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Original poster

MIL moved in

883 replies

Hannabee123 · 27/02/2018 18:58

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

OP posts:
Beetlebum1981 · 04/03/2018 15:08

Definitely see a solicitor, I just found this online, I don't know if it will be of any help to you ThanksThanks

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

StaplesCorner · 04/03/2018 15:19

You need SS to support you to do this, or you can do it yourself - you need to get this going tomorrow Hanna will be much easier if you make a formal request to SS to do this - an emergency protection order:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-abuse/court-orders-to-protect-children/child-abuse-emergency-protection-orders/

Or you can take out a prohibitive steps order - click on this link and scroll down to no. 8 - maybe get your parents to read all these links:

www.lawdonut.co.uk/personal/divorce-and-family-law/grounds-for-divorce/restraining-orders-and-injunctions-faqs

^8. My abusive partner is threatening to take our child away if I complain - what can I do?
As long as you have parental responsibility for the child, you can apply for a prohibited steps order. The prohibited steps order can prohibit your partner from taking the child away, though it may not prevent all contact between your partner and your child.^

The important thing about the prohibited steps order is that you need to outline how your partner and his mother have been psychologically and emotionally abusing you.

Now you know there are a few options available, you need a solicitor - your parents can get one tomorrow on your behalf.

Lupiform · 04/03/2018 15:20

I have nothing helpful to add, but keep fighting Hannabee. We are all rooting for you.

Jux · 04/03/2018 16:48

Hanna, keep strong. You have people with you. Show that bastard. Grab that hate you feel, the anger, and channel it. Determination that you will get her back, you will cope, you will be fine.

Mellifera · 04/03/2018 17:01

Oh no.
What they are doing to you is so incredibly cruel.

It looks like your MiL has indeed got what she wanted but she won‘t be able to pull it off.
You will get your baby back, stay strong! It‘s only a matter of hours. You‘ll get through this.

They are scum.
I‘m glad you have your parents‘ support.

Rach000 · 04/03/2018 18:03

Stay strong you are doing so well. Hopefully will all come together tomorrow. You will feel so much better when you have your baby and don't have to live with your horrid MIL. X

Coyoacan · 04/03/2018 18:05

Oh, how terrible, OP. No wonder you got PND living with this shower.

Lana1234 · 04/03/2018 18:08

We're all rooting for you all the way. You'll feel so much happier and safer when you and your little one get to the unit. You've done amazing so far. Stay strong mama Flowers

snowdrummer · 04/03/2018 18:21

Stay strong sweetheart, you'll be with her soon I'm sure. They'll see that it's bullshit, I'm sure they'll quickly get the measure of him and his mother within 5 minutes of meeting them. Social services are used to dealing with these situations all the time.

I second what a previous poster said about the passport office and notifying them of the situation and his erratic and abusive behaviour, so that they are fully aware.

We're all here for you, please keep talking. I'm in absolute awe of how you are handling all of this.

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 04/03/2018 19:03

I've been in contact with social devices all day they can't remove the child at this moment in time. I called him and asked kindly to see my child for half an hour and he refused.
I told the social worker some things and without even me saying it she asked if I think I'm in an abusive relationship and I said I think so. They are putting me in touch with women's aid now.
I don't think he's going to let my child go to the unit now. They possibly could intervene and take her if he refuses or maybe not I don't know. I got very frustrated and said if it is supposed to be 50/50 why do I feel like I have no rights and my child is being withheld from me.
I will wait to see if he accepts taking the child to the unit but solicitors are being involved tomorrow and women's aid will be in touch and I will make sure he never sees my child ever again

OP posts:
Squishysquirmy · 04/03/2018 19:16

"I will make sure he never sees my child ever again"
I understand how awful you must feel, but try to focus on YOU and your baby - not on inflicting pain on your h. I don't think you will be able to stop him seeing the baby, and it is the wrong thing to focus on right now. It's the wrong fight. If you try to persuade ss that he must never, ever see his child again you will be handing him and your mil ammunition.

unicornpoopoop · 04/03/2018 19:58

I could be wrong on this but I thought that if he went to work and left baby with his mum - as she doesn't have PR, you would have the right to take the baby back

SunshineAfterRain · 04/03/2018 20:02

I am pretty sure like the last poster said. That if he leave the baby with mil to go to work. You have or so she must give you the child or she has kidnapped the child.
My heart honestly breaks for you OP but you will get there. 💖

SunshineAfterRain · 04/03/2018 20:03
  • you have PR sorry predictive text.
AvoidingDM · 04/03/2018 20:09

Your stomach must be in knots. I really feel for you.

What steps are sw going to take tomorrow? Or is it going to come down to what legal action you take?
Either way I see this is going to end up in court. Hopefully sw can get an emergency court hearing of some description tomorrow or very early in the week.

It's also too late to organise some local heavies (if you even know any) as that will end up looking bad on you.

SW are on your side and you need it to stay that way.

AvoidingDM · 04/03/2018 20:15

Are you still in your partners house?
Do you have somebody with you?

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 20:18

Darling you need to do absolutely everything by the book. Leave him with no wriggle room. Solicitor ASAP (do you have any names/recommendations?)

Have you got all your documents together?

There is a legal section on here too - I’m sure someone can tell you more about the process.

Hanna I may be talking out of my arse, but I almost feel from your last post that you’ve got renewed determination- I’ve not “heard” you like it in a post before. I almost feel like, now you’v been able to admit you’re being abused it’s unlocked something in you? I may be talking shit, it’s just a feeling x

OliviaBenson · 04/03/2018 20:28

I would push for SS to intervene- you need your child with you in the unit. He doesn't get to refuse you access. Keep going op. You have us all routing for you x

MiaowTheCat · 04/03/2018 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catlady45 · 04/03/2018 21:10

I agree ohfourfoxache - determination of a fierce mamma :)

As previous posters have said, you need to do everything by the book. Ur ex and mil will use anything they ca against you, so just make sure you have ypur ducks in a row. By the sounds of it, SS are on your side which is great, especially when it goes to court which im afraid it sounds like it. Him not letting you see baby only puts him in a negative light and will not look favourably in the courts.

Keep going, you can do this x

billybagpuss · 04/03/2018 21:33

Get a good nights sleep, all the best for tomorrow x

badgermushroom · 04/03/2018 21:47

This sounds so hard. I had PND and relied on my family to survive, I couldn't be alone so spent every day with a relative and whilst I needed that for me, after a while they became very overbearing as far as the baby was concerned. As you described I felt I was unable to be a Mum. It's so important that opportunity isn't taken, there's a world of difference between helping and taking over. Some time on I still have to set boundaries because of the ones which were confused during that time.

What I will say is that my fears of it effecting our bond were unfounded. She loves me and obviously doesn't know about the dark times. She lights up when she sees me or dad and no one else can get that reaction. Your MIL won't be able to take that from you and your LO won't remember any of this.

I agree with PP who have said perhaps asking your HV to speak to her could be a good move. As she's already picked up on it. You're getting through a really difficult time and definitely don't need to deal with this too.

badgermushroom · 04/03/2018 21:50

@Hannabee123 It's obvious from just these posts you have no desire to harm your baby. Please ignore ignorant PP on this thread who clearly haven't got a clue.

badgermushroom · 04/03/2018 22:05

Sorry, fucking hell posted too soon. As other posters have said y

badgermushroom · 04/03/2018 22:06

... you can see the strength and fight building in you. You have the important people on side, they know you're a good mum and she belongs with you. Him & his mother are doing themselves no favours. Stay strong! X