Don't like motherhood

[anonymiss]

I have an 8 week old baby, but am not enjoying motherhood at all and am scared that I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My DD is beautiful and healthy and I should be so happy as she was a much wanted baby. However, since she was born she has been colicky and difficult to settle. I have tried all the usual remedies with little success and it seems that I am just going to have to wait for this to pass.

I am so low about not being able to have a shower or a bowel movement without hearing her crying. I am fed up of not even being able to go to a supermarket without her screaming, and of people coming up to me asking me why she is crying and what is wrong with her (I don't know and this is one of the things that upsets me a lot).

I have a lot of support from my partner and mum,as well as friends and HV, and feel so guilty about how low and anxious I am - I know many people have to cope with much worse, and by themselves. I know that I should be happy and coping much better, and am too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel; it was ok to admit to being low in the first few weeks after DD was born, but I think I should be over the baby blues now. I also feel guilty that I resent the restrictions on my life, and I know how selfish I sound just typing this. I am crying as I am sat here typing this. Does it ever get easier? I feel so ashamed and low.

Not really expecting a respone, just feel alone and felt in need of venting anonymously.

Anonymiss hi,my heart goes out to you.
Do you mind me asking what kind of birth experience you had?
As many other MN's have suggested,with a difficult birth or C.S,cranial osteopathy can be miraculous as lots of babes have a permanent headache for weeks after birth which c.o really seems to ease.Also (much to my disgust a dummy can really help as the sucking reflex really eases their headache & prevents them feeding 24 7 when all they really want to do is suck.(or just offer your little finger if you hate the idea of a dummy)
12 weeks was a real turning point for my d.s just when I thought I couldn't go on any longer-miracle-he really calmed down.
Take Care now x

I remember 3 months being a bit of a turning point, too. I didn't enjoy my first 3 months with DS1 at all. He is 2 1/2 now and to be honest, there are still many parts of motherhood that get me down but they are balanced out.

Being a Mum is so polar for me. I recently described it to a friend as the most of everything. I feel the most love I've ever felt, I have the biggest warm fuzzy feelings I ever felt, I have the best time I have ever had, laugh the most, it's the most rewarding but it's also the most lonely, the most stressful and the most work/hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Does that make sense? In the first 3 or so months, there were precious few of the good parts.

It's never going to be easy but it will get a lot easier. The best thing that you can do is keep talking and remember that you need to take care of you, too. Go to the toilet when you need to. Have that shower and don't feel bad about doing so.

Glad you are getting a lot of support from this thread. The best bit of advice anyoene gave me was that it takes time to bond with your baby. It doesn't occur as soon as they pop out. It's good to talk to people who wont give you advise but just listen to your thoughts nonjudgementally. Babies do change and become much more interesting with time but it is hard to see that when your stuck with a crying baby. I remember shouting very loudly at my dd with sheer frustration. A rip in the car saved my sanity as did a walk in the pram. I was lucky to have sunny weather during that stage. Good luck with it and do seek professional help if you still feel so low.

Wierdly, I have found fathers to be the worst - a kind of competitive, suffering contest along the lines of:

'Yours is sleeping through the night? You've got it easy, mate. I haven't slept for a month! I have to sleep on my lunchbreak to catch up...'

Etc. IT DOES MY HEAD IN. I feel guilty telling them that my son is sleeping for more than an hour.

Luckily, there are a few Mothers on the NCT who have had it far worse than us and as far as I can tell, it's all swings and roundabouts with every baby going through ups and downs.

Sorry you are feeling so rotton at the mo. My first was a screamer, terrible it was. I had him in the summer though so at least I could walk him in the pram, not that that stoppped the screaming mind. Birth and a new baby are a terrible shock to the system, both physically and emotionally and it can take a good deal of time to adjust.
You might well have a touch of pnd, so keep an eye on things and maybe have a chat with your gp.
Motherhood is hard work. Remember also that tirdeness can make you feel really shit when you would otherwise feel ok.
Hope you feel better soon

Hello anonymiss, how are you doing? Whereabouts are you? I was just wondering if there was anyone who could recommend a good parent and baby/baby massage group if you were up for it, if you're bfing those support groups can be pretty handy too. Mine used to serve up warm scones with jam and cream and lots of tea so I carried on going for a long long time Hope you're feeling ok x

