Parenting without punishment

[pinkliquorice]

In general mumsnet seems quite punishment happy and this approach seems to be heavily criticised.
Just wanted to start a thread for other parents to share their tips and experiences with not punishing.

Anyone else against punishments?
Anyone wanting to try it?

'pinching us mean a day hurts'
'don't care, she called me names'
'she may not want to play with you'
By then it's descended intto more hitting etc.
The time fir explanation is not during the event they aren't listening when they're fighting

So your toddler who won’t get dressed needs a different approach to a ten year old who won’t get dressed.

When my two year old won’t put his winter kit on, we gently but firmly shove him into it while telling him it’s cold out (-30 last winter.) a ten year old I’d expect more to be able to reason with, but a toddler doesn’t always have the capacity to understand certain things.

In he uk, my natural consequence would be ‘ok no coat you’ll be cold’ but ofc I can’t do that here because no snowsuit at -30 is frostbite territory.

I think what this shows as well is that child behaviour is something you work on HARD from the start. Gently, in our case, but god it’s hard work.

If you’ve got parents who never correct (and correction is not always punishment) and a ten year old who is dragging people by the hair then something has gone really wrong over a number of years (assuming no additional needs or diagnoses ofc, I’m taking about average kids.)

How would the type of parenting you describe, OP, deal with a toddler who constantly shouts 'I don't want to!!!' when asked to do anything? I don't want to always have to threaten or bribe, but it is often the only way to get her out the house/in her highchair/nappy changed etc.

There might be a reason she doesn’t want her coat on. A friend’s child hated the feeling and warmth of a coat (no issues, just hated the fabric). So she went out in other layers and no coat. When she tried going outside to play in the snow one winter she ran back in and asked for a coat and has worn one when she has felt the need since.

My husband hates long sleeves. His mother would force him into a coat that would make him so hot he would feel sick. Not sure what that achieved. She’d have been better off letting him choose . You can apply that to all sorts of scenarios.

I too use this method. Are you using Alfie Kohns ideas?

For people asking about natural consequences for a thrown toy, I would talk to the child and explain why we mustn't throw toys. I'd look for a reason why the toy was being thrown and see if I can address it at the root cause too (e.g. Boredom, frustration, needing space etc). If nothing was working and the toy was still being thrown then I'd say, sorry I have to take this away for a while as I'm afraid it's going to hurt X.

ShovingLeopard

trouble is... (said slightly shamefully... but with honesty)

we parents of kids that behave without punishing (lucky, lucky parents I know!!!) can't actually conceive of the situation where a child repeatedly shouts "I don't want to" - it simply doesn't happen in our house so we have never had to form a strategy to deal with it...

My strategies work on my kids because my kids are fairly biddable..

ShovingLeopard, DS is autistic spectrum and it was bloody trying but I believed there had to be a better way than 'punishment'.

DD was easy in comparison and I have found her more challenging in the teen years than DS, who is now all about the rules - which he absolutely was not as a toddler. However, even when DD is pushing the boundaries now, I'd always rather talk it out with her than punish her and help her to chose the right course of action.

You can't apply it to frostbite scenarios though. You just have to fir e them I to the coat or snowsuit. The natural consequence of having bits of you fall off would not be nice

f my children are misbehaving we talk about it and I teach them to stop, I don’t take away WiFi or put them on the naughty step because them they are only behaving in order to be allowed WiFi or to get of the naughty step, I don’t see how that can work on the long run

I agree that you want to teach a child to behave because they know it's the correct thing to do, rather than avoiding punishment. Ideally. But you need a balance. Sometimes you NEED them to behave NOW and there isn't time for discussion about natural consequences. Or naturally consequence is imminent and is highly dangerous.

But mostly, sometimes they don't give a Danny about the natural consequence, particularly if the child is young and the natural consequences disadvantages/upsets/hurts someone other than themselves

I've got a couple of friends who don't 'punish' their children. It's not much fun spending time with children who are never corrected.

I know a few like that as well... never heard no in their lives. You can correct kids and guide them without harsh punishments.

I don’t think there’s a one size fits all approach.

Let them go out when it’s -30 for a couple of minutes. They’ll be begging for a coat!

