Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Have I just accidentally insulted another mum?

105 replies

LowFatMilkshake · 27/03/2007 22:08

We have new neighbours with a little boy(4) who is in DD(3)'s group at pre-school. I have started chatting to the mum and we had them over today for a playdate. They had one first at their house.

I find her little boy quite precoscious(sp) dominating of his mum, always butting in with "excuse me" and when he doesnt get his own way "mummy dont ignore me" (she was'nt she just wanted him to cross the road at the crossing not near the sweet shop).

Anyway today they had been watching TV for about 10 minutes when they decided to go back into the garden. I said I would turn the TV off and DD said "no mummy" to which I replied - maybe you can have it on later. She agreed and went outside. His mum remarked on how well DD had taken my 'instruction' (for want of a better word). But I did'nt think anything of it - it's just normal behavour in our house. DD made a point I made mine we agreed and that's that. But she questioned it further so I said to the other mum I was pretty strict with DD and dont tolerate misbehaviour at home as I am mortified when DD misbehaves when we are out so set good rules for everywhere - to the point where some of my friends threaten to leave their DC's with me when they are naughty . Then I wondered if by saying this I had insinutated that she was too leniant on her DS?? Especially after her DS's behaviour at our house.

Dont get me wrong DD can be a monkey and is no angel, but while he was here he sat on my sofa picking his nose. He climed over a sleeping baby DS to get at the cat, knocking over hot tea on himself, DS changing bag and the sofa, not to mention falling on DS. He demanded a new top, which I got for him (luckily DD has some unisex t'shirts). Then when they both went in the garden got wet socks he demanded dry ones - again DD has white sports socks which I provided. I gave him crisps and a drink and he asked for more. And not once unless prompted by his mum did I get a please or thankyou. And she did'nt seem overly bothered by his behaviour.

I really like his mum, but I hate to see parents being bossed around by children and following this behaviour am dreading the next time they come round. What makes it worse is he and DD play together at pre-school and I can hear his speech coming out in her with "excuse me" and "actually" and "I'll just do XXX" and worst of all "mum" - she is 3 and I want to be mummy for at least another year or so it's driving me nuts!

Am I a boot camp mum who has insulted a new friend or would you find some of his behaviour unacceptable.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mishw · 27/03/2007 22:31

I would also find his behaviour irritating. I doubt you offended her (unless you actually told her any of this stuff!) but there really isn;t much you can do. Your DD is going to pick up far workse behaviour and language than that, all you can do is reinforce your ideals. You never know she may well pick up some tips from you and you may learn other stuff from her.

jenwa · 27/03/2007 22:41

It seems your dd is very well behaved and will prob continue to be so if you are firm and stand your ground and let her know that you did not like the behaviour of the litlle boy at your house. I am sure that if you continue bringing up your child well she will be well behaved. You do not sound like a boot camp mum, just a well disciplined loving caring mum who's child is very happy. Your friends child obvioulsy has no boundries and I would not be happy for a child to be like that in my house. (it has happened and its embarrasing and you dont want your child learning that behaviour)

I am sure she will not have taken it to mean her at all as she seems oblivious of her childs behaviour. She would have been apologetic if she thought he was misbehaving or embarrased.
Maybe next time go somewhere else where children can play together (ball pit etc) so it is not in your house and you dont have the stress!

Pruni · 27/03/2007 22:44

Message withdrawn

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Kelly1978 · 27/03/2007 22:49

I dont think you have offended your friend, she might eeven be slightly envious.But I also agree with pruni. You may well have an angelic child at the moment, but I have four, and I'm lucky to have three fairly well behaved, and one little terror, despite them all being brought up the same. I thougth I was a wonderful parent and looked slightly down my nose at some friends until I had dt2. But now I really do think that you do have to adapt your expectations a bit according to the child. There is no way I can ever expect my youngest to behave impeccably, he jsut couldn't. I would follow the mum's cues a bit mroe and try to have a little tolerance.

brimfull · 27/03/2007 22:50

Was about to post someting similar to Pruni,you never know how your ds will turn out do you?

lunablue · 27/03/2007 22:53

It sounds like your DD is very well behaved. He sounds like a boisterous boy, abit clumsy, and that is difficult to deal with when you wouldn't put up with that behaviour in your child but you can't really say anything as his mum's there! I wouldn't have been happy about the climbing over sleeping baby incident AT ALL! But the wet clothes stuff just happens. It's the poor manners that irritate. I bet his mum felt embarrassed at the lack of pleases and thank yous (well I hope she did!) I'm sure you didn't offend her. As for becoming "mum" I felt exactly the same but I'm afraid it will happen alot earlier with your 2nd and it's not too bad, really!

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2007 22:54

I don't think she will take offence from what you said, but forgive me - I do detect an undercurrent of judging from you.

My 2 children are raised exactly the same way with consistent rules (I err on the side of firmness and being strict rather than easy going). Dd (4) is far more compliant than her brother, and her personality and disposition is such that for the main part she likes to please.

Ds however (3 in a couple of weeks time) is tenacious, determined, stubborn, cheeky, likes to push boundaries etc - and can be quite 'naughty' despite a zero tolerance approach.

Children's personalities differ - character plays a large role in behaviour not just the mode of parenting.

