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Original poster

Leaving the baby - does this make me weird?

136 replies

Xuli · 06/11/2016 15:30

I have a DD who is nearly 5, and a DS who is 11 days old.

This morning DD and I went to the cinema with friends, so we were out for about 3 hours. DS was at home with DH; he is FF, which I know does make a difference. I can honestly say I never really thought about DS and DH while I was out. It was lovely to spend time with DD.

Reading MN about leaving babies, most people seem to say they could barely leave theirs for an hour when they were weeks old. I'm wondering now if it's weird I was so happy to leave a newborn?

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Fulltimemummy85 · 07/11/2016 21:14

I think the people calling you weird are weird. Your baby is with his dad, I would have definitely left my second to spend time with my first and probably wouldn't have thought much about baby or daddy. I think it's nasty people are making out you are weird for spending quality time with your other child! The mentality of spend every second with the baby ultimately will mean the older child misses out!

Oblomov16 · 07/11/2016 21:17

2 posters suggested it was weird. All the others said not.
There's your answer.

5moreminutes · 07/11/2016 21:21

Full-time almost no bugger is calling her weird! Hmm

It's like those threads split 50/50 where posters on both sides begin by saying they are "going against the grain a bit here" except that this thread is very nearly unanimous.

You are not going out on a limb by saying it's not weird, you are agreeing with about 95% of the people who have posted!

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Hepburn14 · 07/11/2016 21:21

Wow - I would've killed for that opportunity when I had a newborn (let alone being able to sit down properly after only 11 days!).

Far from feeling guilty, you're a bit of an inspiration! I hope if I go on to have a second child I can do something similar with my firstborn. Might've helped me avoid PND too.

Benedikte2 · 07/11/2016 21:30

A lot depends on whether you have someone you trust to leave baby with. OP has a dependable DH which does make a difference.
I'm sure her DD appreciated having mum to herself

Sara107 · 07/11/2016 21:33

When dD was 11 days old I was just about able to achieve a shower and getting dressed every day! If you're up to having a trip out, why not? Your dD needs some attention/ special time while she adjusts to the new baby. The baby was at home with his dad, it's not like you hired a teenager to babysit or something. I don't think there's any thing odd about having a little break.

CarrieLouise25 · 07/11/2016 21:40

How lovely being able to confidently leave your newborn with the other parent to spend time with your DD. I bet she loved that Smile

Dad's leave their newborns all the time, but it's only the mum's that get the judgements Confused

This is coming from one who never leaves - but EBF does have restrictions. Having said that, I don't feel restricted - babies just come with me.

I don't like judgements from either side. If a mum is happy to leave newborn with the other capable/equal parent, there should be no judgement. Equally, if a mum doesn't want to leave their newborn - there shouldn't be any pressure to 'take time out' or whatever. Neither are weird.

It is weird though if you reverse it. 'DH went out for 3 hours today with DD to the cinema and left his 11 day old newborn at home with me'. There would be no issues with this, so no idea why the other way around.

Congratulations OP on your new arrival Flowers

daisiesinherfootsteps · 07/11/2016 21:55

I did exactly the same, trip out with my elder DD for a couple of hours when baby DD was 5 days old. And I ebf, but fed baby DD to the gunnels before leaving and wasn't too far away in case DH had to call. But I'd had an easy birth and DH was great with DD and I had missed being able to do stuff with DD1 in later pregnancy. Nothing wrong with those who couldn't imagine it for them. Different strokes and all that...

Keletubbie · 07/11/2016 23:38

My DD was born on Dec 19, I was in hospital til Dec 21, I left her at home for about 2 hrs while I went to the pub on Christmas Eve.

All I did was talk about her while I was there, obviously...

BerylMeeps · 08/11/2016 00:10

I left my 7wk old with DH who is extremely capable whilst I started going to college. She is ebf so I pumped whilst away and still do, so I don't "not" think about her but this wknd when I had the opportunity I left the baby with him and spent some quality time with DD(3y) and honestly say she didn't really cross my mind as I was spending time with my big monster. I loved it. We rarely get that one on one and she thought it was fantastic to have me to herself. Don't feel guilty for enjoying the kid you've had longer. It's good for them to know you're still there for one on one when a baby comes along and mucks up the equilibrium a little.

