Don't like motherhood

[anonymiss]

I have an 8 week old baby, but am not enjoying motherhood at all and am scared that I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My DD is beautiful and healthy and I should be so happy as she was a much wanted baby. However, since she was born she has been colicky and difficult to settle. I have tried all the usual remedies with little success and it seems that I am just going to have to wait for this to pass.

I am so low about not being able to have a shower or a bowel movement without hearing her crying. I am fed up of not even being able to go to a supermarket without her screaming, and of people coming up to me asking me why she is crying and what is wrong with her (I don't know and this is one of the things that upsets me a lot).

I have a lot of support from my partner and mum,as well as friends and HV, and feel so guilty about how low and anxious I am - I know many people have to cope with much worse, and by themselves. I know that I should be happy and coping much better, and am too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel; it was ok to admit to being low in the first few weeks after DD was born, but I think I should be over the baby blues now. I also feel guilty that I resent the restrictions on my life, and I know how selfish I sound just typing this. I am crying as I am sat here typing this. Does it ever get easier? I feel so ashamed and low.

Not really expecting a respone, just feel alone and felt in need of venting anonymously.

Hi hun, have just scanned through the thread and just wanted to offer big hugs, it is hard and you are almost expected to be feel an instant bond with your child. During my pregnancy I was the most prepared person ever, the baby was planned, I had read every book and watched every programme but as soon as ds arrived by c section, I may aswell have not done anything, I didn't like it at all, I went through all the motions of caring for him and giving him cuddles but the feelings weren't there, for all I cared he could have been kidnapped and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, having a baby is a huge shock and I just couldn't cope, like you I had lots of support but to everyone else I was coping well, how wrong could they be.

Anyway, when ds was about 6 months old something just clicked and I fell in love with my child, I cried for days with the guilt of my feelings towards him, now he is 3 and a half and I would never be without him, he is my life. I don't beat myself up about the past because it is normal and I knew it would get better (see all those books were worth reading, lol).

The moral of my story is it will get better with time and just to let you know it's not unusual to feel this way.

xx

mum of an 11 week old here.

Forgive me if this has already been said I can't read all the posts at the moment but I wanted to recommend 'A Life's Work' by Rachel Cusk - an account of her first year of motherhood. Every sentence rang true with me and (sorry to be cheesy) had me laughing and crying at once. From what you say it might resonate with you too.

And it does get better. This week I found myself feeling almost like me again, after spending the last weeks wondering what had blown my life apart.

Hang in there.

Oh boy!! I know how you feel. Ds turns 1 in a couple of days and I am still struggling. I was never a baby person - always liked 'em a bit bigger. The big plan was I would breastfeed for about 6 months months and then go back to work, leaving DH (who wanted to stay home) at home. I have had long-term pain, and still can't return to work. He's a great baby, but in the beginning was so colicky and I just couldn't put him down....I even had to co-sleep so he could sleep holding my hand! I have never known exhaustion like it! You all know what I mean.

I have been told I am a good mum as DS is very happy and sociable, but I have hated it all so much despite wanting this so much. I feel guilty and feel like a bad mum even though I know I do everything I possibly can. I am just hanging in there for when he is a bit older and reaches my favourite age. It took so long to bond because of the pain and exhaustion. Even though it is slowly improving, it still feels like a dirty rotten joke noone tells you about until you are here.

Hi there,
just read your post and it took me back 4 and a half years to my ds's first few months. Everyone thought I had PND (and maybe I did), as I cried every day (along with ds!!!!) and thought I was just crap at being a mum. things just gradually got better and better and we had dd in July - it was completely different!!!
I was more relaxed, followed a routine of feeding, playing/activity and then sleep, feeding/activity/sleep etc with dd and she's really responded well. Also my birth was less traumatic (ds was a emergency cs after 36 hours which was hard for us both...) did you have problems with birth?
Hope things are still improving, but I just wanted to let you know it is worth it, and just like me you may want to do it again with some experience behind you. Keep getting support from those who love you, you can tell them how you feel without worrying - nobody is perfect!

