Why is my baby so hard?

[MrsNut88]

Hi everyone
Please can someone tell me I’m not alone?
My baby is nearly 9 months. She had colic for the first 4 months of her life and was really really challenging. She point blank refused to breastfeed she was so stubborn from
The off.
I find her such hard work. She won’t sit in buggy/stroller without screaming! We even bought a new buggy to no avail
She won’t sit or play by herself ever! I have to entertain her 24/7
She won’t eat - only wants milk
She wakes a lot in the night and we’ve only just got her sleeping in her own room in a cot
She won’t go in the car for long journeys or she screams bloody murder!
Even if I go for a meal with friends she has to be held and won’t allow me to just eat
I’ve tried the letting her cry method to try and show her she can’t have it all her own way (especially when going out in the Pram) but she will cry for 1hour plus and I just find it so distressing!
We used to go to lots of baby groups but while the other babies would sit and play or listen she was fidgety and whingy
I know I shouldn’t compare but other mums seem to have better behaved babies
Any advice/suggestions please? Especially in relation to taking her out in the car /buggy! I’ve tried toys even bought the steering wheel you connect to no avail: have a sling but it’s not practical she’s 22lbs and it hurts my back when carrying her anywhere for long periods
At this point I’m desperate to go back to work for a break!

absolutelycrackers that was supremely unhelpful. You sound bitter and unhappy.

Op - my dd1 was like that, much harder work than her peers or my other dds. She did get better - slowly from the time she could walk, and interact more - she loved 'helping' with cooking, cleaning, shopping etc but still required a lot of 121. Now she's 10 and very easy - independent, smart, good company, funny, helpful (sometimes!). Will entertain herself for hours.

I do think some babies are harder than others, who knows why. Maybe just personality, maybe birth experience, maybe our parenting. But do hang in there, there are definitely easier times to come. Do try to catch a break if you can, leave her with dh, dm, even a babysitter for an hour. Go for a run or swim or yoga.
Good luck!

@DontbeaDickaboutit thank you for your comment it’s made me laugh so much especially the “miserable as fuck” part 😂😂😂😂😂 im sure my LO just doesn’t like being a baby too 🤦🏼‍♀️

I'll tell you my theory, which I devised some 23 years ago on a cold snowy New Year as I sat out in my back garden all shaky and crying after yet another night of DoomBaby, thinking quite desperately that this was it now, every new year would be the same old repetition, sitting on my own crying after another seven hour bout of DoomBaby screaming at me.
If you have a baby who screams and shouts and yells at you for the first year of life, really puts you through it, then it follows that they will have got all that angst out of their system....and you will have no problems with them through their teenage years.

And if you have a good and obedient, quiet and biddable baby for that first year....well you are really in for it through teenagerdom!

Now DoomBaby is 23 and there are several younger siblings rocking around the house. I won't tell you if the theory has been proved, but if it makes you feel even a teensy bit better then my job is done.

Another one backing up what PP has said regarding high needs babies being intelligent.

My DD1 was like this and is bright as a button. Was talking in sentences from 18 months old
and is very able minus the tantrums.

DD2 has a very similar personality. She's very aware of what's going on around her at 4.5
months old - as soon as I move away or leave the room she starts crying, won't go to certain people, cries and fussed for most of the day unless she's being constantly stimulated.

What drives me mad more than anything is when unsympathetic family/friends/strangers look at you or comment as if it's something you've done. I always had the impression that those with "easy" babies had this air of smugness about them, as if they had "made" their babies that way. I once heard someone say that the easiest babies are the hardest teenagers . So I keep trying to remind myself of that!!

I have no practical advice other than to ride it out as best as you can. It will get easier.

Good, a sense of humour is absolutely essential in times like this! DD is still so difficult, this weekend she's decided she doesn't like any girls, including me.

My DS is an absolute dream, he's older, bet he turns into a right prick when he's a teenager.

A nine month old can't really be badly behaved. My DD was a difficult baby, cried a lot, hated the car, wouldn't even be sat in front of the TV to give me a bit of peace but you just have to get on with it,. It was hard but it's just life.

@absolutelycrackers you clearly have never had a particularly difficult baby. Heartless cow. I've got a baby that is such hard work and clearly different to others and we're not sure yet exactly what's 'wrong' and if someone told me 'just have a break' I'd want to strangle them. So insensitive.

NRTFT but my first LB was like this and I remember being out at the mum groups and for coffees and my LB being totally different to the calm quiet babies. Two things: 1. It turned out he was dairy intolerant (my second is too and we diagnosed him so quickly and he is so content. If he gets dairy he is exactly like my first LB was). I would test this. 2. My first LB is now 3 and is the most perfect little toddler (not withstanding normal toddler tantrums etc but he is so content, plays alone, is considerate and great company). You can get through this XX

absolutelycrackers I am interested how you have a break.

My baby was exactly like this...also hated the sling so it felt so hard just leaving the house. People kept saying it'll get easier at X months, or when she can do X. And as we kept passing all those milestones and she was still miserable I just felt worse and worse. However, very gradually over time she did get easier and easier.

