Don't like motherhood

[anonymiss]

I have an 8 week old baby, but am not enjoying motherhood at all and am scared that I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My DD is beautiful and healthy and I should be so happy as she was a much wanted baby. However, since she was born she has been colicky and difficult to settle. I have tried all the usual remedies with little success and it seems that I am just going to have to wait for this to pass.

I am so low about not being able to have a shower or a bowel movement without hearing her crying. I am fed up of not even being able to go to a supermarket without her screaming, and of people coming up to me asking me why she is crying and what is wrong with her (I don't know and this is one of the things that upsets me a lot).

I have a lot of support from my partner and mum,as well as friends and HV, and feel so guilty about how low and anxious I am - I know many people have to cope with much worse, and by themselves. I know that I should be happy and coping much better, and am too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel; it was ok to admit to being low in the first few weeks after DD was born, but I think I should be over the baby blues now. I also feel guilty that I resent the restrictions on my life, and I know how selfish I sound just typing this. I am crying as I am sat here typing this. Does it ever get easier? I feel so ashamed and low.

Not really expecting a respone, just feel alone and felt in need of venting anonymously.

My advice would be to not mention the baby at all for a while. Talk to the mum first about her (if she remembers who she is!). Then offer to take the baby for a walk

pnd is not surprising. you have planned to have this baby but when it comes it is not what you thought it would be! I always thought luckily for me my first wasnt planned, i just spent the whole 9 months reading up about the actual pregnancy and was totally clueless when i actually had a LO. (I always feared the worst).. I dont think my MW could believe me! Oh help .. now what. There was an episode on brookside showing a woman banging her pram against the wall in despair, my sister said she had felt like that! Made me feel 100 times better.
and the post natal groups, although i look back in fondness they were an absolute nightmare, so diffiult to get to, fed, clean, changed baby, and no body admitted it was bloody hard

Anonymiss,

Firstly, congratulations. Congratulations on bringing your dd into the world and looking after her successfully for 9 weeks now. Congratulations as well on having the guts to say how bad it has and can be and having the courage to do something about it.

I have been very lucky with my dd (now 6 months old). She has always been a wonderful baby, extremely placid and happy to the point at which I can probably count the number of times she has really cried on one hand. On top of that, she slept through the night from 10 weeks. I'm not saying this to brag or get you down, more to illustrate that even with a "good" baby, you can still wonder what the hell you've done! I spent about the first 20 weeks bored, wishing I was at work, not wanting to have to look after dd and compared to your experience, I had nothing to moan about. I'm pleased to say I'm enjoying it a lot more now, and I am sure it will be the same for you.

IMHO it takes an exceptional person to meet the challenges a new baby brings, especially one that cries a lot and has colic, whilst also having PND. Taking the prozac you've been prescribed by your GP is simply taking the help on offer and is in no way an admission of failure.

Now your dh knows you've have been finiding things difficult, why not try working out some time off with him? Could you hand over dd to him one evening a week or a saturday or sunday morning? Take the time to do something you want to, be it have a long bath, going to the gym or the shops, meet a friend for dinner or brunch? It'll do you the world of good and give him first hand experience of what you do every day. I agree with everyone else about geting out - I try to have at least 3 things lined up for the week to break up the time.

Best of luck, try to remember it won't be like this forever.

i find myself i dont start to enjoy them untill they reach 2 years,that doesnt make me a bad mum.i now have 2 boys wouldnt change it for the world.

anonymiss, just checked in to see how you're doing. Glad to contribute to a supportive thread.
Mumsnet has totally saved my sanity, once when my ds was brand new and a couple of years ago when I had a mc. The support here was unbelievable and I'm still grateful for it. It was good that your post was so honest and upfront - it makes all the difference to tell the truth don't you think?
All the best and FWIW I would give anything to have a tough day with ds as a baby again - it went by so quickly but I loved it so much! Love him now too of course but there isn't much like the heavenly wallowing with a much wanted baby! If you have enough cake and tea and Hello magazine as well imo and a phone nearby.

This article in the Guardian by a woman about sometimes feeling hatred for your child was really interesting:

\link{http://www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,1932452,00.html}

Sorry I just can't do that link thing I'm a biff.

www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,1932452,00.html

I'm still following this thread and finding everyone's comments very helpful. Yesterday, DH looked after DD for a couple of hours so I could go out and do some shopping. This was the first time I had ever left her, and although DH is very hands on, the first time he has cared for her alone.

I couldn't believe how strange - and good - it felt to go round shops without DD, it was a bit like missing a limb! And when I got home, DH said to me "I can see why you get low when you are all day with DD" (she had cried a bit during my absence). I can't believe how much I enjoyed a break, and how much I missed DD.

