Does anyone else feel like this about babies grandparents?

[user1488794856]

My DD is 6 months old, and this afternoon I have found myself in situation with my mil which has made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Little background, me and mil get on ok, not the greatest relationship but it's ok but a little strained at times. I don't have a relationship with my own mum and my dad isn't around, so in terms of grandparenting mil is not treated any differently to my own family, and if anything sees DD more than mine, although this is through their own choice.

So this afternoon at lunch mil picks a moment where dh is otherwise engaged to tell me rather than ask, that she needs alone time with DD and will come up so we can go out for the day/night.

DD is not a good sleeper at night or for naps, and can be somewhat tricky at times. Mil knows this as she has been told many times, but she chooses to ignore it.

I politely smiled and said "maybe, but her sleeping is really difficult for is, therefore probably be best when she is older and can have longer awake times". She basically ignored that, and continued on about having her on her, because she needs "quality time", and told me not to be dismissive of her.

I genuinely wasn't, I just didn't know how to politely say no, because:
1- I'm not ready to be away from her
2- getting mil set up to look after her for a few hours will be more work than help
3-i personally just don't see the need for "alone time" between grandparent and baby. As a baby her needs are so immediate and hard to interpret by someone who doesn't know her I just don't feel that this would make DD happy, and ultimately that's what matters to me. When she is older and can go to the park, make cakes etc then sure, alone time with nanny is fine, but I don't feel it's appropriate for me when she is a tiny baby.

Am I alone in feeling like this? And how do I handle this situation?

Emmajr1 - I don't have a relationship with my mum at all, it broke down years ago due to some pretty abusive (verbal) behaviour when I was a child. Perhaps I therefore have trust issues, I don't know. I haven't had the experience of leaving DD with my mum, in order to feel more comfortable leaving her with mil, so I guess this is also an obstacle on my behalf.

Urgh, insisting on taking your kid because you need "you time" makes me cringe. It's not kind or helpful, its patronising rubbish. "Be a dear and toddle off while we commandeer the baby."
I haven't been away from my daughter at all and she's two. I don't need to. I don't have any interest in getting my hair done or going shopping. It's one thing if someone wants some time out from their kids and a break but if a mother doesn't want to be away from her child, the grandparents have absolutely no right in demanding otherwise. Yes it's healthy to have relationships with the wider family and that is easily achieved by the grandparent visiting, playing with them, etc.. Nobody "needs" alone time with anyone else's child and, quite frankly, insisting on it comes across as creepy.
OP just shut her down and keep saying no. Be a broken record if you have to.

Your daughter is 2 and she's never been away from you? At all?

OP, obviously the circumstances with your mum are quite different and may or may not have had an impact on whether to leave your DD or not, but in my situation it's made absolutely no difference. My mum is an amazing gran, she used to look after DD one morning a few week when I begrudgingly went back to work when DD was 9mo (as did FIL) but there is absolutely no way either DC will be staying with her for a long time yet. She mostly sees them with us, the odd trip to the park with DD (same as PIL) but she doesn't have them on her own a lot.

I think around 6 mo is actually a really hard time to leave them, esp if you BF. You're introducing solids but not enough to space out feeds so I wouldn't find it easy to leave DS. I know in a couple of moths, that will be less of an issue.

OP if you were my friend I'd be concerned about you never getting away from your baby. Especially as you have family willIng and able to help you. You say she's not a great sleeper so you're presumably not even getting great long naps to chill by yourself.

Thing is it's nice to meet your friends and chat with your 6 month old babies, but once they are toddlers it's much harder and your friends will probably start to go back to work and move to meeting on up an evening with no kids so you can actually hear yourselves speak. My DS is 2 and I do have friends that I see during the day (sahm) but they never come to evening stuff because only they can settle their toddler. It definitely affects your relationships with others.

Overnight fair enough is too much, but there's really no reason your mil can't take your DD out for a walk for an hour or something during the day. Naps and bottles are not rocket science. And you may find that you enjoy some freedom. And if your DD is that difficult to deal with then mil won't ask to have her again so your problem is solved.

Your child, your decision, just tell her no.

Caterina99 - if circumstances change when DD is a toddler, then I'm sure my opinion about whether I need time out in the evening will change also, I won't know until it happens. Having said that however, it isn't really an issue in my circumstances, as I am already pregnant with #2, so going out is not going to that appealing whilst pregnant, and then looking after 2 under 2.

