Help please-sex offenders could they become a parent or not? Friends husband in jail

[Lotty1880]

So my friends husband is currently serving a jail sentence for a previous relationship she had no knowledge of. The girl was between 14-15, when he married his now wife the girl reported him. Trial, guilty plea and now servicing a sentence. They have not been married long and it’s very testing as you can imagine. If she sticks by him what’s the chances of them being able to have a family?

How old was your friend when they began their relationship op?

What would she do if she had a daughter and then comes the inevitable sleepovers with friends?
Would she let the parents know her husband is a convicted paedophile?
Can she imagine one of the parents at her child's school finding out?

At what age would she be ok leaving this man with a daughter unsupervised?
Would she let him change nappies, do bath time, get up in the night alone?

And then they get older.
Would she be happy letting him pick her up from parties where she's been drinking, maybe a couple of her friends too?

Would he drive a teenage babysitter home after a night out?

The questions and scenarios are just endless.

Thank you bufferingkisses-I should of put a disclaimer like you have which would of perhaps avoided some of the unrequired opinions/statements/anger. Won't help you. This is a public forum, you put things up on here you are going to get opinions you don't want, that's just tough.

OP, you are very defensive. Are you the "friend" and it's your dh in jail?

Ask her this ...

1] how will she feel, if when 14, her daughter tells her that daddy raped her?

my niece told my SIL, but it was her and a friend, and they were 13. We don't know if he abused his younger children, they were too young. But there was certainly physical abuse happening.

2] how will she feel if she gets suspicious when her daughter is 14, and has to ask her if daddy raped her

my sister and brother had to ask their children, they said as the time, that it was the hardest thing they have ever done

I didn't have children at the time, but once I had heard what my brother did, he was dead to me.

It really has to come down to their potential children. Not what she wants, certainly not what he wants, but as to whether their children would ever be in danger. And how would she feel having exposed them to that danger?

It doesn't matter if the children won't be removed by SS, it will matter if she can handle the fall out of what might happen should they have children & be allowed to keep them. I couldn't live with "what if" hanging over my head. I don't know anyone how could. I'd certainly never want to leave my child alone with him. To me, it would like living with a loaded gun in the house.

The police described it as a relationship. That as may be, but you don't get jailed for relationships. You get jailed when those relationships cross legal lines.

but from what the OP has stated, the parents were aware and approved of the relationship (implied approval as they didn’t stop it or contact the police) Can you consent to sex on someone else's behalf then? Their "approval" makes it worse in my eyes, like they were complicit in it. They approved of their daughter's rape.

It's really sickening, sounds like virtually the minute he got access to school children he moved in on one and began abusing her. It does, doesn't it?

Has he been arrested for what he did to your friend, or another child?

In all honesty op, the best thing you can do for your friend is to tell her in no uncertain circumstances that if she stays with him, you have no option but to break contact with her. You can’t posdibly condone this.
What are you going to do in 10 years time when you both have kids and your dd wants to sleep over with hers? Or you both want to go to the pub and she says oh Steve will look after the kids.
She may have been in shock finding out s week after the wedding, but she has had a lot of time to consider her options since. A teacher does not have a relationship with a 14yo. He rapes her.
In the intervening ten years, I wound put money on him having at least tried to do the same thing with other girls.
Don’t fawn and try to persuade her. No one else will give her that much respect if she stays with him. She divorced him or you are out, and she has made a choice that will have consequences for her and any children that are unfortunate enough to be fathered by a child rapist who was a fucking TEACHER fgs.

Am I reading this wrong? Is he in prison for abusing your friend, or for abusing another child?

I read it as another child.

Rosemary Another child, before he met op's friend.

He was in a position of trust. He took advantage of his position and had sex with a pupil. He's now a schedule 1 offender. Probably barred from working with children and if he applies to work with adults he will also be barred.

If your friend has a family with him there is a likelihood he will offend again. How will the child feel when it finds out what it's dad did? If parents of the child's friends were to find out the child would be hugely affected as no friends would stay to play or sleep over.

Ss do remove children from birth if they feel they are at risk of harm. They also can insist your friend ends her marriage otherwise they take the child.

A 22 year old teacher had sex with a 14-15 year old pupil. Whether consentual or not he was an adult and a teacher she was a pupil and a child below the legal age of consent. He's been imprisoned (which never happens unless it's bad!) He could do it again at any time, with any teenage.

