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Parenting

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MOTHER NEVER HAS HER CHILD WHAT CAN WE DO

156 replies

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 12:58

My partner has a 6 year old with his ex and we have her 50/50 (but have her more ) we have lived together for 4 years. We have her Thursday- Sunday week one Tuesday - Friday week 2. The problem is tues-fri where she has to have her fri and sat night she never has her. So she wont have her in the week or at the weekend. We always find out shes slept at someones house but its not grandparents its young cousins babysitting or sleeping at friends houses anyone who will have her rally as shes very social and drinks a lot. She will take her to the pub and have someone else take her home so she can stay out all night. Shes been passed from pillar to post. what can we do ? It blows my brains how she cant plan her social life around when she doesn't have her. She gets much more spare time then most separated parents.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/11/2017 14:06

So is the annoyance that you get weekdays off from her?

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:07

The problem is shes a persistent lair. We cant prove anything. Social services would call before coming out so she would put something in the oven turn on the heating make a cup of tea and pretend to be the doting mum it wouldn't prove or solve anything just make us look like we are trying to make things difficult.

OP posts:
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:07

diddl - i dont follow ?

OP posts:

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Olivetappas · 20/11/2017 14:09

Op has clearly stated they would prefer full custody...
it is not wrong for a woman to want nor need a break!
nor is it wrong for a woman to be frustrated with mum who does not take her responsibilities as a parent seriously and will not do what is in the best interest for her own daughter and is having best of both worlds

Op ur doing brilliant ur taking on somebody else's child when it is not ur responsibility to do so, your entitled to a break! ... although right now I don't think ur gonna get that and I don't believe that's ur main concern.
I think u and dad need to have a sit down and a long talk about what action to take as daughter wellbeing seems to be neglected with mum

DukesofHazzard · 20/11/2017 14:09

Sarajandb

Yes it's very frustrating, we had it this weekend AGAIN. Not DPs weekend but he knew she was working all day and going out Saturday night so asked if he could have them - the answer was no with a patronising "maybe next time" It's a different story altogether if DP has to work and she decides on a whim that he should have them and he explains he can't ....all fecking hell breaks loose.

DukesofHazzard · 20/11/2017 14:10

So is the annoyance that you get weekdays off from her?

Really? That's what you got from this thread? Bloody hell....

Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 14:11

The problem is she's a persistent liar.
No. The problem is that this child is being neglected.

diddl · 20/11/2017 14:11

You do get time when she is at her mum's-but not at the weekend?

So, the mother doesn't want her father to have her full time, doesn't want her at weekends, you/her father don't want to have her every weekend...

Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 14:13

Careful diddl you'll be being told to "bore off" too!
All you have said is that you're fed up with how this affects you. Real actual concerns? Report and take to court. Not moan about how the mother gets time off and you don't. Poor kid.

catkind · 20/11/2017 14:14

OK, so let's see if I've got this:

You currently have DSD half the week, so reluctant to get babysitters as that would eat into your limited time with her. (When does she go to bed? Couldn't you just go out later?)

In theory mum has her half the week. In fact she's palming her off on randoms when she has her particularly Friday and Saturday nights.

You have several other concerns about her parenting. Some not really enough to do anything about - sandwiches for tea isn't brilliant, but if she's having school lunches it's not that bad either. You think her house is kept too cold and it's contributing to illness (evidence?). Sharing a bed with new boyfriend sounds like the clearest concern to me.

You don't fancy offering to swap days so you always have weekends, and that would only improve the babysitting aspect.

What I'd do:
Start logging stuff. Log who's looked after her when. Log when she reports sleeping in bed with the boyfriend. Log when she's ill and if she says she was cold. Get ducks in a row so that either she will be encouraged to sort things out a bit, or you will be in a good position to get arrangements changed to give you full or near full residence.

I would email mum to say that you don't think bed sharing with boyfriend is appropriate, and also email concern each and every time DSD is babysat by someone you don't consider appropriate. So it's in writing, and she may respond in writing too. If she emails back that she thinks bed sharing is OK, you could raise that as a concern with someone professional e.g. school nursing service or HV team responsible for 5-18, even Social Services or GP and see what they think.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:15

This child sounds rather the inconvenience to all of your social lives, despite whatever other reasons you are giving. That's what I'm reading anyway. You don't get 'a child free night'? Lol. You're a parent. Most of us don't. The mother gets child free nights as she has more support.
Maybe pay for a babysitter yourselves so you get your precious 'child free nights'.