I like that POnka - it is a good summary. Motherhood is the most rewarding and the most frustrating thing I have ever done. I have never felt so out of control. I have also felt the best mum and the worst mum ever, usually within about 5 mins of each other. My maxim was always 'everything is possible when you have slept'. Unfortunately managing to get said sleep was my problem. Ignoring the PND did not help as depression can lead to lethargy and it was all I could do some days to get up form the sofa. Do talk to someone anonymiss - your other half is a good place to start. I am sad that I wished that first year away.

small babies are a nightmare. I'll never forget having baths (our shower handily broke the day after I gave birth), struggling to get in and out (I had a c-section) and only being able to hear ds2 scream and scream... I was sooo wound up and on edge - for weeks.

It does get better and easier, but you definitely have to (IMHO) try to switch off a bit from it all - when you're having a shower or going to the loo, just try and think that if they cry, they cry. You still need to get on and use that bathroom! No harm's going to come to them and you'll be there within 10 minutes to sort them out.

It's really really hard and tons of us empathise!

Could have written this myself nearly three years ago, it does get better, hang in there. DD1 had colic and it was so hard to deal with along with all the other new mum feelings, believe me I really feel for you. I found cranial oesteopathy helped.

My dd1 is now the most beautiful, charming, gentle litle thing (most of the time - she's still got a feisty streak though!!) it's hard to imagine that time now. It goes quickly in hindsight, believe me it does.

It may be of some consolation that you are possbly two thirds of the way through the hardest, crapiest days. 12 weeks is often a turning point, mine was no exception. It might also be a consolation for you to know that your next baby will probably be easier - (my dd2 was!) It seems to often be a bit of a first baby thing.

Agree with everyone else that 3 months is a bit of a turning point but I would also say not to put any pressure on yourself. I quickly lost touch with 2 of my NCT people because they just lied about eveything. eg, "Oh, my db sleeps for 14 hours every night without a murmer and has done since we came out of hospital" (ie 3 days old).

My gp said to me that the first year is hard and to take it a day at a time and not to expect too much of yourself.

I have to say it's so enlightening to hear other MNetters voice their feelings on this subject. I remember feeling like I was totally alone. I should have come here for advice rather than staying away!

A friend of ours (male) said "no-one tells you how shit it is" and he was right - at times anyway. Another bit of advice someone gave me on the train once, on the way back from town when she was really going for it (at about 8 weeks if I remember) was "it's never as loud to other people as it is to yourself". Both are true. My dd is a real crier and for the first few months I stopped meeting up with the nct group or going out as I just couldn't face it. She still cries quite a bit a 6 months but is far more manageable now and she's so responsive, it makes it all worthwhile. It really does get better. HTH

Anonymiss {{{hugs}}}

I'm sorry I've only just discovered this thread or I would have sympathised sooner! The first weeks and months are HARD. No one tells you this, and like someone else said, anyone who says their baby is perfect, their life is perfect, in those early weeks is lying (or on drugs).

I almost gave up on the NCT after falling apart at one meeting three months in, where everyone else's babies were feeding in a routine (not ALL THE TIME) and SLEEPING (novel concept). My DD didn't sleep for more than four hours at a stretch regularly until she was eight months old! It nearly killed me - and my marriage, as DH couldn't help overnight as he has MS, so I did it all.

Anyway - long story short - once I started getting sleep - proper sleep - things got so much better. And for me, going back to work really helped too. Not for everyone I know - but it helped me feel like 'me' again.

Just believe in yourself, however hard that may be to do. You're not doing anything wrong, it's just that new babies are damned difficult!

Much much much sympathy and empathy for you. And if it's any consolation at all, DD is absolutely fantastic now - 20 months - and we're planning another (!!!!).

P.S. Don't want to be toooo negative as I know it works for loads of people, but just to add that we tried everything sleepwise/calmingwise, including going to the cranial osteopathy place in East London - but the only thing that helped DD (traumatic forceps delivery) was time, I'm afraid. But when she learned to sleep... oh the joy!!!!

Yes bootsmonkey! I forgot about the good mummy, bad mummy thing. So true.

How are you today anonymiss? I've also been thinking that the best thing to do when you have a little baby is to get out of the house. I know it's a bad time of year for it but if the weather is o.k, a walk once a day might help lift your spirits. It won't be long before spring comes.

