Have I just accidentally insulted another mum?

[LowFatMilkshake]

We have new neighbours with a little boy(4) who is in DD(3)'s group at pre-school. I have started chatting to the mum and we had them over today for a playdate. They had one first at their house.

I find her little boy quite precoscious(sp) dominating of his mum, always butting in with "excuse me" and when he doesnt get his own way "mummy dont ignore me" (she was'nt she just wanted him to cross the road at the crossing not near the sweet shop).

Anyway today they had been watching TV for about 10 minutes when they decided to go back into the garden. I said I would turn the TV off and DD said "no mummy" to which I replied - maybe you can have it on later. She agreed and went outside. His mum remarked on how well DD had taken my 'instruction' (for want of a better word). But I did'nt think anything of it - it's just normal behavour in our house. DD made a point I made mine we agreed and that's that. But she questioned it further so I said to the other mum I was pretty strict with DD and dont tolerate misbehaviour at home as I am mortified when DD misbehaves when we are out so set good rules for everywhere - to the point where some of my friends threaten to leave their DC's with me when they are naughty . Then I wondered if by saying this I had insinutated that she was too leniant on her DS?? Especially after her DS's behaviour at our house.

Dont get me wrong DD can be a monkey and is no angel, but while he was here he sat on my sofa picking his nose. He climed over a sleeping baby DS to get at the cat, knocking over hot tea on himself, DS changing bag and the sofa, not to mention falling on DS. He demanded a new top, which I got for him (luckily DD has some unisex t'shirts). Then when they both went in the garden got wet socks he demanded dry ones - again DD has white sports socks which I provided. I gave him crisps and a drink and he asked for more. And not once unless prompted by his mum did I get a please or thankyou. And she did'nt seem overly bothered by his behaviour.

I really like his mum, but I hate to see parents being bossed around by children and following this behaviour am dreading the next time they come round. What makes it worse is he and DD play together at pre-school and I can hear his speech coming out in her with "excuse me" and "actually" and "I'll just do XXX" and worst of all "mum" - she is 3 and I want to be mummy for at least another year or so it's driving me nuts!

Am I a boot camp mum who has insulted a new friend or would you find some of his behaviour unacceptable.

I think she just sounds a lot more child centred in the sense of wanting to do things with him and allowing him to pick activities than you are, maybe because she doesn't have a younger baby to look after.

oh come on how many of us have been at the behavior of children when coming to our houses? How many posts are there on here, on almost a daily basis that "a child came to my house today and was so badly behaved he/she will never be coming back again" I think the op is getting an unnecessary bashing here, and I am 100% with custy.

And yes of course all children are different, and maybe two children raised the same won't behave the same, but maybe that has more to do with the child, and the fact that not all children respond the same to the same parenting methods, eg some will respond to time-out but some won't, some will respond to removal of privilages/toys and some won't, and in some cases, some will respond to a smack. I simply do not believe that some children are just badly behaved and cannot be taught to behave, unless that child has a specific special need that means their behavior will be challenging.

If you go by that filosophy then surely that means that some criminals would be criminals regardless of their upbringing/social background, and that's just crap.

I mostly agree with OO though. girl of 3 and boy of 4 are often a world apart in terms of behaviour, ime.

SM - you make it sound like I keep DD in a box all day .

Actually we are off to make biscuits in a minute.

And Wannabe - Thank you!

mrsflowerpot

You just described my ds2 to a tee

I didn't mean that at all, lfms, honestly. I've just found there's a lot of difference between parents in terms of how far they will go when a kid says eg "I want to chase ladybirds in the front garden" and there is an element of inconvenience about that in some way. Some people will say sod it and go anbd supervise for a while, some will say sorry babe, I can't do that right now let's do something else, some will just say no and leave it at that. None of those responses are wrong per se, imo.

also there's a vast difference between the behavior happening, and the parent allowing the behavior to occur IMO. i.e. (ds) "excuse me, mummy I am talking!" (me) "sorry darling, I will stop what I'm doing - what was it you were saying?" and (ds) "excuse me, mummy I am talking!" (me) "ds, mummy is talking, butting in is rude, when I have finished talking I will listen to you".

You can't always prevent the behavior, esp the cheak, but you can certainly voice your disapproval of it.

and I have a 4 yo ds who is polite, well-mannered, well behaved, and who people comment to me about his lovely nature/behavior, so it can be done.

sometimes you don't like other peoples kids. Its life. Doesnt make them bad parents.

oh I wasn't saying boys are a pain Fio

just I am used to a pink plastic fairy domain and then get ruffians charging about

Mine are fabulous some days and brattish on others

I take no responsibility for them they seem to have a life of their own

oh yeh am with fio re not talking mildly to boys - it just doesn't work, because boys shout, it's what they do.

I screech "I AM ON THE PHONE!!!!!!" at my two all the time

usually to friends however, 3 of whom have 4 children [insane emoticon] each, so they understand

If I said patiently I am on the phone, I would never be able to finish a call, my two would never ever ever say excuse me, they grab my legs or hit each other

and I AM a good parent IMO

I encouraged the ladybird chase in the garden (back garden) I even opened the colector each time they put another one in. Safe happy play I encourage and join in with, Dangerous play I dont!

Right off to make biscuits! Will catch up with this later!

give them smaries olive - no empty smaries on laminate floor so they have to chase after them.

leaving you in peace for ohhhh 5 mins

hi milkshake. you're bringing up DD well. You wont have annoyed the other mother. She may have been a bit and was probably keen to work out what you were doing to get your child to be so good 'in company'

My two pence worth!

I've been a Nanny for 15yrs & have come across several children who's behaviour doesn't exactly fill me with joy & in that case I simply never arrange a playdate at home with said child as it's far easier to deal with it outside your home.

I also feel some Parents don't parent as they would at home for fear of being judged.

sweets?

mung beans in my house

Totally agree with Oliveoil.

I have 2 DS's of 3 and 1, we went to my friend's house yesterday (1 DD of 3 and a baby DS) and I was mortified at the mess my boys made of her pristine playroom. Her DD's toys were beautifully laid out and within a few minutes it was like a hurricane had descended.
Boys are generally more robust and boisterous, I wouldn't have it any other way.

ah but the phone is different. am convinced that children are born with some gene that means it is essential for them to bug you most when you're on the phone.

Enid my ds loves colouring, reading, writing, he sat at his table last week and copied all the writing off his playmobil toys and then brought the paper to us to show us.

but he also does love cars/trains/fire engines, and has recently asked me if he can have some tadpoles

lfms I think also that the safety thing is something we all have different views on though. I allowed my ds to climb up his slide from quite a young age, and also didn't flinch when he stood at the top, whereas my parents were horrified and told him to get down instantly as if he fell he would break his neck and die. If they look after my nephew he's not allowed to climb unaided on the slide and isn't allowed on the big climbing toys at the soft play because "those toys say only from 4 years" (dn is 3.9.

different people have differen threshholds where that's concerned I think, and what to one is ok, is horrific to another.