lunchboxtroubles · 08/11/2016 08:35

I didn't leave my first until he was three months old. Second was born summer 2012 and we had Olympic tickets so she had a very early experience of grandmother care! don't beat yourself up, it's really important to have some one on one time with your older one xx

kiki22 · 08/11/2016 09:29

I left both of mine with dp then grandparents early on it never bothered me I've never been possessive about my kids

Gemgem79 · 08/11/2016 09:30

Aibu, my partner and I had 3 kids each before we got together, we now have a 4 yr old ds together too, his eldest child isn't biologically his but treats him as so. I don't have an issue with this, but he doesn't treat my children like his own and says they are not his problem?! This upsets me as I treat his children no different to mine and our ds together! Am I being stupid or unreasonable feeling upset by this?

Lalunya85 · 08/11/2016 09:40

It's very different with your second compared to your first, isn't it? It definitely was for me. I remember feeling really "empty" whenever I left DC1, even if it was just popping to the shop up the road. With DC2 (age gap 20 months) it was very different, as I was always with DC1 if I wasn't with DC2, so the "emptiness" wasn't so tangible.

I also have to say it took me a little longer to really bond with DC2 and have a proper relationship with her. It was more instant with DC2. OP perhaps this is also happening for you? I don't thing there's anything weird about that, and it will all even out over the next few months. At the time I felt really guilty towards my newborn though. Blush

I think it's really important that you make sure your older child is fine. It's such a big change for them suddenly becoming one of two.

MrsJayy · 08/11/2016 09:46

Your baby was with his dad you were with your dd of course it is not weird imo its not healthy to miss children over a few hours babies can be looked after perfectly well with a competent parent or adult.

Original poster
Xuli · 08/11/2016 10:09

Lalunya - yes, maybe. I suppose it's not much of a surprise that I am closer to 4yo DD than I am to the baby. I love him dearly and am very happy we had him, but I guess I worry and think more about DD than I do DS.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 08/11/2016 13:25

Well I did that with all mine and DH didn't bat an eyelid. He enjoyed it, actually. I don't think it would occur to him it was an issue.

Lalunya85 · 08/11/2016 14:56

Xuli I spent pretty much the first year six months alternating between feeling guilty either towards DC1 (for having deprived him of my undivided attention) or DC2 (for never being able to give her the undivided attention I had given DC1 when he was born).

It was a struggle, but a really important one to go through for all of us. 14 months down the line I have no doubt that I love them equally, and feel an equally strong bond with both. More importantly, I can see how their relationship is growing, and that they love each other and are also having a real bond. DC2 is the first thing my son asks about when he wakes up, and DC2 absolutely admires him!

Remember that you have given your DD a beautiful gift for life, a baby brother.

MrsJayy · 08/11/2016 16:28

Newborns need fed changed cuddled sleep thats it your dd probably appreciated her mum with her for a few hours

Craigie · 08/11/2016 17:28

Not weird at all. Nice to hear from a relaxed parent for once, noted if the often neurotic martyrs who frequently post on MN.

carries · 08/11/2016 17:35

Totally normal and healthy! Your DD needs you and you need time with her one to one.

DrE678 · 08/11/2016 17:35

Another thread that's made it into the Fail... Not adding a link.

WillowinGloves · 08/11/2016 17:39

I agree with the poster who said that when the baby is that new, you haven't always got used to thinking about them yet, especially when you are focused on the elder child. I can't remember how early I left my DS1 but certainly I remember loving those solo trips to the supermarket while he was with DH. Mind you, both my mum and my aunt tell stories of the far-off days in the late 1950s when you would go shopping, and leave the pram (with occupant) outside the shop. After shopping one time early on, my mum got a little way down the street before remembering her brand new baby in pram outside the shop and rushing back, but my aunt apparently got all the way home when she did it! Prams, babies, mums and all were fine ... Smile

CaptinMuma · 08/11/2016 17:42

I couldn't do it but I had problems after I had my kids. The thought of leaving them made my mind go straight to "what if..." and I'd panic! Sounds like you are happy and healthy and trust your husband to do a great job, which is great for you and DD x

Katherine2626 · 08/11/2016 17:45

You sound absolutely normal, and I hope you enjoyed your outing and will enjoy many more. I don't know if some mothers cannot be parted from their baby for a second, but that does seem a little bit worrying if the DF is there; perhaps they are just over anxious, and that's not wrong, just how some people are with a new baby.

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