Does anyone else feel like this about babies grandparents?

[user1488794856]

My DD is 6 months old, and this afternoon I have found myself in situation with my mil which has made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Little background, me and mil get on ok, not the greatest relationship but it's ok but a little strained at times. I don't have a relationship with my own mum and my dad isn't around, so in terms of grandparenting mil is not treated any differently to my own family, and if anything sees DD more than mine, although this is through their own choice.

So this afternoon at lunch mil picks a moment where dh is otherwise engaged to tell me rather than ask, that she needs alone time with DD and will come up so we can go out for the day/night.

DD is not a good sleeper at night or for naps, and can be somewhat tricky at times. Mil knows this as she has been told many times, but she chooses to ignore it.

I politely smiled and said "maybe, but her sleeping is really difficult for is, therefore probably be best when she is older and can have longer awake times". She basically ignored that, and continued on about having her on her, because she needs "quality time", and told me not to be dismissive of her.

I genuinely wasn't, I just didn't know how to politely say no, because:
1- I'm not ready to be away from her
2- getting mil set up to look after her for a few hours will be more work than help
3-i personally just don't see the need for "alone time" between grandparent and baby. As a baby her needs are so immediate and hard to interpret by someone who doesn't know her I just don't feel that this would make DD happy, and ultimately that's what matters to me. When she is older and can go to the park, make cakes etc then sure, alone time with nanny is fine, but I don't feel it's appropriate for me when she is a tiny baby.

Am I alone in feeling like this? And how do I handle this situation?

Wow I just read you haven't even let your daughter be alone with your husband alone for more than an hour in 6 months?

That's pretty unfair on him- you have to relinquish some control at some point OP!

Whether the baby would be fine is beside the point. The OP doesn't want to leave her and that is her prerogative. No one has a right to make her do something that makes her uncomfortable.

Woah I think people have really taken what I have said about dh the wrong way, he is an amazing hands on dad, and I'm not preventing him having alone time with her. If he wanted her for the entire day I woundnt think twice, however we love spending time as a family, so it just hasn't happened.

Woah I think people have really taken what I have said about dh the wrong way, he is an amazing hands on dad, and I'm not preventing him having alone time with her. If he wanted her for the entire day I woundnt think twice, however we love spending time as a family, so it just hasn't happened.

Speaking as a grandmother I never felt this urge to play mummy with my grandchildren, but I was only too happy to look after them when asked. However, I can't see why your MIL can't have the baby for a couple of hours while you go shopping or have your hair cut.

I've got a 2 month old, and she's had alone time with her grandparents weekly from 5 weeks. It allows me and my husband some time alone and to catch up on sleep, and allows them to build their relationship with her. They may be having her overnight at the end of the month, I haven't decided yet.

It was tricky the first time, but I'm so glad I did, because it's win-win for us. But I've got a lot of confidence in my parents ability to look after her, and just let them get on with it. She always returns happy, and it makes us more relaxed.

But everyone is different, and it sounds like you aren't ready, which is fine, but I don't blame them for wanting some alone time.

No one 'needs alone time' with someone else's child: unpack it and it actually means 'I want to have that child wholly to myself to get my feelz and fun without witnesses or having to share'. No. It's a person, not a toy. The whole bollocks about needing to 'bond' is also rubbish, if you've bonded to your baby that's the whole end of that word being relevant. She will have a relationship with her grandchild and that isn't in any way affected by other people in the room.

She's strong arming you dressed up in nice language.

Avoid saying 'when she's older' - the obvious response is 'well today's she's older than yesterday, so can I have her now?' and avoid non specific responses, she'll just keep pushing, and as you're finding, she just won't hear the implication of no, she's just getting information that she needs to push more. With people who try to manoever you like this, the only thing that works is a cheerful, clear boundary.

"No. I won't be leaving her with you, and you can bond to her all you like while you're visiting."

Or even, a cheerful, "No." and a smile. And if she nags, then an even clearer, "No. We're not discussing this any further."

I don't understand why people are jumping on thr OP about baby not having been out alone with her husband....surely that's normal while he's working full time and she's on maternity?

This has made me very much panic about my situation though. I have to go back to work after 6 months maternity 😢

In terms of GP facetime is silly with a 6mo old especially if she lives locally and sees her regularly. It does sound like she sees her as a toy and the bottom line is if you're not ready for her to be left then that's your choice! Don't be bullied into anything you're not comfortable with

Thank you ceebs85!

Thank you ceebs85!

AvoidingCallentics - a rainbow baby is one you have after a miscarriage or stillborn. I lost my son at 21 weeks due to an incompetant cervix. I was told that I had less than 5% chance of concieving and then I became pregnant with him, so he was a miracle that I didn't think could be repeated. Luckily it did happen again and I have a daughter, but that is probably why I am so protective.
Keep your chin up OP, I completely understand. I don't understand the negative comments but there you go.

I think it's weird your husband not having your baby alone any time. He's 6 months not 6 days. It's good for him, it's good for the bond with your child, and it's good for you too.

