Terrible twos / threenager support thread

[Belleende]

Hello all,

Thought I would start this and see where is goes. I am mum to 2 DDS. One 7 weeks and one 2.5. currently on mat leave.

My DD1 has always been a lively high energy kid, but has lately been incredibly challenging. Last week it took me 1.5 hours to get her into her clothes and out the door. I started a thread here and got great support.

There are lots of separate threads with good advice on, but I thought it might be helpful to have a go to place for help support and advice on dealing with the daily challenges of toddler wrangling.

My current challenges include, how to get dressed without a drama, how to manage transitions without meltdowns, to nap or not to nap, how to maintain sanity when toddler asks for a bath and then refuses to get in it, how to keep it light and playful when you are feeling just short of murderous.

Say howdy if you think this might be useful and we can go from there.

You're meant to go once they have teeth for an initial check up and then 6 or 12 monthly depending on your dentist. Because if he needs any treatment we have to go to hospital, we are going 3 monthly!

Hello, I have two DDs, 5 and 3. My three year old is irrational, screamy, and angry for no reason. Really no reason. "Good morning" (opening curtains) "no, I want open them" "ok, you can open them" (closing curtains) "no, I want close them" (all screamed while becoming more and more agitated). I've just started with support from the children's centre (sure start) because I couldn't cope with the anger which can be the second she wakes up to the second she goes to sleep. But then she'll have whole days when she's a delight, with her own little interests and sense of humour and she's adorable. Then she will be the devil again for three days solid. I'm trying all sorts of tactics on the advice of the children's centre but (as with sleep problems which both of mine had and still do to some extent) I suspect they're just things to occupy myself with thinking I'm doing something until she just grows out of it of her own accord (or moves out and is angry and shouty in her own house). I've not read the full thread yet but I'll come back to it and I'm so pleased to have found you all. Also struggling with my mum who says I've done it all wrong, it's all my fault and I should be much much stricter - none of this "do you want the red plate or the green plate?" nonsense.

Bless you newto it sounds like you have your hands full there and your Mum is not helping matters! For what it's worth I give in to most of my DD's demands as I'm too knackered to challenge her haha and I only have one kid to worry about!

I hope your DS gets used to the dentist sleeping seeing as he has to go so much poor guy!

@newtothenet my almost three year old is exactly the same. I love her so much but her 'nice' days are few and far between.

She has started hitting, mainly me. She actually has hurt me a few times now, there is a lot of anger behind it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have tried every tactic and she doesn't respond to anything. I'm at the point where I dread what she will be like every morning

It feels so horrid to be talking about my own child like that but I'm so drained

I am so proud of DD

Just had a progress report from Nursery. She's just moved rooms and has settled so well. If you ask her about Nursery now she'll say "I go stairs" (her Nursery has a room in the basement) and then she'll say she "paint" "colour" or "book" (read). Nursery are super happy with her and are asking to feature her on the Facebook as Child of the Term for her room I may have cried a tinsy bit.

Two appointments tomorrow, DH working so I'm prepared for tantrum central.

newtothenet and Lucy me three.
My DD is 2.6, and as I posted earlier has just started to have meltdowns on an epic scale and I totally recognise the "I want this" no "I want the opposite of this", flipping from one to the other every 10sec with anger increasing all the time.

For us I am now totally convinced that there are a mix of factors at play, and I think only two are easily modifiable. My DD is teething her last big teeth. She has never been an obvious teether, and I think the epic meltdowns come when she is in pain.

Also, getting the amount of sleep right I think has a huge influence. She is I think in the process of dropping her nap, but isn't quite ready for it yet. So again tiredness I think plays a massive part.

Today I have given her ibuprofen every 4 hours and let her nap for as long as she wanted. She has been a delight.

However, I think a big chunk of her behaviour is just about being two and having a whole heap of big emotions that she doesn't know how to handle yet and a growing need to be more in control.

As you will see on this thread the various tactics we all employ are at best hit and miss, and I agree sometimes I try things just to feel like I am doing something.

I do know what doesn't work for us. Offering choice doesn't work for us generally, and using physical force to get clothes on/off doesn't work for us either.

Two tactics that have had a bit of an impact. Firstly being stricter. When she is being naughty I now use a much more forceful tone of voice (she calls it scary mummy), it does make her think twice, sometimes. Hitting and dangerous behaviour and she has time out in her room with no further warnings.

Secondly, I go to the final natural consequence much faster, skipping the hours of persuading and cajoling. So, if she won't put her shoes/coat on, she goes out with none on. If she won't come out, I go without her. I am much more business like in my approach but I know that feeling of dread. Like living with a timebomb.

ThreeDaysAWeekaww, that's so great, well done mummy too

Lovely news Three

Snotty, grumpy DC here and freeeeezing weather, which has meant no park trips for us. This is very bad as it means they have lots of energy to work off, mainly by hitting each other

to Lucy and newto, toddlers are hard work!! Mine are 2.4 now and getting more wilful by the day. I do find them much easier on the days we can get out and tire them out at the park or whatever, winter is proving challenging! They are really enjoying preschool too which helps a lot.

Newto it doesn't sound like your mum is helping either - one of the best bits of advice I've found is "pick your battles" - if it helps your DD to choose her favourite colour plate then why not?! What on earth is the point in being strict over that? I remember that often when dealing with toddler meltdowns; things that are completely inconsequential to us are breaking point to them, if they want to wear odd shoes or whatever then why not.....

That is fantastic Three. You must be over the moon 😊

I've had a hard day with my two. Had a toddler meltdown in the middle of rhyme time because another kid got to hold the peter rabbit puppet and got the side eye from a couple of first-time mums of babies who clearly have no idea what is ahead of them.

