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Feedback welcome

166 replies

Othersideofthechannel · 12/03/2007 05:24

My childless by choice friend has just had this published. She's interested in feedback from parents: here

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AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 15:25

But what if it's just biology? Women are designed to want to reproduce, aren't we?

What if this is just a natural mourning for something that I'm hard-wired to want in my body, but realise in my head should probably never be?

I don't necessarily think we should always follow our hearts over our heads.

AitchYouBerk · 14/03/2007 15:28

don't do it then, anna. but you'll always second-guess yourself, that'll be your lot in life. (not to mention the fact that deciding to have children is only the first step, it might not be easy getting pregnant.)

fryalot · 14/03/2007 15:29

what if it is just biology?
If it were to happen, and it were to make you happy and realise that there had previously been a dd or ds shaped hole in your life and now you're complete.
Sometimes, biology is biology for a reason

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Soapbox · 14/03/2007 15:45

There are different ways of looking at this though aren't there?

You make it sound like a happy life is completely random. Did you really end up at a good 5 entirely through luck and good fortune? Or did you shape this outcome to some extent?

I really think that intrinsically happy people tend to remain happy people, no matter what life throws at them. In fact your contented life stands much more chance of being rocked by losing your job/income/readership or your OH, or being in an accident or some other random act than it does through having a child, who will be part of your life forever.

Of course it is a risky business having a child, someone who you are totally and utterly responsible for. But you can manage risk, you can use all of your talents to make a happy life with a child just as well as you can without one.

Believe in yourself and the power within you to create a happy life not just for yourself but also for your children. You can do it - most of us do it, to the best of our abilities.

Go on be reckless, roll that dice...

LilRedWG · 14/03/2007 15:59

It is a risk - only the other day I looked at my DD's vomit covered bedroom floor, she's ten months old, and wailed to my husband, "And I can't even go on safari again for at least 12 years!", then cleaned the mess, tucked her in bed, kissed her head and said, "I can't wait - she'll LOVE going on safari!"

But, I think that's the thing. I do mourn our fantastic holidays of the past and the travel and high life, but I can't wait to share it all with DD when she's old enough!

Soapbox · 14/03/2007 16:01

There's not that many places you can't take them though And biulding sandcastles has so much more street cred when you have a child with you

LilRedWG · 14/03/2007 16:04

Totally agree. The point I was trying to make was that our exotic holidays haven't finished, they're just on hold until the LO is old enough to enjoy them.

We went to CenterParcs last week and we'll be making that an annual thing and I cannot wait to take her to the beach this summer

Life's what you make it! I could sit and say, "but I want this that and the other", but that would mean going back to work, which I'm not - and I never thought I'd make that decision!

hunkermunker · 14/03/2007 16:07

Tell you what, Anna (welcome, btw - keep posting!) - have a baby and if you don't like it, I'll have it

[flippant]

AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 16:09

I like THAT idea!

StrangeTown · 14/03/2007 16:19

Loving Soapy's post.

Twiglett · 14/03/2007 17:14

You know there's actually 2 different worlds and they're separated by a one-way mirror

you're on the other side Anna .. you can only see yourself in the reflection, and that's fine .. because the self you see is happy and comfortable and content and you're ambitions lie with what you know

But if you were on the other side of the mirror you'd be able to see what its really like to have your own child, because believe me a niece or nephew or a friend's child is not enough a shallow reflection of a reflection (to stretch the analogy to breaking point ) of what it actually feels like.

But whilst we're this side of the one-way mirror we can see you and remember how that feels .. and yes on some levels envy you your serenity and calm and confidence and clean white couch ..

But I wouldn't swap sides with you for all the money in the world .. for whilst you have the material niceties and liberty of no responsibility it just looks a little empty from here

sorry .. but it really does

and for the intelligent women who inhabit this particular cyber-space to all share the same feelings .. it must say something

I can't see it as choosing sensibly (sorry) I can only see it as missing out

hunkermunker · 14/03/2007 17:34

Sorted, then, Anna - off you go and conceive and I won't expect a newborn baby because you will fall in love with him or her and the idea of giving your firstborn to a oddly-named stranger online will make you whimper.