Thanks you for the explanation Harvey. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your baby x

My mother wanted to have my DB's baby overnight so she could sleep train her with a cry-it-out approach as she felt they were mollycoddling and that a single night with firm, competent grandma would have it all sorted in a single night! She did not tell them she was planning this & only told me months later!
DSiL did not give in to this request & DM has no interest in children once they can talk so the moment has passed.

I know how hard it must be to say no. I'm the sort of person who also finds it hard to say no as I'm a people person. I'd just keep repeating that's she's not a sleeper etc and just go try keep putting it off. Can you speak to your husband about it and get him to put his foot down? Or if you feel confident just say you arnt comfortable leaving her yet and would rather settle her to bed at night etc. It's so hard when it's not your own family x

Op I think you are me. Other than I'm now onto DS (DD is 2.5!) and my MIL's still at it. We've even had to move to another country to escape! Only half joking

Ignore the comments about your DH, I know exactly what you mean. My DH has only recently had DS on his own for a couple of chunks. Not because I didn't want him, not because I didn't trust him (he's an amazing dad!) but just because we were always together. Which is how we like it! Something will come up and your DH will take her, no need to force it if you're all happy.

You're not always together - you have plenty of time with just your child. Given you are with your daughter every day, she is likely to come to you first for everything. That's lovely for you, but long term I think it can hamper the bond she has with her father. I bet it would be unfathomable for you to have never had her alone, it should be equally so the other way. Even if it's just for you to pop to the shops, or meet a friend for offer, or for you to catch up on sleep.

I personally don't find it weird at all that dh hasn't had DD on her own for an extended period of time. We have always been very close as a couple, and family time is our priority. My dd adores dh, her face lights up when he is around and there is absolutely no indication that they have bonded any less because of it.

You are perfectly entitled to say that you don't feel ready to let your MIL spend time alone with your DD. However, dressing it up as not being in DDs best interests is nonsense. Babies are very adaptable and happily cope with one to one interactions with a variety of adults who are close to them.

Op.... have you not been out to dinner with friends, or met a friend for a proper chat over coffee, or been to the shop quickly for supplies, or ANYTHING like that (thus leaving your DD alone with her other parent) for 6 whole months? I do find that utterly bizarre, I'm afraid. I couldn't wait to go to the shop on my own when DS1 was 3 weeks old

As for your MIL: say no. Keep saying no.

Of course I have been to the shops to get food or something quick, as I keep saying dh hasn't had her for extended periods of time, as in hours. No I haven't had a night out, and if I see friends it's during the day and DD comes with me. It works for us. I had plenty of nights out and shopping trips before she arrived. I honestly don't see what the big deal is?!

Contessa That is utterly ridiculous. Just because you wanted to leave your baby at 3 weeks does not make that normal. There is nothing bizarre about the OP's choices. Each to their own!

I haven't left my 7mo DS for more than an hour or so. And the only night I've had away from my 2.5 yr old DD was the night DS was born. Mine and my DH's choice and absolutely normal for us. I have/had a very active social life but I meet my friends during the day these days. They know why and most are in the same position.

Not everybody is the same!

YANBU. My mum does this with my younger (19 year old) sister. When my mum has DS (2) for the day she'll leave him with my sister for half an hour because "she needs quality time with him, she feels like they are distant". I don't mind her looking after him she's responsible but what the actual fuck does distant mean and anyway it's about the child's needs not the adults! MissHavishamsleftdaffodil hit the nail on the head totally.

Everyone saying you should have time away is full of shit imo. If you don't want to yet, then don't. She's only 6 months old. Whatever works for you is fine. I was very similar with my first number 2 is 6 weeks old and I'm ready for a night off going to be comfortable a lot sooner this time round I think.

There is a very strong emphasis in our society on getting space from our children at the earliest opportunity/as frequently as possible. You may be surprised how time alone with your partner is actually very refreshing and necessary once you're ready, but it's what works for you and there's no hurry - particularly if your own family aren't around and mil is the only childcare option!

Teaadbiscuitsforme - thank you! I would absolutely not have felt comfortable leaving DD at 3 weeks, and would have had no interest in leaving her either. I just don't see the rush, even now at 6 months. There actually is very little difference between a 3 week old and 6 month old, they are still very much babies, and if anything a 6 month old has much more awareness of me being gone than she would have at 3 weeks when she practically slept 24/7.

Hi OP,

Do you feel the same way about your Mum? Or is it just how you feel about MIL in particular?

My mum and PIL FaceTime my DS (3 months) at least once a week - they love seeing him have a bath or playing with a new toy and I think it has helped him bond with them, he certainly smiles when he sees/hears them. My mum is the only person to have had my son overnight, but that is down to how ready o feel to leave him with others. My MIL is amazing and we have a great relationship and I know he would be fine with her but I'm just not ready. It's not explainable but then no one asks me to justify it they just accept it. Good luck though - do things at your own pace.