Does anyone else put the kids to bed, breathe a sigh of relief, and then late at night start feeling terrible about the way you handled xyz and just want to wake them up and cuddle them and say sorry?

Feeling it tonight.

How do I except compliments?

With DDs issues I worry I'm not a good mum to her and I feel sometimes I let her get away too much. For example she wouldn't wear her coat so I didn't get into a battle with her over it, had the coat with me but she refused to wear it so I didn't force it.

But at her appointment today the audiologist said she was so lovely, polite and well behaved and I should be proud.

Of course I am proud of her she goes so through much and still smiles and manages to charm a sticker out of every specialist we see, but how do I except that the way she behaves is a reflection on me? And in this case it's a good thing?

Oh definitely wolves. That's mummy guilt for you! I think I should have been more patient/ listened more/ joined in playing for longer etc. But I am just so shattered by bedtime, I need them to go to sleep at a reasonable time so I can recover in time to do it all again the next day

If it's any consolation there is often a toddler meltdown at our sports group as there's only one pink ball and three kids want it! OH came with me yesterday as he finished work early. I thought that would make my life easier but in actual fact it was harder work than usual as he gets distracted so easily that I have to keep reminding him to actually look at his children

Wolves Oh god, yes. All the time. I am a dreadful overthinker at the best of times, so you can imagine

Nothing to do with toddlers per say, but somebody just went into the back of my car (at a very slow speed, fortunately). I had ds, my mum, and my 90 year old grandma on board though, so although no one was hurt and I'm pretty sure the car is fine, just cosmetic damage, I am busily beating myself up and running through all the worst case scenarios that didn't actually happen.

However I am proud of ds - I have hurt my wrist (nothing to do with the car, it was lifting humunga-boy, then overdoing it a bit at yoga that did it) so he's been having to walk much more because I just can't lift him all the time, and he's being really good about holding hands and walking like a big boy. We even went round the supermarket with a small trolley yesterday, and apart from a couple of 'crawling under the trolley for larfs' incidents, he did very well. Bless him, and his extremely heavy, wrist-knackering heart . I'm sure people must think I'm performance parenting though as in order to keep his attention I whitter away to him non-stop -does anyone else find themselves feeling self-conscious about this?

Spud I have to chat to DD in the supermarket or she throws a strop. "can you find a banana for me?" "oh good you found the bananas, can you see baked beans?" kinda thing, I annoy myself sometimes too

@upthewolves I feel like I spend every night promising myself things will be different!

I just feel like I'm wading through mud at the moment. I'm a SAHM so my life pretty much revolves around her. I'm just so bogged down with it all. Her behaviour is horrendous and it's literally from waking to going to bed. I love her but I really don't enjoy being around her very much at the moment which is awful way to feel about your own child.

I know she can be well behaved. We had a few blissful days last week where she was pleasant, well behaved and generally lovely. Nothing different, she was just in a good mood lol But this week we are back to normal

Sleep wise she goes to bed at 7:30/8 (asleep in minutes) and wakes between 8:30 and 9am if I let her so not sure I can blame it on tiredness. She starts nursery after Easter holidays and I'm praying it makes a difference

ThreeDaysAWeek i have a portage eho constantly tells me how amazing X is and how its all down to how we parent him and I think but I just do what other people do except I am definitely too soft on him, how do I deserve the credit for such a lovely kid , especially of course because they know how to play to an audience!! So he will walk round a toy shop holding my hand perfectly but will throw himself on the floor and cry at home if I say no to something simple.

I just try and tell myself its testament to our love and that there are ways to raise amazing kids without being really strict.

Sleeping DH just said similar "It's great she's so good for other people, means we can offload her to friends or family and they'll happily take her"

Hahaha I wish, he is a darling but people are wuss and won't play with his button and tubes

sleeping Ah haha, I'd have him if you were close enough (nearly typed DDs name then ) DD is hardwork but she doesn't require oxygen or anything, and can be left with a dog/slide at my MILs while she goes to make a cuppa (the dog is a big softy, and DD sits on her, drools all over and rides her like a pony and the dog just takes it)

I reckon he'd like to be babysat by the dog hehe. Mil has his for max 3 hours at ours when fil is well enough so we get an odd drip to the pub for lunch occasionally and dh def does his share at weekends if I want to do something

MIL & FIL are having my DCs tomorrow morning - they are always worn out by the time I collect them after lunch - the in laws not the children!!

Has anyone else been watching Hunted on Channel 4? I'm hormonal and have been sobbing over the Dad and his son who has Aspergers. Waaaah.

No, I binge watched Neighbours and Home and Away because DH was at the pub. I can't cope with stuff luke that. I cried at Wynonna Earp series finale though

Sleeping MILs dog loves babysitting, if I turn up at MILs without DD the dog goes and sulks in her bed, it's oddly lovely .

Ruby Don't watch Hunted but it sounds interesting, will it be on 4OD? As my sky box is almost full with stuff I need to watch but haven't got round to. 27 episodes of Emmerdale anyone?

Well this week can just fuck off quite frankly! It's been disastrous from start to finish. I am past the point of even wanting a glass of wine in the evening I just want to go to bed, not cry and not wake up in the night either worrying about something or because one of the kids is crying. I also want DD2 to stop grumbling and go to sleep soon I can go and play with dd1 who I have currently abandoned in front of the TV.

Sorry to moan. I know we've all had tough weeks. I think I'm not coping very well at the moment.

Sending you internet stranger hugs Snuggly xx

Thanks Sleeping. I'll be OK. It's just like wading through treacle at times!