Is it me or is it highly irritating when playdates...

[emkana]

...are difficult about food.

dd2 had friend here for lunch. I had put a sandwich and some cucumber on her plate.

"I don't like cucumber."
says friend.

"Okay" says I "what about cherry tomatoes?"
"I don't like cherry tomatoes."

"What about apple?"
"I don't like apple."

"What do you like then, what can I get you?"
Silence....

I had some vegetable soup and she asked if she could have some. Yes of course I said, put some in bowl for her. She poked around it. "What's the yellow stuff?" "Sweetcorn." "What's those lumps?" "Potato." She put some in her mouth then spat it out again... and declared she didn't want it.

Grrr.

Oh and for those like Tortoiseshell with children with a limited repertoire - I wouldn't eat : fish, pasta, rice, anything spicy, pizza...I could go on and now with the exception of fish which I still hate I eat all of those things! There is hope

I have some sympathy for smaller children - if they really don't like all of those foods, okay.

But for older children - when I was young I was told that the polite thing to do when you're at somebody else's house for dinner is to eat what you are given - make it only a small amount, by all means, but have at least some.

This is what I tell my children as well.

I try to compromise on play dates. So I don't buy food that I wouldn't normally buy but I do try and make something that is reasonably popular among young children. So yes sausage and mash and veg is very popular. Then I will ask the child what veg they like and serve at least two. Other times I do a pasta bake with garlic bread. If they don't like the pasta they can fill up on garlic bread! Also it is often fruit and ice-cream for pudding. If they don't like the fruit they can just have ice-cream.

But I wouldn't be doing something like a chickpea curry or whatever that might not be so popular.

I agree with Greensleeves and tortoiseSHELL - some of the comments on here are frightening.

Not everyone's child is perfect. Mine certainly aren't and I hope they aren't treated so horribly when they visit their friends for tea.

At age 11, and beyond, I didn't like big chunks of onion or tomato in bolognese either. At the age of 34 I'll wolf down anyone's bolognese - lumpy or not! And it's not always to do with how they are treated at home. My children were weaned on home made food, masses of fruit and veg, lasagne etc but once they hit toddlerhood they all went through the refusal stage. There is no need to be nasty about it. Only now, at 5, is ds1 getting more adventurous - and he's got the hang of being polite and trying what's in front of him. My 4 and 2 year old are not so easy but I'm confident, my friends at least, don't treat them like animals if they don't want to eat something.

My mum had a good policy of not making us eat anything we diddn't want to(there were 5 of us) BUT she diddn't pander to whims. There was always lots of fruit and toast if you were hungry but we wern't allowed demand only food we liked. As a result she had 5 kids who would eat everything.

Blimey,not looking forward to ds starting the playdate thing.
He's fairly fussy and has bloody allergies,he's sure to be popular

Umm some of you are a bit tough on here!

I always check with the other mum what their kids favourite food is.

When i serve said food to child I tell them that if they don't like it, just to say and I'll give them something else.(after all my spag bol may be different to their mum's spag bol)

If they don't want what i have made/taste it and don't like it make a toastie.

I would be most upset if i ever thought that some child was sitting struggling to eat something I had made and that they didn't like it (and vice versa for my child at someone else's house)How horrible is that?

I may be influenced by the fact that I can still remember being forced to eat everything by the dinnerladies at the infants school I went to. The small of Bananas in custard still make me feel sick due to force feeding at school!!!

There is an evolotionary reason why small children are fussy about food and many of them only eat from a safe limited repertoire. It is because it is safer to stick to know and tested foods. If you do this you are less likely to eat something that might make you ill.

So for instance once you know a type of berry or mushroom is OK you tend to go for the same ones again. Adults can afford to be a bit more adventurous and try the different berries around as they probably have the knowledge and abiltity to make the judgement about whether it is likely to be OK to eat and expanding the repertoire of foods you can eat has advantages too.

A child can't do this as well as an adult and the consequences of eating something that makes them ill/is poisonous is more catastophic for a chld than for an adult - we all knopw that food poisoning makes children (and old people) sicker than it makes adults as a rule.

So for those of you with normally fussy children - This is NORMAL. It is something humans have developed for a reason and is part of why we have been successful as a species. Please don't blame your or any other children for that, they will grow out of it - irritating as it is.

Note I am only talking about normal fussiness.

There are obviously extreme levels of fussiness which can be because of other issues (home environment, psycological, trauma, SN etc - take your pick). However some level of fussiness is absolutley normal and I would always offer an alternative (in fact I'm with Greensleeves on this and offer whatever I have in the house).

As for checking with the parents - well that isn't really foolproof as I know ds will eat some things with gusto sometimes and will absolutley refuse it others. so I am always finding myself in the embrassing situation of saying 'oh yes ds loves xxx' and then he won't touch it' or 'oh he never eats xx' and then he wolfs it down.