Isn't it strange that at the ante-natal classes, they get mums in to tell you how wonderful it all is and how much they are enjoying it. Perhaps all mums to be should be made to look at some of the threads here for a more representative idea of what to expect?

This sounds just like I felt at 8 weeks. At 9 weeks I remember sitting on the settee and seriously thinking about asking someone to take ds1 away I felt so low and, like you, thougt I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. My solution was to put him on a routine and the colicky crying stopped overnight and I foudn him much more manageable. I now have 2 ds's and still sometimes find it hard but they are much more interesting and rewarding as they get older imo - I've still had to come to terms with the loss of freedom I used to enjoy pre-motherhood but things are much better. It just takes time.

Lack of sleep can make you depressed so it's not your fault.

Going back to work (at least part time) is sometimes easier as well, when you're ready.

Fabulous you got a break Anonymiss. I bet you if you go to the supermarket without your DD you will catch yourself rocking the trolley

Interesting what you say about telling the ante-natal classes about more negative experiences. I couldn't believe no-one had told me how hard motherhood could be. But then I eventually realised that I wouldn't have actually understood what they were saying. A bit like giving birth.... how do you describe it to someone who hasn't?

Keep up with the breaks and shopping trips - and how lovely that your DP was able to understand how hard it must be for you

Anonymiss - I meant to say this earlier about the supermarket: lots of babies hate supermarkets, including mine. They hate the changes of temperature I think - gust of hot air as you go in through the doors, then freezing cold in the refrigerated aisles. So, have you tried using a sling so that the baby is strapped to your body while you're in there? I found that helped. Also, if any one asks you why baby is crying, just say "doesn't like supermarkets."

Elasticwoman is right and not only for the supermarket. A sling is a great idea. I have already almost forgotten what was only 7 months ago for me. It is hard to believe that you do forget the tough times (well maybe not completley). Anyway when my son had Colic and there was nothing else I could do except cope with the crying, I put him in a sling round the house. It was ridiculously difficult to get on but once I got him into it, he was a little calmer. He was also easier to carry and I had my hands free to do things which made the time pass better. On a really bad day when he would fall asleep in the sling, I would sit down and put my feet up with him still there . Being upright seemed to help.

Earplugs can be good too. Sounds crazy but you can still hear them cry (and tell when it has changed) but it just takes the noise level down a bit. Lets face it, it is rather noisy when they are right by your ear all day.

The only thing with the baby carrier is to make sure they don't get too hot particularly with all the crying. Shouldn't be a problem this time of year as wearing one less layer is possible.

Hope this helps.

Motherhood is a bitch from hell and an angel from heaven. There aint no getting away from that, kiddo. I have been doing it for nearly 9 years now, having had 3 babies in 5 years and I am here to tell you that you are absolutely right to feel regret, horror and fear at what you have done. And if there is one woman reading this who hasn't ever for one minute felt a bit like you then they are either in denial or they are Stepford mothers. Your life has been taken over by a wonderful, terrifying alien who you are supposed to understand completely. Why does she cry in supermarkets? No frigging idea is the right answer to that one. Why can't you get a shower or have a poo in peace? Cos you have a 8-week baby who needs you and no-one else right now! Is she doing it on purpose to wreck your life? Yes! No, of course she's not but you still sort of think it's a deliberate plot - I recognise the feeling. Relax, honey and go with the messy flow. Yes, your life has changed forever. Yes, you will experience moments of deep regret. Do I? Not a single one. My boys are now 8,7 and 3 and they are their own fab little people. I didn't cope well with babies but hey, it passes and you get to spend loads of time with interesting, funny, clever, daft, cuddlesome children who are the best in the world ever. Accept your feelings. They will change. You will not feel like this in a year (or even six month's) time. Get out and about as much as possible - it doesn't matter where. Get someone else to do the supermarket run though - or order online. Good luck - and stop worrying, it's happened now, you've got to work out how to make the best of it.

I also couldn't believe how hard becoming a mum was.DD was very fussy and hard to settle and I felt v. low and tired like I had never known before. I settled her into a fairly strict routine, became confident enough to know that every time she cried it wasn't for food and slept when she did and it did make a diffeence. Also, I know it seems like a long way off, but at 12 weeks they do start to cut a night fed out so you (hopefully!)should start having good chunks of sleep.

