If you have an only child ...

[imaginaryfriend]

... are you planning on having more or sticking with one? And can you explain your reasons to me?

I've got one dd, 4.5, and I probably won't manage to conceive again as I was always told I couldn't in the first place - dd was a complete surprise! But it's now or never for me age-wise to make the decision as to whether or not to even try to have another one.

I'm torn in half by the decision and wondered what you guys think?

I have one dd. One reason I would not consider trying for another at the moment is financial, I an the main earner in our family and the cost of childcare for 2 is HUGE. If I ever have another the age gap may be so big that they won't be playing together anyway. Also if i'm honest, I'm not sure I could handle the lack of sleep all over again, despite all these very pragmatic reasons a little bit of me knows I do want another baby...

I'd love another child, but I have poor health and don't think I could cope with more than dd. Also her birth was traumatic and the thought of doing it again terrifies me. However, I do worry about her when we're old and grey. ATM my sister and I can talk about our parents and share the ups and downs. I hate to think of dd dealing with us alone. However, I jsut have to hope that she has a stable and supportive partner when it counts. She's a;lso very close to her cousin.

Though it's just struck me, we're posting some tales of woe and the bottom line is, some people are happy with just one child. And the child is happy. Doesn't mean they ahve to have some dreadful tragedy behind them. I just don't think there always needs to be an "excuse" for having an only child. That's just the way it is. I also think if I'd really pulled my finger out and got my attitude sorted I could have got through another pregnancy ok, but perhaps the bottom line is that I'm happy with what I've got. I hope that doesn't sound too contradictory.

Not at all Peaches. I think that's my bottom line too. DS makes me feel complete and I can't imagine ever loving another human being as much as I love him.

Same here Twinkle just remembered something too. I have two sisters and when I was growing up I was so jealous of my friend who was an only one cos she didn't have to share her bedroom with her messy sister like I did, didn't have to shout loud to stop herself being ignored (I'm the youngest and loudest) and didn't have to wear v.embarrasing bridesmaid dresses at her sisters weddings (my sisters are quite a bit older than me)

I have one 5yo (birthday last year). She took almost 3 years oof TTC. We did try for #2 but to no avail. I am currently kind of resigned to one child and feel very lucky with the child I have However I have an op this summer which may improve my fertility, but may not also, so you never know.

I'm one of 3 siblings, due to a lot of miscarriages in between we are all 6 years apart, my sister is 12 years older than me. We never connected, I fought with my brother all the time and we only became friends once we were all grownups and married.

I'm personally a loner, so is my husband and he has a brother 2 years younger and they were inseparable as children, so I think i.t.o. personalities it doesn't really matter if you're an only child or have a sibling close in age.

I have one ds 16 months old, he is a charmer and smiler and is friendly with everyone and laughs a lot and is generally happy and do not have any problems fitting in at group activities like tumble tots. If we decide to have another is will be purely based on whether it is beneficial to him, I don't truly want another and dh is not sure, I think the days of adding to population growth has past and it is more based on your own needs as a family.

I feel that I can personally offer him more if he is the only one as I personally needs a lot of space myself, it will be unfair in my mind to have to split that energy between a new baby and a growing toddler.

I think if someone can convince me of the psychological benefits to an only child to have a sibling I might seriously consider having another, otherwise I'm not feeling guilty too often about having only one.

These are such interesting and helpful replies, thanks everyone.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like sticking with one. Because as much as anything going through the heartache and stress of trying to conceive is a nightmare even to begin with.

I have one dd, will only have one dc .... and feel totally blessed and complete. She is our world

This is really interesting. I'm going through a big dilemma about it. I had to have IVF to conceive, and I split with my partner when DS was 17 days old, so I'm a single parent. (We needed donor sperm, and his heart was never really in it, so I wasn't surprised when he said he didn't want to be a father).

My DS is 19 months old, and he is my whole world. I think I would be happy with just him, but I'm always hearing about how kids want siblings. I have one frozen embryo left from my IVF cycle, and I can't decide if/when to use it. (chances of successful pregnancy limited anyway). I'm 39, so time is running out.

If I had a partner, I'd happily use no contraception and leave it in the hands of fate. But going through IVF is a huge undertaking, practically and emotionally. I'm not sure if I can face it, or cope with the distress of failure or the stress of success!

Huge dilemma. It's reassuring to hear that many people have similar dilemmas. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if my DS would want a sibling, or if he'd be happy as an only child.

A crystal ball would be great, Rachel.

To regret, or not to regret!

My story ... if it helps

I got married at 39, got pregnant on honeymoon and had my dd when I was 40 after thinking I'd never get married or have any children. I recently spent 9 months in an absolute quandry over whether to give dd a sibling. I did lots of crying and tying myself in knots.
I would sway this way and that one minute thinking 'yes' and the next 'no'.

In the end I made the decision to stick with just my dd - after receiving very positive feedback from MN about 'only children'. It helped enormously listening to other people. I was terrified that 'only children' were deemed to be always spoilt, selfish and generally unsociable little oiks ! Not so, I received some fab feedback, you could probably retrieve some of the lovely postings.

Anyway, I am very happy with my decision.

I just couldn't imagine sharing my time and love now with another child (and I do know of parents that have favourites out of their children), although I know I would. I worried about dd not having brothers and sisters but there is no guarantee that they'd love or get on with each other. For every set of siblings that are close and stay close throughout their lives, there are plenty who do not, lose touch or just don't like each other.
DD has close cousins who adore her so that makes me happier.
We enjoy quality, totally focussed time together and life is just wonderful. We share very special moments that I think might get lost in the hussle and bussle of having more than one child.
I think deep down I knew the final decision would be to stick at one but I just needed reminding of what I already had.
Having said that, if I was younger (I'm 43 now but look a lot younger apparantly ) I would probably have tried for another - purely based on energy levels.

