Is it me or is it highly irritating when playdates...

[emkana]

...are difficult about food.

dd2 had friend here for lunch. I had put a sandwich and some cucumber on her plate.

"I don't like cucumber."
says friend.

"Okay" says I "what about cherry tomatoes?"
"I don't like cherry tomatoes."

"What about apple?"
"I don't like apple."

"What do you like then, what can I get you?"
Silence....

I had some vegetable soup and she asked if she could have some. Yes of course I said, put some in bowl for her. She poked around it. "What's the yellow stuff?" "Sweetcorn." "What's those lumps?" "Potato." She put some in her mouth then spat it out again... and declared she didn't want it.

Grrr.

christ you lot are so BONKERS about food.
it's only one flipping meal.

I love the idea of my dd1s friends coming round and having a great time, and wanting to come back. They are 8 now and I tend to do a big picnic of junk,real junk, no hovvering over the table, I go to the kitchen end and potter around, if they would like something I get it with a smile.
It's different from everyday family meals, but its really important to me that these children are comfortable in my home.
I did invite them after all.

pmsl at kippers. Cod sometimes I think I love you!

or I might send a bag of our leftovers round, with a note saying "I don't wish to embarrass you, but ds did mention you were a bit hard-up for food"

Well cod see what you make of this.

DS's first favourite food is cucumber. And chips are apparently only 12th favourite. (he is going through that xth favourite this or that stage ).

But DD says "my not like cumber (sic), my like carrot". Because her favourite food is carrot.

Neither of them will eat tomatoes btw, unless they are coating pasta. Although I am led to believe DD eats both tomatoes and "cumber" at nursery.

"remember that no child has ever starved themselves to death rather than eat healthy nutritous food offered to them..." I suspect that this may not actually be true of children with certain issues.
And it's what everyone said to me when DS at nursery would not drink from a bottle. Not at all, never. He gained no weight in 4 months...from 6-10 months.

I was working with Maori communities in N Zealand for 3 months, living on Marae, and constantly offered an array of fresh seafood. Sea Urchins, Paua (abalone) etc etc. All raw. I have never been able to eat raw fish or meat - not sushi, not oysters, not beef carpaccio...and I honestly would have starved for 3 months rather than eat the body sac of a raw paua. Thankfully no one insisted I try it, and by me politely declining and saying I was vegetarian, and the magnificent generosity of hospitality of the people whose hospitality I was enjoying, they made alternative arrangements for me. I think children experience lots of foods in the same way that I experienced the raw seafood.

Some kids are a nightmare to feed.
It's interesting now that ds1 is 8 as I've had the same bunch of kids over for over 4 years years now. On monday as one was tucking into something I reminded him how fussy he used to be and he replied, with a slightly embarrased look, that that was ages ago. It's easier as they get older.

They do get treats and I do make them feel welcome ffs. And the conversation in the op was done in an entirely friendly manner on my part. But it still irritates me when children are fussy eaters. So there. I do understand that it's not, I repeat not, always the parents' fault.

Okay?

NannyL, your statement that a child will eventually eat what is put in front of them does not apply to children with an eating disorder or phobia. There are children out there with that magnitude of problem and generalisations like that can upset the parents very deeply indeed.
Blu's posts about instinctive, profound horror of some types/textures of food, as experienced by young children, are spot on. That's the reality for some children - for an array of "everyday" foods that most of us have no problem with.

Am PMSL at muminfife's cosmpolitan child.

Of course it's not a good idea to force a kid to eat something they don't want to. Particularly someone else's kid - I can't believe people really get exercised about what other people's kids eat tbh. It's enough for me if they don't get killed or seriously injured while in my care, and that their parents come and collect them and take them home after two hours (I always have a nagging worry that they won't come and I'll be left with them and have to adopt the blighters, and it's always such a relief when their parents turn up). Really, what they eat is the least of my worries. (Can you tell I don't like playdates?)

Quite marina. I've been thinking about this thread a lot overnight (one of the benefits of a non-sleeping baby!), and I think ds1 has 2 issues.

1. A physical issue - overactive sense of taste/smell, combined with a lack of interest in food - he's never been particularly 'into' food.

1. An anxiety/phobia - if he is at all upset he can not eat, even food he likes. And given this fact, presenting him with food he doesn't feel safe with, even when very hungry, makes him more anxious and therefore even less likely to eat. So I am trying to concentrate on making meal times as positive as possible, so that he actually enjoys a meal, and hopefully reduce his anxiety that way. Does that make sense? Sitting him in front of a plate of food he feels unable to eat would simply reinforce his view of 'food is bad, meals are scarey'.

