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Does anybody regret becoming a parent?

155 replies

Bella8 · 15/11/2017 15:05

Dare I ask this but does anybody regret becoming a parent and wish they'd never had kids? Obviously you love your DC and would never ever not want them but do you miss your old life? Are people without children happier than people with them?

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Bella8 · 19/11/2017 11:43

Piewraith Congratulations on your pregnancy. The truth is your baby could be an angel baby and one of the ones that sleeps all of the time and is no bother. You really can't predict how it is going to go. Please stay optimistic as once you look into your little ones eyes you will feel the most overwhelming surge of love and euphoria. Yes there may be days where you miss your old life or moments where it newcomers overwhelming to the point you do question things. Things do get better though and it becomes worth it. I'm just starting to realise that now DS is 8.5months old and tonne honest I don't know what I'd do without him x

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Bella8 · 19/11/2017 11:43

becomes*

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Bella8 · 19/11/2017 11:44

to be*

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Bella8 · 19/11/2017 11:50

Also the saying 'we don't regret the things we've done more than the things we don't do' comes to mind....I would have regretted not having kids way more than having them.

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TuftedLadyGrotto · 19/11/2017 11:57

I do, and mine are 5 and 8. It has got easier than when they were babies, but there are new challenges.

I really regret having a second and it was my idea. Dd (5) has been hard work since she was a baby. She still has huge meltdowns, constantly wants to be with. E, won't go to sleep alone, won't go upstairs alone. I've never been so challenged so much by another human being. She's stubborn and loud. I actually often feel ds is worse off with a sibling because of all the disruption she causes.

I just miss my life, I don't rally know who I am anymore. I could have retrained, I could have an actual career, I could have travelled more. I'm a bit stuck now because of needing to earn a certain amount, being g part time etc.

Also I'm a terrible mother. I shout, I'd rather be on here having a discussion about feminism, then doing sodding craft. It'd be better for them to be honest.

TuftedLadyGrotto · 19/11/2017 11:58

They are going through a phase of constantly bickering which makes me want to run away.

KaliforniaDreamz · 19/11/2017 12:02

Mine are older now and i have felt like this in the past. hang in there it really does get easier xxxxx

Bella8 · 19/11/2017 12:09

Aww poor you TuftedLadyGrotto. DS is my first and only at the moment, he's 8.5months and has been a very difficult baby so I can relate. I sometimes think it's easier to have a second when you've had the difficult baby first time around as nothing to disrupt so to speak and maybe if anything a welcomed distraction for child number one. However you've had the difficult baby second which sounds much tougher. They are bickering now but hopefully they will becomes the best of friends when they get abit older and hopefully then things will get easier for you. You never know when Dd gets alittle older she may change for the better. It sounds like at the moment she requires a great deal of attention. Do you have anyone who can babysit and let you get some time out?

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Lookingforadvice123 · 19/11/2017 20:06

Not at all. I have one DS, 22 months, and except for the first couple of weeks of sleep deprivation hell, he’s brought so much happiness and love to my life.

He’s a dream baby though. Slept through from 10 weeks and on average 11-12 hours a night, very few bad nights. Naps well. His personality is lovely, he’s so happy and chilled, even his toddler tantrums aren’t THAT bad (yet!).

DH and I have support from both grandmothers, I went back to work four days whilst only paying for nursery for one day a week so we’ve not had a huge reduction in income. We are able to do a lot of things we want eg go to weddings away thanks to supportive grandmothers. In reality though I love nothing more than spending all my time with DS and DH.

If my next doesn’t sleep and is a nightmare baby I imagine I’ll regret having a second though Wink

Bella8 · 19/11/2017 20:16

Lucky you Lookingforadvice123 I'd imagine lots of Mums including me are incredibly jealous of you! I have heard most who have dream babies first go on to have difficult babies second! Hope that isn't the case for you. Do you really want to risk spoiling a good thing haha !?! I've had the difficult baby first so I'm hoping the second one may be a dream baby if I'm not too traumatised to try after this experience. Also we have absolutely shit grandparents who estranged themselves and no baby sitters!

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Bella8 · 19/11/2017 20:17

Oh and me and DH never get to go
out or do anything due to the no child care. Financially we've taken a massive hit and have lost my full time wage and had no help financially for anything.