She is now 18 months - she is still more hard work than other toddlers but she is also so much fun and can be so delightful. When I had a similar thread to this another poster mentioned about their baby feeling all their emotions extra strongly and now I realise my DD is just like that - when she is grumpy she is SO grumpy, but when she is happy she is absolutely full of smiles and the loudest giggles!

I also think she was bored stiff as a baby to be honest. With groups I found she mostly enjoyed the really stimulating ones. At about 6 months I stopped taking her to baby groups, and started taking her to toddler groups with a small baby corner. She was much happier at these and would just sit and watch the toddlers. I used to imagine her thinking "one day that will be me running around!". She also enjoyed swimming and soft play - anything really noisy and busy!

Going back to work 3 days a week at 1 year helped massively. She hated nursery for the first few weeks, but once she settled she loved it. I think the extra stimulation really helped. Also I think me having a break made put me in a better frame of mind for when I was with her. I suspect she had been sensing my stress a bit before which hadn't helped - as I became more chilled so did she.

I was diagnosed with PND when she was 7 months and getting treatment for that helped me deal with it all enormously. She was still the same baby but I was a lot more resilient. So please if you are feeling really overwhelmed a trip to the GP might be an idea. I didn't go for ages because I kept thinking if she was an easier baby I wouldn't feel like this. I really regretted not going sooner.

She doesn't sound that unusual tbh. Other mums may regale you about how their dc sleep through, nap and eat well and regularly, play etc - but it is simply not true! One night's sleep does not suddenly make them a good sleeper! I had one easier than the other . Reflux symptoms improved once dd could move independently but she then had horrible separation anxiety. We just had to learn to tune out sometimes. Go back to social groups, 9-12 month babies are much more interested in each other than younger ones and you can see what toys and activities may engage her longer. The extra stimulation may help with sleeping and eating too.

What car seat do you have and where is it placed? I moved mine to the Joie Stages and put my daughter in the front seat which helped massively. She's exactly as you describe, I never even bothered with baby groups though. As soon as she could walk confidently I started taking her for a "run" in the morning as well which seemed to calm her down.

@LIZS My middle one slept through consistently from around 12 weeks I don’t mention it often when talking about babies because it’s certainly not the norm, but she was also very placid, only cried if hungry or was pooing, terrible twos/threes never existed. Eldest was a screamer no sleeper and #3 was too. I don’t know anyone in RL who had a baby like my middle. Having said that she’s now 7 and being assessed for Autism so if she does have it, I wonder if that played a part in her temperament as a baby/toddler.

My two boys were both active and fussy babies, not sleeping through till 16 months when we stopped breastfeeding. As previous posters have mentioned, a sling saved my sanity. I even got very good at putting them on my back in the sling, putting earphones in and going on a walk. That way I didn't have to look at them and tried to dampen noise while they were crying. They usually would drop off to sleep on my back, when I could then go get a drink and anything to eat!

They are now 6yrs and 4yrs. They are both great sleepers and play together pretty well. Expecting a third and hoping for an easy going baby.... Maybe I'll see a unicorn too...

My dc3 was a nightmare too. I thought she'd be the easiest because I had got some experience with the previous 2. No, not at all. She cried non stop for 10 months and woke every 1.5 hours. I was a shell of a person.

She especially hated the car and the buggy. I thought all babies liked cars and buggies!!
Even my friends (or at least some of them) wouldn't look after her because she just cried!!
Well one day she just changed and virtually hasn't cried since. And now she's brilliant fun and the easiest of the three in many ways.
Hang in there. Maybe check out food intolerance. Not everyone is destined to have an easy baby and I think once you make peace with that it somehow gets easier.

My first son nearly broke me he was awful I remember crying at one point saying that clearly he hates me and I'm going back to work full time because he will be happier without me. 7-9 months was a really bad part for me he wanted to be on the go but couldn't and just hated life. It honestly nearly drove me to a breakdown.

The good news is he got better around 11 months when he started to toddle and honestly has been a dream child ever since. People commented for months how different he was. He's a wonderful child now we even had another who was a great baby but not nearly as well behaved as ds1 was as a toddler.

I've no advice to add but it will get better and become a distant memory it's been 5 years since ds1 started to change and now the bad bits don't seem so bad.

@MixedHerbs now that is an interesting theory I will hold onto that!

Mrsb06 yep that’s Definately so irritating I used to get that look a lot in baby group when she started whinging like it was my fault

@OctopusLimbs I too had PND luckily my mum spotted it early and I went to my Gp when she was 6 weeks don’t know how I’d have coped without help. I’ll definitely try the older groups I think you may have a point actually because whenever we’re out she shows a lot of interest in older children. Thanks for your comment!

MrsNut, my DD was also a'high needs' baby. She would only map on me for the first 4 months, was up every 1.5 hours max until we started some gentle sleep training at 10 months. I stil can't get her to nap in her cot (though she naps fine on the mats at nursery). She has got better and easier though and so will your little one! I used to wonder at my friends who could easily take their baby out to dinner with them and they'd sleep quietly in the pram! Xxx