Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Feedback welcome

166 replies

Othersideofthechannel · 12/03/2007 05:24

My childless by choice friend has just had this published. She's interested in feedback from parents: here

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
fortyplus · 13/03/2007 01:20

dh drove me to hospital when I was in labour with ds1 and I can remember looking down at my bump and thinking 'What if I don't like this person that's coming to live with us for the next 18 years?'

I wouldn't have considered myself at all maternal.

I ended up as a full time sahm - it felt like the most important, wonderful thing I'd ever done... everything prior to that paled into insignificance and I just wished that I'd done it earlier (I was 32 when I has ds1).

Go for it!

AbominableSnowMum · 13/03/2007 01:23

I have three children, and each one of them is an 'accident'. I have spent most of my life trying not to be pregnant, yet I still have three. With the last one I even outwitted the best efforts of the medical profession as I had a mirena coil, and still, here she is.

We have now gone down the 'he gets the snip' route. He had his results back and is sperm free. But as I have not had a period since DD was born I was still concerned that I might still me PG, so I made him buy a test. I finally got the courage to take the test, and even though there is no way that I wanted to be pg, I still mourned for a few minutes when it was neg.
I have had my last child.
I will not carry another, feel them kick inside, feel the hickups inside!, feel the miracle of their birth. I will not breastfeed another, bath a tiny, tiny body, and have that all consuming concern for a little, helpless bundle. And the all consuming joy at every one of their achievements, their smiles, hugs and love. The worry and wanting to do the best for them.

It is the best thing in my life (and when I was younger I wanted to be an actuary!!!!)

zookeeper · 13/03/2007 08:56

where are you Anna?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
zookeeper · 13/03/2007 08:56

...Mothercare?

Original poster
Othersideofthechannel · 13/03/2007 11:20

I'm sure she's reading all this but so far doesn't have a mumsnet ID. The previous response was copied and pasted from an email she sent me. (With permission)

OP posts:
Original poster
Othersideofthechannel · 13/03/2007 18:49

More from Anna: "Perhaps you could pass on my thanks to the mums - the comments have been really interesting and it was really helpful as people were so honest about their different views.

I found this quote by a doctor on a website in an article entitled "Do I want a baby?"

?This is a big commitment. If the decision to have a child is a close call, don't do it.
No matter how much you estimate what the sacrifices and demands will be, you're not even close.? "

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 13/03/2007 18:51

Ah, but the same goes for the rewards....

littlelapin · 13/03/2007 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hunkermunker · 13/03/2007 22:07

OSOTC, I underestimated the sacrifices and demands. WAY underestimated.

But I also underestimated the rewards and the joy. And if I'd gone to my grave never feeling it, my grave would be a colder place than it will be now. I know that for certain. So the sacrifices and demands are nothing by comparison. And as I say, I WAS debating whether or not to have children when I was told I couldn't.

(Sorry, ASM for making you cry. And thanks, LL xx)

ENTP · 14/03/2007 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AitchYouBerk · 14/03/2007 12:20

yes, well, we all know that doctors know everything about children, don't we?

Lovecat · 14/03/2007 12:41

Lovely post, Hunker.

I can kind of see where Ms Fish is coming from, although not in terms of blackcurrant-free sofas (the OH has a serious ribena habit!)...

As I've posted elsewhere, we had a failed ivf attempt that was so traumatic I decided (the OH just kind of went along with me) that we would not try again and resigned ourselves to childlessness.

Over the next 5 years I then created a life for myself that did not 'need' children in it - I developed my career, bought myself a horse (big childhood dream fulfilled) and threw myself into amateur theatre, acting and directing. I had a great social life, money was not an issue, took fab holidays and enjoyed my nephews and nieces as they came along. I won't say that it wasn't a wrench at times, particularly in the beginning, but the sadness I felt at being unable to have a child diminished over the years.

Then the OH persuaded me back into ivf... I only agreed because I didn't think it would work, just to shut him up, 3 years on and our dd is two.

And although I wouldn't be without her, I'd be a liar if I didn't say I feel a tug in the other direction when I see my childless friends gaily jetting off to Barcelona for a weekend, or going on all-day riding jaunts, or even going to the theatre more than once a year! Not being able to buy whatever I want whenever I want and having to put my interesting and fulfilling career on the backburner has been a massive adjustment too.

HOWEVER (and this is a huge however!), the moment I looked down at dd in my arms in the delivery theatre, I realised there had been a dd-shaped hole in my life that was now filled. And I'm so happy I allowed the OH to persuade me back to the clinic!

I'm welling up as I write this (aargh!) - my career can wait, money's not so tight that life is miserable, those city breaks will still be there for the future, in 2 years time my eldest niece will be up for babysitting for nights at the theatre, in years to come I can always buy another horse and dd and I can ride out together...

So yes, your life will change utterly. Yes, you'll be pretty much constantly exhausted and barely have a moment to yourself and will wonder wtf you've done this for... but it's also rather wonderful. I suppose you have to ask yourself will the regrets be so great that they'll come to consume you in later years?

