Does anyone else feel like this about babies grandparents?

[user1488794856]

My DD is 6 months old, and this afternoon I have found myself in situation with my mil which has made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Little background, me and mil get on ok, not the greatest relationship but it's ok but a little strained at times. I don't have a relationship with my own mum and my dad isn't around, so in terms of grandparenting mil is not treated any differently to my own family, and if anything sees DD more than mine, although this is through their own choice.

So this afternoon at lunch mil picks a moment where dh is otherwise engaged to tell me rather than ask, that she needs alone time with DD and will come up so we can go out for the day/night.

DD is not a good sleeper at night or for naps, and can be somewhat tricky at times. Mil knows this as she has been told many times, but she chooses to ignore it.

I politely smiled and said "maybe, but her sleeping is really difficult for is, therefore probably be best when she is older and can have longer awake times". She basically ignored that, and continued on about having her on her, because she needs "quality time", and told me not to be dismissive of her.

I genuinely wasn't, I just didn't know how to politely say no, because:
1- I'm not ready to be away from her
2- getting mil set up to look after her for a few hours will be more work than help
3-i personally just don't see the need for "alone time" between grandparent and baby. As a baby her needs are so immediate and hard to interpret by someone who doesn't know her I just don't feel that this would make DD happy, and ultimately that's what matters to me. When she is older and can go to the park, make cakes etc then sure, alone time with nanny is fine, but I don't feel it's appropriate for me when she is a tiny baby.

Am I alone in feeling like this? And how do I handle this situation?

Your baby your choice.

In MILs defence, the sleeping anxiety and needing to prepare your MIL taking time etc. is all your stress and she'd probably be fine just handed the baby, a dummy and a bottle and left to get on with it.

But your MIL also sounds like a dick so there's that....

The advice has been excellent, I'm glad you feel empowered.
The bottom line is, your baby is yours. People will tell you it's the whole family's baby. No. The baby came out of your chuff so you get to say. Make that your hard-and-fast rule. You'll be happy, and people will get used to it.

Am l right in thinking your mil wants to talk to your baby on the phone? Thats rubbish. Can your dh not speak to her saying WE see baby is not ready for that yet. End of! I am a gm and l fully suppirt you. There is no divine right to time alone but do grt her to hold baby walk buggy etc to help her feel involved.

*junebirthdaygirl yes she wants to FaceTime with her at least a couple of times a week, always right around bedtime which basically means DD has a phone in her face for 10 minutes whilst mil talks at her.

She has pushed pram etc, however she pretty much snatches it away from me before I can even offer, so it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

This could be me writing this! My relationship with MIL has definitely changed because of her pushiness. Since DD was born I have had constant comments on how I should get her into a routine, wearing too many clothes, sleeping too much etc. When we are out MIL tries to grab the pram or lift the muslin to see if DD is asleep, which of course doesn't let her go to sleep. MIL had prepared a cot as soon as DD was born, expecting to be able to look after her and puts passive aggressive pressure on my husband asking to look after her for the night etc. I was even afraid to tell MIL that I had stopped breastfeeding as I knew she would jump on it to have DD overnight. This has been going on since the beginning, it has been so wearing and now I just dont want her around. Everytime she is around I just feel like I am getting really judgy looks as well and I just feel MIL wants to take over and be the mother which is probably a bit paranoid of me. The problem is that in the first few days of DD being born when I was extra hormonal, MIL told me that when she was younger she wanted a child so much that she wanted to steal one. Who admits that?!!
Also, my baby is a rainbow baby so I am especially reluctant to let anyone else look after her. I have only just started letting my own parents look after her for a couple of hours and there is no way I am ready for overnight and DD is one!
Also, MIL has completely spoilt the other grandchildren which puts me off.
Anyway, sorry to rant, but I always feel alone in my feelings and I feel comforted that someone else is in the same boat.
Is your DH supportive of you and makes it clear he respects your decisions to MIL? I think I would feel better if mine would actually stand up to MIL and tell her to back off a bit.
I hope it all resolves for you, any tips let me know! :-) xx

My mil was like this. She came over once and said I'll look after dd while I could clean the house?! I said it's not particularly messy and I didn't want to. She took her out for a walk and all I did was look out the window waiting for them to come back. She never did it again. I think she got the hint. She's backed off now. I know it's exciting being a grandparent etc but a baby needs it's mother/father and to build up that bond. I didnt let anyone have her until she was one. Just say you don't want to be away from her. Just be honest.

The only thing that saved my sanity OP was disengaging completely and just letting dh deal with it. If she contacted me about coming round (all the time!!) I'd just say 'ooh, I'm not sure when dh is free - why don't you check with him'. And sending him off with baby to hers for a couple of hours once breastfeeding wasn't so frequent.

I still hated to do this after she'd spent months trying to snatch my baby at every opportunity, but I'm mindful of the fact that it will benefit all of us for dd to have a relationship with her grandmother as she grows up. And mil is not a horrible person, just overenthusiastic and a bit lonely and self-centred.

You're lucky that your husband is on your side as that's half the battle - once I'd got dh to see that mil's expectations of me were unreasonable and felt supported I was much more able to deal with it. I see so many posters in this position who have awful husbands backing up awful mils!

Oh god yes - mil asked me if she should make a nursery at hers. I gently said not really, as if dd does ever need to stay then we have a great travel cot. Next thing? Fully decorated nursery with her name on the door. She doesn't listen to me at all.

Do people also think the FaceTime is unreasonable? It's always annoyed me as its late in the evening and not enjoyable for DD at all, but I have never said anything, just gritted my teeth as I thought it's what everyone did?

