Don't like motherhood

[anonymiss]

I have an 8 week old baby, but am not enjoying motherhood at all and am scared that I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My DD is beautiful and healthy and I should be so happy as she was a much wanted baby. However, since she was born she has been colicky and difficult to settle. I have tried all the usual remedies with little success and it seems that I am just going to have to wait for this to pass.

I am so low about not being able to have a shower or a bowel movement without hearing her crying. I am fed up of not even being able to go to a supermarket without her screaming, and of people coming up to me asking me why she is crying and what is wrong with her (I don't know and this is one of the things that upsets me a lot).

I have a lot of support from my partner and mum,as well as friends and HV, and feel so guilty about how low and anxious I am - I know many people have to cope with much worse, and by themselves. I know that I should be happy and coping much better, and am too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel; it was ok to admit to being low in the first few weeks after DD was born, but I think I should be over the baby blues now. I also feel guilty that I resent the restrictions on my life, and I know how selfish I sound just typing this. I am crying as I am sat here typing this. Does it ever get easier? I feel so ashamed and low.

Not really expecting a respone, just feel alone and felt in need of venting anonymously.

or there are childcare issues.
or cultural issues.

or employment issues.

or financial issues.

Glad you are feeling a bit happier

You really should talk to your dh about this - you aren't in it on your own you know! I bet he would understand.

How are you feeling today? I would agree with Countess Dracula - why don't you speak to your dh - you will get through this with him much easier than without. Motherhood was a huge shock to me and I had PND with ds, still went on to have dd and it was much easier second time round. Still don't find motherhood easy and would not say I'm a natural but I love my children and my life would not be complete without them. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind a day off now and again! (and I say that as someone who works 3 days a week) For me, both times, it has got significantly easier when they were around 10/11 months - eating solids properly, sleeping 7 until 6.30ish and had been for 3/4 months, getting much more interesting to be with and needing much less milk.

I am actually feeling a bit brighter today thanks. I have been able to put DD down for a nap for 30 minutes twice today - the relief of a bit of a break has been unbelievable! I don't want to talk to my DH as I am a bit ashamed of feeling this way when I have had a lot of support - more than most people get.

I am going to keep coming onto mumsnet as at least this way I can talk about my feelings anonymously. Thanks again to everyone who has replied.

do tell him what a job it is though, mental and physical
i had to re-educate dr creamcheese by allowing him to take over at weekends; before he thought i was onto a winner, out at parks and coffee shops whenever it suited! and thats not quite the whole story..
and when i think back the early days were dark and long...the fun comes bit later

Like many of the other mums in this thread I didn't enjoy the small baby stage, but it does pass and it has got better and better ever since! I found it helped to get out of the house whenever I could and the buggy would help get her off to sleep. It got a lot easier for me when I worked out that babies need regular naps! Maybe your baby is fussing because he/she is tired? Naps gave me 3 hours' free time a day, which was great. You could use that time to get things done or just catch up on lost sleep.

I can identify with the person who said they felt like the odd one out in their postnatal group because everyone else seemed so cheerful. If you can't find anyone to relate to, try and find another group - your HV should have details. Plenty of mums feel like you and I think a lot put on a brave face. You will do yourself a favour if you face up to it rather than try and hide it. And hopefully it will pass and you will enjoy being a mum. Life with a toddler is sooo much better than life with a baby!

Oh it's hard at this age, and even harder this time of year when the weather is so miserable and you can't ever get out of the house without getting drenched and nothing seems worth it!

But it gets better and better. The older they get, the more they respond to you. Most 8 week olds are moany and unresponsive. They look cutchy but they're boring. When they are 8 months old, and can deftly remove your glasses with their teeth, they are a bit more fun. And when they are three, and they march in to Daddy and say "Daddy, have you fed that baby today cos he is crying you know!" They are even more fun!

Hello anonymiss, loads of sympathy from me, I don't get on well with the early bit of motherhood either.
Can I tentatively say that it might be a good idea to speak to your DH if you can? he needs to know where you're at so he can keep in touch with you and what you feel you're up against. Also keeping up appearances with everyone, especially your nearest and dearest, is knackering and you don't need the added pressure. Men can be surprisingly sweet too and he may have some novel man-type ideas for easing the burden. They might be daft but he'll feel part of things and that's important too. Good luck, it really really does get better and keep posting.

