Why is my baby so hard?

[MrsNut88]

Hi everyone
Please can someone tell me I’m not alone?
My baby is nearly 9 months. She had colic for the first 4 months of her life and was really really challenging. She point blank refused to breastfeed she was so stubborn from
The off.
I find her such hard work. She won’t sit in buggy/stroller without screaming! We even bought a new buggy to no avail
She won’t sit or play by herself ever! I have to entertain her 24/7
She won’t eat - only wants milk
She wakes a lot in the night and we’ve only just got her sleeping in her own room in a cot
She won’t go in the car for long journeys or she screams bloody murder!
Even if I go for a meal with friends she has to be held and won’t allow me to just eat
I’ve tried the letting her cry method to try and show her she can’t have it all her own way (especially when going out in the Pram) but she will cry for 1hour plus and I just find it so distressing!
We used to go to lots of baby groups but while the other babies would sit and play or listen she was fidgety and whingy
I know I shouldn’t compare but other mums seem to have better behaved babies
Any advice/suggestions please? Especially in relation to taking her out in the car /buggy! I’ve tried toys even bought the steering wheel you connect to no avail: have a sling but it’s not practical she’s 22lbs and it hurts my back when carrying her anywhere for long periods
At this point I’m desperate to go back to work for a break!

Evilharpy even to know I’m not alone is a big help! Haven’t looked into that but will thanks a lot!

@evilharpy glad your little one is easier now too!

@mrsnut just remembered a jumperoo was brilliant for my baby at that age. Might be worth a look to help entertain her and give you a break from entertaining.

@strongerthan thanks so much looking into the routine now!

@SummerRayne17 that sounds identical to me especially the leg climbing part which is always brilliant!

I was in a similar situation with my first and read a book that saved my sanity “raising a spirited child” and really helped me to see the situation in a more positive way.

A PP mentioned it but have you ruled out dietary allergies or intolerances? My DD has CMPA and reacted through breastmilk, luckily diagnosed early due to severe reflux so I cut dairy out of my diet but anytime there was a slip up, I had a clingy whingy baby that was completely unlike herself.

Crackers, crawl back under your rock. So unnecessary for a Mum looking for help.

crawls away very slowly

I mean this in the nicest possible way - you need to stop comparing with others! If you have convinced yourself that they should be doing something by a certain age, and they are not, and you try and make them... well in my experience it just ends up with a lot of crying on all sides!

What you describe individually sounds pretty normal to me, it is just bad luck your your emotional well-being just now that your DC seems to be doing them all. Things will get easier. Have you tried using a sling with them on your back? I find this much easier (once you have them in!). At that age too they can grizzle a lot if they are bored so tiring them out mentally - at the park, touch and feel books, riding the bus, singing, whatever they like - whiles away hours.

V much sounds like reflux

mine hated buggy's and car seats, it was like some allergic reaction, they also hated slings.... i grew strong hips carrying two chubby's around!!! they also veryVERY strong willed, just had to work with it

I had a baby like this. Have you looked up the symptoms of reflux? See if your child fits any of them as medication can be a big help. Both of mine hated the car seat, the buggy and the cot as lying down made the reflux worse. Good luck and don't let other comments get you down.

My DS slept on my chest for pretty much the first 3 months. He had awful colic and it was the only way to get him to sleep.

He's so much happier now he can walk/run around. Although still hard work I'm enjoying him much more as a toddler than a baby.

Hang on in there - it's hard work.

Ok first thing. My absolute worst time with both my dd was 10 -14 months, they were screamy, whiny, grumpy, angry little beings. It's a rubbish age for them as they can't walk or talk enough to communicate or get what they want. They understand enough to be effected by events and emotions, but not enough to be reasoned with. Totally pants age!

Secondly, analyse the situation to survive. Take a step back and really think slowly and carefully about your week.

• are there times or places that are ALWAYS a disaster?
• are there times or places that are generally good?

Start with the disasters, if at all possible avoid them, just for a month or so to break they cycle and get a fresh start on them.

Then the good bits, what about them works and can that situation or feeling be replicated more often.

(Example, my dd was a living nightmare when we went food shopping so I did home delivery for a couple of months. When we went back things were better.
Also she was happy at one friends house more than any other. It came down to the simple fact she loved - still does at 7- textures and her living room cushions were very tactile. I made her a bag of loads of fabric scraps and tin foil etc. It used to distract her enough to calm down or get a job done.)

Another in favour of checking for intolerances based on a friends recent experiences.
Also look into cranial osteopathy and see if it might be something that may help. It did with my dd. She wasn’t as high needs as yours to begin with but was much calmer just minutes into her first session.
Still quite a solemn child compared to my others but not sounding angry or uncomfortable.

Oh and I also advocate slings! My dd loved being on my front or back in a connecta. She never slept in a buggy, but loved her sling.

