MIL moved in

[Hannabee123]

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

Well done. Any Mum who is separated from her new born over night will feel horrifically stressed and upset.

Keep cuddling your baby, it is release oxytocin hormone (love hormone) in both of you. I am not saying it will cure your PND but it will help you feel a bit better.

Hope you are having lots of cuddles.

Well done op you are doing the right thing. Now get the Hv and the crisis team involved.

You're doing great, well done for sticking up for yourself. Your MIL wasn't supporting you she was suffocating you.

Speak to your HV and see if she will speak to your husband about the right ways to support you.

Agree with the other posters, lots of cuddles are in order. If you feel up to it, possibly go for a walk with your daughter as well (may need to wait a couple do days because of the weather).

Eat whatever you like whenever you like. Don't put yourself under pressure to eat a certain way.

Hope you're feeling better soon x

You weren't happy and you're part of the family therefore it wasn't a happy family. What he means is he was prepared to ignore your misery for an easy life.

^^this with bells on. I am so pleased for you that she's gone!

Well done. Sending you good wishes. X

I’m so relieved to hear she has gone (what a horrible selfish hag) but I’m v concerned by your husbands behaviour. And saying you’ve ruined a happy family is nuts. If she is any marker of his family then they must be hell. I think in time you’ll need to consider your future with him but for right now just take it all a day at a time.

Hope you can have lots of cuddles now. Try and explain to your husband that you need to be with your baby more and at night to help you recover and bond. Hopefully he will understand you didn't want it to kick off like that but there was no other way she was letting you have your baby.
I have a new born who must be a very similar age to yours as she has just had her first jabs this week as well. So thinking about you.

Well done! It wasn't easy, but you did it - for your baby. You're clearly a fabulous mum even if you don't always believe it.

Please show your HV this thread. Your husband obviously needs a firm nudge into reality and HV are well equipped to give it.

Your support can't come from MIL but you can access all sorts from professionals and support volunteers.

Keep swimming and you will reach calm water. And snuggle your beautiful girl.

I completely agree with LaContesse, and everyone else!

She is your baby, you are her mum. It is really early days yet, and while your MIL may seem to have the upper hand right now, that won't always be the case.

Tell your crisis team that MIL and dh are making you feel worse; she because she is an active barrier to you bonding with your baby, and he because he is so unsupportive.

Tell your hv the same.

OK, so you have PND, but you also have an overbearing MIL who has moved in literally and a dh who is unhelpful and unkind and unsympathetic. The pnd will be helped enormously if the other 2 things can be changed. So, she goes home and comes round to help, ie, to clean cook or shop; he needs to grow up, become a man and a father and husband.

None of this is easy, my live, even in the best of circumstances having a new baby is often an utter shock to the system.

You are doing incredibly well despite the awful circumstances. Take your baby, don't give her back. This will be hard, but try to refuse to let MIL take her back next time. Try saying "No, she's my baby and I will deal with her". Practise it in your head. It has been shown in research that imag8n8ng a doing a thing before you actually do it brings about a better and easier action. Imagine doing it.

Take a few days, don't pressure yourself.

Wow, well done, Hannabee. That is brilliant to hear.

Your MIL is making you worse, definitely. My DS2 was in NICU and I didn't get to hold him for 5 days - the sense of relief when he finally came out of the incubator and into my arms was almost unbelievable, my stress just dropped immediately. Being away from him overnight was terrible, even though I knew that he was in the right place. You need to hold your DD, as often as you want to. It's OK if you don't want to all of the time but you need to be able to hold her as much as is right for you.

I really feel for you. I had PND after both of my babies and it's absolutely horrific. I'm sorry that the people around you aren't suppporting you nor understanding what you are going through when you need them the most. And the snow isn't helping either.

I don't have anything helpful to add but just wanted to say that I've been there and it can be got through. You won't always feel like this.

Are you ok op ?

Hanna are you ok?

OP, you should be sitting down cuddling the baby while MIL does everything else.

What does DP say?

Put yourself and the baby first right now.

Im so glad your MIL has left she sounds toxic. I hope your enjoying lots of cuddles with your dd. Take care 😘

Thinking of you Hanna, hope you are having DD all to yourself. She'll cry, fuss, sleep, wear you out, make you cry happy tears and really tired tears. It's a magical but hard time, but you can do it. Leave all the household chores and just be with your beautiful baby

Well I had my child I went down to ask my partner for help as he has been in a mood all day to find him drinking. I went mad at him as I was upset he's not there for me.
He called his mum. His mum came and took my child when I went to get her she attacked me. I attacked her back and she was shouting what kind of mother am I and telling my partner to call the hospital and get me sectioned. I called the police and long story short because I'm in a state my partner and his mum and my child went to his mum's house tonight and he has to come back on his own with my child in the morning.
I've spoke to my parents they are coming for me and my baby innthe morning I'm packing all our stuff up in in a state never thought I'd be a single mother I never expect life to be like this

Oh no! You poor thing. Glad your parents are coming. You don’t need this toxic environment. Grrr I want to slap your husband for being such a douche!!! He should be supporting you not making things worse. They have absolutely no right to take your baby away. It’s borderline kidnapping.

Really hoping things improve for you after you get out of this environment tomorrow. Xxx

I was so glad your MIL left but also very concerned about your P's behaviour. It's for the best for you and baby to go. It is disgusting for them to have taken your baby away from you. You might not know this now, but you will be great on your own with your baby once away from all this toxic behaviour. Glad you are leaving but as you have said your parents are not great, will the crisis team look at the mother and baby unit for you? You will be better off there. Thinking of you as you pack x

MIL is one evil shit, attacking you? I'm glad you defended yourself and your parents are coming to get you. As for your partner...... his a shitbag and he doesn't deserve you.

I just want my daughter back

What time is your DD back? Did the police allow them to take her?

Hanna i remember you from the ttc boards. I've name changed since. Our babies are the same age. This breaks my heart. You are doing the right thing to get out of that toxic environment. You need space and peace to bond.

Keep strong and the first step was getting out of there. Well done on that first move. Thinking of you xx

I've just read the full thread. I was going to suggest your mum stays with you for a bit rather than Mil.

However given Mil has gone I'm glad your parents are coming for you both. You need your parents and to be away from the toxic environment.

Your MIL certainly sounds like she's put herself first in all of this and done nothing to actually help you. With DH keeping quiet doing anything for an easy life.

What did the police say?

I'm going to ask a question, does your daughter have a passport? If she does take it along with birth certificate to your parents house, just in case MIL has any plans or desires to take DD to Poland.