Why would anyone chose to have a child into this situation?! Madness.

@differentnameforthis Ugh, I didn't think of that. OP are you the friend?

I struggle with this as I am the child of parents who got together when my mum was 15 ( lied and said she was 18) and my dad was 30. They have been married for 45 years now. In this day and age my dad could be convicted.😕

However the fact he was imprisoned rather than just put on the register is disturbing. SS would closely monitor any child born in to such a family. They wouldn’t automatically take the baby away unless he was convicted of something else u don’t know about.

There are no guarantees either way IME.

I know of someone who was arrested as part of a child porn ring with a shocking amount of child abuse images on his computer. When he was released he was allowed to go home to his children.

Hello, I'm sorry for what happened to your friend, it's probably very hard for her to come to terms with.

However the point is her husband is a convicted sex offender. Presuming he's not got very credible grounds for claiming it's a miscarriage of justice, my advice to any friend of mine in that situation would be to seek a divorce, or I wouldn't consider myself a true friend. It's true that 14 and 15 year old girls do have sex (I've been a 14 year old girl), but -assuming he did it, which doesn't seem to be in dispute, he wouldn't be in jail if he hadn't committed a crime. And a pretty serious crime which he knew he was commiting.

No ifs, no buts. Sex offending isn't a one off thing. And sex offenders can be persuasive and charming and will nearly always offer justifications for their behaviour. And in my view a true friend will tell their friend that.

As a CP social worker, I would advise your friend to contact her local social service department before, or when she becomes pregnant.

In my authority, assessments are done and we take into consideration if the offender has completed any treatment work, the outcome of that, and also we ask that the offender engages in a comprehensive sexual risk assessment and completes any recommendations from this. There are many factors to consider.

For example, it may be that the offender is considered a risk to pubescent females, but poses a low level of risk to males 0-16. Or it could be that they pose a risk to pre pubescent males, with no cross overs into other areas. It's a complex area.

I would always recommend supervised contact between the offender and children, with the offender residing away from the family home. Assessment of the mother would be needed to ascertain if she is able to identify the potential risks and act in a manner to safeguard her child.

Supervised contact may be the best your friend could hope for though, OP.

One of the rules of the sex offender register is that the offender cannot reside with, or have contact with, any child under 16, unless previously agreed. Such as through social service agreement.

It will be a long process for your friend to go through. Ultimately, she may he asked to make a choice between her child and her relationship.

Thanks for the info. Not that I need to justify or prove but no I am not the friend. I’m defensive yes because I care for her and it’s horrible to see this situation daily. I don’t think u less you are in this position yourself and see this you can say 100% how you would react and be, I would of expected different of myself and a lot harder on her but i’m not as she’s struggling.

I think going through all this will get that glimmer out of her, I do not want her to give up on having a normal family life and she can find that with someone else. Next step I need to find out is divorcing someone in jail and help her look at finances and selling a property whilst he’s in jail. I think if I shock her then give her some solutions to move on it will make it seem easier but let’s see.

BooFuckingHooToYou a relationship between a 15 and 18 year old would not automatically result in a prosecution. The law is designed to protect vumerable young people from being taken advantage of.

There is a huge difference between 14 being groomed and raped by a 22 year old teacher and an 18 and 15.

OP does your friend know the full details of the crime? She can apply to the police to find out about any all convictions he has. The police will disclose this information if they believe it is in her best interest.

She was there for the plea and sentencing and also has discussed it all with the barrasiter so I believe so yes

She will have talked to the defence barrister who acted for her H. Barrister would have been very limited by client confidentiality, so I wouldn't factor that into any decision making.

You do not need to do research into divorce. That is an excessive level of involvement on your part. Talk with her about the things on this thread, but divorce is her decision and you really need to step away from that.

You're at risk of infantilising her. She has agency and these are her decisions to make (and live with).

As it goes, prison makes no difference at all, it's merely the respondents postal address for documentation.

Someone I know had a husband who was sacked from his teaching job for having a relationship with a pupil.

She has stayed with him, apparently unconcerned that her daughter will he of that age in a few years. He found it necessary to hold his 8 year old daughter up in front of his face to hide from the reporter that came round, so that it was her on the front page of the paper and not him.

That's the kind of lovely couple we're taking about: what wonderful parents they'll make.

You say he was reported when he got married? What if he knew he was going to be reported and that's why he got married - so it looked better for him in court?