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Original poster

MOTHER NEVER HAS HER CHILD WHAT CAN WE DO

156 replies

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 12:58

My partner has a 6 year old with his ex and we have her 50/50 (but have her more ) we have lived together for 4 years. We have her Thursday- Sunday week one Tuesday - Friday week 2. The problem is tues-fri where she has to have her fri and sat night she never has her. So she wont have her in the week or at the weekend. We always find out shes slept at someones house but its not grandparents its young cousins babysitting or sleeping at friends houses anyone who will have her rally as shes very social and drinks a lot. She will take her to the pub and have someone else take her home so she can stay out all night. Shes been passed from pillar to post. what can we do ? It blows my brains how she cant plan her social life around when she doesn't have her. She gets much more spare time then most separated parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:26

catkind -

pretty much nailed it... with regards to bed time and going out that really isn't an issue we don't have the need to go out i think that's been blown out of proportion. I just voiced my opinion on poople thinking we should have her when the mum doesn't want her as i don't think that's a solution. We have logged most stuff but shes clever in messages she will out flat deny it or lie about it as she knows we are recording things then it will blow up when it comes to dropping her off with her mum. she admitted to his face about the sleeping but said it wouldn't happen again as they split up but now they are back together... she lies and says the child sleeps in her own bed but we know she dosnt as she tells us.

OP posts:
hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:27

And I particularly took issue with you referring to your children as 'the problem'.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:28

RockyBayEve - brill thanks we will try that x

OP posts:

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Millybingbong · 20/11/2017 14:29

You are a mass of contradictions OP. And you are clearly rowing back from when you suggested you wanted child free evenings and therefore didnt want her every weekend/night.

You clearly came to bitch about the mother and not actually because you are worried about the child.

poor child.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:30

Presumably your step daughter sleeps in her own bed when with you, so why not have a little chat with her yourself and tell her that she's a big girl now and should be sleeping in her own bed when at her Mum's. Or have her Dad have the conversation if it would be taken in better by her.

RockyBayEve · 20/11/2017 14:30

Youre welcome OP

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:31

hiddley - i havnt refferedto my children as them been the problem you fool !!! she is the problem not one of our kids dont imply that we dont want them as thats very much not the case why would i come on here for a advise.. do you know many dads that have their kids more then the mothers take their kids during every school holidays attend every play every parents evening every doctors appointment take them on holidays twice a year ! yes there is some but most have weekend access and that's it or one night a week or every other weekend like my kids dad and very little other involvement so don't imply the kids arent priority as the kids are very much our priority everything we do is for them !!

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Eltonjohnssyrup · 20/11/2017 14:31

Actually lemonaisse the Mumsnet hive mind generally tells mothers exactly the same thing - that when the other parent has their child as long as they are safe and cared for it isn't the mother's place to dictate how they parent.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:33

hiddley - we have had the bedtime chat many times with her. she says its because her mums tv is broken and took hers from her bedroom instead of replacing it (despite having thousands from the house sale when they split ) although she dosnt go to bed with the tv on at our house but always has at her mums.. and she has an attic bedroom which she is scared of but her mum wont swap ! she knows she should be sleeping in her own bed at her mums and why but she also tells us the mum wants her to sleep with her (we are assuming shes selfish and doesn't want to sleep on her own when the bf isn't there )

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hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:34

Well perhaps don't refer to them as 'the problem' if that's the case. And don't call me a fool. Because I have a rather extensive repertoire of words I could call you right now.

diddl · 20/11/2017 14:34

" I just voiced my opinion on poople thinking we should have her when the mum doesn't want her as i don't think that's a solution. "

So do you think that she is being left with people who can care for her or not?

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:34

Millybingbong - why don't u fuck off with your bullshit assumptions.. if you dont have any actual advise then scroll past

OP posts:
CupofFrothyCoffee · 20/11/2017 14:35

Wow, I see the nasty evil step-mother haters are out in force on this threadGrin. OP, hang tight, she sounds like a night-mare but apart from going to court there's little you can do. Sometimes there's just no reasoning with this type of person(think there's a few on hereWink).

hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:35

Maybe buy her a tv for her room from Santa for Christmas then.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:36

diddl - we dont know thats the point we dont know who shes been left with the child will tell us names we dont know and the mother refuses to say who they are we usually dont know about it until the child tells us after the event. how can we stop that ?

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Lemonnaise · 20/11/2017 14:37

Actually lemonaisse the Mumsnet hive mind generally tells mothers exactly the same thing - that when the other parent has their child as long as they are safe and cared for it isn't the mother's place to dictate how they parent

You've obviously not read the same threads I have then.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:38

Why would you want to stop it? If she's being babysat and is fine, what's the fucking problem?

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:39

hiddley - she has one at our house im certainly not going to buy her one for her mums when shes had thousands from us and took the childs tv from her for herself shes had 4 xmas's to get her one thats not our responsibility .. its like giving her gas money for heating coz she saves the money for beer hats not solving the problem thats just making her take the piss more and it isnt going to make her put her child 1st. if we asked for fuel money we would be the worlds worst (not that we would ) but its like saying that

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Olivetappas · 20/11/2017 14:39

Op ideally what is it that you want ? I mean what is your ideal outcome ?
For daughter to be with you and dad on permanent basis so

  1. She is safe and well
  2. stable life
3.mum can have her on set times and stick to them times
  1. You and dad can arrange time for yourself and have a break that you both deserve.
hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:39

Why won't your own parents help you out and give you a night or two off? Or maybe inlaws or friends? This seems to be your major problem.

Lemonnaise · 20/11/2017 14:40

You are a mass of contradictions OP. And you are clearly rowing back from when you suggested you wanted child free evenings and therefore didnt want her every weekend/night

What's wrong with wanting a child-free night occasionally Confused. Oh wait are you one of these people that have never spent a night without your kids . You seem to have missed the bits about the childrens actual mother never being with her own children.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:41

CupofFrothyCoffee - oh yeah ... if only they new the half of what she has done i'm not bothered i simply am trying to resolve the situation we have been in for years o bring some routine to the poor child's life. Sick of seeing her ill and going round in circles with the mother.

OP posts:
hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:41

A minute ago you said she didn't have a tv at your house. Now she has.
There certainly is a liar on here. And I suspect it ain't the mother.

Original poster
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:41

Olivetappas Mon 20-Nov-17 14:39:33
Op ideally what is it that you want ? I mean what is your ideal outcome ?
For daughter to be with you and dad on permanent basis so

  1. She is safe and well
  2. stable life
3.mum can have her on set times and stick to them times
  1. You and dad can arrange time for yourself and have a break that you both deserve.

THATS IS EXACTLY IT !!THANKYOU SOMEONE IS READING CORRECTLY X

OP posts:
idea888 · 20/11/2017 14:42

What does your partner think? It's surely him rather than you who is able to change things, so he needs to have a clear idea of what he objects to and how to go ahead - i.e. is he able to talk things over with his ex and suggest some changes, or is the only route to go through official channels?

Could you change the days - maybe the mother has her Saturday to Monday instead of Friday to Sunday, so that she has Friday night free? I can see it's not really fair that you fit around her social life & it is hard to lose a child-free night, but maybe you are going to have to put up with unfairness to ensure the safety and wellbeing of your stepdaughter.

Tbh I would be very concerned about a 6 year old child sleeping in the same bed as her mum's boyfriend. Is there no way she could put a mattress down somewhere else? Even the same room is better than the same bed. Has your dp tried to speak to her about this?

You could try going to a Citizens Advice Bureau to see what options they can suggest.