Oh, god, this took me back to those hellish days....but it really, really, really does get better. I would go out smiley and meet people and come home and cry & cry & cry. DS1 was very colicky, and unlike everyone else's baby (it seemed) would not lie gurgling sweetly on a rug at meet-ups - would cry as soon as he realised I was not holding him. Knew some very smug other mums, felt like a complete failure. Could not then understand why anyone had more than one child. But....DS became the nicest, happiest toddler and then boy in the world, and when the colic stopped he became a complete delight, very happy & lively - still didn't sleep well until he learned to roll over at about 5 months and thereafter sleep peacfully on his tummy....N.ow he is I miss all that cuddling I had the chance to do when he was newborn and ddin'g get a chance to do anything else.
good luck - you can see from these posts that lots of us have survived it - you will!!!!!

sorry to intrude but i have a 12week old and even though i love her to bits i am not enjoying motherhood at all, i really wante my lo but now i just feel like i wasnt ready for a baby and that my life has ended!!! She is being really fussy at the min and it really upsetting me to be honest i just want to go bak to work just so i dont have to look after her all day which sounds awful and i feel awful for thinking it!!! I just need some kind words from people!!

toosadtocry, please don't feel bad, I think it's totally normal to feel the way you do and I am a first time mum and feel exactly the same much of the time. My DS is 17 weeks and I definitely have had that 'oh my God my life is over' feeling. described motherhood to my friend as being a mixture between a passionate love affair and having to live under the Taliban! I love him very much but it's being someone's carer 24 hours a day: it really is tough and no-one really tells you because of a kind of myth of joyous motherhood.

It is a massive, massive shock as you suddenly can't do anything normal any more. However, what has kept me going is support from my cousin and other people who have had babies (and mumsnet), and who are now really having fun with them. Someone on here said a very sensible thing, which was that at the beginning with a baby you think you've made a terrible mistake, but don't worry, you haven't really, it just seems like it at first and gets so much better and you HAVE made the right decision in having a child.

You're doing amazingly well, it is a big shock, and it will get better. those are the three things I mean to say..

I went back to work this week and must say it's made me feel ten times saner, though I miss DS a lot...

would also recommend the kate figes 'life after birth' book..

anyway hope things get better, I know they will, and rest assured that other new mums are going through it all as well: you're not alone and we're here to help!

the advice I was given: put a big sign up somewhere where you'll see it all the time that says 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS'.

I have never understood why the NCT etc make such a big deal of the birth and so little of the emotional and physical fall out of actually having the baby. I remember well the day when my panic and depression lifted when my ds was about 4 months old. Before that I was a disaster area.

I second Eeek. DS had colic and the first 3-4 months were a nightmare. He's 5mo old now, and while he does have his moments, the smiles, the giggles and watching him play make it all fade into the past.

Just stick with it, remember you're not alone. We've ALL been there, it does get better.

::hugs::

thanks everyone!!! im feeling abit better now xx

You sound like youre doing fine. Your feelings are totally normal, I would say. And in fact, I think its amazing that you are going to the supermarket and doing the shopping at 8 WEEKS! YOu only gave birth about 2 months ago. THis is brilliant. I live in Japan and first of all (annoying but) youre not allowed out of the house for the first month. When I was pregnant I scoffed at this tradition, but after the birth, I couldn`t make it 2 minutes down the road with the pram until about 10 weeks afterwards. No woman who has given birth in Japan would be expected to just go off and do her shopping by herself with the baby at 8 weeks. I had a 6 day stay in hospital after the birth (co-slept) with baby, and dreaded the idea of going home and having to make myself my own cups of tea.
So its not you thats not normal, its that our silly society has developed in a way that is so INTOLERANT of mothers and children, and expects so much of them.

