Classic mother in law quotes...What's yours?!

[manuka]

Mine has just said this beauty - [with reference to 8month old dd who had woken from nap and was grizzling, clearly not going to go back to sleep] "Why don't you just leave her until she's screaming her head off?" !!! I thought that was a real corker and had to share that with you all!!!
She had in fact pooed herself and got stuck in a crazy position in her cot so on reflection I'm glad I didn't follow mil's advice.

Oh, oh and also....

She repeatedly tells my DD that my DS1 is such a clever boy for being dry day and night (not that amazing considering he is 3), she then says to DD (6) every time, "Its such a shame you'll never be able to do that"

DD has physical SN but is very bright and the last time she said it DD turned round to her and said "Yes, but he'd look totally stupid in a dress"

Think my one has to be the following....
after MIL returned from a walk in the buggy with DS when he was about 6 months old (the days when I was still breast feeding him). I say to DS "Ahh did you miss mummy whilst you were out?"
MIL butts in and says the following " No because he wasn't hungry"

Glad to read it's not just me then...
A couple from my mil-
just under 2 weeks since I had given birth to beautiful twins (and with a three year old already) she comes to visit. First thing she says to me (bearing in mind we hadn't spoken on the phone since the boys were born)- "oh my god you look exhausted!" Really!? Well that's a surprise...!
The second one which was whilst I was pregnant with the twins- "well you won't be so precious about these ones- you won't be able to wait to hand them over." er.... From the woman who only left her child for a moment (my dh) and found him pouring a bottle of bleach over himself aged 2...
Aaargh!

As a new young mum we were having work done on our house so when I came out of hospital we stayed with MIL and FIL for a while (too long). She tried to take over the baby (DD). The one thing she could not understand was feeding on demand (I breast fed). She would constantly look at her watch every time I fed the baby and ask rather accusingly, "Is this the ten o'clock feed then?" when it was plainly quarter to nine. Every single time. She was a great advocate of the "let them cry" regime and the "they can only be hungry when I say" one. God knows how she successfully breast fed four children - they must have done a lot of crying.

My MIL at the christening of my first dc, six weeks after I had miscarried:

'I wonder if I'll have any more gcs. DIL1 is no good [SIL had emergency hysterectomy and longed for more kids] and DIL2 doesn't want any more... i I guess it is down to third DIL3'

I am DIL4 and did have the next gc

My MIL said about my inconsolable baby DD:

"Just put some brandy in her bottle, it used to work a treat for mine" (i.e. my DH, no wonder he gets a bit ratty at 47 years old without a little daily dose of alcohol)"

And MIL being a skinny size 10, she regularly insists to me in relaying gossip about other people that she is surprised that "big people are actually quite nice". I am a size 22, trying not to take it personally though

With a 'I know what the answer's going to be, I know what you're like' sort of look and tone of voice mine said just before starting weening DS 'I suppose you'll be wanting to make your own baby food' and when I said yes I got 'well, you should really use the jars at least at first, you just wont know how bland baby food needs to be'. Err?!

And one I shall never really be able to totally forgive her for was about my wedding dress. It was not white but was quite bridal looking and a sort of tarnished gold colour. I had told DH the dress was not white but was still quite bridal looking. MIL had seen the dress (clearly wasn't keen) and knew that I was not letting on details to anyone, including DH. When she thought I was out of ear shot I heard her say to DH 'I think I should really talk to you about FBs wedding dress, I don't want you to be disapointed on the day, well it's (dramatic pause) brown' Grrr. It was NOT brown. And she knew I'd already spoken to DH about it and told him all I wanted him to know. Goodness knows how many other people she felt it necesary to prepare for the shock!

She's alright really though.

Mine said, on a visit to her and FIL's when DD1 was about 8 weeks old,

"We need to teach mummy how to pack for baby, don't we?" whilst holding DD, dressed in a warm outfit but WITHOUT A VEST! MY GOD! HOW WILL THIS CHILD SURVIVE! and cooing at her in her patronising-fucking-way. I pointed out that I had packed about 3000 vests, but DD had decided to either wee, poo or vomit on EVERY SINGLE ONE and that the child was not going to die of hypothermia in centrally-heated suburbia.

Fucking old cow.

My MIL is pretty benign but she's very eccentric and a heavy drinker. She had an identical twin (now dead) who was less benign though - I discovered after her death that she held me responsible for the demise of DH's second marriage, which though untrue explained a lot. Anyway, 10 years ago I was just pg with DD, my first child, DH's third and her umpeenth grandchild. One evening when she'd been round to ours (she lived nearby) and was fairly drunks, shortly before she squatted in our drive and had a pee, yes, really, she had a massive go at me for sitting too near a computer screen. I remember the words "she cares about hummus and orange juice but she doesn't care about that!" A fairly normal evening with MIL.

Another frequent refrain of hers to DH "I know you're not happy" - oh eff off!

On the whole though she's very well-meaning and has the tact to live a couple of hundred miles away and doesn't drive Having said that, she still managed to get to the hospital within 36 hours of DD's birth. She didn't do anything wrong, but I really could have lived without her throwing in her two penn'orth when I was at my wits' end trying to BF - I don't like letting it all hang out emotionally in front of people I don't know really well, which wasn't helping.

