10, just read some very explicit sexual texts on whatsapp between DH (his stepdad) and I. He got really upset/angry, is now saying he hates me and wants to live with his dad. I feel like the worst parent ever. Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc. DH is furious and not speaking to me as he said DS invaded our privacy (we have very little time together as it is, DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc). No idea what to do and how to repair the damage. I told DS that he shouldn't read private messages or be on my phone and that DH and I were only joking with the texts but don't think he believes it for a minute. Worried I have scarred him for life. Can anyone please advise what I can/should do?

OP posts:
pallisers · 22/04/2018 20:58

many kids have walked in on their parents having sex. He isn't scarred for life. Agree with others - he really needs to understand that what he read doesn't trump the fact that he seriously invaded your privacy.

Clearly there is something significant going on with him given your updates. Is there any way you can get him to a therapist - threatening to kill the baby etc isn't a really usual response. He sounds depressed tbh - if often manifests as anger in younger kids. How about his contact with his dad? Could there be anything going on there that is affecting him?

RebelRogue · 22/04/2018 20:59

@Newmummyagain2018 have you been to the GP? More on the mental health side rather than ASD,ADD etc side?
His reactions are not normal. He might be angry,insecure,afraid but what he says and threatens is not ok. He also needs an outlet for these feelings. I would look into getting him some therapy by himself first,and then family therapy together.

Something is really broken here and a new passcode won't fix it.

And once again no he will not be scarred for life.

Out of curiosity,when did he get angry? Before or after he got caught?

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 20:59

Nope. No way. He will never forget. I found a naughty video in my parents room once. Totally unexpected but totally because I was snooping in their room. Blush

Grossed me out. As I got older understood it more. But I’ve never forgotten.

I also never told them because there would have been no sympathy for my me and being potentially scarred, but I would absolutely have been punished for snooping - and rightly so.

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PurpleCrowbar · 22/04/2018 20:59

& if you lock it down properly, there'll be not much point him lifting it from your bag! Although I'd be putting sanctions in place for him going in your bag in the first place.

Dd2 is also 10 & currently going through a phase of liberating my makeup & jewellery. I feel your pain! But you have a 'dc who needs to respect boundaries' problem not a 'traumatised because mum has a private life' problem IMO.

Original poster
Newmummyagain2018 · 22/04/2018 20:59

I haven't stopped love bombing him. He clearly needs another approach, i.e. stronger discipline. He is unhappy and very insecure about this baby. He feels betrayed. I have said everything I can to reassure him but nothing works. He has also repeatedly eavesdropped on mine and DH's private conversations about sensitive matters. Not sure why he persists in doing it.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 22/04/2018 21:00

Your DS behaved very badly. He deserves to be be punished, you did nothing wrong. Do not apologise.

He should be embarrassed not you.

Oddcat · 22/04/2018 21:01

I think the fact that he is more angry than you are is quite telling . It sounds as if he is ruling the roost, you need to turn the tables and regain control.

Original poster
Newmummyagain2018 · 22/04/2018 21:02

Adviceplease, DH and I have been together for nearly 7 years (my ex left us when DS was 3) so we really haven''t rushed into having a baby. I am 41 so it was now or never.

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 22/04/2018 21:02

Like a pp said he probably won’t forget it as such but as he matures, he will understand that messages like that are normal between consenting partners and he will get over it. He will probably always wish he hadn’t checked your messages but consider that a lesson (hopefully) learned.

Adviceplease360 · 22/04/2018 21:03

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TheJoyOfSox · 22/04/2018 21:03

I hope you’ve told him that he was incredibly rude to read your messages and he has got his just desserts for invading your privacy!

RebelRogue · 22/04/2018 21:04

He's doing it because it's a form of control. The need to know what is going on,when,why even if completely irrelevant to him. Has he always been like this?

Did he know you were trying for a baby or was it sprung on him?

GummyGoddess · 22/04/2018 21:04

Has he always disliked your DH?

Liara · 22/04/2018 21:06

Of course he won't be scarred, he's 10 not 2!

A friend found a huge stash of porn in her mother's room when I was 9. We were most interested, and I've never forgotten it (it is in fact the only porn I have ever looked at in my life!), but it in no way scarred me. And it was very, very graphic hardcore stuff. This is just a few texts.

By 10 he is more than old enough to know that adults have sex, and that they talk about it sometimes. What's the big deal? He's playing up because he's playing up, and rather successfully managing to deflect from his own fault in this.

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:07

Adviceplease360 Op son sounds like a spoilt little mister. Why should he control her uterus!?

GummyGoddess · 22/04/2018 21:07

@Adviceplease360 So Op and other separated parents should be celibate forever and ever more and not dare to want any more children?

I have lived with my mothers 2nd husband (now divorced) and he was a violent bully. That doesn't mean that I think nobody should ever have another relationship or baby after they have had children in one relationship.

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:08

rather successfully managing to deflect from his own fault in this

^this

BadTasteFlump · 22/04/2018 21:08

OP ignore what adviceplease posted - imho it's bollocks.

I agree that you did nothing wrong; your phone messages are your business and he shoudn't have been snooping. But clearly there's more of a problem going on than that and it needs sorting.

Could you ask your GP for a referral for some counselling for him or even for family therapy?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/04/2018 21:08

He sounds deeply unhappy having a step dad forced into his life and another baby was only ever going to make things much worse.

You put your own wants ahead of his needs and now wonder why he has issues??

Adviceplease360 · 22/04/2018 21:10

Adviceplease360 Op son sounds like a spoilt little mister. Why should he control her uterus!?

Or he's a confused little boy who needs to know his mother is prioritising him. He's not an adult man dictating a woman's life. He's her son who clearly doesn't want a sibling and is feeling insecure and unloved.
As his parent, it is her responsibility to put his needs before hers.
Reminder, he is ten!

NashvilleQueen · 22/04/2018 21:10

I agree that he shouldn’t have looked but my children (11 and 8) routinely use my phone for games and photos etc so I would be very careful if there was anything on there I didn’t want them to see.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 21:10

How does he get on with his father, OP? Is he happier there?

NotTerfNorCis · 22/04/2018 21:10

It's embarrassing, but it's entirely his own fault. You're the one who should be angry and he should be sorry, not the other way round.

CackleCrackle · 22/04/2018 21:10

Isn’t this just the modern day equivalent of when you hear your parents having sex and cotton on to what it is? Surely most of us had that experience at some point.

I agree, you need to consider taking him to a therapist for dealing with his feelings better, he needs better coping strategies, and also, consequences for not listening to the rules like don’t touch my iPhone...

BadTasteFlump · 22/04/2018 21:11

Oh jeez the crap just keeps on coming. OP has already said that her ex left her and she has been with her partner for seven years - so the new baby is hardly 'rushed'.