Why can't she take the baby out on her own for an hour or two?

Alittlepotofrosie - I guess I just don't feel ready. I don't need an hour or 2 away from her, I'd miss her too much and worry. As she's only 6 months in an hour or 2 she is likely to need a nap, unless she was taken the minute she woke up, plus more than likely feeding as she eats pretty regularly still, and I just don't feel comfortable with mil doing this. Not that she isn't capable, as it isn't rocket science, but that DD would wonder what on Earth is going on and where I am, and it would upset her.

Do people also think the FaceTime is unreasonable?

From the perspective of the people who count (baby first, then you) it's at best pointless, at worst disruptive.

Babies need to develop relationships with other important people in their lives as well. There's no reason at all why a 6 month old can't be taken out for a walk in the pram by her grandmother for an hour.

Alittlepotofrosie - but I'm not stopping her developing a relationship,she comes over to see DD and I try to not interfere, even when DD it crying which is hard. I just don't feel ready for her to be away for an hour, and I don't see why she needs her alone to "develop a relationship?". She hasn't even been out with dh for an hour without me, not that I wouldn't trust him, it just hasn't happened.

She has never been out alone with her dad! In 6 months!?

Not for long periods no, but I really don't see the shock horror with that! I'm a sahm, so I have her during the week, and then at weekends we have family time...it's really not that shocking!

My MIL said something really similar when my kid was around that age. She said something like "This time all together is great, but we will need to have time on our own with her." Need? I just ignored her. At that age, the baby's needs are important, your needs are important as the primary caregiver and everything else can wait. As my daughter has got older it's happened naturally that they've had time on their own together.

Let me start by saying that I wouldn't leave a baby or child with someone who is stupid enough to give a thermos of boiling water to a baby/child to play with. End of. Yes, its unlikely they'll open it, but for the love of fuck, why take the risk?

Secondly, she's your baby and you get to decide when you are ready to leave her. Thems the rules!

However, you'd be MAD not to start leaving her with your DH. They both deserve that alone time to develop a relationship that just can't happen when the primary caregiver is there. She needs to learn that Daddy is just as able to meet her needs & loves her too. He needs to develop the confidence & ability to meet her needs. It's not fair not to give them this time (IMO) Plus, god forbid, should you end up in hospital or something, it's not fair on them to just be in that position. The sooner you do it, the better for DD too. Most babies get separation anxiety around 9 months, if she's secure with Daddy before then, life will be easier. YOU might not 'need' time away from her, but have a think about what's good for her & DH.

I wouldn't leave your DD (or anyone's DC) with your MIL, but a grandparent wanting alone time with grandchildren (yes babies upwards) isn't 'weird' or 'controlling'. You develop a totally different relationship with. babies & children when they are in your care than you do just visiting. Obviously they don't have a 'right' to it, but I do wish people would stop saying nasty things about it.

But don't leave her with 'Thermoses are great toys' MIL. Not unless she realised how utterly stupid it was & was utterly remorseful!

Yeah, MIL was the same. She wanted alone time with my DD so they could "bond". What? Why? She's my daughter thanks very much and MIL seemed to me like some kind of stalker. They know how special she is to me. Unless you have been in this situation you don't realise the strange dynamics that come into play. Firstly, you don't want them to spend time with anyone else and the more someone insists, the more suspicious/stubborn you become.
My situation became alot easier to handle once my DH admitted his mum was overbearing and it made me feel alot more secure. You have to remember that you are in control and that noone can take over. It gets easier once the hormones and baby fog subsides and you feel strong in yourself again. That said, I do wonder whether my animosity towards MIL has harmed the relationship with my DH. Time will tell I suppose. I wish I had been able to let go and be more relaxed but I am obviously a control freak, ha ha!

My relationship with my ILs was damaged by how batshit crazy they went when dh and I had a baby. I honestly don't understand what gets into them. Anyway, as others have said, this is your baby, not mils and she has no right to time alone with her. You have to be brave and learn to advocate for yourself and your child. Mil isn't worried too much about your feelings and has tried to push you into this when your dh isn't around, so by the same token you don't have to worry about bring blunt in return!

What is a rainbow baby?

Feel a bit sorry for MIL now. Facetiming a 6mo seems pointless to me, but I would interpret it as MIL wanting to feel more involved with DC and have regular contact with her (a good thing, surely?)

And I don't think it's batshit at all to suggest having an hour with a DGC so that the parents can spend some time together.

I do think it's batshit that a (presumably competent) dad hasn't had more than an hour or so alone with his own child in 6 months, and that's what is more likely to come back to bite the OP more than the MIL

How can you be being unreasonable when she is your child?
Say no and get your husband to step up and tell his mum no. It's your prerogative to decide when your dd is ready ( if at all) to spend time alone with anyone.

The FaceTime thing is silly really but won't do any harm for 5 minutes.

I think your being very precious about all this! Your MIL would most likely be fine looking after your daughter for an hour or two. Fair enough if you don't want her to stay out overnight yet but not letting her watch her while you pop our for an hour is completely over the top.

I also have a 6 month old daughter who is looked after by my MIL weekly for an hour or two so I can go to the gym and I was nervous at first but she is perfectly capable. I'm sure yours is too it you gave her the chance?

I expect the reason why she doesn't try to help with your daughter when you are all together is that she feels you watching her like a hawk!

Yeah she's your child but that doesnt mean you own her. It's good for her to bond with other people. I feel sorry for your MIL. this isn't a 6 week old we are talking about here.