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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

MOTHER NEVER HAS HER CHILD WHAT CAN WE DO

156 replies

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 12:58

My partner has a 6 year old with his ex and we have her 50/50 (but have her more ) we have lived together for 4 years. We have her Thursday- Sunday week one Tuesday - Friday week 2. The problem is tues-fri where she has to have her fri and sat night she never has her. So she wont have her in the week or at the weekend. We always find out shes slept at someones house but its not grandparents its young cousins babysitting or sleeping at friends houses anyone who will have her rally as shes very social and drinks a lot. She will take her to the pub and have someone else take her home so she can stay out all night. Shes been passed from pillar to post. what can we do ? It blows my brains how she cant plan her social life around when she doesn't have her. She gets much more spare time then most separated parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 15:05

Grandma does but the mother goes direct to dads mum and shes scared to say no to anythinh incase she stops her seeing her grandma picks her up from school on tuesdays and thursdays also so theres no childcare doe either party

OP posts:

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:05

Since the mother apparently appreciates time off when dd is with her father, I very much doubt she will totally stop such an arrangement.

Olivetappas · 20/11/2017 15:05

Please go and see a solicitor or maybe firstly dad raises with mum if she doesn't start taking her parenting seriously he will be going for full custody

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paranoidpammywhammy2 · 20/11/2017 15:08

Co-sleeping at 6 is not wrong if just the parent. My daughter used to crawl into my bed in the middle of the night after staying at her dad's. She would be extra clingy for a few nights. If she's ill she will do the same. The paediatrician told me to continue as I was doing and not make it an issue.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:08

I can't make sense of your last post. Can you re-write it?

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:10

Pammy - the OP's issue with the co-sleeping is that a new boyfriend is also in the bed.

Original poster

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 15:11

In instances like that and occasion but ypur child i assime would usually sleep in their own bed on a normal night

OP posts:

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:14

Sara to be honest I would go apeshit about the co-sleeping with essentially a 'strange' man in the bed also. I mean apeshit.

But....... that is the only thing that I can see that the mother is doing wrong.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:17

So, what are you going to do about your birthday night away? Are you going to tell the mother no? Are you going to take the dd and arrange a babysitter? Or are you going to fume and drive yourself mental?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 20/11/2017 15:17

Yes, I agree, totally inappropriate with the bf.

I think your partner needs to act if he suspects his child is truly being neglected. My Ex moaned all the time and threatened SS but never did as he knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:18

And for the third time, would your parents babysit? Or do you have a sister, a close friend, a brother who you babysit?

hiddley · 20/11/2017 15:19

*a brother who could babysit. Hopefully you're not still babysitting your brother

diddl · 20/11/2017 15:19

Do when does the mother actually have her?

To me it looks as if she goes out 2 evenings on "her" time?

Original poster

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 15:25

My parents live in spain bos mother picks the child up from school every tuesday and thursday the mother also asks dads mother to babysit regular dad is an only child my siblings dont live in the same city

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 15:26

We are going to go but if she is still going to newcastle we are going to arranve the babysitter so we know she is safe and looked after by his mum

OP posts:

catkind · 20/11/2017 15:27

If mum's lying about the bed sharing with the bf, you log every time DD says it has happened, and you have evidence of her lying about it - which suggests she knows it's wrong. And again consult a professional.

TBH if things are as you describe it sounds like you're going to need to try to change the arrangements to officially have her most of the time and ideally non-overnight contact with mum.

DullAndOld · 20/11/2017 15:30

no childfree nights eh?
Well tough, you signed up for life with three children didn't you? What did you expect?

user1471600850 · 20/11/2017 15:31

For gods sake move on from childfree nights - read the thread!!

schoolgaterebel · 20/11/2017 15:31

* If we have his daughter every weekend then we don't get a child free night at all*

^^ But isn't that what parenting is? My DC are teens and my DH and I didn't have 'child free' nights for years.

Whinesalot · 20/11/2017 15:46

You can't change the mother, you can only work around the options you have - which may mean no child free weekend nights if that is best for the child.

shutitandtidyupgitface · 20/11/2017 15:47

Dads worried about her endless threats to stop him seeing her if he doesnt follow gee rules hes worried a court case will stop hom seeing hos daughter for months

He's not really though, he is? Because its obvious that the mother would then need more people to mind the child. This is just what men say when they know they should be getting full residency of their child but they don't actually want to. Neither of you want to, because you, like the mother, want to protect your child free nights.

BowlingShoes · 20/11/2017 15:58

If this was a mother posting about how a useless father got the kids for the weekend but ditched them to go off drinking, it'd be a different story..the double standards are laughable.

This. MN is totally unreasonable towards stepmums sometimes. If a woman said that she had 50-50 custody but the Dad spent his time leaving the child with young relatives while he went out drinking there would be outrage. Perfectly reasonable in a 50-50 arrangement for both parents to get an equal amount of child-free time. The mum obviously gets plenty.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 20/11/2017 16:00

But isn't that what parenting is? My DC are teens and my DH and I didn't have 'child free' nights for years

So because you didn't have any 'child free' nights for years no-one else should? Once again, not a mention of the actual mother gallivanting several nights a week but OP dares to have ONE night away and you're judging her?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/11/2017 16:03

Op I've skipped a few messages. He really needs to look at going to court for custody. She isn't being looked after properly by her mom and there's really only one answer to that

dinahmorris · 20/11/2017 16:17

From what you've said I agree with others who suggest logging everything and seeking legal advice. It sounds like an unsuitable situation I wouldn't want to leave a child in. If you can get a higher proportion of residency then you can start to think about babysitters and child-free evenings.

You can't change other people's behaviour, only your own. So don't bother trying to get the mother to behave properly, you two need to step up.

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