DS10, just read explicit texts between DH and I

[Newmummyagain2018]

Have name changed for this. DS, just turned 10, just read some very explicit sexual texts on whatsapp between DH (his stepdad) and I. He got really upset/angry, is now saying he hates me and wants to live with his dad. I feel like the worst parent ever. Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc. DH is furious and not speaking to me as he said DS invaded our privacy (we have very little time together as it is, DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc). No idea what to do and how to repair the damage. I told DS that he shouldn't read private messages or be on my phone and that DH and I were only joking with the texts but don't think he believes it for a minute. Worried I have scarred him for life. Can anyone please advise what I can/should do?

My iPhone needs a fingerprint to unlock it. And it's three years old.

In regards to him not being happy about baby on the way.. and how everyone seems to be jumping on you about YOUR decision to have another baby... He'll get over it... Thats my honest answer...it will become normal soon and enough..
With his anger issues, or at least that what it sounds like, i know at that age i was very angry and confused it was just growth, also if your going down the route of medical checks for autism etc it just tells me that, this is your son right now, he will be ok it just might take him a little longer than other kids his age to get his head around things, he needs love and reassurance yes, but that doesnt mean he gets away with being discaplined either. If he doesnt want to be treated differently then hes going to have to take the good with the bad. Im just wondering- do people at school know all his problems/tests etc at the moment? He might feel a little excluded there aswel as home with bubba on the way if they do.. i would suggest sitting down with him and asking how he feels like an adult or a child and discapline based on his answer...balls in his court then..

Now SpringSnowdrop's advice is useful, and compassionate (take note adviceplease, in case you are ever, you know, as your username suggests, looking for advice, this might be what you'd like, not some bitter harpie intent on criticising your choices and not actually offering any actual advice).

OP, your ds shouldn't be snooping, but you know that. Your DH has every right to be annoyed but must still remember that at 10yo, this is a big life event, and he too needs to show ds some compassion and understanding. Yes, he's angry (DH), but he's also an adult and as so should be able to deal with that anger healthily and move past it.

Agree with pp advice re therapy, also positive reinforcement for good behaviours from ds and lots and lots of reassurance re the baby.

As for the 'women should never ever consider another relationship if they have children and their current relationship doesn't work out' brigade, please take your narrow minded views and shove 'em!!

I think you've historically shot yourself in the foot here. If my child stole my phone from my bag and broke in by entering my password... there's no way they would be keeping their own devices or be playing games. Your son was very wrong to invade your privacy, and you aren't unreasonable for sending/receiving those messages - but why would you keep those on there knowing your son has zero respect for your privacy? How do they find out your password over and over? I'm not surprised your DH is pissed off.

OP, how is your DS at school? If looking at diagnoses for ASD/ADHD I take it his behaviour may be an issue at school too?

I think your DH not talking to you and blaming you for what happened is way OTT. You give an insight also into his feelings towards your DS. I wonder what he is like in the home - and whether this is contributing to your DS's feelings as a whole.

You say your DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc so I wonder if your DH is very negative towards them? You don't mention any positives.

As for the txts, I don't think that's a huge issue for most kids who come across this sort of stuff (I did when younger myself!), but for your DS who is having behavioural issues which may be a result of the dynamic within the family, he may be quite upset. However there may also be a bit of guilt in there as he knows he shouldn't have looked but is trying to shift that feeling elsewhere.

Op, what is the relationship like between DH and DS normally? Does DH love him genuinely like he would a son of his own? The tone of your posts suggests that this is not the case and so maybe this is at the root of his misbehaviour?

He is right. I have totally screwed up and this will probably scar DS for life.

No it won't. He will get over it as millions of kids have done so befefore. It can't be any worse than walking in on your parents DTD.

The reason why I ask about behaviour at school is school's can have access to support for kids struggling so may be worth a chat with school too, as well as GP, or even just go straight to CAHMS yourself over your concerns.

