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Feedback welcome

166 replies

Othersideofthechannel · 12/03/2007 05:24

My childless by choice friend has just had this published. She's interested in feedback from parents: here

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
LilRedWG · 12/03/2007 12:04

Just red my post - and it's vomit worthy, but I don't care! Having DD is the best thing ever we've ever done.

LilRedWG · 12/03/2007 12:04

read not red

ENTP · 12/03/2007 12:07

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fryalot · 12/03/2007 12:08

I think that is a woman DESPERATE to have children.

She sounds as if she is trying to convince herself, and maybe her dh that she doesn't want them, but she so does.

I found it very perceptive, but quite heartbreaking

NotAnnaFish · 12/03/2007 12:12

i am childless by choice.

the reasons for this are nothing to do with clean sofas and a tidy lawn - she says it all in the first bit " a decision." for me, having children has always seemed an alien concept, and I think it's something you either want/need (most people) or just don't (only a few of us)

i don't think you can make that sort of decision with your head, only your heart.
i know i don't want children but i would struggle to explain why - i don't feel the need, maybe? i read the article and i agree she seems sad about her decision, but i'm none the wiser as to why she's made it.

i very much enjoy being an auntie and godmother, i'm not anti-children at all.

i was pointed at this by a mumsnetter friend, btw.

hunkerkerplunker · 12/03/2007 12:21

NAF, totally respect your decision and understand the choice to have children is very individual and not something everybody wants.

But this woman does, IMO.

ENTP · 12/03/2007 12:40

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LilRedWG · 12/03/2007 13:59

NAF - also totally respect your decision, and abhore that you are expected by some parts of society the need to explain your reasoning/decision.

However, I do think that the woman who wrote this piece has not made the decision she really wants and is looking for validation, which, sadly, she will not get. As you said, the decision is a deeper one than worrying about sofas.

zookeeper · 12/03/2007 15:59

it seems clear to me that she desperately wants a baby

zookeeper · 12/03/2007 16:00

child pressed post button - didn't mean to sound so terse! i feel sorry for her

kittypants · 12/03/2007 16:09

i think it s good and a good insight into an unknown world from my point of view.sad but very well written!

kitbit · 12/03/2007 17:03

wow, very emotional writing, and I agree, it feels as though it's full of regret. I wonder if she was asking for feedback in order for people to say to her "it's OK to change your mind you know"! It can be very hard to change your position if you've spent quite a long time there.

Othersideofthechannel · 12/03/2007 20:37

Anna Fish responds: "The responses are so interesting - I'm oddly chuffed that I made a lot of them cry!

I think the mums are right - a big part of me does want a child, no doubt about it. But it's such a risk, when there's an (at least equal-sized) bit of me that thinks I might regret it. It's one of those 'left or right' type of choices, in that you can never find out what left held if you choose to go right. When the decision is as huge as to whether to create a life - well, you just can't risk regretting making a little person, can you?

To be honest it's not really about sofas or lawns much at all - I'm not quite that shallow!

I suppose the thing that makes me worry most, is the fact that every single time I've visited friends with kids or have had them here, even just for the day (not yours of course ;o)) we've come away sighing with relief and saying, "blimey - wouldn't want to do that full-time!" But then everyone says it's different when they're yours... but how can you know for sure until you take the plunge and do it?

I think a big part of me is already regretting the decision: no secret there! I think most women are probably quite maternal - it's how we're made isn't it?

I thought I'd ask my friends with kids "Is it like this? This is how it looks to me" as a sort of check. V getting pregnant again really made me feel a pang of "Am I really certain I want to turn this down?" I thought I'd make sure that I am turning down what it seems to me I'm turning down from observing you guys and your babes. I'd half been expecting replies of "actually, you're painting a rather rosier-Boden catalogue style version of things" but most have said it's just like I wrote and much, much better.

It's impossible to imagine from the outside looking in, what it's really like being a mum.

Feel free to pop any bit of this email on the page if you want to. Feels kind of odd, all these strangers talking about me, (and maybe not liking me much!) but it's actually really helpful.

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foxybrown · 12/03/2007 21:01

Great that the author responded - really interesting to get her view on the comments. She seems to have a pretty good understanding of aspects of motherhood. I'd like to wish her all the best, but do tell us if she changes her mind!

zookeeper · 12/03/2007 21:17

Hi Anna, thanks for posting. I think that very few things in life can be certain but is that a good reason for not doing those things? I suppose there is the risk that you might regret having a child. But from your posts the risk that you might regret having not had a child seems to be greater.