If a parent tells me their child likes something but they won't eat it with me, I assume

1 They are not used to my cooking - in which case I offer things where this is less of an issue -eg sandwich, fish fingers, sausages etc.

2 They are not really hungry and so didn't fancy what I made in which case the fact that they are not eating is no problem.

Well, Tortoiseshell, I feel I should apologise as it sounds like your child's food issues are very distressing for you and making dismissive comments on this thread really makes that worse for you. So for that I am sorry. However by way of explanation of how I tackle it, after years of getting it very wrong with visiting children out of anxiety about sending them home hungry, I would rather not draw attention to the food phobic visiting child by offering the child countless further options. Quite simply, if the child refuses the food on offer (even though this is what the parent said they would happily eat), then I say fine, but that is all I have to offer you. Quite often I think the child doesn't like the unfamiliar presentation of the food, or is uncomfortable with eating at someone else's house. I will always tell the parent what the child has eaten/not eaten so that they can feed him/her at home before they go to bed. They are usually collected at 6pm anyway. If the child is happier playing then it seems the kindest thing to release them from the table rather than to press further things on them. It is really hard trying to get it right when so many children have such different preferences and wildly varying rules. Sorry, very long post, but everyone seems to be getting terribly upset.

oh make them a sandwich fgs

have returned to this thread feeling less sensitive than yesterday!

Basically, all that I want from 'food at a playdate' is for ds1 not to get distressed, and for my parenting not to be judged. So I don't mind whether he's provided with food or not, but I would mind if he was 'made' to try some, because that would really upset him.

And if I thought anyone thought it was because he was pandered to at home that would bother me. Because he isn't! Madora - thank you for your apology - what you say totally makes sense, and is in fact what I would say to someone having ds1 over for tea! I don't want people fussing over him to try and get him to eat...

Am going to leave the thread now, and add this onto my PARP subjects!

mmm my dd only likes plain pasta, with no sauces - but she will eat her bodyweight in it.

I find homemade meatballs always go down well, and pizza, sometimes without the tomato sauce base!

Enid, for what it's worth I have plenty of visiting pre-schoolers who loathe sandwiches, who pick the seeds out of our bread or only want white or whatever - to satisfy or cater to everyone's tastes just is so hard. I'd have to have a library of different breads and fillings and a multiple choice questionnaire to meet the requirements of some little gourmets!

I am always a bit astounded by how horrible people are about other people's children, and I would feel anxious sending DS to some of your houses! And he's averagely 'fussy' - based on my experiecne of feeding others.

Last w/e we had two lots of children over (ill and urgently occupied parents).

Day 1. Kids notorious for having big appetites and eating prtty much everything. Before I start to prepare lunch I say 'shall we all have pasta?', Guest Child (GC) says 'I don't like pasta'! This surprises me, I'm SURE his mum would have mentioned it..but I say ok, and cook pasta anyway because we are having a range of things..but I put bread and butter on the table so that he can have a sandwich alongside his corn-on-cob, fish fingers etc. He eats a huge bowl of pasta, and tries and enjoys pesto sauce which he has not had before.

Day 2. I say 'shall we have egg and chips for lunch?'. DS and GC say 'oooh yes please' very nicely and politely. I put DS's egg on table. GC says, alarmed, 'I don't like eggs', so I leave his in the pan, quickly heat some baked beans for him, and they both tuck into a big lunch of chips, peas, egg or beans, and DS has avocado chunks on the side, while GC has carrot sticks - neither will eat the thing the other is having.

They are all 5 years old. They are not always consistent, they picture things differently, they feel unsure if things are not as they expect...it's easily navigated and nothing to make big judgements about!

I can remember fighting back being sick when faced with bread and butter pudding at a reinds house. My Mum had always said it was polite to eat what was put in front of you..so because I was too afraid to say i didn't like it, but thought I was going to be sick, I avoided going there for lunch after that.

If parents of fussy children would just be upfront about the problem, instead of giving their children's friend's parents inaccurate advice about what their children eat, the problem could be avoided. There's no reason why playdates should have to involve food.

Blimey, it's all got a bit heated on this thread.

I wholeheartedly agree that kids shouldn't be forced to eat whatever's been prepared (especially when they've had no input into choices) ? and also that endless refusals/requests shouldn't be pandered to. I think this thread has lost sight of quite a bit of "middle ground" running through many posts.

I had an experience yesterday where, for lunch, we made something that both ds's friend's mum had said he'd eat, and which he'd chosen from some options and enthused about, and which he'd helped make and choose which bits he wanted included and excluded (pizza). He didn't touch it. I think it's reasonable to feel mildly exasperated at this, given the extent of his input at every stage, and given that it wasn't an open-a-tin five-minute lunch.

I then suggested a selection of alternatives, including things I know he snacks on at home, and he chose grapes and crisps and ate some of these instead. I think this is a reasonable point at which to knock lunch on the head, even if only a little has been eaten.

