Why is my baby so hard?

[MrsNut88]

Hi everyone
Please can someone tell me I’m not alone?
My baby is nearly 9 months. She had colic for the first 4 months of her life and was really really challenging. She point blank refused to breastfeed she was so stubborn from
The off.
I find her such hard work. She won’t sit in buggy/stroller without screaming! We even bought a new buggy to no avail
She won’t sit or play by herself ever! I have to entertain her 24/7
She won’t eat - only wants milk
She wakes a lot in the night and we’ve only just got her sleeping in her own room in a cot
She won’t go in the car for long journeys or she screams bloody murder!
Even if I go for a meal with friends she has to be held and won’t allow me to just eat
I’ve tried the letting her cry method to try and show her she can’t have it all her own way (especially when going out in the Pram) but she will cry for 1hour plus and I just find it so distressing!
We used to go to lots of baby groups but while the other babies would sit and play or listen she was fidgety and whingy
I know I shouldn’t compare but other mums seem to have better behaved babies
Any advice/suggestions please? Especially in relation to taking her out in the car /buggy! I’ve tried toys even bought the steering wheel you connect to no avail: have a sling but it’s not practical she’s 22lbs and it hurts my back when carrying her anywhere for long periods
At this point I’m desperate to go back to work for a break!

I sympathise. Some babies/children are much harder work than others. I mean, they're all hard work to a certain extent, but some are much more highly strung.

They do get better. My first child started getting easier at 4. My second is about to turn 3 and I'm still waiting and going grey and drinking a lot of wine

It is difficult , I sympathise.
Firstly , are you planning to go back to work at 12 months? If so I don't see what is wrong with going back now. DC will have attention all day and all evening from you and your relationship will feel better. I know several people who have made this decision very successfully.
Secondly , can you look differently at her behaviours? She isn't being stubborn or deliberately awkward she is just learning to be in the world. Go along with it, try not to compare . Eating is an example, she just might not be ready. Babies don't learn by being taught , they watch and develop the ability and then give it a try. Plonk in high chair (or on your lap) with some bits of food in front while you are eating. Lots of signs of enjoyment from you and she will get the hang of it when ready.
I see lots of mothers of babies and read lots of threads on here and many many babies are not sleeping at night,not napping, not doing much eating, not good with beakers, needing constant attention . It is normal but if you worry that something different should be happening it will be very wearing and get you down mood wise.

It is tough, you're not the first person to feel like this and you will get through it.

I don't have any practical advice but my friends baby was the hardest baby I have seen (she left lunch in the middle of her meal once, poor soul). This baby is the most thoughtful and well behaved toddler then child i have ever known she is now 7 and still lovely and very easy going. Hopefully you turn a corner soon.

Some babies are definitely harder than others, it's just their personality. My DS1 was a very high needs baby, never content, always crying. Now he's 3 he's better but still cries a lot. DS2 is the most chilled baby imaginable. I haven't done anything different, he was just born more chilled.
So no real advice but I understand your pain! It does get better

aaaand clearly absolutelycrackers has no experience whatsoever of a high needs baby.

You were being mean to another new mother unnecessarily on a different thread recently weren't you absolutely? What a weird way to get your kicks!

Don't compare yourself to other people, they probably aren't doing anything different to you, your baby just has a different temperament. Hopefully more helpful people will be along soon to tell you all about their high needs babies too and show you that you aren't alone.

Sadly I believe time is often the only cure. Often things start to improve when they are more mobile, it certainly helped my DD who was similar. Can you afford nursery one day a week or something to give yourself a break in the meantime?

Have you also ruled out things like reflux or dietary issues?

absolutelycrackers what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not understand that some babies are quite easy while others are screaming balls of constant misery (ie high needs babies) and that not everyone has help available so they can just "grab a break"? Are you even a parent?

OP I could have written your post myself a few years ago. It was horrible. A really really miserable time. Lots of sympathy from me. I used to find baby groups really depressing as everyone else seemed to be enjoying their lovely happy babies while mine screamed 24/7 and I dreaded every minute I had to spend with her.

Have you got Home Start in your area? It might be worth getting in touch with them.

Wow. Watch your empathy doesn’t choke you, crackers.

To a point, babies are hard and require a lot of input, however your DD sounds particularly ‘high needs’, OP. I do think perseverance with socialisation, weaning, all aspects to be honest, are key. Stick with it. The baby days are relentless, especially when you’ve got a Velcro baby. Have you got a helpful health visitor? What is their take?

LML83 I wondered if you were talking about me for a minute until I realised your friend's child is older than mine! Nobody had ever seen a baby like mine. But she turned into a lovely toddler. She's 3.5 now and a really great kid, if only I'd known in the first year how lovely she would become it might have got me through the long, long days.

Poor you. I've been at my wit's end and I've got a relatively easy baby girl. Everyone else has had great advice for you. If she's quite big but likes to ride on you, can I suggest you look at a little life ranger backpack carrier (cheapest, but I bought one and I'm still carrying 16mo 10.5kg DD in it at 28 weeks pregnant for short distances). She loves it. Gets a great view and we can talk and communicate way better than when she's in the pram. She'll sleep in it too.