Her twin I never liked and tbh don't mourn, cruel though that sounds. She once licked - yes, actually ^licked^ DD - and said "there, she's mine now", evil cow. DD has no memory of her and thank god DH didn't want her name included in DD's middle names. I was glad the next one was a boy as I could see that one rearing its head again! When DH and I went off on honeymoon, leaving then 4 yo DD in my parent's eminently capable hands, evil twin texted me - ME! - to say we were dreadful and wrong for leaving DD as she was so upset that we'd left. Thanks, hope you enjoyed our special day too

"He's absolutely gorgeous all over...except he has your nose" :(

Some of these are awful but :o.

My mil and fil aren't too awful but were literally jumping for joy when I finally gave in and topped my ds up with formula (on health visitor's advice) as bf is "just not enough for babies" .

The worst in my family is my grandmother, who seems to think she has ownership of ds. She sulked and sulked after I asked if she would mind not coming to the hosp after he was born and visiting us at home. We were only in for 3 days! She didn't even ring me to congratulate, instead sending me a message on face book! When she did come to visit she made stupid comments the whole time like "don't you ever put that baby down?!", errr no he is a few days old ffs and I don't actually want to. "oh my god oh my god, his hands are freezing, they've turned blue!! Ring an ambulance!" His hands were a little cold as we had just come in but they were definitely not blue! This was followed by "well I just worry that he's cold because I love him." Yeah and we hate him. And "where does that baby sleep?", "in bed with me and oh.", "that's just wrong and disgusting!" . "it's 7pm, why is that baby not in his crib yet? Babies need to know that bed is for bed time!" He was a few days old!

We were in the process of doing the house up when DS1 was bborn.
We had no central heating in and we had no internal doors.
Bearing in mind it was August I thought my mum was being a bit over the top with ' Oh Upahill, how will this baby survive' She was dead serious.
I did try and explain that babies are born within the arctic circle and people do have children despite living in Siberia but she wasn't convinced!

I've got thousands from my mum but the morning after I had DS1 Dh had arranged visiting.

He arranged for my best friend to visit at lunch time because she had 3 buses to catch and there was none running in the evening also she was skint and a taxi would have been very expensive for her. He arranged for my parents to visit that evening because they lived 200 miles away and it would give them time to come up and have the longer visiting time.

Good plan? No my mum dad, nan, grandad, sister, her son and 2 brothers turn up at lunch time shoving best friend away.

I had been stiched, had a diffficult birth, just had a bout of diahorea before they came in. Mum starts taking loads of pictures.A few weeks later looking at the pictures she says ' you have an awful sulky face, would it of killed yu to smile!!!'

Classic from my MIL, ' you really take me for granted, doing all these jobs for you, I'm constantly cleaning and making meals and you do nothing'. She is a complete control freak so I've learnt to take a back seat in my own home and just let her get on with it. Well no more, lesson learnt, she can sit down and I will do it all when she's here.

The day after delivery my MIL took me aside in the hospital and seized me by the arm - whispering "do you have enough milk??' Followed by endless comments as I struggled with BF in the first few weeks such as 'Is your milk rich enough?' and 'He's probably crying because there isn't enough milk'. Or 'he's crying because you feed him too often', 'the reason he feeds so much is because the milk isn't rich enough...' With that and the mastitis it's a wonder I am still BFing now at 5 months.
Oh and after my waters broke three weeks early and I had to be induced, 'it's because you were still working - or did you have gum disease, that causes premature labour."

She was a school secretrary, I am a teacher and work part time, I am a member of the senior leadership team . More than once she has said, "of course I could have progressed in my career but I always chose to put my family first"!

My DH's nephew started walking at 9 months. I commented to MIL that is a record in the family, she replied "That's because his mammy doesn't work and stays at home with him".

Oooh, mine were all on smoked salmon on brown toast at that age (12 weeks)

My MIL is lovely but has no concept of Too Much Information.

I was quite impressed to hear that orgasmic birth really is feasible and not a myth.
I could have done without the half hour explanation of how great MrNC's brother's birth was and how this compared to her usual orgasms with FIL.

Actually I could have also done without hearing said orgasms most nights when staying at their house... thank god they've moved and the guest room is now on the other side of the house!!!

My MIL is a saint. The only strange thing she said to me was, about 3 months after DH and I had met and the first time I met MIL and FIL, 'you know we wouldn't mind if you got pregnant without being married...'

A friend's XMIL visited a few days after her DD was born and, watching friend bfeeding the baby, said "does she always feed at this time? It's just that I have to go in 10 minutes" and (also whilst friend was bfeeding) "can you hold her in a different position? I can't see her very well like that".

Unbelievable.

"'I'm just going down the Paki shop, oh you can't call it that anymore can you.............'"

"I hope you aren't going to breastfeed, you will ruin your breasts and they will be horrible forever". I breastfed.

My MIL accused me of having PND because I kept picking my DS up when he cried.... He was 2 months old

me mc number 5. In hospital all night contracting every 10 minutes all night till i had passed the baby. i was dizzy, sick and washed out.

telephone rings....twas mil...
Me "hello" groggy, in pain and feeling shite, dragged myself off the sofa to the phone hoping it was dh ringing to see how i am.

MIL " ooh, you dont sound good?"

Ds at my feet, "mummy mummy mummy mummy"
Me "no, got out of hospital this morning after mc, ive got pain but cant take the tablets they gave me because they knock me out and i have got ds"

MIL "Oh, is xx (DH) there, my car needs MOT.
Me "SILENCE......." why dont you text him, he has had to pop to work, will be back in about an hour"
MIL "ok, will do, see you"

chunner chunner chunner.....feck fuck feck....