Oh Anonymiss, I'm SO glad you got to got out and have some time away from the relentless crying- it is so important. I remember days on end when I simply didn't go out, as I was too embarrassed to go to baby groups etc as dd1 would simply be dreadful- but the worst thing is looking at the same four walls, usually through tear- drenched eyes! Get your hubby to look after your lo every weekend, even if it's just a couple of hours- you will then be able to look forward to planning something special for yourself as a reward for getting through another tough week. I found a massage really helped- they aren't cheap (although I found a place that would do 45 mins for 30 quid, which was so worth it for me) but you can totally shut off- just don't choose somewhere in a department store as you might be able to hear other people's screaming babes which will totally ruin it for you!!! If you haven't got enough money to treat yourself with something like this try just going to the library and reading the papers, or a good book- amazing what somewhere quiet and civilised will do for your mood. So pleased that you have taken the right steps and spoken to the right people- here's hoping you start to feel human again quickly. good luck!

Well done for getting out anonymiss, why don't you book yourself another 2 hours next weekend and you'll have something to look forward to?
All the best

Like many others I just wish I'd known about Mumsnet when my girls (now 8 and 5) were babies - such realistic comments and support.
I really struggled with the baby/toddler stage both times, but started to enjoy the kids much more when they could talk, and now they don't stop! The hard part seems to last for ever at the time, but one day you do wake up and realise it has changed and you can move on.
As babies, mine cried a lot because basically they were both limpets, so eventually I just gave in and worked out how to do things one-handed or with them in a baby sling. (Ask around for a good one or take someone shopping with you to find a design that suits you - they are a lot easier to manage than they used to be.)
I guess you choose your battles and I just couldn't stand the crying, so decided to cope with tired arms instead. I've also had swaddling strongly recommended for nighttime (now that sleeping with your baby in your bed isn't recommended any more).
Finally, choose one or two daytime TV programmes that are bearable and make them a guilty pleasure - Countdown was my favourite along with some bizarre foreign soap. Tea, cake and baby on my tummy as I indulged in watching naff TV.

My little dd is now nearly four weeks old, and as much as I love her being all tiny and cute it would be quite nice if she slept longer than two hours at a time and went longer between feeds. As I sit here it's nearly half past two and I still haven't bothered to get dressed....
She was going for four hours, then it dropped to three, and now she's taking four or five ounces of milk every two hours and not even bringing any back up. Is this a growth spurt? I'm hoping so cos then it might pass!
Just want to say congrats to anonymiss for having the guts to admit there's a problem, and thanks to all the other excellent mums who cheerfully tell you life is one long struggle and not to worry about it. It's such a relief to hear the truth, and a bit of support!

Can you believe this... I actually thought I would have time to start writing a novel on my maternity leave.....

It's one of the best kept secrets in the world. How hard is it to look after a baby! I sat snowed under in my office or running around the shopfloor revelling in the fact that I would have an incredible 3 months off work. Then ds1 arrived and even though I'd had major surgery barely 6 hours ago (cs) they actually wanted me to feed, dress, cuddle the thing. Where was my convalescence in a cosy room with people waiting on me hand and foot. They hauled me out of bed and told me to fill my own water jug from the kitchen down the hall. They disturbed my sleep by sending different health related vistors every two hours to fill in forms and ask questions. And all the while ds1 was waking up and screaming for food or just screaming.

The first weeks at home became an endless round of sleep, see to ds1, sleep, see to ds1, sleep, see to ds1....
The first few months became sleep, see to ds1, glare at the state of the house, sleep, see to ds1, glare at the washing up....

Everyone kept saying it will get better after the first 3 months. It did...I had to go back to work. I was exhausted, fed up and (have to mention it twice)exhausted but that little time to myself during my lunch break allowed me to be me again and not just a mother.

I wasn't depressed. ds1 was a fairly easy baby. I just wasn't prepared for having to give my life up.

Reading these messages is an even better tonic than my 6pm glass of wine (only 20 minutes to go now before I can indulge!) Thank you again to everyone, I didn't expect my rant of a week ago to generate much response. It has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, but I know that things will get better, and the messages on here are helping keep a sense of perspective. XX

glad you are feeling supported and have a sympathetic GP. I had lost where thi thread was and had been wondering how you were. Hope you DD settles soon from her colic. Take care and it will get better (as they start to they giggle).

Anonymiss....feel so much for you. My ds was like this as a baby and I was completely miserable. You have no idea how long it took me to admit I wasnt a very good mum and didnt like it much either. However, after some anti depressants and of course, time, things started to look brighter. I was so angry after I had my son...they spend all this bloody time preparing you for pregnancy and birth...thats the easy bit! What about when you get the little buggers home? Sounds like you are coping really well to me. Good luck.