DS10, just read explicit texts between DH and I

[Newmummyagain2018]

Have name changed for this. DS, just turned 10, just read some very explicit sexual texts on whatsapp between DH (his stepdad) and I. He got really upset/angry, is now saying he hates me and wants to live with his dad. I feel like the worst parent ever. Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc. DH is furious and not speaking to me as he said DS invaded our privacy (we have very little time together as it is, DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc). No idea what to do and how to repair the damage. I told DS that he shouldn't read private messages or be on my phone and that DH and I were only joking with the texts but don't think he believes it for a minute. Worried I have scarred him for life. Can anyone please advise what I can/should do?

Not guilt-tripping you here OP, but you're divorced, remarried to a man who seems not to like your son very much, and are 7 months pregnant. Your son is very young and probably knows very little about sex and doesn't want to know any more. And you describe him as having 'a difficult personality'. I imagine it must have been quite horrible and disturbing for him to have seen your texts. Before anything else can i suggest a massive dose of TLC?

If he has a history of snooping, why isn't your phone password protected? It's such a simple step to take.

Sounds like he doesn't like his stepdad too much? And his stepdad doesn't like him too much?

The phone snooping was wrong of him, of course but in context it makes sense. He is insecure and feels the need to check up on his mum. He doesn't feel loved, because mums actions of having a child and shacking up with another man don't make him feel loved despite what she says.
And yes stay celibate and focus on your kids till they are 18.

I am also curious whether he has always disliked your husband?

Another you have nothing to apologise for my Ds year 6 has just done sex education. He now knows about sex.

I think the other issues do need addressing . You live him unconditionally and you have enough room in your heart for both of you . The killing baby . Make it clear this is an unacceptable way to speak and refuse to discuss this but do talk about you love him exactly the same .

Calm approach , short immediate so you can move on .

Well it's done now..baby is on the way,and he needs to be on board with this...that's your main problem.forget the messages.brush them under the carpet,don't mention them,it's yesterday's news...now start focusing on yr dh and ds and what activities they can do together to get them to bond and thus give you space to enjoy your pregnancy...would he line a pet of his own? Something to love ,and for your dh to help him with?..or sport together both working their way through some judo belts together

He's her son who clearly doesn't want a sibling and is feeling insecure and unloved.

Reminder he is 10. 10 year olds don’t get a vote when it comes to creating another human being - even if it is a sibling!

shacking up

4/10

He's her son who clearly doesn't want a siblin

And since when do parents allow their first born to decide whether or not they have another? Ffs.

The dp has been there for as long as the Ds can remember. It's not some new bloke who's turned up, moved in and got mum upduffed within a few months of his parents separating.

No they don't get a vote user but you would expect a parent to think of the effect on their existing kids before forcing another one on them just because mum wants a baby with the new man.

OP
and the kids always manage to get my passwords

They are either genius’s or you are really slack about phone security. Try setting the phones up to use your fingerprints as security and start being careful with your password. If you are having problem with him then don’t make it too easy for him to misbehave.

The dp has been there for as long as the Ds can remember. It's not some new bloke who's turned up, moved in and got mum upduffed within a few months of his parents separating.

Obviously the child doesn't feel this way and why shouldn't his feelings matter when he is forced to share his home and mum with strangers?

He clearly has other deep issues regarding your new relationship and baby on the way. Maybe you should have prioritised your existing child rather than rushing of to have another child with someone else.

I agree. He sounds extremely insecure, the opposite of how a child should feel in their family life, and reading those texts must have been traumatising. He will never forget it and is probably disgusted. Obviously you can’t do anything about it now but just be more careful with your messages in future.

How did he find out your password? I cant work that out
Lots of sympathy. DOnt let him make it to be a bigger thing than it needs to be

He shouldn’t have gone into your phone and read your messages. Going into your bag to take the phone is not ok. You need to let the guilt go with regards to ‘scarring’.

Obviously the child doesn't feel this way and why shouldn't his feelings matter when he is forced to share his home and mum with strangers?

Move over Jeremy Kyle, aul’ adviceplease has it all worked out! The Autism assessment couldn’t get to the bottom of it, Camhs are stumped but a stranger on the Internet has got inside this boys head and the problem is...

He can’t control mummy’s uterus or sex life.

---

Close the thread, all worked out! Phew.

Yeah username when you don't have an adult response resort to 'humour'

Obviously there are other issues here - I am thinking about his attitude to the unborn child etc - but really your DS has a massive problem with boundaries - my jaw dropped when I read many of your posts:

Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc.
They shouldn't EVER be on your devices - how dare they!

He had taken it without asking to play a game
He is the one at fault here then

went into my whatsapp and read my messages.
Has he any idea what a shitty thing that is to do to anyone, never mind one's parent?

I have talked to him about privacy
I think he needs a bollocking about privacy

but more worried about the effect on him of reading those messages.
Which wouldn't be a problem if he knew to keep his nose out of other people's private matters.

I did give him a mild telling off.
I would have wiped the floor with him

the kids always manage to get my passwords.
You make it sound like some kind of game - they should NOT be doing this AT ALL.

He has also repeatedly eavesdropped on mine and DH's private conversations about sensitive matters.
Obviously you need to be more careful where and when you have these sorts of conversations - but again, how dare he?

I would be getting a lot madder with him than you seem to have done so far and I don't blame your DP for being annoyed - you really don't have any privacy from this child. This is not your fault and I think a bit of righteous indignation on your part wouldn't come amiss.

That is not to say that you shouldn't get support for him for other issues - but I would try and get one of those fingerprint protected phones and come down very hard on any further breaches of your privacy.

Adviceplease360 I wasn’t using humour I was using sarcasm. HTH.

I don't think it matters how long the DH has been around. The DH quite clearly resents the step children and it I'll ge much worse very likely once their own chid comes along.

Meanwhile an innocent child is obviously very unhappy and people think he should suck it up because his mums wants should come first.

My 4yr old has seen me unlock my phone enough times to work out my passcode!! I would imagine a bright ten year old could manage it in a few days. People you live with you should be able to trust enough to not have to leave the room to type your pin.

Yes yes username you are witty and funny.
Off you go now

@Adviceplease360 you are a buffoon.

Let him go and live with his dad.I really do think knowing he uses your phone...(don't know why you can't have a password he doesnt find out about) you should have deleted the messages.

Yes...he won't forget the content...it may come over as hurtful to him.....but he should think about it less and less over time.

You've let him take charge and you've allowed a lack of respect to the point he takes your phone from your bag.

He's 10. He should know better than that and he needs firmer boundaries and consequences.

What punishment does he get for disobeying you normally? Like removing your phone?

Saying he'd kill the baby isn't normal. Try and get him some therapy.