Help please-sex offenders could they become a parent or not? Friends husband in jail

[Lotty1880]

So my friends husband is currently serving a jail sentence for a previous relationship she had no knowledge of. The girl was between 14-15, when he married his now wife the girl reported him. Trial, guilty plea and now servicing a sentence. They have not been married long and it’s very testing as you can imagine. If she sticks by him what’s the chances of them being able to have a family?

Again, and sorry to Labour the point, but greensleeves responses are nothing compared to what your friend will face if she carries on with her plan. Most rational people find the idea of knowingly starting a family with a paedophile abhorrent - this will be her reality day in/day out.

Whether she gets to keep the baby is only one consideration in all this. The reality of how her life will be needs drumming into her.

Just not sure why if you are so disgusted greensleeves you’re actually seeing my point and purpose and posting helpful information. That’s a contradiction to what you have said previously.

That’s something I will mention. I think she’s clutching onto something that isn't there.

FGS OP, are you thick or something that you can't see that this woman having a baby with a convicted sex offender is a Very Bad Thing? Surely any sane person's response to someone asking this would be "are you out of your fucking mind?"?

I'm trying to override my revulsion and take you at your word. I found your opening post very alarming and offensive, but what really worries me is the very real possibility of a paedophile raising his own victims. It wouldn't be the first time. Your friend needs a cold, hard reality check and I think a chat with a CP social worker might be the only way for her to get it. If friends and family are trying to "support her in her choices" then I think their loyalties are misguided and she may well make the wrong choice.

Yes I can see that thanks however that response has not helped so far so want facts. Very articulate of you though that comment well done.

I am trying to be helpful, honestly.

That cold hard reality check is what I want for her and I believe you are right and will take that advice. I did not mean to come acccross as enabling a terrible situation perhaps I should of stated my option first and elaborated. I was trying to protect information if I’m honest. Thanks greensleeves.

Hark at the OP who posts such a question and then tries to act all superior to the rest of us by saying things like "very articulate comment"! Don't really care if you think I'm articulate or not, I'm not the one trying to help a sex offender.

You are correct about he friends and families and she cannot think clear and wants to support him. However I want her to wake up and face some facts. This subject she has touched on is the most upsetting for her and I’m afraid that’s the only one that if she sees the facts will shock he into seeing the reality. I want her to move on. It’s complicated for her and her close family and friends believe by supporting her support him that’s right but I want to challenge her in the right way. I don’t want to go along but I need to find the best way to approach her and I want some facts so my opinion isn’t dismissed blindly.

EVerything in her life has changed. She got married to someone and this happened the week after. It’s unthinkable and I actually think because she had those feelings she’s concerned for his welfare so is trying to support him but will lose herself. She is young enough to move on meet someone new and have a family. It’s heartbreaking and i’ve Gone through anger, disgust, frustration, tears with her and now I want to challenge her but with facts.

I should of explained this in a more appropriate way but it’s actually hard for me to discuss I feel I am betraying her but this was somewhere where I thought I would get useful information and to some extent I have.

Jamie-I just think calling me thick and swearing was not appropriate and by no means would I ever help someone like that. Quite the opposite. It’s the most bizarre situation I have known and i’m Finding a tactic to help someone. At least other people have tried to help your comment was unnecessary.

If his sentence is for Rape he will fall under the sexual offence notification requirements, and be a MAPPA Category 1 offender. This means he will have to register with police in release and actions set to protect past and potential victims. This may include disclosing his offence to partners, employers etc; preventing him from certain jobs, voluntary positions. If he and his partner have a child there will be automatic involvement of social services and an assessment made of the mother’s capacity to protect the child. She needs to think this through very thoroughly before having a child with him, it would entail a long term engagement with children’s services and if they are not content she is aware of and taking measures to manage the risks her child may be removed. I suggest she take professional advice - talk to social care, or to a charity like NSPCC or Barnardos who know Child Protection, or like the Lucy Faithfull Foundation who work with perpetrators of sexual offences. She needs to fully understand the implications before deciding her next step.

I’d need to know more about the “crime” a 22yr old at an alcohol and drug party...girl claims to be 18 one time sex, father found out....
Or persistent obsession with a 14yr old despite buddies telling him....

Your “friend” needs to run for the hills. Then run some more.

Know someone in RL with similar situation who stood by her husband, despite him being found guilty and going to prison, she not only stood by him but waited for him to be released and went on to have kids with him. It’s beyond belief how blind some women are.

These women are in denial, face facts, this is never going to end well.

This page might be a helpful place to start, there's some info lower down about what happens when people on the sex offenders register have children. I would imagine the fact that his offence was against a child would have a seriously prejudicial effect on the outcome of any risk assessment, but again, SS are notoriously patchy in how they assess risk to children at the moment for a number of reasons.

I can actually understand your friend's utter devastation and confusion and not being able to switch the feelings off immediately when she found this out a week after the wedding. But to be still considering having a family with him really does worry me. I hope you can help her to see sense.

hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/information-relationships-children-dealing-social-services/

Sorry, this page!

Also this page which explains "disqualification by association" - if you live in a house with someone convicted of sexual offences against a child, you yourself can be disbarred from working with children

hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/childcare-disqualification-requirements/

Has she been to see him in prison yet? That might be a fairly sobering thing for her to experience. I know I sound mercenary but prison visiting, especially A cat is grim. She'll have to leave everything except her clothes and shoes and some change for vending machines in a locker. She'll be searched, including having to take any hairclips etc out and shake out her hair. Remove her shoes. May be photographed.

It must be so hard watching your friend potentially waste years on this.

Oh wow that information is helpful if not a bit worrying as not something she’s considered. It’s not going to be easy to bring this up but I cannot watch by, I have for a while and allowed her to think things will be ok but she will never ever have a life with him. I know the thread may not of represented her well but she’s from a lovely family and is intelligent, it’s scary what ‘love’ and ‘shock’ can do to someone. Hopefully some of this will help her address reality.

Simple answer- yes. As she was 15 and he was 22, whilst he will be on the register he probably won’t be classed as a risk to young children. Also depending on whether he knew the girls age, how long they dated for, how long he knew her for and in what capacity. They will need to be transparent to SS if she stays and they start a family, but it doesn’t automatically mean if she chooses to stay that they will have children removed from their care.

Yes she has been, there was once another inmate who started a fight with a visitor and that was unpleasant for her. This is what worries me she so strong in some ways that these instances have not diverted the route she’s taking. The barriers she has faced, telling her employer (it was in the paper) telling family, friends, learning to live alone, supporting herself financially, settling into a routine i’ve watched it all. But now she’s at that stage of getting through that I need to wake her up. She has been concerned about his wellbeing and safety which I know sounds ridiculous but she loves him and married him and is seeming to put herself last. Yes hard to watch. She’s got so much to offer.

SD1978 he is in jail though, so the seriousness of the offence must have warranted that in the eyes of the police/CPS. He'll be on the sex offenders register and his wife's life will be devastated.

Good luck Lotty

The one thing that breaks her armour is the child part, she says one minute she never could and will settle for that but then she says she longs to have a family one day. I fear that when he is out which is a few years away she could end up becoming pregnant without fully taking note of the consequences and challenges so I want her to take that on board he cold hard facts to cut through some of these feelings. Also why should she not be a mother why should she give that up for him when he does not deserve that. She can have that wig someone else or if for some reason she can’t she could adopt. I need to question her on this and have here and there but have backed off to allow her to adjust.

I don't envy you. You have some good resources from this thread - good luck! I hope she sees sense.