I apologise if this approach has caused offence. I feel sure almost any kid who was actually hungry would do fine with helping choose/make Option 1 and then, if necessary, choosing from some favourite snacks for Option 2.

In my post, I also wrote about a friend who allowed her son to eat a whole bag of sweets at 4.45pm while walking down to us for tea at 5pm. We cooked for dinner the meal that he?d chosen, and he ate one mouthful. Again, I think it's reasonable to feel mildly miffed about this too ? but with Mum; not his fault.

I reckon it?s about considering everyone's needs and compromising. I think more posters in this thread agree with this than have been given credit for.

(And I reserve the right to feel mildly and discreetly exasperated sometimes!)

I dont mind REAL reasons for not eating a food.
I cant stand a long , long list of fussiness, such a not mixing or having food touching on a plate.

There are exceptions to this rule.

One of my children has a friend who only eats white bread toast, and plain pizza.
And thats it, I am sure he has some form of help for this.
So I can understand if that child cant cope with eating outside home.

I have changed my meal plan for a muslim child ( halal chicken is nice, and cheaper than organic and it doenst have water injections of pork or beef!)

My own son has multiple food allergies, so food , safe food is a big issue. That said he eats a normal diet full of fresh fruit and veg. The safest meal for him being meat and two veg.
So playdates etc have been difficult in the past. But has been done.

There are children in my own family who are incredibly fussy, and I dont pander to them any more. I have given up. As their list of non eating foods grows longer, or changes, and sometimes is down to a certain type of package and colour.
I am sure that on the way home they have a pit stop at macdonalds, but I have never cooked three different meals at a time, and never will.
I also have a different view of what makes a balanced meal than these children. ( e.g main meal, white pasta and boiled egg!!)

I have looked after children who were underfed and mistreated, who wouldnt recognise veg or ordinary meals, only to find years later with my own children their friends are the same, the difference being that the children are from nice wealthy comfy families. Cooking a meal seems to be a rare occasion for many families these days. The phone , microwave are much easier and quicker.

Lots of fussy children who are fussy for a long time, have parents with odd hang ups over food.
How did meal times become so stressful without good reason? food is meant to be fun, relaxing , and good for you!
I had a lot stress from cooking for a child with life threatening food alleriges , because I WANT him to enjoy food.
I spent ages shopping and cooking with all my children , I want him to find food a joy after realising the seriousness of his food allergies.

So for me, to have a child upset because a pea has touched her sweet corn, or my bread isnt white, makes me rather cross.

Too many parents these days give the children complete control over their diet. This is SOOOOO wrong, its the parents responsibilty to provide good nutriton.

I dont cook lots of junk food for my kids, its a treat when i do, sometimes I cook it for their friends, sometimes I dont.

Thats my two pence worth!!

EggyBread - your irritation at the sweet-stuffing parent is entirely justified. It is though a separate issue from irritation caused by pandering to the fads of fussy children. I have felt immense frustration in the past over rejected meals after labouring to provide the perfect menu. That is why after years of irritation I have come to the conclusion that rather than trying to fathom out the reasons for individual issues over food it is simpler to remove emotion from it and just say they can get down if they don't want to eat what is on offer. I was apologising earlier because I had never even thought of the effect this open airing of frustration was having on the parents who genuinely struggle to persuade their children to eat and yes, I am guilty of having previously assumed that the parents were wholly responsible for that - I now know better. We need to separate out the different issues here.

Haven't read all the thread , but totally agree wiith the Op how annoying it all is ESPECIALLY when the parents say ' Oh they eat anything ' AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH !!

toirtose shell... remember that no child has ever starved themselves to death rather than eat healthy nutritous food offered to them... if hungry enough hungry children will eat.

NannyL - it's just not true. Ds1 would starve himself to death rather than eat food he is anxious about. Believe me. I don't want to have to justify myself on here, as will get myself upset again, but he will go days without eating, and he is a skinny skinny child. He is age 5 and a half and still wears age 2-3 shorts. He would go a whole day at nursery having eating no breakfast, eat nothing they gave him at nursery.

He once put a piece of chicken in his mouth. He found it so awful, he couldn't swallow it, and kept it in his mouth for 4.5 hours. I have seen him be sick at the smell of something seemingly innocuous like a banana. I simply do not believe that if he were just that little bit hungrier he would eat it. I think it is a physical issue he has, and not simply him being fussy. Anyway, I wasn't going to go into depth about him - I HOPE he will improve as he gets older. He certainly couldn't get much worse.

just to add, he has been at the point of retching because he was so hungry - actually bringing up stomach juices (sorry if tmi), not sure how much further we'd need to go before he'd be hungry enough to eat.

would be fkn furious if anyone made either of my kids try everything.

Would be rather unimpressed if cakes were given as a reward for eating all food also.

dd1 would happily starve to death before eating lasagne

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