I do feel sorry for him. In my experience it's utterly shit to be the only half wanted kid in a blended family where the new baby is wanted by both parents. You can feel like an outsider in your own family and I can't emphasise enough how much that can suck.

It sounds like your DH needs to be putting in some serious work with your DS to try to build a stronger bond between them to help your DS feel more secure.

That said - I think your boundaries are very lax. I'd go APESHIT if any of my kids went into my bag and took my phone without permission, and they absolutely wouldn't do it as they would know that's not ok. He's obviously learned the hard way, but it's really disgusting to go into someone else's messages and snoop. I think he got exactly the punishment he deserved for this. I'd talk to him about what he read and explain anything that was confusing or worrying to him in terms of sex education but I absolutely would not apologise for having a private sexual life with my partner. I think some stricter boundaries would help him to feel safer.

I think people are being quite harsh to a ten year old about the snooping, women on here go snooping on their partner's phone all the time, when? When they feel insecure which is clearly how this boy feels. I'm not saying it's right, but he's ten for gods sake!

Thanks all for the really helpful advice and reassurance. Makes a big difference. DH has been around since DCs were 3 and 1 and has brought a huge amount of support and comfort to all of us. He used to have a very good relationship with DS but it has suffered in the last year or so as DS has become increasingly disrespectful and DH annoyed with my failure to deal with it properly (DH is way stricter).

Not going to bother responding to ridiculous accusations about daring to have another baby other than to say we thought long and hard about it and that DS has always been difficult, even before this. I know he is feeling insecure about the new baby and have done everything I can to reassure him but it's not making any difference. As DH says, DS seems to think the decision to have a baby should have been his, not ours.

School flagged up issues several years ago, suggested autism which was ruled out, and repeated low level issues with inattention (calling out, being the class clown etc). Spoke to senco and deputy head a while back - deputy knows him well and, in his words, said "he doesn't present as an unhappy child." We all agree there is some sort of issue. My approach has been love and reassure but now worried I need to focus on discipline more as he clearly has zero respect. DH is frustrated as he said our lives revolve around DS and his behaviour and me trying to please or appease him which never works. I took both DCs on holiday Feb half term without DH and DS was horrid the entire week. I was relieved to come home.

Going to look into a child psychologist, tighten up on discipline and routine and but keep being loving and reassuring. What else can I do? I am hoping that when the baby arrives in June DS will realise that it is no threat to him and things will start to improve.

What happened a year ago when his behaviour started escalating?

Relax about the sex messages he will learn about sex soon enough.. .or has already. Embarrassing for you but it s natural and he must know you have and have had sex if you pregnant....

Why do 8 and 10 yr old sleep badly ? What does that involve? Are they seeking you out?
Maybe there is school counsellor he can talk to.

Do they both spend time with their dad?
Presumably You get private time then ?
A new baby will take up time how will dh cope?

Child psychologist yes but also family therapy and get your dh frustrations addressed.. .of course you have to spend time on your ds trying to work out what is going on!
Talk to school again.
Don't assume everything will be ok with new baby.. . But get him seen by psychologist before so if there are issues you have sone One to go to for advice.. .

Have you tried rewarding the good behaviour. How much pocket money does he get. Someone I know put her childs pocket money in a jar at the start of the week, and took some out if she was badly behaved and put some in if she earned it. So she might start off with £1.00 in the jar, and if she didn't do as she was asked or she was mean to her siblings or some such then 5p was taken out. If she did her homework without arguing 5p was put in. Seeing the money go up and down was much more effective than just being given less on pocket money day.

A new baby the first for your dh and you is bound to have an impact.... Naturally you will focus on baby to a degree and both older kids may feel pushed out...tho a child psychologist may be able to give some strategies to you and dh to avoid that. Your dh their step dad needs to be on board . You hint at dh resenting dd and ds for impinging on your time. . ? But I am sure it can be resolved ....

