Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

MOTHER NEVER HAS HER CHILD WHAT CAN WE DO

156 replies

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 12:58

My partner has a 6 year old with his ex and we have her 50/50 (but have her more ) we have lived together for 4 years. We have her Thursday- Sunday week one Tuesday - Friday week 2. The problem is tues-fri where she has to have her fri and sat night she never has her. So she wont have her in the week or at the weekend. We always find out shes slept at someones house but its not grandparents its young cousins babysitting or sleeping at friends houses anyone who will have her rally as shes very social and drinks a lot. She will take her to the pub and have someone else take her home so she can stay out all night. Shes been passed from pillar to post. what can we do ? It blows my brains how she cant plan her social life around when she doesn't have her. She gets much more spare time then most separated parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 13:43

no she doesn't have her child on planned days. That's the point. we had her Tues - Friday bonfire weekend she had her the Saturday (her day) but sent her home with someone else so she could stay out late at night. We wouldn't of had an issue having her that night we just don't know about it until after the concern is who she is been left with and where, he doesn't know if shes in a safe environment or with a responsible adult.

OP posts:
rightsofwomen · 20/11/2017 13:44

Oh, so you don't really want to have her more. In which case a Court Order won't help. What do you want?

Smallpotatolove · 20/11/2017 13:45

Can you ask the mum to change things so she maybe only has the girl two week days a week? Have you asked her if you can have her full time?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families General parenting
Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 13:45

You sound more fed up that you don't have child free nights than that she's not looking after her child. If you suspect neglect you need to report and look at changing contact arrangements. If it's just the child is safe with another adult that's not your business. She's allowed a night out.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/11/2017 13:45

So OP which is more important, the welfare and security of a 6 year old child or your ability to have 'child free nights'?

Simple question and a simple answer, I think.

LoveYouTimMinchin · 20/11/2017 13:45

If she isn't being fed properly and is cold and ill at home, then why aren't you all treating this far more urgently!?

From everything you have said here, the poor child's mother doesn't seem to care for her very much and prioritises her social life over her daughter.

Your partner should be looking on this as an emergency.

Olivetappas · 20/11/2017 13:46

Ur in a terrible predicament ur entitled to a break yet if she goes home you worry for her wellbeing. Iv had my partners dd over when my ds was at his grans, that is usually when I get my work done and house chores. I can't lie I enjoy my own time and it frustrated me that partner was in work and I cdnt get anything done as her mum decided she wasn't picking her up for no good reason. She did this a few times and I never understood why a woman wouldn't want to be with her daughter.

However sometimes you have to put the child's needs before your own and as we know she'll be dropped off at someone else's house the break isn't worth it.
In your case I think u should take legal action and see if dad could get full custody start clearly she is lacking In her dutys. She doesn't take motherhood seriously and can't seem to separate her lifestyle for the few days she does have her!
Honestly I'd contact a solicitors and raise with them what you have been hearing, it could be enough to scare mum into being a better more responsible parent or it could end with dd being a more comfortable stable home.

If you do get custody then childcare for you both can be arranged, but rite now I'd focus on making sure daughter is safe and well Thanks

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 13:47

Fitzsimmons - no we would rather have her full time. your missing the point. He would prefer to have her full time. With the mother having planned days / overnight access obviously. Is not about giving up a child free night if we had her full time it wouldn't be an issue for his mother to babysit every now and then. The point is if he sticks to the 50/50 but every weekend hes not going to get a babysitter when he only has her half the week but why is it fair for it to be every weekend just so she can have a social life. We would prefer to have her full time we arent trying to fob her off we want her. !

OP posts:
hiddley · 20/11/2017 13:47

Sounds to me that you want to be doing exactly as she is doing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2017 13:48

I think you should apply to have her full time. The mother sounds neglectful.

Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 13:49

So report the neglect and go to court?
You seem much more focused on who gets to have a babysitter or a social life rather than the welfare of this poor child.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 13:52

Olivetappas - yes that exactly it. Its so frustrating. We run around between the 3 kids all week she doesn't drive and is at school the other end of town a 20 min drive and on the week day week its drop off and pick up 6 times its a lot of travel to pick up and drop off we would rather her be with us and all go to the same school.
The only reason we haven't sought legal action is for financial reasons its like a catch 22. At least if we had her full time and the mother had her alternate Friday one week or Saturday next week we would get one night off and she would be forced to spend that time with her child as it would only be one night and she would then be in a better routine and not passed around all the time and we could manage her health problems closer as we work hard on our days and its all undone when she goes back.

OP posts:
TheTroutofNoCraic · 20/11/2017 13:55

The thing I would be most concerned by is the child sharing a bed with mum's new boyfriend.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 13:55

bringing social services in will not benefit the child ! maybe i haven't understood the situation properly.
We would happy apply for her full time but the mother would fight to the death shes made that clear even though we no she doesn't want her she would get legal aid so shes not bothered were as a dragged out court case would cost us thousands we don't have. How do we go about it ?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 13:56

Your post is still all about you. About whether you get childfree time, about how you run around, your hard work is undone and your financial concerns.
Nothing about the actual child and what's best for her.

Lovemusic33 · 20/11/2017 13:56

You say 'she's not neglected' but then you say she's not being fed properly, she's getting into bed with her mums new boyfriend and the house is cold? So is this not neglect?

If I were you I would be contacting social services and your dp should fight for full custody. Her mother obviously hasn't got time for her, would rather be out with her new boyfriend, your dp should step in and fight for his daughter.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 13:56

TheTroutofNoCraic we are very concerend ! the mother lies and tells us she sleeps in her own bed but the child tells us theres no reasoning with her.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 13:57

So report and take to court.

Lovemusic33 · 20/11/2017 13:58

Court doesn't have to cost £1000's your dp can represent himself.

DukesofHazzard · 20/11/2017 13:58

My DP had this issue too, unfortunately there was nothing he could do. He tried talking to her, her parents(who usually ended up with the kids)all to no avail. Her parents totally enabled her to do this but yet would ring my partner saying they were fed up of having the kids all the time and what was HE going to do about itHmm. DP asked them "Why do you think we split? I left her because she was never, ever home with the kids, she left it all to me, I thought by leaving she'd stay home on the nights they're not with me(he works nights), she's just moved her responsibilities from me to you"

It was almost as if they were afraid to say anything to her. DP suggested that he take the kids full-time but they were horrified at the thought(too scared of what people would think of them) so they just let her continue with what she was doing and her father took early retirement and looked after the kids most of the time.

The most annoying thing was, if we asked for the kids over and above the agreement, we were mostly always told no..then she'd leave them out with her parentsAngry. The kids barely even mention her when they are here, very very rarely. Maybe the people she's always leaving the kids with will get fed-up and she'll have to look after them?

TheTroutofNoCraic · 20/11/2017 13:58

That would be a deal breaker for me. I'm a teacher and have seen first hand a similar situation (Mum with drink problem, new boyfriend, bedsharing) leading to sexual abuse.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:01

we have openly asked the mother for her full time. The point isn't about babysitters someone suggested having her every weekend thats where that came from i simply dont think that is a solution to how her mother is its simply a solution to her mothers social life of course the childs needs are most important ive said in many of my replies we would prefer her full time but the mother wont agree or agree for her to go to our local school but we dont have thousands to fight her in court she has made it clear she would make it hell to fight her and make up accusations etc. I never said she isn't been fed properly i said she lives of takeaway and snacks as in junk food an unhealthy diet anything simple so she doesn't have to cook for her the problem is shes an unwell child and a healthy diet is very important.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:02

Lovemusic33 - You don't have to have a solicitor ? As we looked into it and it was £250 just for a letter to be sent to her

OP posts:
DukesofHazzard · 20/11/2017 14:03

Wolfiefan

Wolfie - bore off will you?

Nothing about the actual child and what's best for her
Total lies, from what I've read, it's all about the child.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:04

Thats part of the problem... we offer to keep her the extra nights so shes not passed about but she refuses (money related ) then passes her to someone else - WHY !!!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread