Don't like motherhood

[anonymiss]

I have an 8 week old baby, but am not enjoying motherhood at all and am scared that I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My DD is beautiful and healthy and I should be so happy as she was a much wanted baby. However, since she was born she has been colicky and difficult to settle. I have tried all the usual remedies with little success and it seems that I am just going to have to wait for this to pass.

I am so low about not being able to have a shower or a bowel movement without hearing her crying. I am fed up of not even being able to go to a supermarket without her screaming, and of people coming up to me asking me why she is crying and what is wrong with her (I don't know and this is one of the things that upsets me a lot).

I have a lot of support from my partner and mum,as well as friends and HV, and feel so guilty about how low and anxious I am - I know many people have to cope with much worse, and by themselves. I know that I should be happy and coping much better, and am too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel; it was ok to admit to being low in the first few weeks after DD was born, but I think I should be over the baby blues now. I also feel guilty that I resent the restrictions on my life, and I know how selfish I sound just typing this. I am crying as I am sat here typing this. Does it ever get easier? I feel so ashamed and low.

Not really expecting a respone, just feel alone and felt in need of venting anonymously.

Anonymiss - your gp can't see by looking at your dd whether she is milk intolerant or not. You might find this article interesting.

It must surely be worth pushing to get some hypoallergenic formula to at least try? Getting dd off dairy was really such a revelation for us. It might not be this, but at least you will know that you have tried everything you can think of.

Please, please don't see taking the prozac as an admission of failure. I had anti depressants after the birth of both my children. There are many factors going on - hormones, sleep deprivation, crying baby. Having a baby is a major life changing event when your normal coping techniques can't work because of all the above reasons. Both my babies were winter babies and I don't think this helps. In a couple of months the prozac will be helping, your baby will be settling into a routine and spring will be on its way. You will feel better soon.

Anonymiss - my DD was like that - crying the vast majority of the time she was awake. It was so hard, and I really thought I'd done the wrong thing (she was my second and my DS had been such a chilled baby). I tried cranial osteopathy - was never really sure whether it made any difference, but by 3 months old she was so much better. You will come out of this tunnel, even though it seems never-ending right now. One thing you learn after a while is that everything is a phase with kids - this too shall pass. I'm sure you will find it's all worth it - I've even gone on to have a third.

Twelve weeks is almost always a turning point - and you're two thirds of the way there!

You talk as though your low spirits are completely unnatural, Anonymiss, but excessive crying in a baby is a cause for concern and you are right to be worried. Do share the burden though - you say you have support from people around you. Are you having lots of skin to skin contact with your baby?

I can remember dd1 crying a lot as a baby and we used to put the subtitles on the tv in the evening while holding and trying to comfort her. She was colicky and got better in time.

Do you get some time to yourself when dh or some one takes over for a while?

Are you meeting up with other mothers and babies locally?

Hi

Just picked up your thread.

I can't decsribe the shock I felt after having my ds (now 3 1/2 years). I felt terrible and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. If someone had asked if they would like to have taken him away I think I might have agreed, which sounds terrible, and I'm ashamed to admit that!

Your tiredness also contributes to your feelings. When you are tired everything seems so unreasonable. Added to that you have a colicky baby!

I can assure you things do get better and I can't remember just how difficult it was I even went on to have another, my dd who is 15 months now. I'm also quite keen on having another!! So it does get better as we wouldn't have any more if things stayed as horrendous as you feel they are.

Don't feel guilty about the way you are feeling so many people feel the same but you only seem to hear about those who seem to be coping! Are they really though or are they just saying what they think everyone should hear!

It is hard work but you will come through this. Persist with the doctor if you feel there is a problem. My friend's ds was diagnosed with reflux which I think is more than just colic.(But nothing that won't pass or to be too worried about). Have you tried raising one end of her mattress that can sometimes help. If you are bottle feeding there are some special bottles with valves that are intended to help reduce colic. You may have already tried these things but just in case.

Hang in there this webiste is brill keep using it to lean on and also talk to your family and friends about it all it does help.

Hi anonymiss, glad you have bee to the gp I hope the prozac starts to take affect soon. If your baby possets really curdled milk or burbs excessively perhaps you could ask the gp to try infant gaviscon for a few days in case she has mild acidic reflux - there really are no symptoms from it apart from excessive screaming because they are in pain.

It's just something else to rule out personally I don't like they fact they just stick the label colic on a baby.......

Thinking of you

Anonymiss, all I can say is reiterate not to see taking antidepressants as an admission of failure. When we feel so bad we tend to see everything as our fault, but it is not. there is only so much that we as human beings can deal with. Being a new mum with a distressed baby pushes us to our limits and beyond. I feel for you so much. My son is 10 months and I am enjoying it now but it was so tough to start with. I saw a friend with a 7 week old a few days ago. Instead of feeling clucky I just felt relieved I was no longer at that stage. My expereince is that although it is not linear, it does get easier and easier. Check every avenue to help your baby, but go easy on yourself. Remember that sleep deprivation is used for torture. There will be a day when you will have had a decent amount of sleep and all of a sudden you will realise that things feel easier.

Oh my sweet, it is in no way and admission of failure to take something that is going to help you. You have Post Natal Depression AND have and screamy baby. That's a double whammy.
In fact, you are an absolute wonderwoman with everything you have done and everything you are doing. Well done you for going to see your GP. It is impossible to see that things will be better right now but I remember thinking at 3 weeks that one of us wouldn't see 3 months (probably me) and I'm here at 2 years - and most importantly I'm happy.
Thinking of you x

You are not a failure - you are a lovely, caring mum doing the hardest job in the world.

Big hugs

Anonym iss you remind me of me only a few short weeks ago! my dd cried soooo much one day we took her to children's A&E only to be told she had trapped wind!! It DOES and it WILL get easier - she's almost six months now and i cannot believe how different things are. I felt resentful too and cried for the life my DP and I had lost -sometimes i still feel a bit sad about that but i think that's not unusual.
don't know if any of this helps but just want you to know that i felt that bad too but it all seems like such a long time ago now and things are soooo much better.

Please don't feel alone.
I used to look after other people's children and so when I had mine and it didn't click like I had expected, I felt dreadful. I fought for a year in myself before I could tell my husband and the Dr how I felt.
I felt the most awful mother in the world for some of what I felt.
My husband used to make me laugh when he got home by having an expression, '(Child's name) you've gone and broken Mummy again' and he'd send me off to bed for a quick nap! it would always jolt me back to realising X was just a little un who knew no better and it was part of his development.
Being a parent is one of things.. some days are great others not.. even as a preschooler I want to cry at times in how tired and fed up I can feel because of maybe one thing he can't do yet.. then I try and chill and put things in perspective and thank my lucky stars things are as they are!

I would like to add it was only recently I disclosed to close friends about the PND.. they were shocked that they hadn't known and very supportive.. I wish I'd been brave enough to talk to them about it sooner!
Each one was lovely enough to comment again on how sociable and happy my son is and that gave me a warm glow.. even with my crappy start with him!

I think it's probably all been said above, but good luck Anonymiss. Your body has just been through a real trial, your hormones are still all over the place, you are sleep deprived, you have no time for yourself, you have probably forgotten what you were like before your LO arrived, and 99% of the images you see of motherhood in the media etc., makes it look like a digitally enhanced virgin mary fest.

The truth is that it is really hard work, fairly relentless, and sometimes very isolating. It does get better, but there seem to be new sets of challenges at each stage! However, you will be more confident in yourself, more accepting of your mistakes, and more bonded with your baby as time passes. It might take months, but you will eventually get to a place where it doesn't seem so daunting and disappointing. In the meantime, try to confide in someone - you haven't failed in anyway if you are finding it hard. We've all spent many days in tears, and had times when we would have just liked to quietly slip out of the front door and walk away...

I think one of the most difficult things is the guilt you feel when you admit to yourself that you are not enjoying motherhood, when you have a healthy kid and a supportive partner, and all the things that some other people do not have. Then you can feel doubly lousy for being so ungrateful. But lose the guilt. Being a mum is still a shockingly difficult job. It has to be done for love, because no salary could ever compensate the amount of time and effort that goes into it!

Everyone who reads your posting will identify with some of the things you've said. Take heart from the fact that some poor sods go on to have more children... It will get better.

Now get that pram out and go for a walk!!

BIG HUG!

Well done you for having the guts to ask for help!
My mum said to me before DD was born 'don't expect to love her at first'. How glad I was of that reminder! Was really hard work and I don't think I really liked my baby until she was 5 months old.
I can also remember around the time she was 12 months old - she would sit in the bath and I would be lay on the bathroom floor with my eyes shut because I was so tired. She'd been ill for 6 weeks and I was back in work full time. Hellish.

But she is now 3 and is my world, the best thing ever! I wish I could explain it to you - but you will know soon enough.

good luck xx

i know someone who was just the same as you, felt she hated her baby and had lost her life. After 6 months she finally bonded with her baby and I met hetr when he was 9 months old, and she was daft about him. If all else in your life is good, it'll be fine. Just try to survive it for now.

prozac helped me through, dont feel like a failure. I know i did when I saw my GP, but that was drpressed so of course I felt like I was. Just take them until you feel.

I found it took a couple of weeks for them to have any effect. Good luck.

Anonymiss

My DD and DS were colicky like yours too - I found that a cranial osteopath has been wonderful in helping them and lessening their crying.

Don't feel guilty in talking about it. It is a big shock becoming a mother and your life has changed so much. I likened having a baby to the first week in a new job where everything is new and you are not sure what you should be doing or what to expect - except the learing experience of having a baby lasts a lot long than the first week of a new job.

Talk to your HV about your feelings - they are there to help.

annonymis
I had to write when I read your message. Its wonderful so many kind people have replied already. I've read a few but not all so hope I don't repeat anything.
I just wanted to send you a heart full of love for your bravery in being honest. You are having such a hard time and a real life test with your little angel and she is really an angel, one day you will feel that.
I felt like you did for the first 4 months and it gradually reduced to loving her endlessly at 6 months. I had it easier than you, she is the most laidback "not bovered anyway" baby yet I still wanted to sell her on ebay!! 50p buy it now!!
Its such a shock thats why we feel so bad but for many women that's how they feel so no need for guilt. I felt guilty though too!
I remember reading some spiritual wisdom by AdiDa. He said sometimes babies cry and cry and cry for no reason other than they can feel the unbearable separation from God or the source or whatever you want to call it.
I also watched a great programme ages ago called The Baby Whisperer. It was this bloke who was psychic and could tell what babies were feeling. There was a woman who had a horrific time with her 2 year old and the bloke said she was feeling her mother's problems thats why her behaviour was so impossible. and it turned out this woman did have all the problems this bloke said so she sorted herself out and the toddler miraculously changed. So maybe your little treasure is just feeling your fear so thats what she's displaying???? Worth a thought anyway.
When I felt mega shite and desperate to have her adopted I went for some Reiki which helped enormously and homeopathy which incidentally cured her colic with one tablet!!
Reiki is really good for kids. I used to do it and saw the most amazing results on kids so perhaps you might like to try that??
Anyway, your post made me cry, brought back many memories. Me and stinky tots have a great time now and I know you and yours will too.
I tell you what helped also, check out Amma.org. I went to see her in London and it helped me become a mum!!
Lots and lots and lots of love to you. xxxxx

Smellon I LOVED your message!!! you are so funny and your advice was so right! You should write a book!!! xxx

Hello again,
Hang on in there anonymiss, hang on and use whatever's on offer to get you through. Have you got any cash? Get someone in to hold the baby for a couple of hours if you haven't got any friends or family available. If you live near me I'll come and help you out (N London) as I remember how bloody grim it was. CAT me if you like.
It really isn't about failure or success, the words just don't help the new situation you're in. It's about learning new stuff all the time.
All the very best x

Anony you've uttered what millions of mums just think to themselves - well done.
I feel/felt the same and have two confessions:
one - I looked under 'A' for adoption in the yellow pages
two - I rang the Samaritans and said I regretted having children. (She was a bit rubbish but that doesn't matter).

Also remember those hideous post-natal meetings, I used to sweat, go red and stand up most of the time with screamy dd whilst others put theirs down on the mat, gurgling contentedly. The other mums would say: ooh she's not very happy is she?' Scratch their eyes out!!!

Light at end of tunnel for me - honestly was after 14 weeks and I am now beginning to feel positive about dd (six months). But I didn't at the beginning at ALL. So there. End of confession.

Just remember to keep the integrity of YOU as a individual...I did 3 yrs with my son with not one night off...honestly...it has kind of ruined me, I've been subsumed by him, now I'm moody resentful and a worse mother than I should be. They are more fun when they get older though and much less boring. My top tip is to take a break as soon as you start to feel you might need one; keep up your outside interests; don't feel guilty about anything; keep communicating with your husband and support network (I have no dh or other help and am sure it would have been better if I had. Waited 3 yrs to talk to HV about how low I was and as soon as I was speaking, it helped.)

And always remember you child adores you. You don't have to be perfect, just good enough )

DD has actually been asleep in her moses basket for 40 minutes; this is almost unheard of for a daytime nap!!! It's given me the time to read all the replies, I can't believe how many people have replied and shared their experience. Some of the posts make me smile and some summarise so accurately what I feel that I wince.

The last few weeks have been bleak, and I wish I had discovered mumsnet sooner. Every break I get, I pop on here to read the messages and stiffen my resolve to keep buggering on.

Thank you to everyone for being so honest and making me feel less alone.

You are more than welcome! and you are most definitely not alone. Don't know if anyone's recommended the book Secrets of the baby whisperer but that seems to be good for a lot of babies. Its a very fluid routine. As your dd is getting the hang of naps it might be a good method for her. ??
All the very best for you and yours!!xxx

Scattercushion and others who have been through this and come out the other side ? can I ask a question on behalf of those other mothers at ?hideous? post natal groups?

What is the right thing to say?

What I have always wanted to say is something on the lines of:

I know I am very lucky to have an ?easy? baby, but that doesn?t mean that I haven?t seen enough in her bad moments/hours/days (and yes, they do all have them) to have some idea of what you must be going through. I am pretty sure that if mine screamed 80% of the time she was awake, I would have gone to pieces completely.

On that basis, I am speechless with admiration that you have made it out of the house to a PN group at all, let alone with 2 shoes that match and putting such a good face on things.

If you would like to swap for 15 minutes, sit down, have a cup of tea, and guard my sleeping baby against marauding toddlers, I will gladly walk your screaming one round in circles (out of earshot, if you would prefer!)

However, since I am always afraid that will come over as being smug, what usually comes out is something closer to ?ooh she's not very happy is she??