Have I just accidentally insulted another mum?

[LowFatMilkshake]

We have new neighbours with a little boy(4) who is in DD(3)'s group at pre-school. I have started chatting to the mum and we had them over today for a playdate. They had one first at their house.

I find her little boy quite precoscious(sp) dominating of his mum, always butting in with "excuse me" and when he doesnt get his own way "mummy dont ignore me" (she was'nt she just wanted him to cross the road at the crossing not near the sweet shop).

Anyway today they had been watching TV for about 10 minutes when they decided to go back into the garden. I said I would turn the TV off and DD said "no mummy" to which I replied - maybe you can have it on later. She agreed and went outside. His mum remarked on how well DD had taken my 'instruction' (for want of a better word). But I did'nt think anything of it - it's just normal behavour in our house. DD made a point I made mine we agreed and that's that. But she questioned it further so I said to the other mum I was pretty strict with DD and dont tolerate misbehaviour at home as I am mortified when DD misbehaves when we are out so set good rules for everywhere - to the point where some of my friends threaten to leave their DC's with me when they are naughty . Then I wondered if by saying this I had insinutated that she was too leniant on her DS?? Especially after her DS's behaviour at our house.

Dont get me wrong DD can be a monkey and is no angel, but while he was here he sat on my sofa picking his nose. He climed over a sleeping baby DS to get at the cat, knocking over hot tea on himself, DS changing bag and the sofa, not to mention falling on DS. He demanded a new top, which I got for him (luckily DD has some unisex t'shirts). Then when they both went in the garden got wet socks he demanded dry ones - again DD has white sports socks which I provided. I gave him crisps and a drink and he asked for more. And not once unless prompted by his mum did I get a please or thankyou. And she did'nt seem overly bothered by his behaviour.

I really like his mum, but I hate to see parents being bossed around by children and following this behaviour am dreading the next time they come round. What makes it worse is he and DD play together at pre-school and I can hear his speech coming out in her with "excuse me" and "actually" and "I'll just do XXX" and worst of all "mum" - she is 3 and I want to be mummy for at least another year or so it's driving me nuts!

Am I a boot camp mum who has insulted a new friend or would you find some of his behaviour unacceptable.

Oh dear. Just to add to what's already been said.. I spent Monday at my NCT group with my little boy, and five little girls, all 4-5 months. While they sat quietly on laps or napped my boy jumped up and down on my lap, explored my risotto, played with his toys, and was generally much harder work!

He isn't always like this - he can be quiet and attentive too - and I don't want to generalise because I think children are all individuals, but his level of activity, curiosity etc isn't anything to do with my parenting at this stage!

I think this little boy sounds rather likeable actually.

I've got two elder sisters who were angelic kids & my mum was so smug... and then she had me. I lay on my back and screamed in the supermarket, told her to f off in front of other parents (when I was 7)... you get the picture. She parented me exactly the same way, I was just a little ber!
Twenty years on, my elder sisters are a constant worry to her and she admits she loves boasting about me instead... Basically with any child they'll go through phases of being a credit to you, and phases of being an embarrassment to you, and it doesn't do to congratulate yourself or berate yourself too much as you never know what's around the corner...

On the loft ladder thing... You say you work in safety so it must have been a nightmare for you to watch - you're highly tuned to that kind of thing. We all have different risk tolerances. We minimize risk for our kids, but we do it within the framework of how we ourselves perceive risk. In our family DH would have carried DS up the loft ladder then held him out of the trapdoor by his ankles while I squealed 'Careful! He'll be maimed for life!'. DS and DH find my caution highly amusing. I meantime am quietly developing an ulcer...

LFMS you have done so well to keep your cool about the differing views on here! Some of which I agree with and some of which I don't so I can't get tarred with any brushes

Only a little thing to add- I spent the first 18 months of ds's life trying to find a mum like me to talk things through with, bounce ideas around with and generally learn from. My friends with children and I agreed on some things but not all. How stupid was I!
Now I'm really glad that I'll never find one- it's such a truism but how could we all parent the same? We all think we're the best parents in the world (well I think I am anyway ) - if we didn't think we were doing things right then surely we'd change what we were doing? And my goodness its hard not to judge! I do try but every so often it's really good for me and dh to say to each other "blimey did you see what x did" or "how on earth can y's parents let them get away with that??"

Salve for the soul.

Just read the first half of this. I'm definitely what most people would think of as a more laid-back, easygoing type parent, with a very loud, active and volatile DS2 but you know what? I really like the sound of Lowfatmilkshake. She is open-minded, honest and courageous to express her opinions, be shot down in flames and come back worried that she might be the one who is being over-judgmental! I think you should stay in this little boy's life LFMS - it will do him good to see how other children live. At the same time, if he's happy, his mum's happy etc you will probably just have to accept that that is how they are. But for sure - your house your rules and don't let him speak to you in a way you wouldn't let your own children speak! And btw, can my DS2 come to visit??

Thank you to all those who gave thier support. I am going to continue to encourage DD to play with LB and I am determined to not be so quick to frown on his behaviour - although no more climbing over my baby or up loft ladders - take it or leave it you lot!!

Chattea - you can't have read the whole thread as my second DC is a little boy!! And as I also said I am getting ready to swallow my original words!