I was miserable as sin for the first couple of months of DD1's life.

Just remember, everyone else is lying. And if they're not, they will Get Their Comeuppance.

Glad you are feeling brighter Miss! I can totally sympathise. The only time my DS slept when not over my shoulder (seemed to help colicky tum) was in the pushchair when I walked the dog. So much for sleeping when baby slept!
Keep on putting down for naps. They sometimes cry when they are tired and I think just need leaving alone for a bit to allow them to drop off.
I would seriously tell your HV, your friends, your mum.... anyone who is in your life that could help you, even your DP (but obviously don't know what your relationship is like). They can't truly help you until they know what the problem is.

Are you a new mumsnetter btw? If so, welcome to Mumsnet!

By the way, I wish I wish I wish I had known about ring slings at that time

as custardo says when you do all you can and they still cry - you have done your best.

Your babies cries will be much louder to your own ears.

My DD only stopped crying when she was asleep or feeding, it lasted a long time, but I got used to it and ignored other mums who barked on about how quiet thier babys were. And laughed with the ones who were in the same boat.

FWIW she is lovely now she 10.

Oh Anonymiss, I am so glad you've had so much support on this thread- I WISH I had discovered mumsnet when I was crying into my pillow day after day with dd1..I totally agree with those who've said that the mums who pretend everything in the garden is rosy are either lying, competitive or simply bloody rude when they can see you're totally stressed out. You need to find normal mums who have good days and bad days, and get out of the house- don't worry if your baby screams. Mine did, day and night- I was totally sleep deprived and had no family nearby- I can honestly say I hated 80% of it until my dds hit about 10 months and started walking- then life begins as far as I am concerned. You WILL get through it- you don't meet many 8 year olds who cry all day long!! Babies are alien creatures to me- and I say this happily pregnant with number 3!! babydom is a shitty stage you have to get through to get the fab little people they become- and they will. You get yourself as much help as you can get- family, friends (as many mums as you can possibly meet then you will fill your days with companionship rather than crying)- pay the milkman to give you an hour's break if that's all you can do. Don't expect life to be normal at this stage. My hubby thought I had gone mad wanting another babe as I hate being preggers and the baby shit (I mean this metaphorically rather than literally) so much- but as other much wiser mnetters than me have said, you WILL get through it. All I can say is good luck- and post on here when you've had a shit day- or a triumphant one, as you WILL have those too!

Just to echo what everyone else has said, its really really common to feel like you are - I was exactly the same, really looking forward to having a baby, thinking everything would be fantastic and the first couple of months were the hardest times I've ever been through. I just kept looking at other people with children and wondering how on earth they managed to do it! Nobody told me how much (and how loudly) babies cry!!

I also wasn't keen on talking to my partner about it because I'd been banging on for so long about wanting a baby I didn't want to admit that now he's here I wasn't so keen after all! But once I did speak to him he was great - I'm sure your partner will want to support you when he knows how you're feeling - tell him you've been reading up on it and how common it is to feel this way.

After eight weeks your body and hormones are still all over the place so you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to get used to this whole baby thing.

Definitely worth talking to your HV or doctor in case it is PND, just talking about it might help more than you think.

My baby is now 4 months and is wonderful - and a couple of months ago I could never have imagined typing that. It will get better I promise!

both mine were screamy babies and I thought I was going to go out of my mind. Have you had your baby checked out by the GP just in case it isn't only colic (but something like reflux)?

One thing that helped - I found a really supportive mother and baby group (run by a church - I'm not religious but it was the most friendly one I found!). I explained that my babies were screamy babies (they had reflux, food allergies, eczema, asthma gggrr) and when I arrived at the group, a lovely old dear used to scoop one of them up and cart them around on her shoulder so I could sit and have a cup of tea. It saved my sanity!

Have you looked for any groups near you?

They're babies for - say - 15 months.

Then toddlers for a couple of years; then children for about ten years; then adults for decades.

Just getting through another day is enough. The next stage is just around the corner and will be new and different. My dd is almost 3 - and talks and talks and talks - flights of imagination, learns things. Also exhausting - but requires a totally different kind of mothering.

day by day.