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KaliforniaDreamz · 19/11/2017 20:26

And to Middleaged i am so so sorry for your loss xx

Unescorted · 19/11/2017 20:34

Parenting hasn't been all plain sailing. Sleepless nights, mess everywhere, tears over homework The works,but they are are amazing. Both teenaged and I can honestly say it is a huge privilege to have them in my life. I didn't want children but I am so glad I did. I love watching them follow their dreams and work out what makes them unique and capitalise on that.

SilverUnicorn · 19/11/2017 20:53

I don’t regret becoming a parent but I’m not enjoying the newborn stage/maternity leave half as much as I thought I would. I get really lonely and find myself waiting for my DH to come home so I can have some me time. I find tasks like feeding and nappy changing monotonous. I get bored of going the shops or for walks but struggle to think of stuff that doesn’t make me anxious! I do go to baby groups and visit family though. I think I’ve lost myself a bit, like I’m sure a lot of us have. Saying all that the thought of leaving my DS and going back to Work next year terrifies me!

Swirlingasong · 19/11/2017 21:01

Bella, I found 8 months really, really hard with both of mine - neither slept at all, at that age there is still lots of milk feeding to do but also lots of solid food being thrown around that needs cleaning, they were crawling so just wanted to be on the move, but of course you can't exactly just let them crawl round Tesco or Costa so all the 'put them in the pram and go out for some sanity' places were suddenly nigh on impossible as they just screamed to be moving. It was awful. Things honestly got so, so much better at around a year once they were starting to walk and talk. Hang in there.

I know I sound like a mn cliche here, but one thing that really helped me was doing some baby signing. Find a class, or just learn a few signs online or from Mr tumble. Food, drink and more are great signs to start with as the baby tends to be sitting still in a high chair. If you are consistent they pick it up pretty quickly. I found it reduced frustration for both of us and I felt I was learning things too.

Also, the outside support you have makes a massive difference. I, like you, have none and it is hard, hard work. I am several years down the line now and look at parents who have always had a granny on hand - to babysit every now and then or help out when kids are sick off school, or even just keep them company for the afternoon and make them a cup of tea - and I just think they don't know they're alive. It's not just the actual 'time off' it's the mental stress of knowing you don't have that safety net if something happens. Never underestimate how hard it is without support or beat yourself up for finding it hard.

Finally, don't be scared by people telling stories of the terrible twos. I remember thinking 'gosh this is hard and apparently it will get even harder -
argh'. I absolutely loved having toddlers. Yes, they are hard work, but they are also hilarious, fascinating and they Do Stuff. Good luck.

Bella8 · 19/11/2017 21:25

Aww thank you Swirlingasong for your lovely and kind post. It is so difficult to not have support isn't it and you're right not to underestimate just how hard that can be. Before said grandparents estranged themselves I found myself running around 2 weeks post partum after being in hospital for a week with a extremely poorly baby and only having been home for a week making them cups of tea and running around after people. When I look back I see just how rubbish they were and I won't miss them in my life. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve such toxic relatives; their behaviour has been unbelievable since DS was born. I never thought they'd be outstanding but didn't expect them to be quite so poor and now completely estranged.
I always think but there's others in the same boat but you're right it doesn't take away the difficulty of my own situation. I've heard of people complaining about toddlers but have to admit i can't wait for that age as have found the baby stage incredibly challenging. At the same time I feel so guilty for wishing away DS's babyhood. I just want to be able to communicate better within DS as to what he wants. The baby signing sounds amazing and I will look into that; thank you for the tip.
No two days are the same and some days are better than others. I wish I could enjoy my maternity but it's been a real struggle and nothing like I imagined. The worst thing is I go around with a smile on my face, dressed, makeup on and nobody would know. Underneath I'm just trying to get through each day and hoping I'm doing everything right for my beautiful baby boy.

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applesareredandgreen · 19/11/2017 21:25

Everybody's life experiences are different, but yes for me the first year or so were the hardest. I loved the age 3-4 pre school stage. It gets easier when they are school age - then you may have teenage challenges to deal with - but I say maybe as mine hasn't been too bad at all (touch wood!)

Chosenbyyou · 20/11/2017 06:56

Silver - I completely agree with you! I thought maternity leve would be great but both times I have struggled with the baby stages.

The second time though my saviour has been my toddler - much more fun to hang about with and we just take the baby with us!

I always said I would swap a month of maternity leave 0-1 for a day 1-2 lol!

My second baby is 7.5 months and a much easier baby but the sleep deprivation is once again killing me and I find the constant routine dull. I go to bed by 9 every night so have lost my evenings.