Also, please don't be afraid to bang on the health visitors door. It's what they are there for, even if all you need is a chat or a cry or a vent. I'm pursuing some attachment therapy via mine because I am struggling. Keep talking here too. Hugs for you.

Ignore crackers, that was horrible.

My first two DC were absolutely easy peasy. My third DC? Reflux, colic, CMPA, severe hayfever, she was superglued to me 24/7 and screamed when she wasn’t. I was/am a lone parent to her and had nobody to give me a break. She never slept for more than 1-2 hours until she was 18 months. I spent most days sobbing, I won’t lie, it absolutely broke me. She’s 26 months now and is still highly strung but has settled beautifully into Nursery and finally sleeps through for 8 hours 50% of the time, which doesnt sound much but for me it’s loads of sleep!

Also - a sling saved me so many times. I could clean/cook with her strapped to me.

Hi I have just posted a topic with similar issues. Even just knowing someone else is experiencing this makes me feel a bit better. I have twins though and it's so hard with own requiring constant attention I feel so bad for my other little girl.

No advice just

my little girl 10 months is very like yours. She is hard work and is back in our room after her sleep went to shit. Weve made a co sleeper cot (took one side off) on the lowest setting that has helped. Also get a carrier I wouldn't be with out mine now I have a mei tai type I bought mine last month in a desperate struggle and its helped loads.

Mine was like this, in the end I ditched the bastard fucking expensive bugaboo buggy and literally carried him in a sling for 10hours a day.

He cried from the moment he woke until the moment he went to bed.

I was broken.

Getting into a good routine was key for me, google the 234 routine.

Some babies are just really hard work, you have my sympathy. All my friends wandered around looking so content and happy with their little babies in their buggy's or happy playing on the floor ... not mine, mine screamed fucking blue murder all day. ALL DAY.

But now here is the very thing you must listen too .... my DS now is the happiest, loveable and loving four year old. He is polite, well behaved apart from normal four year old whinging

I PROMISE YOU .... it does get better, Mark my words.

And any fucker that tells you to "let them cry" or "mine doesn't do that" or "is there something wrong with your baby"

A big FUCK OFF ..... and give yourself an extra pat on the back

Hi OP, my DD 10mths is a high needs baby too with lots of 'spirit' 🙈. She is one of the only babies i have ever known that still cries in the bloody car! She is okish on short journeys but if you stop the car at traffic lights or anything like that, she kicks off! Same in the buggy, i had visions of taking her for lots of walks to help me lose weight, no chance, once she's decided she's had enough that's it. All hell breaks loose! Also never sleeps through the night, she will go to bed ok but after waking in the night, it's impossible to get her back in to cot, so she ends up in bed with me and poor DH in the spare room. It's either that or im up and down for the rest of the night and with work and other kids to contend with, i just can't deal with it. Most tea times i end up trying to eat with her on my knee or trying to climb up my legs if she's on floor with her toys. They are very hard work! No real advice tbh, just take comfort that you are not alone in this and i think as they get older and more independent, things should change. My best mate says it's because they are highly intelligent and get bored easily, who knows if there's any truth in it?!

You are not alone, my first baby was like that OP. Your desperation brought it all back. It's horrible but it passes.
I did not even try to do things that would be difficult (going for a meal, baby groups). Fortunately (sort of) my baby was small, I put him in a sling and walked for miles every day - it helped my mood too. The backpack sounds like a good idea.
Also, you have survived 9 months. That's the worst of it done.

The car bit resonates with me. My eldest screamed in her car seat and only stopped when we moved up to the next group one. She'd scream the whole time. Wouldn't sleep or anything from being 6 weeks old.
What I did find helpful was a playlist of nursery rhyme songs. For some reason she'd be fine if we played head shoulders knees and toes or the wheels on the bus. Maybe try playing something like that at home and see how she responds. Failing that I can recommend the joie every stage car seat - we've had no screaming since moving her to it (it goes from newborn to 12).

Summer my son who was a 'high needs' baby is very intelligent. He's sharp and intense but very kind (emotional intelligence too I think). I can see why he was the way he was as a baby. It's worth it.

The only hope I can give you is it will get better.
I had DD who exclusively bf for 3 years (throughout my whole pregnancy with her db).
Your DD sounds very like my DD with regards to not playing and having to be constantly entertained.
Trying to get DD and ds to sleep involved a lot of driving around at night then carefully transferring them to their beds at times.

Ds had colic for 2 weeks and that was sole destroying.

Ds walked at 9months and would run around in shops. Refused to get in his buggy. DD was also a runner. (Usually in the opposite direction to ds).

When DD was awake I would constantly have to carry her everywhere. I couldn't take my eyes off them.
Eating out was a no no. Both would grab at anything within their reach.
If it is any consolation DD is 18 and is everything you could hope for whilst friends ds who as a baby was so placid is a complete teenage nightmare

I recommend The Pogues for car journeys, it worked for a while. I also used to take a bag of unfamiliar toys and present them to him one at a time.

Worthwhile comment thanks

Worthwhile comment thanks @absolutelycrackers

Thanks everyone for the comments
I guess I just need to go with the flow
Don’t get me wrong I do get a break other people have her but I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to make her happier!
She does have reflux that may play some part but she’s had it since birth as well