Does anyone else feel like this about babies grandparents?

[user1488794856]

My DD is 6 months old, and this afternoon I have found myself in situation with my mil which has made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Little background, me and mil get on ok, not the greatest relationship but it's ok but a little strained at times. I don't have a relationship with my own mum and my dad isn't around, so in terms of grandparenting mil is not treated any differently to my own family, and if anything sees DD more than mine, although this is through their own choice.

So this afternoon at lunch mil picks a moment where dh is otherwise engaged to tell me rather than ask, that she needs alone time with DD and will come up so we can go out for the day/night.

DD is not a good sleeper at night or for naps, and can be somewhat tricky at times. Mil knows this as she has been told many times, but she chooses to ignore it.

I politely smiled and said "maybe, but her sleeping is really difficult for is, therefore probably be best when she is older and can have longer awake times". She basically ignored that, and continued on about having her on her, because she needs "quality time", and told me not to be dismissive of her.

I genuinely wasn't, I just didn't know how to politely say no, because:
1- I'm not ready to be away from her
2- getting mil set up to look after her for a few hours will be more work than help
3-i personally just don't see the need for "alone time" between grandparent and baby. As a baby her needs are so immediate and hard to interpret by someone who doesn't know her I just don't feel that this would make DD happy, and ultimately that's what matters to me. When she is older and can go to the park, make cakes etc then sure, alone time with nanny is fine, but I don't feel it's appropriate for me when she is a tiny baby.

Am I alone in feeling like this? And how do I handle this situation?

Reading this I have decided I am 100% a rubbish mum! I jump at the chance of babysitters and over night ones woooo hooo!!! My kids have really strong bonds with both sets of gp and have stayed out from being a couple of months. They have sleepovers at least once a fortnight and I really enjoy the break!!! The adore all gp and I think it's lovely. I think it's up to you op it's your baby but I do let gp have input as they love them so much. For example mil was desperate for dc to go to same preschool as dh as it was so lovely with some of same people- it meant a lot to her no reason not to so I split their hours. I do feel sorry for the mil a bit to be honest and even though I like my own mum best I try really hard to be fair! I don't mean you at all op but I do feel mil are a bit at the mercy of sons wives! Hoping my ds pick nice ones!!

I don't think its strange her DH hasn't been alone with their DD.

I've just checked with my DP & he's not been alone with DD for an hour either. He works full time I'm currently on Mat leave, he's kept an eye on DD whilst I went to the dentist/opticians/parents evening etc but he's not had her alone for an hour anywhere. Mostly as she's ebf and would be inconsolable if I wasn't around when she got hungry, won't take a bottle and we have tried.

DP is very hands on but the need for him to have DD alone has not arisen. He'd be fine if he had to. He doesn't have to. So I won't be waving him off with DD for an hour.

He doesn't seem to be terribly traumatised or not bonded with DD because of it. He spends ages playing with DD when he's home. She recognises him and gets really happy and smiley when he picks her up.

OP, you shouldn't do anything you don't want. Your baby and if you don't want to hand her over for a couple of hours. Don't. Tell your DH what your mil said and let him deal with her.

Personally I'm fine it's my mil cuddling DD but I wouldn't let her have DD for an hour alone either. Why? She probably will when DD is older. It at this stage she needs me and her dad not mil. Your mil is batshit, ignore her and enjoy your baby.

@user1488794856
Maybe you do have trust issues but you seem confident enough that you can trust your sister so maybe it's just your MIL's eagerness that is making you uncomfortable. Either way it's your child so you have to go at your own pace - if you left her before you were ready you wouldn't benefit from the time away anyway - I'm sure you'd be pulling your hair out and not sleep a wink!
Definitely don't do anything just to makes MIL happy if it makes you unhappy.

OP if you were my friend I'd be concerned about you never getting away from your baby

What patronising nonsense, the baby is 6 months! Tiny!

I think these seems to be a topic that's allot more controversial and has split opinions.
For me having a baby alone simply does not mean better bonding can occur, I have a beautiful a bond with my now 7 year old niece, I didn't have her alone until she was at least 3, however it didn't affect our relationship.
There were times when she was a tiny baby that I was able to comfort her, e.g. of my sister took a shower, was tidying kitchen etc, there is nothing stopping mil doing this.