I also used a hippychick hip seat for cooking dinner with both mine. They are a nightmare at dinner cooking time at that age. They are grizzly and want cuddles and you need to cook. This hipseat saved my sanity, the sling didn't really work as they wanted up and down so often, but his saved my sanity and back!
www.hippychick.com/products/hippychick-hipseat?v=21&gclid=Cj0KCQjw5fDWBRDaARIsAA5uWTiCevXp99LU3SmXLcdGrruhPfgbtQgQTUwRsWFS15PreA7UldmkYu8aAmBeEALw_wcB

My first wouldn’t go to sleep, awful evenings, would BF - but endlessly, refused a teated bottle for water ( unpleasant GP snapped at me for that), hated to be put down, demanded lots of attention, crying out or controlled crying defeated by her lungs and fact of neighbours.

Second baby - put her in cot, we said goodnight and she went to sleep. We just used to stare in wonder.

It is said that second and subsequent babies are easier because a) parents are more relaxed and the babies pick up on tension b) with more than one you have less time to attend to particular demands so ignore less important things more.

I have also seen it the other way around, and parents of perfect little sleepers etc the first time around who have congratulated themselves on successful parenting can get a heck of a shock when number two doesn't follow the same pattern

They are both grown now, lovely girls both, but the personality they displayed as babies is reflected in their adult selves - the first highly strung and driven, and the second very laid back and easy company.

@moita oh I had her on my chest for 3 months too! My DH and I used to work in shifts so one could sleep and the other sat up with baby glad it has gotton/gets easier!

@widgetbeana thanks so much for suggestion will look into it!

Yep my first was like that too. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I couldn't take her anywhere in the pram, she had to be carried. If I let her scream it was that distressing people used to comment in the street!

I found it better once I started forcing her to nap. A lot of the upset was due to overtiredness. I literally didn't leave the house at nap times, they were so crucial.

Also I found holding her and singing (to anything on the radio) really enthusiastically helped calm her I am a terrible singer btw so it wasn't my soothing voice!

It does getter easier I promise. She's six now and quite delightful (far too clever though). It's tough but you have to find out the judgers! They clearly have no idea what it's like

White noise too - forgot about that! Absolutely changed my life when she was about 6 months old and a friend sent me a white noise maker.

It sounds like you are still recovering from the first four months which are probably overshadowing the present still.

My advice would be to separate out the things that you personally find intolerable/exhausting on a daily basis (e.g sqwarking for you constantly) and those things which are 'shoulds' (i.e. you feel LO should be eating food by now). Ignore the second, really lower your expectations, then focus on getting support with the first. Hopefully that will free some mental space to help you enjoy spending time with your LO.

My DD is tiring but mostly sunny natured, I didn't expect at 8 months she would have taken over DH's side of the bed and still be waking 5+ times a night. My house is a tip. If I give her solid food in her highchair once a day I'm fine, twice and we're doing well.

as my old expectations for adult life have finally slid away I'm enjoying her a lot more. And it's not forever.

And do try giving baby carriers another try. Mine is already 22lb and we exclusively carry (I am 5ft 6, may be harder if you're petite). You have to give yourself time to build up the strength. After each growth spurt I used to worry about my back but I always catch up and feel ok within a week or so.

If it's any consolation I've had three kids. The easiest baby was so chilled and tbh a dream, the other two were clingy nightmares like you describe-both really good at listening now whilst the easy baby is a 6 and a nuisance!

Hi OP,

Your post really resonated with me. My DD was like you describe, honestly - it was terrible to be honest. She's now 3 years 9 months and at times is still incredibly hard work, she can just talk now so makes it easier for us to understand what's going on for her.

When she was about 9 months I phoned the HV, and said something along the lines of "this baby cries ALLL the time, can you come and see her?" The HV said "sometimes it feels like they cry a lot but in reality it isn't that bad."

She stayed 3 hours that day, after about an hour and a half concluded that DD, was in fact, miserable as fuck.

I remember her saying "Some babies just really don't like being babies, she'll get better as she grows."

I sat there like "Yes, thank you for that you waste of space" but she was of course right. As DD gained more independence she has become better and better. She is still very challenging and wilful but we've got to know her I guess and judge her moods and help her calm.

I would suggest breaking up the routine, just go to clubs or whatever to talk to other parents, they honestly won't care she's whining. Make sure she's napping enough, and find time for yourself. I took up running when DD was 1! If she'd been my first, she'd have been my last.

Good luck, you'll get there!

Mine was really difficult too, he's 16 months now and still highly strung but a lot easier and better than the earlier days.

Looking back I think over tiredness might have been a big factor, I wish I had got him in to a better napping routine earlier as once I did it made a bit of a difference.

I sympathise with you on going to baby groups and all the others are calm and enjoying themselves when yours is going mental, my DS could sit up but would absolutely refuse and throw themselves back and scream, he always seemed to have troubles with his belly, he seemed to improve when he had been on solids for a while but then even more when we swapped from formula to regular milk.

Car journeys could also be hell, even if he was fine at first as soon as we stopped at the lights or for any reason he would start crying and just get to the point of hysterics, singing helped for a while with that but he grew out of that all of a sudden.

The one thing which really helped both of us was me going back to work and him going to nursery, it just seemed to all even itself out at once and I hope it does for you too. Don't feel bad if you choose to go back to work early, it was an absolute saviour for me and I really feel that it helped me build a better bond with DS because I was at the point of really resenting how he was ☹️