Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Pmsl... feministas

There fealty is no "fair" solution to any of this.

The scenario I suggested was just because I feel it is the one that will cause the least damage to relationships already in existence.

I think it is up to OP, but I expect my husband to be loyal to me 100%. The child was the result of an affair, not a pre existing relationship.
He should pay maintenance, but anything over and above that or the suggestion of it would spell the end of that second chance for me. Sorry, just trying to let the op know where I would stand on the issue and I suspect many women would if it actually happened to them.

I also find the idea that he should favour the youngest because she is a child pretty ridiculous. I know it is the easy stance to take, but it is definately not the stance I would take. Emotional damage can be inflcited on adults as easy as it can on children and I don't accept that either are ok. The child will also be an adult one day.

Giving a child less maintenence (as long as it is a fair amount/what the authorities would expect) and expecting mum to contribute is a shitty decision, but is likey to be less hurtful for all people involved in the long run. Especially if she hardly knows him. Any more than that is just more betrayal in my eyes.

Oh and you said you could see how lovely kids were now and found that harder when your daughter young.
That's because you lived with her and didn't just get to see her as a cute kid you get to visit for a while every couple of months.

OMG please don't encourage the op to undo all the good work he has done.
infinity is absolutely correct as far as the polish daughter goes.
His older daughter should also know, albeit after a short while so his wife can get her head round it first. You are advocating more secrets and lies. I just can't get my head round that.

I understand that, but he has done the right thing telling his wife. He needed to come clean about his betrayal, but if he tells his daughter it will be forever flung in his wifes face.
He needs to decide if he wants to stay with his wife and to understand that if he does not look after his wife's feelings then that is another betrayal.

He would be unlikely to find someone else with love so unconditional that they would forgive this type of thing.

I would not advocate risking the breakup because love and loyalty like that is hard to replicate elsewhere. You may both end up unhappy and alone.

I'm not sure there is a lot of unconditional love and loyalty. I think she puts him down a lot. I think it is more fear of what people think, fear of being on her own and habit. Ditto him.

You need to tell your wife about this way before you even think of telling your daughter. Let your poor wife absorb it furst.

Ok. I don't know how his marriage is outside of this situation. I was just suggesting how I would feel if I was in the same shoes. I haven't read all of the posts so might have missed any where he said she has been putting him down.
Did she do this routinely through the marriage or has it just been since she was wondering where the money was going and the business trips to poland? Not saying it is Ok but perhaps she was jealous/insecure.

I spent a lot of time in the company of a family friend when I was younger.

After several years of marriage and had teenagers he started shagging a 21 year old who got preggers. He remortgaged the marital home and kept the other woman in an other flat that he purchased. He split up with woman. Told his beautiful and kind wife, who forgave him. He left 6 months later as he couldn't live with himself. She was heartbroken. By the time he realised his mistake she had moved on and remarried. He is alone now and hardly sees the other kid as the young lady in question got married and moved abroad. He now realises the loss of his wife was his own making, but can't have her back.

After he left her she didn't speak to her friends and didn't tell anyone, not even her kids understood that he had actually left or what he had done because she wanted to give him the chance to come back and didn't want the kids or her friends to think badly of him because it would effect future relations with family and friends.

I really think this saving face thing people are going on about is really nasty. She is the victim here, what he did was a mistake but that doesn't make it any less shit.

Even if the Polish Daughter was written out of the will to prevent eldest Daughter finding out when will is read, there's a good chance the polish daughter will want to attend her fathers funeral and there's so many ways that could turn out too, oldest daughter could ask how she knows deceased and she says he's her dad, your wife would put two and two together and ask her to leave before eldest asks questions etc etc.

Abandoning his polish daughter won't fix marriage. He has responsibilities to his dependant daughter and she shouldn't be used as bargaining leverage like some optional extra.

Did it ever occur that the Polish woman was in fact using you and actually hoping to become pregnant so you would support her financially? And is using emotional abuse because she expected you to give up everything (included passing on your inheritance) to her?

Indeed desertsky

I wonder why, after all these years, OP says that the Polish woman was expecting him to leave his wife and go and live with her and her dd in Poland.

It sounds like OP may have been stringing her along somewhat to keep her sweet so that he can keep contact with the child.

Under the new agreement, there is no way he can see the child now, except for Skype because, even if he travels to Poland, his wife won't allow him to be in the company of the child's mother and the child's mother won't allow him to see her unaccompanied.

I admit I am weak and find decisions difficult - hence my failure to progress at work. And hence my wife's failure to see me as anything other than a workaday useless bloke who she doesn't fancy.

All my life I have been called weak. Even by my wife on several occasions. And certainly by my father

A bit of history is that I have never stood up to my wife.

Maybe there is unconditional love. I might have been wrong. But it does sound more complicated than OMG suggests.

She might respect him for standing up to her and insisting on doing the right thing for both his daughters.

OMG I read your posts with interest because you gave me an insight into how my wife might be feeling.