In regards to dh, again, another topic that is massively dividing people. It works for us and my DD and her dad are very much in love. To say that I am trying to keep her to myself and away from other people intentionally is very unfairly, she is 6 months old. I know some have the opinion that this is plenty old enough to be without mum, but personally to me she is a tiny baby still.

I'm not judging those that hand their babies over and head on out after a matter of week, so it unfortunately to judge me for not doing so.

Sorry for all the typos! I'm knackered this morning!

You cannot tell that the OP has trust issues from this issue FGS!!!! And blue I completely disagree with your whole post. The OP hasn't said that she is stopping her daughter from seeing people, just that she doesn't want to leave her DD with them. That's totally fine and very very normal for a lot of people. She's not damaging their relationship!! And she's not making her daughter clingy. Attachment theory anyone?

My DD has great relationships with her grandparents. She runs off into nursery without a second glance. She is always described as confident, bubbly, sociable but other than nursery 2 days a week from 12mths, we don't leave her with anybody regularly. And she's not going anywhere overnight for a long time!

OP, I had 2 under 2. 22 mo gap admittedly so not as young as your 2 will be but we moved so we currently have no family support. You don't need to have it. The biggest help I would suggest would be a cleaner if you can afford it. Next thing would be a chef! The hardest thing to organise was leaving DD for the birth but sounds like you've got that sorted.

I think you're very normal OP. Very normal first baby set up, well bonded, being together. at about 10 months I started going to an hours exercise class and DH would look after baby. At a year I'd go out for the odd night out but I still preferred to stay in with baby during the evening. When my second came along all these things happened earlier.

However the phone at 6 is unreasonable. All about her needs not your DD's needs. Be like a broken record 'no it's not convenient, 4pm is the best time for you to call'. Don't let her speak to DD but do t argue with her, just say good bye you'd better be off. Then after a few days of suggesting 4pm stop picking up the phone at 6pm

in my circles it very normal to be with your baby constantly in the first year. About half of the parents I know were baby wearing, breast feeding and child led with a stay at home parent. Their kids are now school aged and these families are all well adjusted and lovely.

Some people need to put their young babies in nurseries or with relatives out of necessity from a very young age. Parenthood is different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way.

However you have the choice OP and can choose to be completely led by your DD and her needs while she's a baby. That will make her feel very secure.

alittlepotofrosie plenty of women give birth at home with their young children there. As I have said my sister will likely be with us, and if DD needs comforting she will be there for her. Of course DD would probably prefer me or dh, but it's a pretty unique, one off situation, not something I am going to beat myself up about. Again, if I end up in hospital, we will find a way to cope and I'm sure DD will be fine as a one off.

In regards to your comment about me wanting DD to spend every waking minute with me, this simply isn't true, and if you had taken in my other posts you would recognise that.what has suprised me most about alot of comments on this thread is how much critisism iv received for wanting to keep DD with me whilst she's a tiny baby. Tbh I find it pretty shocking, it might not be everyone's cup of tea, but to suggest it's wrong is just bizarre to me. When did we become so detached as a society from our children?!
If anything I now plan to continue as I have been with even more confidence, I truly believe DD and her future sibling will grow up as beautifully secure children because I have been with them so much, not the opposite.

YANBU. Your baby is 6 months old! Tiny. Nothing wrong with you not leaving her, if that's what you want.

I left DD for a couple of hours for the first time (at home with DM) when she was 7 weeks. I didn't want to really but OH had a meal/night out planned that he was really looking forward to. Everyone convinced me I 'deserved a break'. I drove (was bf/expressing so couldn't drink anyway), cried on the way there a bit, had a horrible time and clock watched until it was 10pm and an acceptable time to get home! DD was fine, of course but I wish I'd have out my foot down. I never really left her apart from that other than to nip to the shop quickly when DM or MIL were visiting until she was much older. I've had a quite few nights out where she's been left at home with OH and we both stayed away overnight for the first time (leaving DD with DM who stayed over at our house) when she was 13 months old.

