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Original poster

Hate my MIL holding my baby

59 replies

KLG3101 · 20/03/2016 12:27

I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate my MIL touching and holding my baby. She's 6 weeks old. MIL is a lovely lady. She's old school and I know would treat our daughter with care and love. However I hate when she picks her up. She wants to take her for the day and I can't beat the thought. Am I a complete bitch??

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Afreshstartplease · 20/03/2016 12:32

6 week olds need to be with mummy

No way would anyone have been taking any of mine for a day at that age

Figgygal · 20/03/2016 12:32

Is it just your mil you have problems with? What's your relationship normally like?

In terms of her having lo it's up to you if you not comfortable then she'll have to wait. What does she want her for? To help you and give you a break or to show her off. Might also depend if you're bf or not

CaptainWarbeck · 20/03/2016 12:33

The whole day at 6 weeks old?! Not a chance if she were mine.

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tribpot · 20/03/2016 12:34

Are your feelings related to her wish to take the baby for the day? That would be a flat-out NO from me, and I would feel uncomfortable about someone like that holding my baby too. However well-intentioned her wish is she needs to be told no once and fully accept that. If she's been told and she doesn't, that feels threatening.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 20/03/2016 12:49

No way would I be allowing someone to take my baby for a day at 6 weeks. It sounds like it's really upsetting you. Just make it clear that she can when the baby is a bit older but you feel she's too young at the moment. You'll probably love having some time to do something for yourself.

As far as just holding her, you have to relax about that. She's a loving blood relative and your daughter could have an amazing relationship with her grandmother.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 20/03/2016 12:53

Holding her for a cuddle - that's unreasonable, you need to allow her, as long as she isn't taking her when you need to feed or after you have asked for her back.
Taking her out for the day - she's fucking bonkers.

MrsSteptoe · 20/03/2016 13:13

I can't help feeling it would be healthier in terms of family dynamics to let your MIL cuddle your baby, tho not take him off for a full day, obvs. Hating anyone else cuddling him at six weeks sounds a bit strong.
My DS, now 13, frequently mourns the lack of a relationship with his grandparents. (One dead when he was born, one 76 year old who was chairbound after a stroke and hadn't ever been really interested in grandchildren anyway, one 81 year old who would have loved to do things with him but was much too fragile and also really quite deaf, and one in her late seventies who is riddled with arthritis. Only the last one is still alive - my parents died when he was 4 and 10.)
DS really is aware that he has missed out on something that his friends have had, and he can see that it's been really positive for them.
Obviously, I have no idea what kind of GM your MIL will be, but in terms of picking up your baby and cuddling her, perhaps you could see it as letting strong relationships with extended family develop from the start, with contact while you're there. I would even go as far as to say that it's your responsibility to let a bond develop, particularly if you know that your MIL will be positive, responsible, caring, loving etc.
I don't know, but I imagine the mothers of new dads are quite anxious about being sidelined because they aren't the new mother's mother, if you see what I mean!

Hope you find a comfortable place with it, OP.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2016 13:16

No to taking her for the day.

Yes to touching and holding, sorry.

Ocelotsmama · 20/03/2016 13:31

I think its completely normal and natural. Not completely reasonable maybe but who cares, you shouldn't have to be reasonable about it. I hated the midwives and health visitors touching my baby and was very suspicious of our cat being any where near her which might sound sensible but was so unnecessary the case of our cat. You are so full of hormones that make you capable of incredible things like barely sleeping and coping with pain and falling head over heels in love and they also can make you feel like not letting your baby out of your sight. Thats fine in my opinion. Its 1000's of years of evolution. And although I am newish to this parenting game I am beginning to think that part of it is developing the ability to say no to things you are uncomfortable with despite the social pressure to be nice. So while you might have to let her hold her a bit don't feel bad about hating it and put your foot down about the day out if for you it sounds unbearable. (Personally was like a cat on a hot tin roof when a friend took my 3month old down the street for ten minutes the first time.)

Ocelotsmama · 20/03/2016 13:38

What I should have also said is that I am sure it will pass! My bubs happily crawls into the arms of strangers now - once she has subjected them to a critical stare! She is happy and out going and I am so pleased and proud watching her befriend everyone she meets.

MintyBojingles · 20/03/2016 14:20

She should be allowed cuddles and to hold her, but I wouldn't let her take her for the day at that age!

DangerMouth · 20/03/2016 14:26

I felt like this with both my dc. Not specifically MIL just that l needed to hold them. Not rational l know! But it's the hormones and your way of keeping your tiny dc safe (in an instinctual way).

But definitely not taking your ds for a day.