Tortington · 14/03/2007 13:02

it would make ap oor mother who spouted " i regret having my children" and i have neer come accross someone who admitted that fact.

i think Anna knows as well as she can via her descriptiveness in her text on what she is sacrificing. We can cry " alas, you will never know" but she seems to have excellent comprehension of that which she will never know.

i work with a manager, his wife recently went to have an operation to certify thier childless existance. and i wondered who they were working for!

they have a house worth at least 1/2 mill up a country lane modernised to the highest standard. I couln't work out why they would work so hard for something without children to benefit from their industry.

i cannot say that i wished i had never had children. becuase i have three great children. But i don't knwo whether i cannot say it for being the poor mother mentioned inteh first line. I do not consider myself a poor mother.

i can say i await with much glee and rubbing of hands the end of the next 5 years when hopefully they will have all left. My life is bound by their life. I hate that. I want to make huge decisions about my life without wondering what the consequences to my children are.

Lovecat · 14/03/2007 14:37

Custardo, you haven't met my mum, then...

I've lost count of the no. of times she's said 'well, I don't really like children... I'm not the least bit maternal... I never really wanted any at all, I wanted to emigrate to NZ and write poetry... but then I met your dad' (she has 5 of us, btw)

Then there's a bit of a pause, while she realises how that sounds, and 'oh, but I wouldn't be without any of you... really...'

AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 14:43

I hadn't intended to sign up, but can't resist. And it's not fair to keep badgering OtherSideOfTheChannel to post messages for me!

Wanted to thank LoveCat for her post. From all the responses, it seems to me that her last line sums the dilemma up:

"Yes, your life will change utterly. Yes, you'll be pretty much constantly exhausted and barely have a moment to yourself and will wonder wtf you've done this for... but it's also rather wonderful."

That's kind of how it seems to me, looking at you guys who have kids. It looks messy, chaotic, unbearably noisy and relentless, but at the heart of it all, there's something so very incredibly precious.

sunnysideup · 14/03/2007 14:58

well, totally agree, she obviously really wants a child!

sunnysideup · 14/03/2007 14:59

oops, hadn't read all thread. Hi Anna. I don't think anyone who has imagined so deeply and in such detail, what it might be like, can NOT want to do it, in their heart of hearts........

Lovecat · 14/03/2007 15:00

you're welcome, Anna

I read your letter in last week's Grauniad (always read the Family section for that godawful teenager thing - and pray mine doesn't end up like that!) and it struck a chord at the time.

I think 'relentless' is a good word... it hadn't ocurred to me before it was too late that you're not allowed to be ill when there's a small child in the house!

AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 15:07

Deep down I do, you're right. I just wish there was a way you could somehow fast forward life, to see how your choices turn out.

I know the likelihood is, I wouldn't regret it, because how can you regret making a little person? I've yet to hear a mum say they regret having a baby and quite right too. You just can't say that about a life.

What I want to avoid though, is ending up there, with the baby and a sinking heart, wishing I'd listened to all my doubts.

The trouble is, I really love my life as it is now. There was a quote from The Office where Tim said that making choices in life was a bit like rolling a dice.

And my life's a good 5. Yes, I might choose to roll the dice and get a 6: love being a mum, no regrets whatsoever.

But what if I rolled the dice and got a 4 or a 2?

AitchYouBerk · 14/03/2007 15:08

lovecat, am pmsl at your mum. she said the same thing exactly. she had four of us and still claims that she's not maternal...

AnnaFish · 14/03/2007 15:09

I read that column about teenagers too - the way they speak to their mother is just appalling!

I must stop posting here - I'm meant to be working... it's a bit addictive once you get going.

fryalot · 14/03/2007 15:10

Anna - if you roll the dice and get a 4 or a 2 or even a 1.... you'll still love them with all your heart and never regret it.

and you're right, it's very addictive.

sunnysideup · 14/03/2007 15:14

It is scary Anna, I agree. My life was rolling along nicely too before we decided to try for a baby. And it is a big step into the unknown, and things can go wrong of course....in the end, either you decide to go for it and accept what comes, or you don't.

To be perfectly honest, if I felt as you do, I would think there's a big chance that in the future you will have regrets about not trying....some people say you more regret the things in life that you didn't do, rather than the things you did.

However I'm not someone who thinks that everyone will love having kids, or should have them....someone who is absolutely certain, should stick to their choice, and life without kids can be rewarding and fantastic too...but I don't think you are certain......

my personal experience was that I was non-maternal all my life, not really any good with kids...but ds came along and he's absolutely the love of my life. No-one else will ever compare to him (specially as he's a singleton )

Twiglett · 14/03/2007 15:16

I read this this weekend and tbh I read it and felt incredibly sorry for them .. incredibly incredibly sorry

Twiglett · 14/03/2007 15:22

boy this reminds me of AmericanAngle .. I think some people think too much .. and by thinking that much I believe you do yourself out of one of the greatest joys of being human and you will never experience the kind of love and joy you can have for your own child.

I never wanted children in my 20s
we just went for it in my 30s
I'm still not that keen on other people's kids

but mine make my world!

and its sad that you will never experience that because IMHO you've made a decision against life rather than for it

the chaos and joy are intermixed