Fwiw the behaviour of the boy you described although not exemplary, didn't sound unduly 'awful'

MrsSpoon · 27/03/2007 22:57

Like Pruni and others I don't think it's as simple as I am strict therefore therefore I have a well behaved child, other mother is leniant so her child is badly behaved.

My DS1 calls me Mummy, I refer to myself as Mummy, DH calls me Mummy in front of the children, DS2 calls me "Mum".

DaisyMOO · 27/03/2007 22:57

As the mum of 3 boys and a girl can I just say that it is very difficult to appreciate just how different boys' and girls' behaviour can be, they are just wired differently IME. And quite frankly good behaviour isn't the acid test of good parenting IMHO.

mrsflowerpot · 27/03/2007 22:59

I think you are being a bit precious tbh. Children pick their noses and forget to say please and thank you sometimes.

If you really dislike this child so much I suggest you don't socialise with them, because even if you haven't offended the mum yet, she will pick up on it before long.

wanderingstar · 27/03/2007 23:00

I don't think you'll have insulted her but wait until your ds is a little older...
...he may be like your dd but he may be like my ds3 who's the youngest of 4, and the worst behaved,as a toddler, of all my children. he's 3 and quite likely to behave like your friend's ds, even though he's had the same upbringing etc etc.

But he also has days when his behaviour is impeccable; how often do you see your new neighbour's ds ? Also bear in mind if they've just moved your neighbour's ds may be unsettled, and being demanding due to stress and insecurity.

Or he could be just a nightmare generally...give her and her ds more time I think.

kid · 27/03/2007 23:00

I think you need to compare lots more children to see that his behaviour is not abnormal. I have a DD who is polite, calm and eager to please. I also have a DS that is loud, adventerous and a show off. Both are very different yet both have the same rules to follwo.

Your DD will pick up language you probably would prefer her not to use, but thats just a part of growing up.
DS insists on calling me mum instead of mummy. I chose not to make a fuss of it, he could call me a lot worse (not that he would get away with it!)

Blu · 27/03/2007 23:05

He doesn't sound particularly badly behaved to me!
4 year-olds are just 'blithe' about things like sleeping babies...I would tell my DS not to pick his nose, and would be on his case about 'please and thank you', but for the rest he just sounds lively and self-assured. 4 year-olds are suddenly very very know-it-all so just you wait .

be very proud of your dd, but try to like other kids for who they are?

tinkerbellhadpiles · 27/03/2007 23:08

Maybe she was asking for advice in a backhanded way? I wouldn't worry anyway, if she's offended you won't see much of her and if she's not you'll get better at communicating with each other as you get to know her more.

SittingBull · 27/03/2007 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/03/2007 23:12

He said "excuse me", thats quite good going

Ditto what pruni said.

edam · 27/03/2007 23:16

Agree with VVQ, am puzzled about your reaction to 'excuse me' - sounds polite to me.

Saturn74 · 27/03/2007 23:19

What Pruni said.

MerryMarigold · 27/03/2007 23:26

it depends how 'excuse me' is said, i suppose. 'excuse ME' can be quite sarcastic but i doubt this was the case with a 4 year old!

chipkid · 27/03/2007 23:27

As somebody once said to me "they all get you in the end"-little early to be too smug about your angel IMO. I am also of the view (having had one of these boys myself) that The other child sounds like a normal boisterous boy!

ShinyHappyDalek · 27/03/2007 23:33

I-was-thinking-the-same-re-"excuse-me"!-He-has-clearly-been-taught-not-to-just-butt-in-without-saying-excuse-me-first.That's-polite!

He-is-only-4-after-all.I-think-he-sounds-like-a-normal-little-lad.Other-people's-children-are-bound-to-irriate-you-sometimes-and-so-will-your-own!That's-life-I'm-afraid.

And-saying-"mum"-is-not-the-"worst"-thing-he-could-have-done-surely!

boysontoast · 27/03/2007 23:35

to be fair to everyone so far, i would say that its hard to know what the tone was like when reading the words... i know a 7yo who says the words 'excuse me' and even please and thank you, when he knows he wont get away with not doing anyway, but he is certyainly not being polite...

BUT - with that caveat; what Pruni said!

lisad123 · 27/03/2007 23:36

I dont think you would have upset her with your comment. Im like you, very strict and DD who is 4 years old is very well behaved, most of the time. She has some friends that mis behave when out, and I just count my lucky stars. My friends all know some of our children behave better than others, but we dont judge, just joke that they all misbehave and play up sometimes.
Enjoy your DD while you can, coz when she get to be a teenager, you'll wonder where she went LOL

boysontoast · 27/03/2007 23:39

and theres also a fiundamental question of whether you want your child to grow up as a confident independent relaxed and happy person, or a well-behaved rule-follower who doesnt neccessarily stand up for themselves nor ever risk anything or do anything different or exploratory in life... obv these are extreme exalmples and im not saying one is better than the other, nor that kids who are impolite are dynamic go-getters... just a thought that occured to me when reading your OP...

Marina · 27/03/2007 23:41

What on earth is wrong with "excuse me" and "actually"?
Even well-behaved children (esp boys, I've got one of each and dd's automatic please and thankyou have kicked in a good year earlier) need prompting for the social graces around this age.
He sounds lively, fairly typical, mildly annoying. The tea thing must have been very annoying. But if all this is getting in the way of your enjoying either his company or his mum's then maybe I'd try and find some more compatible friends.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5