BackforGood · 20/03/2016 14:28

No idea if you are a bitch or not, I don't know you, but it's a bit extreme to not want to let your baby's Grandma have a cuddle.
Is it just her or does the same apply to anyone who wants a cwtch with your baby?

Caterina99 · 20/03/2016 14:29

I consider myself pretty relaxed regarding my DS (now 9 months). Happy to let whoever hold him, left him with my parents for a few hours when he was a few weeks old, left him overnight at 5 months. Just glad for any break to be honest.

So, your mil wanting to hold DD is fine in my opinion, as long as she gives her back when you ask. Wanting to take her out for the day at 6 weeks is weird and you definitely need to put her straight on that one

outputgap · 20/03/2016 14:31

Totally normal, mate. Every hormone in your body is screaming "that's my baby, give her to me".

I'm about to have dc3 and my family know that I get all mummy cat for the first few weeks. I can't help it, and I'm not apologising for it. In fact anyone who looks at me funny from about 34 weeks is risking life and limb.

Why in the name of God would anyone take a 6 week old baby from their mother for a whole day? Fuck. That. Shit.

Lucked · 20/03/2016 14:35

Just explain a day is too much for you just now. At 6 weeks my mum and mil used to take the baby for a walk, whilst I had a cup of tea and read the paper. Slightly older and I would drop and do a supermarket run or get a quick hair cut.

Hating it when mil picks your baby up is not a normal response and something you are going to have to address.

outputgap · 20/03/2016 14:37

Oh and despite not getting much (or zero) in the way of newborn snuggles, my mum and dad and my dc are as thick as thieves now. They all adore each other, see each other all the time, and I am very very happy for grandparents to have them as much as they want!

aLeafFalls · 20/03/2016 14:37

I wonder if you'd feel happier with MIL holding your baby if your MIL wasn't wanting to take your tiny infant away for a whole day?

What is it with these Grandmothers who want overnighters with their newborn grand children? Comes up on here all the time, upsetting the mothers, baffling.

I'm a grandma of 6 btw.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 20/03/2016 14:44

Not a bitch at all, I didn't want anyone to touch my DD for months!! I definitely wouldn't have let anyone take her away from me for a whole day, at that stage.

However it is good for your lo, and her grannie, and you, to let go a little bit, and let your mil take her for increasing amounts of time.
Your mil and your DD need to bond and little bits of time where they can get used to each other are very good at gradual bonding.
Furthermore if your mil can take DD and you can have a bath, go for a walk, or do any jobs you want to do fuck that, I mean sit in a quiet room eating chocolate then all the better for you too.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby

FeckOfffCup · 20/03/2016 14:45

I can understand why you feel like this - I think the hating her holding the baby thing will pass. There were a few people that I didn't like holding DS at first and I had no idea why, it stopped bothering me after a while.

However, do not feel pressured to let anyone take her for the day if you don't want them to.
There is no way I would have let someone take 6 week old DS away for an hour never mind a full day. Put your foot down and only agree to what you feel comfortable with.

outputgap · 20/03/2016 14:46

aLeaf, my mum calls them 'the babystealers'! Apparently they approach her at bus stops asking how many nights she's having the new baby for. She regards them somewhat like a sinister granny mafia, all disappointed when dils can successfully breastfeed. I shit you not.

BettyBi0 · 20/03/2016 14:53

I think it's natural instinct and hormones kicking in that make you dislike her holding the baby. I felt the same with my newborn - especially when people picked her up without asking, held her for too long, walked out of sight or held her in a way I didn't like ( might be a bit PFB but I don't care ). Worst of all was when people held her when she was crying like they couldn't admit defeat not fixing the crying and refused to put her down or give her back to me. Ugh my mum did that all the time and it made me rage inside!

As for the taking her out for the day. No Fing way! At 6 weeks she needs to be with you.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/03/2016 14:56

Ha granny mafia!

It's normal. I found it hard to watch my Mil wind my first son. i just felt she was doing it wrong. Not very rational I know.

However, as a pp said, it's important for your baby to have a good relationship with her grandmother and she could be an invaluable help for you when your daughter is a bit older.

No to the whole day at this early stage, if only because you wouldn't be able to relax and would worry all day without her. Congrats on your dd

EverySecondCounts · 20/03/2016 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UntamedShrew · 20/03/2016 15:03

It might just be your hormones, not you. By try to remember that one day you'll be the granny and you'll ache with love for your baby's baby too. I had to tell myself this as I had similar issues with my MIL and it helped me reconcile things with myself. I think she is asking too much if she wants a whole day and maybe that's making you feel defensive of your bond with your baby?

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