Bella - I always find it amazing when I see friends have been away for the night or abroad when they have young children. How amazing would that be!! We have some help but not with the baby as GPs won't have him (too hard which I respect so dont ask) and the other one only for an hour or so. They have 'done their time' which I understand to be fair.

We will get there! X

Metalhead · 20/11/2017 09:38

I don’t regret having my kids as such as I love them very much, but I’d happily let someone else do most of the parenting if I could!

As it is, DD1 (7.5) is at school and DD2 (2) goes to nursery 3 days a week as I work part time, but if it was practical and I didn’t feel too guilty about it I’d love to put her in for the other 2 days as well... I quite often look forward to Monday mornings when I can go back to work and have some peace and quiet, even though I don’t particularly like my job!

Swirlingasong · 20/11/2017 09:52

Sorry to hear about the grandparents, op. That sounds hard. Ours are fine, just a long way away and elderly. I think everybody at some time has walked around looking fine and feeling awful with young children. You need to find some groups and just be brave and honest with other mums. I think you will be surprised that generally once one person admits everything is not rosy, it tends to open the floodgates and you find that actually you are pretty normal. Have you tried your local churches? I found the church toddler groups the most welcoming and supportive and full of down to earth parents who all admit they are there for the tea and an hour's break. Very little religion involved and no one cares or asks if you go to church. Much harder to actually make friends at paid for baby classes as its all teacher-led and encouraging you to interact with your child (obviously not a bad thing!) rather than other parents. Don't worry too much about routine either. It was completely normal at the groups I went to for a baby to nap their way through the group in a pushchair every week while their mum drank tea, chatted and held other babies so a mum could go to the loo on her own!

Bella8 · 20/11/2017 11:44

Thanks Swirlingasong I've been to acouple of groups when DS was younger but they ended up being too much hassle and not enjoyable, they were on other side of town and DS was a catnapper that got over stimulated easily so they were too much stress and it was a lengthy awkward journey. Now he's little older and a better daytime sleeper I had a look alittle while ago and there's none really available in the area for his age range at the moment. However I did find one I can take him to a one soon as it's for babies 9-12 months. I do hope it's in the afternoon though because morning is no good as he has his first nap then.

The friends I have don't have any kids and I find they don't understand even though they think they do. I find I don't see them that much due to the latter. They can be quite selfish and often being late or landing down on me in the evening when I'm trying to settle DS for bed for the night; he gets upset people in house at this time who aren't me or DH. I haven't time to run around after them entertaining when I'm trying to deal work DS and it throws DS off his whole schedule and he has a melt down. Then they wonder why and I'm the one left picking up the pieces. It causes a very grumpy baby whose nighttime sleep will be even worse due to this. Therefore it's easier not to see them much.

I find things so restricting having to be home for the two naps and will be pleased when it drops to one (i realise this isn't for ages.)
Can't wait for first year to be over to be honest...

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Bella8 · 20/11/2017 11:45

with*

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Bella8 · 20/11/2017 11:47

I haven't looked into churches but I will. There's one around corner; I'm not at all religious though but if you say that's okay I'll check it out thanks

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RidingMyBike · 20/11/2017 12:43

The church groups are well worth looking for and almost literally saved my life when DD was a baby - I had just been diagnosed with PND and staggered to the group near me and cried my eyes out on someone there! They seem to attract a different crowd to the baby classes - I found lots of friendly people, whereas the baby classes seemed to be more competitive parenting. Don’t worry if it says ‘toddler group’ etc, they all seem to have somewhere for mums with babies to be as well, plus the toddler mums are usually very good at bringing tea over to the baby mums or holding babies whilst you go to the loo! They are also cheap - usually a £1-2 donation and you get gallons of tea, biscuits and cake!

I took DD to morning church toddler groups and she napped there - if she was awake when we got there I’d transfer her from the pram to a sling and she’d nap on me for the whole session whilst I drank tea and chatted. I tried to be at home for the afternoon nap, but staying at home for both naps would have meant I never went anywhere and consequently would have gone totally mad!

Nomoresugar · 20/11/2017 14:16

I dont think I regret DD, I just wish i had her in a different set of circumstances.

-money saved
-roof over head
-completed my degree
-a well paying career
-had a decent partner
-had a reliable support network

I'd love to have 2 more but I'm poor. If only I'd won the lottery.