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Original poster

MIL moved in

883 replies

Hannabee123 · 27/02/2018 18:58

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 05/03/2018 16:50

I think it sounds as if the father and MIL have taken legal advice so OP please be careful that you don't do anything that could play into their hands.

rainbowruthie · 05/03/2018 17:22

So, so sorry to read your updates
Wishing you all the strength that you need x

Jux · 05/03/2018 17:29

Hope you're OK, Hanna love. How was the solicitor? You should at least be able to see her, surely? They can't refuse that for long.

MotherofTerriers · 05/03/2018 18:00

I can't believe the police and social services are washing their hands of a baby being taken away from her mum like this. It's awful, I'm so, so, sorry. I hope your parents are supporting you and the solicitor can sort something out.

Bubble04 · 05/03/2018 18:10

Hope the solicitor was able to get the ball rolling and give you some positive news. Got fingers crossed for you. Can't believe they're putting you through this! Surely professionals will be able to set things straight. At the end of the day pnd is so common. They can't use that as a reason to take your daughter from you. Particularly when it has been made worse, if not entirely as a result of, their behaviour towards you! Stay strong x

PersianCatLady · 05/03/2018 18:21

I can't believe the police and social services are washing their hands of a baby being taken away from her mum like this
The problem is that a disagreement between parents isn't seen as a social services issue.

Also, think about this bit generally not in relation to this terrible case given here by the OP but why is it not OK to take a baby away from its mother but OK to take a baby away from its father?

Should a mother have more rights then a father?

These are the sort of issues that come into play here.

Whether the father is on the birth certificate or not makes a huge difference here

TitaniasCloset · 05/03/2018 19:16

I think a mother should have more rights than a father, I just do. Especially if she has been the main carer.

This situation really is the worst nightmare of any woman who had PND.

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 19:25

Persiancatlady summed the situation up fairly well. Baby's not in danger so their is nothing they can do. It's a domestic issue between the parents.

The PND is a side issue. I'm completely convinced the op does not have any form of clinical depression. But has been under horrendous stress caused by abuse, gaslighting, brain washing and given an easy label.

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 19:27

Hanna hope you are holding up tonight. What steps is the solicitor going to take?

PersianCatLady · 05/03/2018 19:33

TitaniasCloset
If doesn't matter what we think, unfortunately.

What really matters is who has PR?

The OP definitely has PR but the father may or may not.

I really wish the OP would reply and say whether or not the father is named on the baby's birth certificate (BC).

If by any chance the father IS NOT named on the BC then the OP can tell the Police that a person without PR has taken the baby away from someone with PR and they WILL have to get involved.

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 19:38

I'd guess he is on the birth certificate or the police would not have washed their hands of it when they did.

gingergenius · 05/03/2018 19:40

Technically though, the father doesn't live at his mothers and cannot surely stay there indefinitely? Because otherwise would he not be deemed as living in two separate abodes? No idea if that's a stupendous d comment but basically, I'm fairly sure he can't hide out at hers forever so the absolutely WILL have the opportunity to get her baby back by one way or another. In all honesty court will probably be quicker.

gingergenius · 05/03/2018 19:41

That should've read stupendously stupid...

bastardkitty · 05/03/2018 19:44

Yes a mother should have more rights that the father. The baby grew inside her and she is the baby's primary attachment figure and care giver . It should be a criminal act. I'm sure OP has more than enough to deal with and maybe it's just too much to come here and update right now.

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 19:53

Ginger in law both parents have equal rights. If it was the mother who'd taken baby nobody would bat an eyelid.

Op I keep looking back for an update. Hope you get to court this week.

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 19:55

If you get her back are the crisis team still going to get you a place in the unit?

Fingers and toes crossed for you.

LoveProsecco · 05/03/2018 21:18

Hannah this is awful. Please stay strong & keep fighting Flowers

gingergenius · 05/03/2018 21:26

Yes @AvoidingDM I see that, but bearing in mind the father's permanent address is NOT AT his mother's address, then technically that's not his permanent residence and therefore his time is limited there? Which gives the OP leverage?

Just may be clutching at straws but there must be something?

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 21:34

Ginger I think your clutching a straws. If a mother took her child to a refuge or to her parents that wouldn't be an argument for the father to claim custody because mum's in a temporary residence.

A few people have also commented that if he leaves the child with his mother the police could then remove the child. There maybe an argument for that however I'm not convinced. Again if it was the other way round and a mother left her child with granny to go to work I doubt the police could or would try to remove the child and return to the father.

gingergenius · 05/03/2018 21:46

Maybe do but if a mother went to a refuge it would be a safeguarding issue and would be managed by external agencies. Not trying to argue the toss, just trying to look at diff. scenarios

AvoidingDM · 05/03/2018 21:54

Regardless of what any of us amateurs think I pray the expert solicitor got the ball rolling.

Op I'm hoping you are ok. It's a wee while since your last update. What is the solicitor suggesting?

catlady45 · 05/03/2018 22:15

Have been checking for updates all day. Even my oh has been asking how you are x i hope your ok and still have your friend and parents there with you xxx

gingergenius · 05/03/2018 22:17

Quite right @AvoidingDM - absolutely agree

PersianCatLady · 05/03/2018 22:24

Ginger in law both parents have equal rights. If it was the mother who'd taken baby nobody would bat an eyelid
Wrong.

In law it is always about the child's best interests.

If there is no need for social services to intervene then it is a private family law matter and the courts will consider many things.

As both the mother and father have PR, the father is doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law (I know, I know fucking disgusting) and if the mother wants to assert her rights she needs to get a solicitor and make an application to the court under private family law.

I wish the MNer ph47bridge was on this thread, she is a fucking legend with the law and she would be able to really help the OP here.

I don't feel confident enough to give the OP any more advice other than GET SOME LEGAL ADVICE ASAP.

Unfortunately I know a lot about private family law from personal experience and I wish I could but I can't talk about in any kind of depth because it brings back memories of one of the worst times of my life.

I am sorry, I wish I could be more helpful but I can't risk breaking myself when I have spent the past ten years getting better and getting over what happened.