As lots of people have said, do get LO checked out - it took one friend of mine 16 weeks to convince her GP that her DD2 was more than "just colicky" - as if that wasn't bad enough. It turned out that she had a kidney infection which, by the time they finally tested her, had done permanent damage. Another friend who is a pediatrician was that they hadn't tested earlier - a urine test costs the NHS 5p, so if it seems like more than colic, I would keep bugging the HV / GP, If I were you.

How are you feeling today anonymiss? I found it so helpful when i finally met a lovely mum who admitted to bad as well as good days- as you can tell from your thread this is more common than women let on! God knows why we all try to be supermum- I have always hated housework and yet when i had just had a very stressful birth (27 hour labour, induced, ventouse on misrepresenting baby then very aggressive forceps, 6 cuts, then manual removal of placenta in theatre,) i suddenly felt that not only should i miraculously be able to sense why this screaming bundle was so upset, I should also be preparing nutritious meals and doing the bloody ironing and cleaning!!! I think i was actually going insane! Once i gave up caring and let any friends and family who fancied it make coffee/ look after the baby/ tidy up a bit etc/ even iron ( mothers in law are great for this), i felt a lot more "me". Honestly you are not alone, it is tough.. find a parents' group like welshmum's with jam and cream scones!! ( where is that, welshmum? sounds great!) And come on here to let off steam
xxxx

I so remember how that felt. I hated most of the first 12 weeks of my DS's life. I know it is not believable but it does get easier, and more enjoyable. I personally found a newborn baby very hard work and very dull, but enjoyed it far more as my DS started "doing things" It is so hard to admit that you are not having a lot of fun isn't it??

I found the following helped:

• Going out! Be it walking the streets, having coffee with a friend, going to a baby group. I found the day went so slowly at home all day

• Meeting other Mums. Once you get past that first stage and start to make friends with some of the people you meet at these things it gets better, I met 3 great girls, one of whom will be a friend for life. I probably was not entirely honest about how I felt but just being with olther people (amd talking about something other than babies!) madde a difference

• We booked a holiday, a cottage in Cornwall, for when DS was about 3 months. It was something to look firward too and a lovely break when it came round. Think it was that week that I actually started enjoying being a family!

Good Luck and lots of hugs xxx

Hi anonymiss,hope you're ok.
Say hi if you can & let us know how you're doing.
A lot of us are thinking about you.
Wish I'd known about this site when I was going through a similarly hellish time.
The support from everyone is just incredible & brings a lump to my throat.
Take care now x

Hi Anony. I felt exactly the same. Let's face it, it's the biggest change in your life there could possibly be and you can't change it back. Sometimes the whole thing can be totally overwhelming. Morningpaper summed it up really well for me in that it's the other trappings of motherhood and not just the screaming baby that can be a pain in the arse. But it does get better. And do tell your hubby. One of the things that I had the most difficulty dealing with was the lack of other adult day-to-day conversation and DHs are there to help fill that gap a bit. He needs to know how you feel so he can be supportive.

Oh and Mumsnet is wonderful.

Hello. Things came to a bit of a head last night. DD had a colicky spell in which she became really distraught and neither DH nor I could calm her. For some reason, I felt I couldn't cope any longer and started crying... and carried on all night, on and off.

I went to see my GP this morning and DH came with me. We took DD and I said honestly how bad I was feeling and how DD cried for probably 80% of the time she was awake. The GP examined her and confirmed that it is just colic and that it will pass. (I explained we have tried infacol, colief, gripe water, cranial osteopathy and massage - none of them seem to have much effect). The GP was very sympathetic (DD was in full flow in the surgery so she had a glimpse of what it is like when things are bad) and said that the next few weeks are just about survival, and that it is my hormones and sleep deprivation that make me feel so desperate, not that I am turning into a crazy woman! She has given me prozac. I feel it is an admission of failure to take them, but am going to as I have got myself into such a state about this.

Thank you to everyone who has asked after me, I am touched by the kindness of people who don't know me.

Glad GP was helpful. Please don't feel like a failure. You need all the help you can get ATM. This won't go on forever, honest.

You are not alone anonymiss, glad the gp helped, these times feel like they'll never end. Keep posting here - theare are so many people here who understand.

Big hugs Anonymiss x