I hope he will improve, I really do, and it probably is my fault that he's so anxious - as a baby we were probably over-anxious about his diet, because he has had difficulties from day 1 (wouldn't b/feed for 36 hours - latched on but refused to suck(!))- but I do think there is an underlying physical reason as well, having seen him gagging at the smell of banana, being sick because I mashed up some cauliflower in some mashed potato (it was invisible).

I think (sorry NannyL) that anyone who repeats the dogma of 'no child has ever starved themselves to death rather than eating healthy food - if hungry enough they will eat' has ever had to look after a truly fussy child (I've bored www with this on more than one occasion when ds1 was particularly bad). Because I'm sure it's true for lots of children, but it certainly isn't true for my child! Sorry this is so long...it's something that occupies my thoughts a lot!

all kids go through a 'fussy' phase don't they? Isn't the key not to make a fuss about it? Surely if you start offering other junk that they want (white bread, shitey wee pizzas) then you as a parent reinforce their fussiness.

DS1 is going through the classic 2 year old fussy food thing. I tell my friend when he goes to theirs for tea not to fuss over him and offer alternatives. If he turns his nose up at everything he gets a banana when he gets home.

Sorry, Highlander, but there's another great myth - that it is always mixed up in a junk / healthy choice. Yes, sometimes, maybe - but in plenty of cases the narrow range of food a child does enjoy are just as healthy as the many foods that repel them. I can think of one MN-er whose child exactly fits that bill , without even racking my brain for a nanosecond.

Of course I'm not imagining that there are any MN-ers out ther forcing guest children to eat food that horrifies them...but people are very quick to make sweeping statements about other people's children's eating habits, and the good old favourite doctrines are the source of a lot of upset for parents who have genuinely 'fussy' children. THAT'S why it matters on MN!

Tortoishell, please don't be upset - as the mother of one good eater and two utter fusspots, I know it isn't just down to parenting skill or lack thereof.

Blu, that's so true. DS3 used to eat normally but has gone off many many foods. Amongst those he won't now touch are chocolate buttons and McDonalds fries. Go figure.

Or was I the mner you were thinking of?

Oh there are so may issues around eating.

Ds1 ate 5 foods for 4 years. No meat, no veg, no fish, no fruit. Easy to explain, he's severely autistic. Very hard to tackle. Year of work from school and we'r ein a much better place now.

DS3 has always eaten well, loves lentils, stews, etc. A dreamboat. He's 2 is pretty goood at feeding himself. But for a long time he was a baby and needed me to feed him.

Which leaves ds2. He's a very sensitive (to textures) child and doesn't chew his food properly so has a tendency to gag (he's 5 by the way). He's always had to eat around a child who needs feeding (ds1) and a child who until recenly needed help eating (ds3). For most of his life ds1 has been a terrible role model. DS1 gets a lot of attention at mealtimes because he has to (or he won't eat). So where did that leave ds2? IN the position of not getting attention unless he kicks up. The easiest way to kick up is make a fuss about eating. Now I know the correct response, but its not that easy to put into practice when you have 2 other children needing you help to eat. And so we have lots of problems with ds2. Not to do with poor parenting/excess junk (although it was difficult to persuade him he had to eat properly when ds1 didn't), just to do with very complex family circumstances, and some hypersesitivity to textures on his part.

I was overjopyed when ds1 started eating chips again dino (wouodn;t for a number of years). A it was getting closer to a vegetable and B it meant I could always get him something to eat if we were out somewhere.

ds1 won't eat choc buttons at the moment- only white ones.

I'd be perfectly willing to make anything (well, anything veggie) that one of my children's friends would definitely eat, and I do ask their parents what they eat, and I'm not worried about whether it's healthy as it's just one meal, and I've still had problems of the kind emkana describes (never mind vegetables - I've had children round that don't eat cake and ice cream ) I can't just pop an alternative in the microwave as I don't have a microwave.

End of rant. If your children are fussy eaters, or won't eat in other people's houses, why not just admit it and fix playdates for non-mealtimes. I'm sure no-one would be remotely judgemental about that.

As it happens, Dino...no!
DS doesn't like McD either.

My fussy eater is going on a playdate in a minute, i told the mum he'd be happy with a simple sandwich. Her reply 'he eats sandwiches, what a dream, i would love to make a sandwich for him - my DS will only eat dry bread'.

I don't care tbh. I'd stick a frozen margharita pizza in, and put some bits and bobs out in dishes on the table.