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Original poster

Does anyone else feel like this about babies grandparents?

120 replies

user1488794856 · 07/08/2017 18:58

My DD is 6 months old, and this afternoon I have found myself in situation with my mil which has made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Little background, me and mil get on ok, not the greatest relationship but it's ok but a little strained at times. I don't have a relationship with my own mum and my dad isn't around, so in terms of grandparenting mil is not treated any differently to my own family, and if anything sees DD more than mine, although this is through their own choice.

So this afternoon at lunch mil picks a moment where dh is otherwise engaged to tell me rather than ask, that she needs alone time with DD and will come up so we can go out for the day/night.

DD is not a good sleeper at night or for naps, and can be somewhat tricky at times. Mil knows this as she has been told many times, but she chooses to ignore it.

I politely smiled and said "maybe, but her sleeping is really difficult for is, therefore probably be best when she is older and can have longer awake times". She basically ignored that, and continued on about having her on her, because she needs "quality time", and told me not to be dismissive of her.

I genuinely wasn't, I just didn't know how to politely say no, because:
1- I'm not ready to be away from her
2- getting mil set up to look after her for a few hours will be more work than help
3-i personally just don't see the need for "alone time" between grandparent and baby. As a baby her needs are so immediate and hard to interpret by someone who doesn't know her I just don't feel that this would make DD happy, and ultimately that's what matters to me. When she is older and can go to the park, make cakes etc then sure, alone time with nanny is fine, but I don't feel it's appropriate for me when she is a tiny baby.

Am I alone in feeling like this? And how do I handle this situation?

OP posts:

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Floralnomad · 07/08/2017 19:01

You don't need to politely find a way to say no , you just say no . You will leave your daughter when you are ready to do so which may be soon , may be never . MIL had her turn at having babies , this one is not hers , she gets no say in what happens .

BluePheasant · 07/08/2017 19:01

YANBU.
She can't demand time with her DGD, it isn't her right, although this situation does crop up quite regularly here so there must be a lot of GPs who believe otherwise.

"That won't work for us at the moment" and repeat until it sinks in.

DoItTooJulia · 07/08/2017 19:05

You (and your DH!) need to tell her that you're not leaving the baby yet.

And repeat until she has got the message.

And remember that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. No matter what she or anyone else says.

Be strong!

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GummyGoddess · 07/08/2017 19:06

I don't want to leave my 10 month old with anyone except his father. It's not weird and I'll get there eventually but I don't want or need a break from him.

OlennasWimple · 07/08/2017 19:06

tell her that you aren't ready to leave your baby yet. It's fine to say that.

What set up does MIL need??

Babies really aren't that difficult unless they have genuine special requirements that MIL won't have come across before.

Don't underestimate how lovely it can be to have some time for you and DH without your DC, though, even if it's an hour at the pub one evening.

Ewanwhosearmy · 07/08/2017 19:06

This is weird and I don't understand it at all. As pp have said, it comes up over and again on MN.

Time alone with grandma when child is 5 years old is fantastic. My DD is 10 and I think this is the first year she isn't having a week with grandma in the school holidays. But 6 months? Not necessary.

Love51 · 07/08/2017 19:07

Interesting that's she's telling you, when dp is busy. Does this mean he knows it isn't ok, and has your back? No need for parents to leave their tiny baby if it doesn't suit them (if they want to / need to for circumstances, fair enough). She can't make this happen. She's the one being rude if she won't accept 'no'.

annandale · 07/08/2017 19:14

Just get massively enthusiastic about how lovely it will be when dd is older and can stay over with nanna.

Often a good trick in these scenarios is to ask her which grandparents her child/children preferred staying over with. This a) sort of changes the subject and b) tells you quite a lot. Maybe your dh was a baby road tripper always with grandparents (in which case you say 'oh Dd will love it so much in a year or two') or it will become quite clear that ithe never happened, or certainly not at 6 months. Maybe she desperately wanted a break and wants to help you? Fine but you still call the shots, don't worry.

Original poster

user1488794856 · 07/08/2017 19:14

In regards to the set up for mil to look after her, I would need to go through with her making bottles, when she needs feeding, how to settle her for a nap, how to settle her for bed...basically although mil has clearly been a mum herself, she seems to have lost all of her instincts and behaves with DD like she is an alien. It's quite difficult to watch although I try to hold back and let her get on with it where I can. An example being she gave DD my thermos of boiling water to play with?!

The reason she approached me when dh was busy is that she knows he will agree with me, as me and dh have always been a team and support each other. Dh feels the same as I do about mil having her alone.

OP posts:

chocatoo · 07/08/2017 19:16

Just say no. If she is blunt enough to tell you then it is fine to be equally blunt in return. Its your child not hers.

Daffodil397 · 07/08/2017 19:22

This would not be ok with me. I was only recently just ok with dd1 aged 18 months staying at her grandparents and that was only because we thought it sensible to prepare her for when our new baby is born and they look after her.
Don't be pushed into this, this is your little baby and it might be a while before you are ready for this! Xx

Original poster

user1488794856 · 07/08/2017 19:36

I'm glad it's not just me, it made me feel like I was being unkind for not letting her have soul responsibility for her at any given time and I just don't feel comfortable with that.

The only person I would really feel comfortable leaving DD with would be a couple of my mum friends, as they see her a couple of times a week, and are in full baby mode as they have children the same age and therefore just "get it"...but even saying that I'm not sure I would ever actually do it. I just don't want her to be away from me.

