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Original poster

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883 replies

Hannabee123 · 27/02/2018 18:58

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

OP posts:
Original poster
Hannabee123 · 04/03/2018 11:10

Well it's looking likely the unit might not happen until tomorrow. The checks on my parents have cleared and SS are speaking to my partner to say the best way forward is to hand her over so I can spend the night with her at my parents house. My dad has said if they do not hand her over we will be getting solicitors involved tomorrow.
Just waiting to hear back to see if they are willing to stop kidnapping my child and holding her from me.
My parents have said to AS that if my partner is at work tomorrow his mother should have checks done like they have and also have a mental health check as they have concerns and concerns about my partners drinking.
I so hope today is the day I see her. I'm really losing hope of seeing her

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 04/03/2018 11:14

Have you considered a call to 111? I can't see what's different with your daughter being with you and your parents to her F and MIL, except that then your DD would be with her mummy.

bastardkitty · 04/03/2018 11:15

Try not to lose hope. She needs you and will be with you soon. It must be truly awful. Sending you a hug.

WednesdayAddams2525 · 04/03/2018 11:16

I can't believe how much this has escalated, it's an absolute nightmare scenario and I'm so glad you are holding up as well as you are under the circumstances. I think your right re: your partner, there is no coming back from this. You must feel so betrayed. At the very time he should be supporting you.

I wish I could help somehow but please know everyone here is rooting op x

WednesdayAddams2525 · 04/03/2018 11:20

Just reading back through some of these posts, completely echo what @AvoidingDM has said, she's used this situation for her own selfish reasons without a care in the world for you. What supportive family member does that?

Hoping to hear some good news for you soon xx

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 11:46

No. You’re not. You are NOT going to lose hope because right now it’s the most powerful thing you have to hang on to. It will help to propel you forward through this shit.

Please. Please please don’t lose hope sweetheart. Just don’t.

I strongly recommend that you see a solicitor ASAP regardless of what happens now.

Hanna you are doing brilliantly, and your fight and your drive already show that you’re a wonderful Mum.

Please stay strong, we’re all behind you xx

AvoidingDM · 04/03/2018 12:01

Hanna keep hope that they will see sense.

Good that ss have concerns about both of them (arsholes). If it does end up in court ss are on your side.

I actually think your 'PND' is sod all to do with hormones or being post natal but everything to do with the hell you've been put through.

Keep strong girl.

Justturned50 · 04/03/2018 12:12

Avoiding I agree

IdaDown · 04/03/2018 12:14

I think the specialist mother and baby unit sounds a good place for you both.

You will have a calm safe place, supported by the workers. MH team can come and visit you and see how you are managing with the baby. All this will be recorded, alongside your current HV’s notes about how it was at home.

As a PP said (FourFox?) - your anxiety and depression may very well subside once you’re away from H and MiL.

What was (probably) a manageable case of (severe) PND made far worse and escalated in the worst way, by a very controlling and unsupportive MiL and H.

You have your DParents and supportive health workers with you. It will get better.

starrystarryeyes · 04/03/2018 12:33

Hi Hanna, my heart is breaking for you and I feel so sad reading your posts and updates. I'm really glad that social services and your parents are supportive. In most cases, social services will always want the baby to remain with the mother, so see a solicitor asap and set things in motion.

Will be thinking of you. Stay strong.

poopsqueak · 04/03/2018 12:36

I'm also really pleased your parents are stepping in and taking things very seriously. They sound helpful.

As a Pp said, if your parents require checks, then so does she. Especially if she attacked you when you tried to get your baby back.

Don't lose faith. Remember these things have to be done 'properly' by SS, police, courts and it can take time, but hopefully it sounds like they are all backing you.

Also I totally think that once you are on your own your anxiety will reduce and you will realise just how much she was affecting you.

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 12:56

Avoiding I’m glad you’ve said that - I agree wholeheartedly

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 04/03/2018 13:33

Well my partners refusing to hand my child over and has now made up loads of lies and allocations
This is about to get very messy

OP posts:
Makingworkwork · 04/03/2018 13:34

Definitely see a solicitor. A mother and baby unit will observe you with your baby and will be able to comment on your fitness to parent.

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 13:39

Right, you need a solicitor sweetheart.

And the fact that he’s refusing to hand her over is not going to do him any favours.

How are you doing?

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 13:40

Oh, and document EVERYTHING. Use your threads to remind you, but if you can then record absolutely everything when it happens.

If it’s going to get messy then you can be prepared

JediStoleMyBike · 04/03/2018 13:51

Hanna - I am in awe of your strength. You are going through my worst nightmare and my heart goes out to you. I can't offer any advice, I'm sorry Sad

TitaniasCloset · 04/03/2018 13:58

Oh my gosh.

You need to get her out of your house and now, just as soon as possible. Pack her things, tell her to go. Worry about the fall out later. I usually have sympathy for the mil in these cases and have never said this on Mumsnet before, but she needs to go.

Seriously, the whole point of helping out a new mother is to take charge of food and housework leaving New mum to relax and take care of her own baby without stress. To help new mum bond. Everyone knows this.

So what with your PND and her behaviour you are running the risk of not bonding properly. Also her undermining you and overpowering you in your own space will make the PND much much worse.

Get the selfish bitch out of your house, sorry to be blunt, but she is making things worse not better. Forget about talking things through, everyone knows that the best way to help a new mum is to cook and clean and shop, not sit there for hours bonding with her baby while she feels shoved out and is picking up your mess. Appalling selfish behaviour.

bastardkitty · 04/03/2018 14:00

Maybe read the thread?

TitaniasCloset · 04/03/2018 14:12

Just did, didn't realise how long it would be but thanks yeah.

OP get yourself a good family solicitor and get this in court immediately. How you have been treated is absolutely disgusting. I think most of your PND has been caused by these awful people. You need your family to support you and if they don't understand mental health issues I'm sure your nurse or doctor will be happy to talk to them, and send them the link to the Mumsnet advice above.

Carry on being strong for your child, she needs you. These fuckers really have kicked you when you were at your worst.

Make sure any contact he has with your baby now is supervised, tell your solicitor you think your baby is at risk of being snatched, they did it before.

I'm so so sorry you are going through this. Being a single mum is a hell of a lot better than living with sneaky abusive bastards.

ThanksThanksThanks

Willswife · 04/03/2018 14:28

I just realised you are calling him partner not husband. Just checking, is he on the birth certificate?

catlady45 · 04/03/2018 14:42

Oh no, as if it wasnt horrendous enough :( whats he saying x

billybagpuss · 04/03/2018 14:43

Is it social services he's refusing to hand over to?

Hoping everything works out well for you x

AvoidingDM · 04/03/2018 14:44

Oh Hanna. I thought they would have had more sense than to refuse to hand your daughter over. Angry

What action are ss taking?
I keep looking back to this thread for an update.

I fear this is going to end up in court but the decent thing is it shouldn't take long given the other posters experience and the concerns about your ex. I'm sure SS and judge will see right through the lies.
Fingers crossed.

Afreshcuppateaplease · 04/03/2018 14:46

This is every parents nightmare

Keep strong op