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:16

Olivetappas - thank you.. my concern isnt a break ive said above we have my own two children every day and night anyways but as you say every mum wants a break theres having a break one night every now and then for example it is my birthday this week and we planned an overnight stay (once in a blue moon thing ) purely for some relaxation and unwinding we both have demanding jobs also. Despite we had all the children this weekend just gone she wants to go to Newcastle so doesn't want the child ( her weekend ) so now i have to loose my one night off in i cant remember how long my birthday treat all paid for coz she wants to go on the piss in newcastle - i would rather cancel so shes not passed about but it just seems so unfair. If we had her we could have planned for her to have sleepover at his mums no drama.

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 20/11/2017 14:16

I expect like a lot of ex partners, she says she will fight tooth and nail but when it comes to it, really won't.

You could try mediation but I would look to the formal court option here - show that you want to take your DSD full time. It may cost a lot less than you think and regardless, everyone will know where they stand.

hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:16

Oh, the one thing I would not agree with however is bed sharing with an adult male. But you know co-sleeping blah blah.

diddl · 20/11/2017 14:16

"Careful diddl you'll be being told to "bore off" too!"
Grin

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:19

hiddley - clearly u havn't read all the posts then ffs we don't even go out usually !! what do u mean the mother gets more support ! so let me get this right a mother needs a night out and a break (wish i got one with my kids ) but its not ok for a das who has his child more then the mother to need a break also.. difference is when we want a bit of time is mainly to de stress and relax not so we can go out on the piss as it apparently is coming across. i have already make the point we dont want a babysitter when shes only there half the week we would rather have her full time... maybe you should read all my comments.

OP posts:
hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:20

Well just ask her grandmother to take her for the night now surely?

Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 14:20

Still all about how it's an inconvenience for you rather than what's best for the child.

Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:20

hiddley - we don't agree her dad went mental when she told us but the mother lies what can he do go in and check ever night he has no right to do so. shes a loose cannon also and she will fly at him in front of the child so we have to be careful how we handle situations not to have bad situations in front of the child.

OP posts:
Sarajandb · 20/11/2017 14:22

SanFranBear - thank you we will look into this. we thought applying for full custody would mean we are wanting her not to see her child at all which would look bad on his part.

OP posts:
Lemonnaise · 20/11/2017 14:23

You don't get 'a child free night'? Lol. You're a parent

Just the crappy deadbeat mother then? I'm so sick of people defending deadbeat parents on here. If this was a mother posting about how a useless father got the kids for the weekend but ditched them to go off drinking, it'd be a different story..the double standards are laughable.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 20/11/2017 14:24

So basically this is less about the child's welfare and more about you making moral judgements about how you think other women should parent? Her mother prefers her house at a different temperature to you and eats a different diet. Her mother has made a decision that whatever the sleeping arrangements are they are safe for her daughter. Her mother uses babysitters (like most parents). I think you need to take a step back a bit and realise that you don't get to dictate what goes on in her house. You say she's not neglected and that's the be all and end all really. How do you think you would feel if you had another woman breathing down your neck all the time criticising your parenting?

hiddley · 20/11/2017 14:24

Op I read the following, and I quote, directly from the horses mouth:

"The problem is my boys are home all week and go to their dads 3 Saturday nights out of the month. If we have his daughter every weekend then we don't get a child free night at all. We don't have babysitters or anything like that."

Yet you mention on several occasions that the mother goes out frequently and has babysitters and grandparents on call to support her.

So don't tell me that I haven't read your posts. I have.

Lemonnaise · 20/11/2017 14:25

Sounds like an awful lot of spiteful mothers are on here...they must stalk the pages, saddos.

RockyBayEve · 20/11/2017 14:26

Your DP needs to get a diary and for the next 3-6 months record the time spent with you.
He also needs to keep records or all calls and texts regarding the child.
Then when he has clear evidence that the child mostly resides with him he applys for residency.
When he gets residency he can apply to HMRC for the child benefit.
If he has trouble funding the court process look up Families need Fathers for advice.
HTH
Good Luck

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