Terrible twos / threenager support thread

[Belleende]

Hello all,

Thought I would start this and see where is goes. I am mum to 2 DDS. One 7 weeks and one 2.5. currently on mat leave.

My DD1 has always been a lively high energy kid, but has lately been incredibly challenging. Last week it took me 1.5 hours to get her into her clothes and out the door. I started a thread here and got great support.

There are lots of separate threads with good advice on, but I thought it might be helpful to have a go to place for help support and advice on dealing with the daily challenges of toddler wrangling.

My current challenges include, how to get dressed without a drama, how to manage transitions without meltdowns, to nap or not to nap, how to maintain sanity when toddler asks for a bath and then refuses to get in it, how to keep it light and playful when you are feeling just short of murderous.

Say howdy if you think this might be useful and we can go from there.

I am sooooo up for visiting you for coffee Wolves, say for a month??

I think this is the thread for me - please can I join?!

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. The 4 year old has always been very well behaved so the 2 1/2 year olds behaviour has come as a bit of a shock!

I never know where I am with him. He can be really lovely and caring, he regularly tells me he loves me and gives me cuddles and kisses. In fact he is often lovely for most of the day. But his behaviour when he isn't is just awful. And he can have whole days of being awful too, when I really struggle to cope. I'm a SAHM and my DH works away regularly, Mon- Fri many weeks, so I don't get much of a break, though thank goodness he naps for a couple of hours each day.

He likes to hit. And when he's in such a mood he will just keep doing it, nothing will stop him. He hits me, his dad and he hits his sibling (they get on very well most of the time, it's very random and comes from nowhere). I've tried being calm but firm, talking about being kind and using gentle hands. It doesn't work so I'm often driven to shout. I've tried the naughty step and time out. I've tried ignoring him. He doesn't care. He finds it funny. It isn't necessarily a hitting for attention thing either because we can be having a lovely time doing an activity and then he will suddenly start hitting, for no apparent reason. It's like he gets joy from hurting/ seeing the reactions he gets.

He doesn't really tantrum as such, he's not fussy about things which I should be thankful for I guess. But he can be stubborn. So he might get dressed without a fuss most days but then one morning he will refuse and be so difficult that it makes getting my 4 year old to school on time really hard. Like someone else mentioned I've recently started getting him dressed upstairs, before breakfast. He's pretty good at eating without making a mess now and it makes things much easier.

He's a great walker and can walk for hours however I can't trust him to walk for the school run, which is only a few minutes! When we get to a road he will refuse to hold my hand to cross the road and he will either sit down and not move for 10 minutes or run for the road. Every now and again I let him walk home to see how he is but he does the same thing 9/10 times, so I have to stick to keeping him in the pushchair.

He's at the top of the chart for weight/ height and is stronger than me so I can't just pick him up and carry him (plus I have health issues that mean I can't lift him unless essential). When I have attempted to carry him in desperation he has pulled my glasses off! The people on the current clothes thread saying just force the child into clothes obviously haven't had a child like mine! He won't just cry, he will wriggle and fight.

Other than the crossing the road issue, he's generally very good outside of the house, it's in the house when his behaviour is at its worst. He's never hit outside of the house. I've turned into such a shouty parent, I hate it. And I feel awful for my 4 year old too.

Can I join too please? Totally at my wits end today I have DD 3 and DS 1.9. It's such a gorgeous day here I thought we'd all have a nice trip to the park with the dog. Epic fail.

As soon as we get through the gate my DD does some sort of matrix kung fu move, manages to rip her hand out of mine and sprints off after a pigeon leaving me trying to wrestle my DS out of a puddle that he was jumping in, que screams of "no way" at the top of his lungs from him and me shouting for my DD to come back. They then both make a beeline for a dog knowing full well we don't run after doggies as they can get scared and might bite - they were like mad things, they've NEVER done this!! I chased after them both, luckily getting to them before they reached the dog and went on to explain AGAIN how we don't run after doggies etc, to then get an earful from the dogs owner that I should be more of a responsible parent and control my children.

Having only had 4 hours sleep last night as both babies decided that midnight - 3am is the best time for playing, when she starting shouting at me I could have cried

Oh and DS has started biting, luckily only me at the moment but I've got no idea how to stop him before he moves on to his sister / other children

We have to go to Tesco's this afternoon and I'm honestly dreading the I want to sit in the trolley / seat / I want to walk fight we have every time.

Please someone tell me it gets easier?! I don't mind if you lie, I just need a small light at the end of the tunnel

Welcome cheeseoatcake! Sounds like you're having a rough time atm. Hopefully some of the others will have some good advice for you.

My 2.5 year old also has whole days where she's just completely off on one and I can't seem to get her back on track. I find it's usually when she's had a couple of bad nights/ busy days and she's tired. It's so difficult I know cause it feels like nothing gets through.

I was talking to our child health nurse this morning at our 2 year check. She told me that at 2 time-out tends not to work as they are too young to reflect on their behaviour. It has made me reevaluate things myself because I had found time-out wasn't having any effect on DD. Have you tried sticker charts? I am thinking about giving that a go with mine. You could try something like that for the walk to school. My DD doesn't like the pram but now knows that the slightest transgression when out for a walk means she is back in it (her thing was bolting). I have had to strap her in with force before though and that's hard if you have a strong lad!

And Sleep, sure! Come on over! Your DH will be fine with the kids for a month ;-)

Hello cheese and tea! (Apologies that I have abbreviated your names into a delicious sounding snack combo, I am feeling peckish).

Baby reins are a bloody godsend for bolters - ds is alarmingly good at wrestling his hand free too, we we have reins for a backup anywhere where he might hurt himself, like carparks or similar. I have a fab set from Argos that are rainbow coloured, they are old fashioned ones that are like a little harness as opposed to a backpack, and they cost £7.99. I don't leave home without them, even though days can go by without needing them.

When I'm out with ddog, I can only have one of them 'off lead' at a time, as they run in opposite directions and get into mischief 😐 It's bloody hard work and I sympathise entirely.

Thank you upthewolves :)

He does have a sticker chart for good behaviour and he loves it and is proud if he gets a sticker, however it isn't enough to encourage him to behave well if he's in a naughty mood, so he doesn't have many so far! Maybe I need to break it up into smaller tasks as it's a general good behaviour one at the moment. He can get one for each half day as we started off with one a day but felt that was asking a bit much with how he is at the moment!

Yes, I forgot to say but I am not strong enough to get him back into the pushchair if he misbehaves when we're out! If he doesn't want to go back in then he won't and there's nothing I can do.

Oh and hello Spud :)

Cheeseoatcake Welcome, guessing your not far from me if your Username is a reference to your location. Love Cheesy oatcakes.

Englishbreakfasttea Another favourite of mine Sounds difficult, no idea what to advise I only have the one.

My DD is being an angel this week, but it's been so busy; 2 appointments at the hospital, saw the GP, has 2 different people in my house who are supposed to be "supporting the Week Family" but just sit and tell me what I'm doing wrong and tell me how I should be managing her. A meeting with the Nursery for our termly review. I'm home from work early as I didn't sleep well this week and my boss took one look at me when she got in at 10am and told me I can make the hours up next week *sigh8

And of course it's caused an argument between DH and I as he saw it as an opportunity for sex and the last thing I want right now is someone in my personal space, I'm tired and I just want 30 mins headspace before I head to the Nursery and get DD. DH thinks I'm being unfair as he "works fulltime". Usually he's great but today he's no being.

And breath.

Second reins. Ds isn't a bolter tbf but is known for throwing himself on the floor in a paddy and whopping his head on the way down. Still reins give him a bit more freedom whilst me having control. He's on o2 so knows he can't run for it as lead is only limited length.

Wolves I actually though when I posted ahh but DS isnt allowed to fly. I forgot I could just abandon him here and run off to where Chris Hemsworth and Ash from Home and Away lives.

Picked DD up and she told the staff that apparently "Gaga no like daddy" (grandma doesn't like daddy) which would be odd as Grandma is my MIL aka DHs mum!

How do we know when it's just normal behaviour or something more?

My toddler is pushing me to my limits. Tbh im not really coping at all. I try to parent well and fairly . it's really important to me but I was brought up in a very abusive household I find myself regressing too a shouty mess that just escalated so I'm making it worse. His behaviour can be extreme and constant

Mustang sounds like you are really struggling. This shit is hard, no matter what your background, harder still if your personal experience set a crappy example.

Before trying to figure out what is wrong with who, Read through the thread, there are some useful suggestions of how to manage various challenges. Do an experiment. If you see a situation arising ( e.g. not putting clothes on), pick a tactic you haven't used before and try it out (e.g. being really silly and making a game out of it). Some tactics will work some won't and it will change. I found seeing results from changing my behaviour really encouraging. I won't lie, it is still fucking tedious, but there is much less angst.

Keep posting, let us know specifically what are your biggest ball aches. None of us have it cracked (why I love this thread), but we have all developed mechanisms to protect sanity and get shit done.

Much the same here. My first DC - DS - was so chill, he was horizontal. Hardly any tantrums.

My third DC - DD2 - is the most chill baby. She's so happy all the time.