If you had a child life as you know it would change, but not neccessarily for the worse.

I wouldn't worry about feeling relieved about leaving other people's children - it is different with your own. If I'm honest the only children I like are my own and I can't be alone.

for me, having children is a bit like being in love - at times they exasperate and infuriate me but I would gladly die for them.

Having children is not for everyone, I know, but there is a wistfulness in your writing that makes me feel that you do want a child.

does your dp feel the same way?

hopefully somebody rather more articulate than me will come along soon...

Waswondering · 12/03/2007 21:32

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LilRedWG · 12/03/2007 21:43

Anna - I don't think anyone would dislike you for your writing.

If anything I think it has reminded us all how tough a decision it can be. As I said earlier, I had many reservations (even though DD was hard fought for) right up until the day she was born; and yes, there have been moments when I've though "Oh my God - what am I doing?", but they last a millisecond and she is worth every bit of pain and anguish. As Zookeeper so brilliantly said, it is like being in love.

I hope you have a very happy future what ever decision you make!

ENTP · 12/03/2007 22:15

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Baysmum · 12/03/2007 22:27

Reading this makes me worry so much about my younger sister who has also made the decision to be childless whilst being the most amazing person with children EVER. She says (prob true) that I just dont understand as I have always wanted children and so could never comprehend her reasons. I think it has a lot to do with her dp who already has a son who was not actually v much wanted and who def doesnt want another. I just hope she doesnt regret it further down the line. Recently she has started saying 'never say never' re kids.

Baysmum · 12/03/2007 22:31

oooh sugar, just seen another thread on this subject which has got a bit nasty. Just ignore me, or at least dont shout!

Sakura · 12/03/2007 23:01

Isnt it written by someone who has no choice, perhaps with infertility issues? It was so sad that it moved me. It seems that the author knows this, so it doesnt seem like shes <span class="italic">choosing</span> this option. But if she really is, then what can I say? YOure making the biggest mistake of your life, and youll regret it? A friend of mine had her first child lateish (37), and decided not to have another. She makes no secret of the fact that for <span class="italic">her</span>, this is the biggest regret of her life. We dont regret the things we do, we regret the things we don`t do.

Sakura · 12/03/2007 23:08

sorry, to be clear. she regrets never having had another

hunkerismunkerless · 13/03/2007 00:47

Anna, I felt like you about other people's children. I honestly did. How could they be bothered to have these little demanding creatures around them all the time? Pestering. Sticky-fingered. Crusty. Runny-nosed. I too came away thinking "phew, not for me, not yet, if ever!"

Then I was told I couldn't have children.

And it made me think about it in a different way. Never?

That seemed very final. Very much as though my life, which had been full of choices, had one path, a cold one, full of visits to galleries, fancy restaurants, peaceful evenings in a beige living room, city breaks not beach holidays, perhaps some tasteful candles on the hearth, immaculate lawn.

And that didn't seem like such a good swap, to me. I wanted to feel a baby move inside me, to pat my tummy and talk to my unborn child, to experience giving birth, to nourish my baby with my body, to feel a closeness to a human being that you don't get, ever, unless you have a child.

Five years later, I took fertility drugs and had scans to check I was producing enough but not too many eggs. I saw the one egg I did produce that month on the scan, on my birthday. That egg will be three next month. His little brother is just one.

I still don't like other people's children much (except a handful of children I know well) - but my own? I cannot imagine a deeper love for anybody. I can't tell you that it will be the same for you, but anybody who can conjure up such an emotional picture of what their never-to-be child is like has clearly thought about it more than somebody who doesn't want children ever.

I won't lie. It is hard. But it is hard in a very good way and the best thing I have ever done. And although there are days I would happily sleep for Britain, there's never been a second I've regretted swapping the path with the beige room, the candles on the hearth and the immaculate lawn for the one with my two boys. And it just gets better as they get bigger.

I think you have nothing to lose by having children - and everything to gain. If you were set on not having children, I don't think you could have written the article.

I feel for you. I think you are where I was ten years ago - and I might still be there had I not been told I couldn't have children. Because when I'm told I can't do something...well, it makes me want to!

I look forward to hearing of your pregnancy (and I bet that sent a thrill through you, reading that)

AitchYouBerk · 13/03/2007 00:58

anna, it's worth the risk, believe me. you will love your child and they will love you. and you will weep salty tears when you see them lying in their cot and you realise that you did the rightest of right things. good luck with everything.

AbominableSnowMum · 13/03/2007 01:11

Hunker - you can't make me cry...

Oh bugger - you already did.