I hope this helps in some small way

I have my dd who is now five, I am an only child myself , I too had trouble conceiving and am now 37 and just think if it happens it happens, but I do know what you mean in dd class at school there are now only a couple of us without another child , if it happens it happens I think for me , its meant to be, or fate if you believe in that... the other thing was I was very ill through out my pregnancy with sickness and had to be stabilised for 2 months in hospital due to severe sickness and that worries me a great deal as it would be so difficult to go through that again.

The other thing is my parents had me in their late thirties and are now fairly eldery and my mum is in very poor health and I do feel a huge amount of worry for them and how I will manage to juggle if I need to help care for them , so I do sometimes wish I had siblings myself on that side, and would not want my dd to have that worry on her shoulders.

Agree with curlysmum here. It's not so much the childhood worries of wanting a playmate that bother me about my only child, it's more that i'm going to be solely her burden when i'm older. (There are half-siblings but much older and not close,and they will be there for each other when their dad's older, but that won't extend to me when I get to the doddery stage!) The playmate issue IS be a problem, as well though. You can't always provide playmates - and I find it's a lot of effort to keep inviting kids round all the time. Of course, you couldn't force siblings to play together even if they had them! But it's hard for a child to understand that. Also, most of the families we know have more than one, and I find that they tend to be more self-contained, understandably, and less bothered about getting together in the school holidays, for example.
Also, I'd love to know if other parents of onlies find it hard work at times. It mystifies me that other parents of 2+ seem to have more time to themselves than we do. I'd never dare say this to them for fear they'd deny it & say we have it easy! But from what I see of other families, we spend a lot more time as 'unit of 3', and I know some of this is because we wouldn't want our child to feel 'left out', and that's because there's no 'us and them', 'kids vs parents' dynamic with an only.Does anyone know what I mean?

I think I'm geting you unpaidcleaner! We have just the one. There are times when its difficult. Like you say, you want a quite day, but you can't get the kids to just 'play' coz you've only got one. It does get easier when they get older. My dd is 11 now and has started to go out with her mates without parents, so thats nice. The one thing that does bother me is when me & dh want to go out - dd stays at nannies and she doesn't have a sibling with her. So from her point of view, mum & dad are out without her. If she had a sibling, it would be her and brother/sister having fun at nannies whilst M & D are out, but to her it must be, M & D are out and I'm here missing out on what they are doing iyswim?

princesscc, that's exactly it! what you said about not wanting her to feel excluded when we do something without her - so most of the time we do everything together. I was talking to a friend recently (she has 3 kids) and I said we'd like to go to Paris, but wouldn't dream of going without dd, she'd feel so left out!! Friend thought I was mad, but you get what i mean, don't you!

Oh God! I'm sooo there! Yes! How could we possibly go away for the weekend without her. It would kill me! On the other hand -we could leave Daddy behind and go away for the weekend! But seriously, there are things that just daddy and dd do and things that just me and dd do, BUT we very rarely do things just dh & me!

unpaidcleaner and princess - i really know what you mean about spending so much time with the only child, not seeming to have free time, not wanting them to feel excluded or left out as there are just 3, and the problem of trying to find playmates .

I have felt it really hard this easter holidays as could only arrange 2 playdates - DS is 4.

stick with it, it does get easier! I remember really struggling when she was little and I was sooo exhausted, I just wanted to lie down! Now, she is 11 and we have had the best Easter holiday. We've been everywhere and you know what? Its easier with one, because you don't have to make sure the things you do cater for different ages, coz you've only got one!

I feel exactly the same princesscc, unpaidcleaner and karabiner! It's slightly different for me as the dymanic is a two way one rather than three as I'm a single parent. I do so many things with DS that my friends with children wouldn't do, or would do without them, but I'd hate to leave DS behind and most of the time it doesn't even occur to me not to bring him along, we have so much fun together. This weekend we went camping and my boyfrined came along, but it was very much him joinging DS and I on our holiday IYSWIM, rather than DS being the addition...

I do go away without him too though occasionally, but miss him terribly, but he gets to go to his Granny's and be spoilt so he sees it as him going off tohave fun rather than me going off!

I like spending time with DS just the 2 of us and love takinghim to different places. Then at weekends we 3 - DH too- all go out together.

But i worry so much about him having friends to play with and mixing with other children more. He is 3 days a week at all day nursery but I just worry about it so much.

Karabiner (love the name btw) I worry too and sometimes feel so sorry for DS as he just gets on with it and plays alone, but he would give anything to play with other children and immediately approaches other children in parks, at campsites, anywhere in fact, so I try not to worry too much as maybe they are better at making friends? He gets so excited whenever we visit his friends or have them over too. Soon enough they will be spending five days a week at school surrounded by friends so will appreciate the time spent with just mummy (or mummy and daddy). They get the best of both worlds!

thanks climbinrosie

by the way are you into climbing then?! do you go with your DS?

Yes and Yes!

His first climb was at age 2.5, we lowered him down a 50ft sea cliff in Devon and get him to climb back up! He only managed half of it before having to be hauled up the rest!

He's not so keen on the harness and ropes so is more of a boulderer now though...but I take him most places with me and harness him up and tie him to a rope and anchor it on somewhere so he plays safely while I climb!

No walls let him climb yet...something about insurance and having to be 8, so it's only outdoor stuff when the weather is good!

What about you?

sorry for thread hyjack