My tips: Get a sling if you havent got one, and plod around the house doing random jobs with it on. Then at least you donT have to listen to your baby crying, and can feel like youre doing something. Get a bouncy chair and sit baby in it to watch you while you have a shower. I keep the shower door open, and DD is quite happy to listen to the sound of the water (you might have to sing a lot, though, but again, you donT have to listen to the crying)

It's good to know others have felt like this too. You know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but when you are in the middle of it, it sure feels like you are never going to get there. It's good to hear the positive endings to the nightmare days (and nights)

To Tosadtocry: I started this thread a few weeks ago in despair at my life and my inability to cope with DD's crying and how isolated I felt. My DD is now 12 weeks old, and I have ended up taking prozac. Life is getting a bit better; she is settling a bit and I am doing my best to get out and about. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling like you do, and I hope, like me, you will take a lot of solace from the advice and sympathy on here, it's kept me going through some very bleak moments.

We have to believe that it's all going to get a lot brighter; that's what most of the replies here say, and I now have days where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Look after yourself. XX

For the first 12 weeks I HATED motherhood, my DS would only sleep on me so I didn't sleep in my bed for weeks, my DH gets up at 5.30am to go to London every day, I didn't want to deprive him of sleep. I was to paranoid about co-sleeping anyway as DH tosses and turns a lot.
I remember DH's birthday party we had everyone round for a big party and my DS was 4 weeks. I spent the party walking round envious of all the childless people and even more envious of the happy parents that appeared to be enjoying their babies! I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. I was bordering on PND but I will always remember the words of a friend, she simply said that I WOULD get the blues and not to worry it's perfectly normal and it WILL pass. I kept reminding myself this and sure enough bit by bit things got better, he started to sleep a bit better (just going through the night now at 8mths!)then, all of a sudden it just passed.
I still have days when I think it's all so mundane but then I just have to see his little face smiling and I just know he's the most amazing thing I'll ever do.
So, as everyone has said already you're doing great and it will all work itself out in the end. Don't worry about the small stuff and look at the bigger picture!

Anonymiss, things are sounding better - and they will get better and better - honest.
Tosadtocry - if you feel it will help, get a great childminder/nursery, and go back to work - I went back really early (part-time) with my first and it really helped me put things in perspective - much better for me and ds. I'm sorry you feel like this, but I was the same, and I promise it gets easier. i would just say don't be too hard on yourself.xx

Anonymiss - just wanted to add my thoughts to this thread, as I've been exactly where you are. I remember so well the feelings of despair, resentment, tiredness & shock at having a baby in my life. Dh didn't want the baby in the first place (he already had two children, I had none). Emotionally, my pregnancy was a nightmare. After he was born, I was desperately tired and very regretful that I'd even considered having a child, I missed my old life and would've done anything to get it back. It took me ages to bond with my son, and he was a GOOD BABY. He slept through the night at 8 weeks, put on lots of weight and was content most of the time. He even smiled at 3 weeks of age - I have no idea was he was such a happy little thing.

I just wanted to let you know that by the time they have grown into a child, you will love them so desperately and be so grateful for their presence in your life that you won't be able to believe you ever felt so negatively toward them. I was a person who never wanted kids - I had my son at almost 35 and I absolutely loved my freedom and my holidays. Now I can't bear to be away from my son for more than 1 night, and when he's not with me I can't wait to see him again. Believe me, the love will come and motherhood will become second nature to you. Just wanted to give you some encouragement and hope. My baby is 6 now and I cherish every day I have with him.

Anonymiss, I've just read some of this thread and don't really have much to add - except I've been there! In fact some of Lsmum's post could have been mine. I didn't really want children, dh did - we had dd and for the first few months I hated motherhood. Every day I said 'what have I done?' The HV was concerned but I didn't have PND, I just found motherhood really hard and wanted my old life back. I didn't feel there was anything to look forward to anymore. Dd wasn't really a bad baby either. Now she is 3.5 and I love her to bits, wouldn't be without her she is the light of our lives. I still go to the gym/shopping and leave her with DH, who is more than happy to spend time with her alone. Shopping is easier without a baby/toddler in tow! Don't feel bad about the prozac, i hope you feel better soon. hang in there!