WILL: I am confused. I did ask a friend who is a solicitor about this. And he said he thought that I may have some duty to leave something or at least acknowledge my Polish daughter in my will. But he isn't an expert on these matters and admitted he may be wrong. Also, he was unsure about how the law would be applied for a child in another country. His advice was to get proper legal advice from someone who knows about this area of law.

Having said that, I do like the idea of somehow or other leaving a separate pot of money for my Polish daughter. IF my wife would agree to it.

I received an email today - via my wife - from the Polish mother - saying that my Polish daughter would like to chat to me on video phone again. In as much as we can chat. She has very little English and I have more or less zero Polish. I can order a beer and other essentials but that's about it.

Thanks again to all of you. It's kind of you to take the time to help. And you have given me a lot of food for thought.

Am taking my wife out for a meal tonight. I was pleased she agreed. I think we both feel emotionally exhausted. And I feel it's a tentative step towards reconciliation. I hope. Or maybe I'm about to be kindly told to push off and get divorced :(

Well to be quite honest I have some issues from childhood and they do leave their scars. One of those is never to feel worthy or to feel that others don't love or need you. I often feel like history is repeating itself in relationships when I know that is not the case.

You never know, perhaps his wife worships him and he jus can't see

Apologies if someone's made this point already, but if you suddenly start giving 25% of the money to your eldest daughter, what explanation does your wife expect you to give for this?

The other cynical POV which has been in mind mind since the beginning - and I'm sorry OP - was that the Polish woman was already pregnant, where abortion is illegal. If his self-description of being old, fat, balding and unremarkable and a much younger attractive woman pursues him ardently, it's natural to wonder why?

Regarding the will - your friend is talking bollox. There is no duty to provide for anyone. It's you will - it's up to you. If you wanted to leave it all to the cat rescue that would be your choice. But this is yet another example of why you have to tell your daughter. At some point she will find out (your death and will being one of many ways). Don't make the pain even harder on her.

*your. Of course!

Just out of curiosity, does the polish woman know about your wife and English daughter? I find the fact that she seemed to be expecting you to uproot your entire life to Poland, including leaving your wife, despite the fact you say you have no relationship with her very hard to believe.

Hope the meal goes well for you both.

TheHodgeoftheHedge - I wonder if she assumed that this older gentleman would just drop his (closer in age) wife for a much younger woman?

Ted, I have read the whole thread. Well done for telling your wife it was the right thing to do.

I feel you really need to tell your English daughter. She is being denied a sister who she may want to form a relationship with. She will be devasted to only hear of all this after your and your wife's deaths.

You also need to support your polish daughter fully financially and emotionally by not conceding to your wife's demands. You owe your polish daughter a relationship and financial support.

The two most innocent parties in this, your two daughters, are the ones you are still lying to and not treating fairly.

Your wife's demands are unreasonable. It would not be the fair thing to give her the house in a divorce. The fairest thing at this stage is to allow each other a chance of happiness. Maybe the family house could be sold and you could each buy a flat. That your wife enjoys gardening is not really a reason to deny your polish daughter a relationship with her father. That sounds flippant, but your wife does not need a house with empty unused bedrooms. It appears you want to stay in a marriage with no physical or emotional intimacy. You could have plenty of life ahead of you to share with someone who you can have a happy loving relationship with. A fear of being alone is a false reason to stay. You would undoubtedly both be happier splitting up.

I am not excusing OP's mistake - but I do think he has been played. In regards to finances, I would definitely seek proper Professional advice and make sure that it is your daughter who will benefit from any money inherited and not her mother.

Secondly, I do feel very sorry for your wife. It must have been an awful shock, especially to hear her husband has fathered another child at his age. She needs time to heal so any demands she is making at the moment is just a way of protecting herself.

I do believe your eldest daughter ought to know about her half sibling. I found out that my father went on to have 2 other children with his second wife (that he's now also divorced) when I was quite young and I'm really glad I knew. I have tracked them down on Facebook but not been brave enough to make contact yet. It's strange seeing a half sister (I always wanted a sister) that looks a bit like me. At the end of the day, it is your daughter's choice whether or not she would like to establish a relationship with her half sister, but at the very least surely she has the right to be aware of her existence?

I hope for your sake OP you are able to work things through with your wife and try to rebuild your marriage - you must have been married for quite some time if your eldest is in her 30s? So sad to throw it all away...

I think there's a lot of self esteem issues too that I think you need to address. Have you opened up about your past to someone? It sounds like you've been living with this feeling of no self worth for a long time. Good luck moving forward. You did the right thing in telling your wife for a start.

I hope your meal goes well. If you still love your wife you are going to have to put in an effort to keep the relationship. I don't believe once a quitter always a quitter. This relationship has endured many years and I am sure that it can last. Do not be tempted to run away because she is probably going to be pretty angry and upset to begin with. You need to prove to her that she is still the centre of your world ( if this is the case)
I honestly don't think you should try to raise anything with her about telling your eldest or about the trust fund for a year or two.

You probaby do still need to get some help with your mental health. I suspect that it has had a big part to play in this.