My second DC - DD2, age 3 in four weeks, is a fucking nightmare. I'm regularly at my wits end with her. High maintenance from the day she was born, and I say that as a person who is passionate about bloody attachment parenting. She wouldn't go to anyone - ANYONE - for the first year, I had to hold her constantly, I couldn't even use the sling as she WANTED to be held. She would scream and scream until she was sick, until I picked her up or someone handed her back to me. Gradually as she's got older, she's become fiercely independent and because she has only ever known her older brother's friends (who is 5), she seems older than almost 3. She talks incredibly well, is physically very able (walked at 9 months) and when she's happy, she's an absolute wonderful delight.

When she's not happy, it's horrendous screaming tantrums. She's never slept right through and wakes screaming and yelling regularly if she doesn't get her way over some arbitrary thing. She just screams all the time. It feels like she's been screaming since she was born. I keep waiting and hoping she'll grow out of it. I just have no tolerance for it anymore and I feel like it's damaging our relationship - the bad sleep and the screaming makes me behave so horribly towards her. Not abusive but not tolerant and patient like I am with the other two

Thanks Spud & Sleeping - Reins are a good idea, I'll try them again, the first attempt she thought it was funny to dangle from them so I had to carry her not even going to attempt reins with the little one yet, maybe one of those rucksack things might be worth a try

Rucksack might work on older one, ohh you're so grown up you can have your snack in your bag and carry out for mommy and look it has reins so you can't bloody escape mwahahahahaha

@RedCrab your post just made me cry. I honestly could have written that word for word, I have the male version of your wee girl. It's exhausting isn't it? Like you it's been from the very beginning. He is so bloody clever much smarter than me I feel lol. I love the very bones of him but i have no idea how to get through to him (also a fond advocate of attachment parenting) . I want him to be fierce but god just less so towards me. I totally agree with you with affecting tolerance levels which makes me snipey and just a bit horrible. It's me that needs a timeout I think but where do you turn as a parent when you can't find the right coping mechanisms.

@Belleende thank you. I have seen some cracking advice on the thread nothing seems to catch him. Silliness did not work I think he just thought I was mental lol. I will re read and see what else I can try. Iv also tried filling his day to bursting out with his naps and quiet time, letting the small stuff slide and praising the shit out of his good behaviour.

He isn't in any nursery/childcare setting yet I was considering trying him a couple of mornings a week to see if just expanding his world a little helps. Has anyone seen a change in behaviour doing this? He is in loads of groups and has an incredible bond with his granny but that's it for family and I have two close friends with wee ones and honestly that's all he knows. He has had two major changing in a baby brother 4 weeks ago and the loss of our dog so I get he has had a lot of changes and don't want to intensify already confusing times. God I sound neurotic sorry.

Mustang if you can afford some childcare go for it, but beware he may be an angel there and have no change in behaviour at home. Kids will behave differently in different places. My DD happily tidies up anywhere but in her own home, says please and thank you to all and sundry, but never to me (except ironically when I put her on the thinking step).

Whilst child care may not be the golden bullet, it will give you some respite which I really finds reduces the time I spend being shout.

Anyone want a 2.7 year old whose had a barking cough all night?

DH is working overtime yet again wish his work would hire some more bloody staff and I'm exhausted. DH working an extra hour until 3pm today which seems ages away. She's also not ill in herself just tired from coughing...this is going to be fun...

Mustang If DS didn't have an afternoon a week with a childminder, I think I'd go bonkers. I love him, but the break it gives me keeps me sane! One afternoon a week costs me £20 so it basically uses up his child benefit. I don't know that it's changed his behaviour (in any case he's been going since just before he turned 1) but he loves going, runs in without a backward look, and it gives me some precious head space.

Tea Rein swinging, wicked child DS hasn't tried that one yet!

Aww Three, no fun :( can you wrap hee warm and get out the house in the buggy?

I'm off to a Uni day school for my OU degree. I have to make actual grown up talk woth grown ups who aren't doctors, community health care etc. Basically people who don't want to know about my son.

Sleeping It's raining here and quite windy. DD hates the raincover, hates hoods on coats and would then cry when she got all wet...

DH has taken the car to work despite it only being a 10 minute walk because I have it "all week" as I need it to get to work and get DD to appointments, otherwise I'd just bung her in the car and go for a drive.

You can tell i'm a non driver lol

Will she fall fort favourite movie and duvet on the sofa?

She usually doesn't watch a full TV program on something like Cbeebies so I doubt she'd watch a film.

Trying to get hold of my mum who has a car seat to see if she wants to meet up, but she's probably still in bed the only person I know who needs 23 hours sleep in 24

Just got her megabloks table and big box of blocks out. She's not played with it for ages so wanted to see if she still liked it.

She's been quietly building on her table for the last 15 minutes...peace at last

Three How about a little toddler umbrella? Would she use that sensibly ‘like a big girl’?

Sleeping How are you finding uni plus DC? I’m doing a part time MSc and really struggling.

DH has taken DS swimming this morning so I really should rush about and get on with stuff as when they get back we’re going to my parents for the weekend.