Oh, you might wonder what a full night's sleep is like for a while, but you'll get one of those again.

Agree totally with Twiglett - see, Anna, we know what it was like NOT to have children, so we can totally empathise (I know I can, having not really actually wanted to have children all that much initially).

Twiglett · 14/03/2007 17:37

your ambitions lie

wtf is wrong with me today

a hundred apologies from a pedant extraordinaire

AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 17:49

That's true - only you guys know what it's like from both sides and it certainly seems that most mums on the site are more than happy with their lot.

But it can't be fair to make a new life when you're not at all certain.

Surely children should be born because there's nothing more in the world that the parents want than that little child.

fryalot · 14/03/2007 17:53

Anna, you are quite right.

From reading your article, I think that there is nothing in the world you want more than that little child.

Just my perception of it though.

Original poster
Othersideofthechannel · 14/03/2007 17:56

Hi honey, just wanted to say welcome. Gotta go get the kids to bed now but will pop back later.

OP posts:
AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 17:58

Say bon nuit from me! )

beckybrastraps · 14/03/2007 18:02

I wasn't a much-wanted child. I was a mistake. Until I was born, and then I couldn't have been more loved or wanted. It doesn't always follow.

hunkermunker · 14/03/2007 18:13

Noooooooo, I had a child because there was nothing more that I wanted than when I was 65 and I had blood relatives I could nag into inviting me over for Sunday lunch

You mean there are other reasons?!

lulumama · 14/03/2007 18:30

anna - what bigger reason can there be for having a child, than wanting a child? i never wanted kids, i wanted to be a hot shot lawyer....now a SAHM , a trainee doula with two children, who make my heart sing ....

whatever you decide ultimately, i wish you a happy and content life x

AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 18:34

Can I ask you all how having a baby has affected your relationship with your husband/partner? That's maybe one of the biggie worries for me.

I always thought having a child together would bring you so much closer as a couple, but it's not really what I've observed in practise on the whole.

hunkermunker · 14/03/2007 18:46

It's better.

Honestly.

I have never felt closer to him - we share something nobody else in the world will share - we are parents to our DSs.

He was never particularly interested in babies - wouldn't hold them, thought they were dull.

You'd be hard pushed to find a more hands-on, enthusiastic, brilliant dad - and there's nothing more attractive, IMO, than watching a man being tender with his children.

fryalot · 14/03/2007 18:49

sometimes when we go through a bad patch, one of us will catch the other one looking at one of the little ones.... the other one says "we did that" and everything is alright again.

Not saying it's perfect, not saying that we don't have to work at it, but we have such a bond now that making up is so much easier.... before one of us always had to back down and say sorry, now we just focus on the kids and whatever the problem was is so much easier to sort out.

Obviously couples with children do split up, but I believe that our kids have made us closer.

Twiglett · 14/03/2007 18:52

God I wasn't 'there's nothing more I want more than a child'

I was .. 'shit I don't want to turn 50 and never have had children but I don't feel ready .. oh buggerit lets see ... feck that didn't take long'

and it was surreal throughout my first pregnancy .. and if I'm honest when DS was born it was surreal for a couple of months

but it was wonderfully surreal

and I had a big career, was fairly high up in my field .. had achieved all my ambitions so this was the what's next stage

have never regretted it .. although it is like a bomb goes off in your nice safe materially perfect world I will admit

but what a bomb .. its fab!

I did find your article incredibly sad because you don't sound positive about your decision .. and my fear would be that someone like you will leave it too late and turn round at 50 and think is that it?

beckybrastraps · 14/03/2007 18:52

Affected it? Of course.

For the worse? I don't think so.

Having a baby changes the whole dynamic. We are part of a family as well as a couple. It isn't as simple as saying better or worse IMO. It is different.

But we are still wife and husband, as well as mum and dad.

But I do think you need to be careful who you have a baby with...