I liked the baby stage but parts of it were still demoralising, exhausting, frightening and underlaid with guilt. And dh and I had a very rough patch indeed. And those first weeks are a culture shock like nothing else. And there is a huge taboo to admitting you're not in the highest heaven of bliss - bound up with everything we want to be and are supposed to be as mothers.

I am printing this thread as I thought I would keep it in my breastfeeding box so I can look at your replies when I am feeling low. Thank you again to everyone who posted.

anonymiss, I think you should talk to your husband/partner. My missus broke down one day when our R was about 2 months old and just said she couldn't cope anymore. I didn't know! I thought she had taken to being a mother so naturally. But she was getting totally frazzled by R's pramphobia (that has passed thank gawd) and by the total groundhog-day-ness of it all.

I gave her the weekend off, shoved her out the door. She went horse riding, shopping and spent an evening at a friends (phoning every hour to check up on us!) - she came back refreshed and rejuvinated. Now that I'm aware of it, it is now a win win situation. My missus gets time off and I get to spend time with my son. He's 7mths now and spends most of the time either laughing or chewing - it does get easier, but get some help, it'll be good for all of you.

AAaah, you sound lovely MrShev!

Seriously, though he speaketh sense. You need to be able to step back and let your partner know how you are feeling so that he can help. I hated the first year, it is a fog of which I have virtually no good memories. I too felt that I should be loving every minute instead of feeling trapped and exhausted. I did not address these feelings and felt that I should just get on with the relentless drudgery as I had made my bed. I went back to work at 16weeks too! Looking back, I think my biggest mistake was allowing myself to become completely subsumed by being a mother and everything revolved around that. I couldn't go out as I was a mother, I couldn't buy new stuff for me only the baby, etc. If you have a support network of friends & families, which is SO important, then use them to get a break - even if it is an hour lying in the bath with a glass of wine!

DD is now 4.5yo and LOVELY, but drives me to distraction in other ways!! But it has got better. Unfortunately you have to go through the shock of the first baby to get there!

MrShev you are so right and im sure your missis appreciates what you do.

anonymiss if you find you get very low please see your GP. If it is PND they are normally very good and know it will pass, so therefore understanding and will prescribe anti-depressants to get you through.

I persevered with dd1 but with dd2 recognised my symptons (bursting into tears every 5 mins) and the meds helped me. I used for about 3 months until I felt better in myself.

As other have said I am sure the Post Natal Depression threads will have some good advice.

Also as the spring arrives and the sun gets out and you can go out more that always makes you feel better. I think this time of year makes everyone on a low.

annonymiss, if it's any consolation my 2nd came out screaming and didn't stop for 3 months when she turned into a little angel. She did have gastric reflux though so it might be worth having your LO checked just to eliminate this. I felt the same as you with my 1st then at 10 weeks something clicked and it all fell into place. I hated everyone in my babygroup for saying it was love at 1st sight and how easy it all was. I ditched them as soon as I realised they were fakes and only hang around with the haggard brigade these days.
A cautionary note on feeling low: don't let it escalate and please talk to your DH, he might even be feeling the same as you. My friend kept it all in until her DD was 14 months when her DH came home to find the fridge full of nappies, all the food in the changing table and his wife sobbing on the sofa. She was put on ADs and life got a lot rosier but it's awful to suffer in silence.

I definately think you should have a chat to your DH about how you're feeling. It sounds like you think you're not entitled to feel down because you've had lots of support, that's so not the case! Everybody handles new motherhood differently... My parents came and lived with us for the first 10 weeks, so I had babysitters on hand, never had to cook a meal, do the washing etc etc and I still found the whole experience shattering. I frequently told my DH that I didn't like having a baby and found that just having a bit of quiet sympathy was very helpful. Being able to burst into tears in front of him instead of having to leave the room and pretend everything is fine will save you a lot of energy, if nothing else!
And it does get better!!

Just a quicky to say I know exactly how you feel. I don't like the baby bit either but I feel very guilty thinking it, let alone saying it. I had exactly the same feelings as you with both my dses (now 2 and 1) and it will pass. I promise. Ds2 had terrible colic for what felt like forever so I do understand.

If I could by-pass the whole baby bit I'd have zillions of dc.