Tell her not to dismiss you, your saying no and that's the end of It.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 - not a bad idea! I'd never have the guts but a taste of her own medicine is nice in my fantasies ☺️

If you're happy with your lot then that's all that matters.

But you're most likely going to need some help with 2 under 2 and I'd personally start making sure your DD is used to other people rather than just you all the time or she will not be happy when the new baby comes along and suddenly her favourite person is busy with the new baby.

I have friends that the only time they left their 2 yr old DS with anyone other than each other was the 12 week scan for second baby. He was inconsolable and my friend was so stressed the whole time as her friend was ringing her with questions about his routine. And then there was the issue of taking him to all her appointments (been there and done that and it's not fun, although your DD is younger so hopefully will be easier to entertain) and then finding a babysitter for the birth as the friend wasn't keen. They have no family locally so have little choice, but in your situation surely your mil can take your DD for a bit so you can at least go to your antenatal appointments alone.

Um, your baby, you're a SAHM - you sound completely reasonable to me! If the FaceTime thing (which from the outside sounds ridiculous) doesn't work, say.
My MIL is like this. Thankfully she lives in France.

I was the same, I didn't like DS being too far away from me especially the first year, I was BF so managed to use that as an excuse.
If you're not ready for her to have DD over night or for any certain time then you need to be firm, yes it will upset here but no point her keep asking and you getting upset over it too.
My DS is 2.8 and I still haven't left him over night unless it's been with DH. Although we have a wedding coming up soon that will require myself and DH to stay overnight and I'm actually ok with this for the first time.

With the FaceTime could you not FaceTime your MIL for 5 min every couple of days so she can see her grandchild? That way you can arrange a time that's not on bath time/naps.

that she needs alone time with DD and will come up so we can go out

WTAF?

Megalomania gone mad!

Yuk! 😡

Caterina99- without sounding disrespectful, when I was pregnant with DD I lost count of the people who told me I wouldn't be able to cope if I didn't have some kind of help. Mil isn't local, although she does visit regularly but these are scheduled, arranged visits. We won't have any extra pair of hands when we have 2 under 2, and that's just the way it is, we will cope.
Hopefully we won't face any jealousy issues, DD will be a little over 13 months when dC2 arrives, so she won't really know life without a sibling.
DD will be coming to all antenatal appointments, doesn't bother me in the slightest and I want her there.

OP is not strange for having not left her baby!
I personally believe it's very very strange to want to leave your baby at a few weeks old. Not my baby not my problem.
I want to be with my children. They want to be with me. Her DD can not communicate. Right now the only person she NEEDS is her mother and OP is more than happy with that.
Just because her father has never had her alone does not mean they don't have an amazing bond.
He could be on the floor playing with her for hours, bathing her, feeding her, reading her stories all while the OP has her feet up or is in the bath. It's an absolute ridiculous notion that a tiny baby Needs to bond with other people. She doesn't she needs her PCG. Others can come along later. MIL needs to know her place.

Taylor22, your description of my husband is bang on, he is an amazing dad, and him and my dd are my whole world.

I didn't have to try to hard to imagine that sort of Father. I have two children by one.
First time I left DD with him she was inconsolable. She absolutely adores him but she just wasn't ready to be that far away from me for that long. We both agreed that I didn't really want to leave her and she didn't want to leave me. So I didn't try for many moths after.
She is now a wild and crazy 14 month old who doesn't look back when I leave. They are so little for such a short time. Make sure when you look back on this time you are happy with what happened (some regrets are normal) but please don't be bullied into anything.

Thank you taylor22, I'm pregnant and hormonal tonight and it brought a tear to my eye :)

Yanbu. The only person I have ever left my son with for more than 3 hours or ovetnight with is my DM. And that's only happened 4 times in nearly 2 years and didn't happen at all until ds was a year old. But we lived with her for a few months and I totally trust her to treat him as I do, whether it's something she would do or not. Ds is also a shit sleeper (we still cosleep and bf/bf to sleep) and she's quite happy to settle in with ds at night. I remember once by dbro taking my ds to the park with his dd when ds was about 6 months old for about half an hour. I cried 😳. Not that I don't trust my dbro but I suppose I was anxious that ds would be upset if I wasn't around/if he got hungry (I ebfd). At the end of the day, it's your baby. It's your choice. Don't let Mil or anyone else pressure you.