Shoving take her out without a coat on, but take it with you. When she gets cold, she'll want the coat on. DD pretty much only takes a coat to school, because they won't let her go outside without one on cold days. She was at the Snow Dome last week, and said she felt "a little bit chilly" at -8! 😂

It's very hard when they start school and hear no fir the first time.
My teacher friends say the worst behaved kids are often those with very liberal parents and no boundaries. They're often over tired through no bed time and it adversely affects the behaviour in school. When they talk to the parents about the behaviour /tiredness they say their children are so creative that school bores them.
😂😂😂

beyond, I have 1 biddable child, who I can't actually remember punishing

And 1 very defiant child who opposes everything. I parent her with combination of punishment/ threats/bribery/blackmail/begging. Weirdly , she is the most empathetic, logical, ethical, emotionally intelligent of the 2

2014newme - frostbite and boys falling off is hardly going to happen unless you happen to live in a very harsh climate. Here in the U.K. It's 11/12 degrees and fine for an hour or two without a coat if that's what they want.

I suppose if you tell your child to stop at the kerb and they decide not to, then is the subsequent accident a natural consequence or a punishment? There are times when punishments are appropriate....some things that they must learn by whatever means.

titty 😂 the consequence is no snowbgear no fun in the snow ;)

-30 v dangerous for little uns without good kit. We usually keep ours in if we can below -20. For scuttling to the car it gets complex...

A natural consequence of bad behaviour at school might be that no-one plays with your child any more. Is that fair on your child? We correct behaviour partly to ensure children can socialise. Just saying you can talk them out of everything is fanciful.

2014newme, no boundaries is not the same thing though. That basically means you don't care what your child does and therefore they run riot, desperately trying to see at what point an adult will intervene and show them the way.

@Rotorevolution the pp said it was minus 30 where she lives. So going out not wrapped up isn't an opt for her. We weren't meaning the UK!

Beyond the other day my dd (who is 2.2 )refused to put her shoes and coat on. She stood in the middle of the room, said 'I will not do it' and actually stamped her foot. I said fair enough, no coat and no shoes, but you will have to stay in the buggy because you can't walk about without shoes on. She stayed in the buggy for 3 hours. Including a trip to a toy shop. I said manytimes 'shall we put your shoes on now so you can get out?' and every single time she said 'I will not do it'. She wanted to get out but just refused to put her shoes on! I have never known a more stubborn child! I don't think it would ever have occured to ds to say no,

What @Anatidae says about different ages (and you could say abilities for children who have additional needs) is spot on IMO. My toddler will often kick off at getting dressed. At this age, there's no point in punishing it it would achieve nothing. He's learning, developing independence and pushing boundaries. I distract, play and remove clothes as I go along and repeat until he's dressed. Putting socks on toes becomes part of our game after teddy has worn them etc.

At age 10, if he refused to dress appropriately then the natural consequence/punishment is he doesn't get to go wherever we are going. Don't get dressed? No park/party etc then.

Also I think punishment IS a natural consequence. If you inconvenience someone or hurt them, then they might remove favours/support etc from you

A family is a team and if a team member is being selfish ...if I as their mother has to waste my time tidying their mess up etc, damn straight I am not continuing to pay for and provide tablets, WiFi, outings etc.

I get that for some parents and some children this might not be an option but I do think very few of them have ever actually tried it.
I have 5 children with completely different personalities and I really struggle to image myself ever punishing them, I just can’t imagine how no WiFi or naughty step would ever be helpful. If by late childhood/preteens I couldn’t control them without threats and blackmail I would be concerned there was something wrong and that they were really snuggling with something. My 7 year old is extremely anxious and he can be snappy and rude sometimes but this is because he is anxious and is worried about something he needs me to talk and help him and turning of the WiFi or sending him to his bedroom would be more damaging and make his behaviour worse.
With toddlers if they are too young to understand and know that what they are doing is wrong then they are too young to be punished for it.
It wouldn’t work for us, my chidlren show me respect because I show them respect and they behave because I have taught them to behave not because they want the WiFi to stay on.
By all means parent your children however you see best, I made this thread specifically for parents who don’t punish to share their tips and experiences as the rest of mumsnet already appears very pro punishment

Im really confused of natural and unnatural punishments. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mishappening, I don't know anyone who would let their child be run over - come on.
For mine the fair consequence of not walking beside me on the pavement, was that they were not able to stay safe, so I would have to help them be safe by putting reins on them. I would give a warning and offer them the choice of staying by me or having reins on. If they chose to run off then the reins went on. I only ever had to put the reins on once, for it to work. However, I also rewarded all the times that they did walk well with me. I was looking for the good behaviour wherever possible, not all over them for the bad stuff.