I feel as though allowing this to happen would be for mil benefit only, DD doesn't want to be away from mum, and would obviously be alot happier if I'm there, and Imo this is what's important. Dh and I have plenty of time to go out together alone when she is older.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2017 19:40

You are not being unreasonable. So, how did the conversation end?

totorosfluffytummy · 07/08/2017 19:43

My DS1 was 10 years old before he was ready to stay with MIL without me or DP.

Be strong, stick to your guns OP x

Original poster

user1488794856 · 07/08/2017 19:44

The
Conversation ended with her giving me an awkward hug and saying" so let me know when" to which I just smiled as I didn't know what else to say. This is basically her mo, no matter what the opinions of others,she will just continue pushing for what she wants in a rather passive aggressive manner.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1488794856 · 07/08/2017 19:48

Another recent example of her behaving in this way would be her texting dh asking to speak to DD on FaceTime when he got home from work. She always wants to speak to her gone 6pm which she knows is bed/bath time but it goes in one ear and out the other.
He replied and said "not tonight, I won't be in till late by which time DD will be tired and cranky and ready for bed", her reply was "I don't mind talking to a cranky baby". No consideration for DD being cranky and needing sleep instead of having a phone in her face, no understanding that dh has been at work all day and would like some time with her himself, the focus is always on her needs, and not DD or ours.

OP posts:

Changerofname987654321 · 07/08/2017 20:41

If she bring it up again just say thank you for the kind offer and I will let you know when DD and I are ready.

My MIL has looked after DD now 15 months for a couple of hours during the day in emergency situations but only now am I accepting of her looking after DD in the future. I would rather she didn't but nursery cant accommodate her hours.

9toenails · 08/08/2017 09:18

6 months is too young. Stick to your guns OP.

I'm a grandparent, and some of my happiest moments in recent years have been while I've been looking after dgc on my own. So I do understand your mil's thoughts in a way. But, you should consider, there are three people involved here: your child, you, your mil. And there is a priority of needs which is necessary for good child rearing: that priority goes

your child
you
your mil

... and you, as the parent, get to decide what's good for your child and for you. Your mil's needs or wishes come a long way after your child's and your own, in all situations involving your child. Your mil maybe can't see that ; but she should, really.

So - tldr if you like - you really should just tell mil you won't be leaving your dd with her, and if mil doesn't like it, too bad. You, the mother, have the first and last word on this; that's what being a parent dictates.

Original poster

user1488794856 · 08/08/2017 09:27

Thank you so much everyone!
I feel so much more confident now that I am doing what's right for DD and not just being unkind to mil. I know it's going to go down like a led balloon, she doesn't like it when she doesn't get her own way and it often takes a while for her to get the message!
Wish me luck!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2017 10:36

Your mother-in-law sounds like a walking migraine inducer. I didn't even leave my kids with my mother overnight when they were 6 months old, and my mum was wonderful with them. I felt they were too little and being home at night was best.

You need to get your husband to deal with this pushy shrew, and feel free to confidently and firmly say NO as many times as needed.

Lou573 · 08/08/2017 10:47

I had one of these mother in laws. I wasn't assertive enough in the beginning as her expectations came as a bit of a surprise, and I feel it has harmed our relationship. A baby is not a toy to be shared amongst adults, it needs its mum and dad and that's it. Plenty of time for babysitting when she's older if she doesn't burn bridges by being too pushy now like my mil has done. Baby has absolutely no interest in spending time with mil, it's all entirely for her own interests, so don't feel guilty!

oeufdepaques · 08/08/2017 10:50

Just keep on repeating 'when she's older it will be lovely!'. My mil started suggesting I leave my dd with her overnight even before she was born. It was so annoying. And from a few weeks onwards she would constantly make comments about how she would be happy to get up in the night to feed dd; if only I wasn't bfing. It got to the stage that I realized she didn't want me around so she could almost play at being a mum again.

In hindsight, it was so irritating but it came from love and a good place; just an absolute need to spend time with her dgd. It was easier for her if I wasn't hanging around and as time went by, it was easier for me too, to leave dd with her whilst I did something else. She still hasn't stayed overnight though and she's 3.

Just be firm and tell her no but perhaps suggest she take her for a walk in the pram or something, while you have a coffee and put your feet up! Then mil can see you're meeting her in the middle.

primaryboodle · 08/08/2017 10:55

Original poster

user1488794856 · 08/08/2017 10:55

Thanks everyone, tbh the whole lunch yesterday was pretty horrible and her behaviour was pretty awful so I had wondered if it had tainted my response, but I know now that I'm just being a normal mum.
The frustration I have is that I know it's for her benefit and not DD, and this is where I draw the line. She has plenty of opportunity to help us when we are all together, but she never ever offers because that's not in her interest. An example being when we go out for lunch I always have to hold DD as she doesn't like sitting in pram, and eat one handed. I don't mind this and I'm totally used to it, but when I'm with fil or sister, they will hold her so I can eat, and even though I tell them they don't have to they will insist as they know it's a one off for them but a daily event for me. Mil will just Chow down...no offer. This is fine, she doesn't have to, but it just shows to me that everything is always done to suit her and not anyone else.
I'm definitely going to put my food down, it just can't happen.

OP posts:

primaryboodle · 08/08/2017 10:57

I felt like this, previous good relationship with MIL was ruined by her incessant need to have my baby dd alone or away from me before I was ready for it.

Say no, you aren't ready to leave her yet. Get dh to be there when you say it to back you up if she starts being funny about it.

For me it could have been the most competent career in the world who wanted her but I was NOT READY to be away from her until much later. It will come but you are under no obligation to put yourself through it before you are ready

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