The facetiming is nonsense at her age.

I was ready to say that you are being completely reasonable and don't need to leave DD with your MIL till you are good and ready, but your recent post about already being pregnant with DC2 does change my opinion a little.

When you go to give birth, you would presumably like your DP with you, and your DD needs to be able to be left with someone who knows her routines and likes and dislikes and who know how to make her bottles and who everyone trusts.

It sounds like that kind of relationship will take some building, so maybe the initial foundations of it do need starting now.

I'm not saying acquiesce and leave her to do as she will, I'm saying find a way for her to be involved and for her to learn how things need to be done now and how your daughter (and you!) like things.

My MIL drove me bonkers with DS1, she would put him on his front in the cot because that was the advice when her children were small, she put a hot water bottle in with him once and I went ballistic. We eventually managed to work out how to rub along, I let some of the smaller stuff go and she knew absolutely that I wouldn't be moved on other stuff (she used to "air" the cot with a hot water bottle but she knew it must be removed and the sheets checked for any wet patches from leaks before my son was to go anywhere near it!)

But by the time my DT2/3 were born I felt confident enough that he could sleep over at her house a night or two if necessary. Which was very useful as I was in hospital for over 2 weeks!

Generallyabitgrumpy - I agree that for my labour we will need a plan for DD. I planning having a home birth and will more than likely have my sister stay (she isn't local either) as I will feel much more comfortable with her in such a vulnerable position. If I end up in hospital DD will have to stay at home with sister.
My sister has a lovely bond with DD, bit she has never had her alone, and has never asked. Going back to the original issue I don't believe mil needs alone time to build a bond. DD is bonded with lots of people, including my friends, none of which have had her alone. Alone time doesn't equal better bonding in my opinion.

You need to be comfy and apart from the fact that given your starting point I thought it would take some work for your MIL to be ready to look after DD when you have your new baby. If that isn't necessary then just do what you are comfy with.

Do bear in mind though that whilst a gently homebirth whilst your DD is asleep and waking up as a family of 4 is the ideal, it is possible that you or the new baby may need some medical care which may lead to you being away from home for a night or more and you need contingency plans. But if that is already in hand then it's already in hand.

I had a relative who kept offering to take my DS who I wasn't comfortable with. She wouldn't listen and always knew best. She never had him on her own. You have to do what you are comfortable with.

You don't have to let you dc ho at 6 months, it's very soon. My ds stayed at my mums for a day when he was about 6 months old, I wrote my mum a full list of exactly what to do in any situation, 4 A4 sides, oh we do laugh about that now. Of course your mil cope with a baby, the vast majority of people do. You will laugh about her knowing what to do with your baby in a year.

How will your daughter feel with you contracting, possibly screaming and moaning and in pain. Won't she be frightened? Her dad will presumably need to support you. What if she needs comforting and you're the only one that will do, except you're mid contraction and can't help her? If you end up staying in hospital for a few nights yet she's never been away from you, not even for an hour? You might be fine with it and happy with your plan but what's she going to be like? She won't see spending time with other people without you as something routine and normal because you're so determined that she spend every waking moment with you. Shes 6 months old, she's not a newborn baby.

You don't have to be with your daughter all of the time, and try to make sure that no one else forms a close bond with her (which I think you do even with your husband given you won't let them spend much time alone), to be the most important person in her life. You already are, and will remain so, but she does need to feel comfortable with others without you, especially given there's another baby on the way. You could end up in hospital, it could be for weeks if you have pregnancy/birth complications, and suddenly you won't be there for a prolonged period and her little world will fall apart. Much better to get her used to spending shorter periods without you now so that if and when you need to be apart, it will be fine for her. And she will form a closer bond with them without you there because she will turn to them for comfort - it's the difference between looking after someone and just visiting.

When my niece was tiny she came to stay a few times. There were many others we visited. I don't remember much about going to her house for visits, but I vividly remember her in my knee with me trying to soothe her when teething, when she stayed the weekend. It was that quiet time with her that forged our relationship. If her mum had been there, she'd have rub straight to her, but instead I comforted her, she was fine with this, and it made us closer.