She's 16 months now and we do go out for meals and stuff and DM and MIL take it in turns to babysit but she's in bed by the time we leave and rarely wakes so they don't generally see her then. I never send her away to their houses, not because I don't trust them but because I don't see the need. I'm a SAHM. All the GPs see her several times a week, and spend lots of time with her. She adores them and runs to the door all excited when I say 'ooh, Grandma is here!'. They have a great bond but she's never spent hours of alone time with any of them, except DM that once overnight. OH sometimes takes DD to his parents for the afternoon at the weekend and I have a bit of a break (or rather, catch up on cleaning the house without a rampaging toddler underfoot!) but he's still there.

Your MIL is being a bit selfish. Just tell her no. You don't have to explain yourself. She is yours and OHs child, not a doll to be played with.

Oh, and the people saying you'll make her 'clingy'? Tosh. My DD would only be cuddled to sleep, by me or her Dad until she was about 10 months old. All GPs waffled on with the 'clingy' line. I ignored them, it felt right so we continued. One day, off her own back she wriggled about when I was trying to cuddle her to sleep as usual and tried just putting her down in her cot awake and she rolled over happily and went to sleep by herself. She's done that for every nap and sleep ever since.

I also never went to many baby groups and still don't. She sees her cousin (18m so same age ish) a couple of times a month and my friends slightly older children maybe once a month. 'Your baby will be clingy and shy' they all said 'she won't know how to mix with other children'. Bollocks. As soon as I take her to the park, she's straight in there playing with the other babies. Soft play? Same. Birthday party? You've guessed it. She's happy, and secure. She rarely even looks around for me unless she bumps herself or wants a snack!

Leaving your kids with a trusted person for an hour doesnt mean youre detached from them. Its quite laughable that you think that. I think its good for my dc to be able to build relationships with other members of their family independently from me. Shes not that tiny at 6 months that she can't spend half an hour away from you with her grandmother going for a walk around the shops. I think personally its the mark of a good parent to be able to acknowledge your dc arent your possessions and to let other people who care about them into their life and to let them learn that other people can be trusted to take care of them if necessary.

But you'll do as you please. All your mil wanted was a bit of time with her granddaughter and there's actually sod all wrong with that.

alittlepotofrosie I didn't say that those that chose to leave their children were detached parents, I said that I shocked that those parents that do chose to leave their children are so judgmental of those that don't, and that it is seen more "normal" to leave them than not.

Clearly you and I have very different beliefs and should probably leave it at that. For the millionth time, mil is not stopped in any way being around DD, she is welcome round to play with her whenever she likes, for as long as she likes, I just don't feel comfortable with DD being away and it's as simple as that.

And to say it's the mark of a good parent to leave their children, insinuating that I am not a good parent for not choosing to do so is just shocking beyond belief!

MIL can have some time with baby! OP isn't saying she can't. But why does it need to be 'alone' time to build a relationship? Why can't MIL 'bond' while OP is there? I don't think my DD is a possession. I don't own her, she's a person. Doesn't mean I need to send get away so that she can see others, she sees them loads in just here too. Fine if you want to, fine if you don't. It's personal choice.

Thank you sleeptheif84, i think some people are being selective on the points they focus on rather than looking at the whole picture!

OP - I personally think some people are trolling you for their own amusement, nothing you have said is wierd, don't worry about it. Everyone raises children differently. We should be united as mums, not having a go at each other unneccesarily. Life is tough enough as it is!

Thank you harveryrabbit78, you are probably right :)

I thought I'd pop back and mention something I forget.

When I was ready to leave DD with my mum I was still so nervous. This was a child who was still very attached. I called multiple times. I was as worried for my mum as I was for her.

She slept through. WTF?!
We've recently moved and mum had her again so we could pack. She slept perfectly again. She does not do that for me.

When your DD is ready she'll be fine.
There was no 'building up' really. My mum went from visiting a lot and playing with her with me in the room to me dropping her off and running and my daughter was absolutely fine. And I honestly believe it's because we did it when she was ready.