Cestlavie, yes, both DCs see their dad more or less EOW and quite a lot in between. My ex and I don't really get along - convinced he has narcissistic personality disorder. He's quite a strange character but, I think, does the best he can for DCs and they tolerate him.

The sleeping isn't too bad other than I often don't get home from work until 7.30 and so bedtime gets later and later. DD has also decided she wants to sleep in DS"s bed and will get up in the night to go there. I put her back but she will go back again. She has also started coming into DH's bed at 6am. Fine with me but DH is not happy plus I am tired from getting up several times to put DD back.

There is a counsellor at school who I spoke to before who was fab. I mentioned to DS a few months ago that he should see her to talk through his feelings about the baby but he refused point blank. Maybe I should arrange something outside of school. I will talk to school again but I know they are doing their best to help him but nothing seems to work. Luckily he is strong academically though I think would be doing a lot better if he paid more attention. Two of his teachers commented that he has low self esteem - you would never think it as he seems very confident and alpha male - but makes sense to me. I try all the time to booster him up, tell him how much I love him etc etc, all to no avail. DH then says I am pandering to him too much. I think stronger boundaries and discipline are the next things to try.

Have tried rewards. He loves the cinema so I will take him there is he has behaved well. Loves food so I make or order stuff he likes. Nothing seems to work. I think I have gone too far down the appeasement route which has led to him becoming entitled.

@adviceplease have reported you for many, if not all of your posts

It sounds a bit like your DH is a bit too strict for your liking, and you try and overcompensate by being over 'soft' and this may be causing issues between you and him and your DS.

I think the jar was so successful because they could see it shrinking/growing straight away. So although they had to wait till pocket money day to keep it, the rewards/punishment was instant. Trying to be good for a week to get a treat can be very difficult. Different strategies work for different children and you often have to try lots before you find the magic one.

And I'm sure you are, but make sure he sometimes gets to pick what you do as a family. Maybe he could pick a meal one night a week, or a film to watch. Give him some input into the baby, ask him if there is any names he likes, he may come up with one you and DH love, let him help you pick some clothes etc for baby.

Why don't you just leave dd ? To sleep wherever? Does ds complain ?
You can't keep getting up and down all night...

You have said a lot your dh is unhappy or not happy with things. Mostly things which are par for course with having dc. They come to your room get in your way impinge on private time etc. And you are trying to work out ds....

It must be hard for you being in middle of it all!

Speak to school yes. It s hard to get a 10 year old to talk to a counsellor ( dd did and it was useful...dealing with exp) and not a good idea to suggest what specific topic should be about.... let the counsellor delve.
A family counsellor will use different techniques and will use tools to explore how a child sees family and their position in it.
Like drawing a family tree....get out paper ask both dc to draw their home(s) and the people in their family.... it can give you clues as to how they see it and can be surprising. Where do they put you and dh? Where do they put the new baby? Sit with them and do one yourself too.

Or play a game of what would be your ideal holiday where and who.

The book "how to talk so kids will listen " has useful ideas.

Establishing a weekly or regular family cinema trip eg kids saturday cheap tickets ...is good and should not be used as a punishment...it could be the only time ds feels ok to chat and talk.

DS1 (11) sounds quite similar to yours (but with two full-siblings and without the step-dad/pregnancy) - also assessed for ADHD but not found to have it. CAMHS were brilliant and the two things they suggested that worked the best were 10 minutes of time dedicated to him every day (doesn't sound much, but is quite hard to manage in a busy day) and an awesomeness chart (where you write two things that he has done well each day - perhaps your DH could do this too, to rediscover the positives in your DS - it isn't easy, when you have got yourselves into a downward spiral, but you build up from little things to bigger achievements as their self-esteem grows). They also recommended a book called "The Incredible Years" which has some great chapters on helping children, but also on not beating yourself up as a parent. We're not perfect by any means, but when we can keep this going, it works so much better. Good luck!