Hate my MIL holding my baby

[KLG3101]

I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate my MIL touching and holding my baby. She's 6 weeks old. MIL is a lovely lady. She's old school and I know would treat our daughter with care and love. However I hate when she picks her up. She wants to take her for the day and I can't beat the thought. Am I a complete bitch??

[spanky2]

I didn't want anyone to hold my babies either. But it is unreasonable behaviour and you have to let family and friends hold the baby. You need to trust them. No for the whole day.

[Fugghetaboutit]

In terms of evolution, it's not really natural or normal for the baby's father's mother to be holding your newborn. This is a relatively new phenomena.
Hormones are driving you right now.
Just remember, your baby will always be coming back to you after she's done cuddling!

[KLG3101]

Thank you to everyone for replying. I'm clearly a hormonal bitch! I have no problem with other people holding DD, only my MIL. She's a lovely caring lady but we have never been close. Could go weeks without seeing her and we live 5 minutes away. She is overly opinionated without really knowing it. DH sees his father daily through work so he never feels the need to visit st weekends which suited me as I didn't have to see his mum. Until now that we have a daughter!

She made a comment about people asking why she hadn't had DD on her own which got my back up but made me think am I being unrealistic. I suppose I could leave her for an hour once a week to go to the gym/have a cup of my own but I just don't feel ready.

She has been so cruel about her other grandchildren and spoken about their weight / the way the children act and it makes my skin crawl that she speaks sbout them like that. It's probably imbedded in me now and I'm scared she is like that with our daughter.

[spanky2]

Your dd may be the golden child who won't get bad mouthed. She doesn't sound that lovely to me. I see why you are cautious. Do the grandchildren's parents know what she says?

[KLG3101]

Yes they are aware I think. They moved overseas with BIL's work and have no intention of coming home. They like that they can avoid her! They stay with SILs mother when in UK which speaks for itself.

[Ohsotired123]

I am exactly the same as you. Although my mil has acted very controlling since DD was about4 weeks, but before that I hated it aswell. My reason was because I always felt we had to go round to their house and 'hand baby over'. Even when baby was sleeping my partner would whisper to me 'you going to let my mom hold?' Babies are not dolls and need to be with their parents for bonding purposes most of the time for the first year in my opinion. Of course grandparents need to establish a bond too but they need to understand that you are still mum.

I think if you get on with her and have a good relationship then there's something a bit deeper going on. Is it because you think mil is going to be quite a prominent role in your LO life and you don't want her to ever step on your toes? Is it because when she holds your baby she is a baby hogger? There must be some thought going through your mind to make you feel this way.

[Sprink]

She's a lovely caring lady

The bulk of your post does not support this assertion.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

You only had a baby a few weeks ago, so you're probably not in the best frame of mind to start analysing your relationship with MIL.
For now, letting her have a few cuddles in your company seems fine. Try not to be too overprotective of your baby if possible.

[aLeafFalls]

outputgap child stealing baby mafia .
OP, not surprised you feel the way you do, after your description of your MIL.
She doesn't sound like someone I'd have wanted holding my infant either.

[Pinkheart5915]

I wouldn't mind all the cuddles etc she wants to give, she's just an excited granny. At 6 weeks I wouldn't let baby go for a day though.
My parents have had ds for the day but he was 5 months old

[Tiggywinkler]

Your hormones + history with being slightly uncomfortable with your MIL are running riot right now. Doesn't make you a bitch though.

I was exactly the same - it didn't help that my MIL was obsessed with taking my baby out of my sight. She'd openly laugh at my discomfort too.

Once your baby is a bit older (and your hormones have calmed down a bit!) you can work on implementing clear, kind, consistent boundaries. It helped me to think that it was best for my child to have a great relationship with their GM, but if she over-stepped the mark, that I could calmly and rationally regain control of the situation.

I know how hard it is. One thing that helped me was encouraging my MIL to reminisce about her newborn babies - I could compliment her on being such a fabulous, caring, protective Mum, and hope that I could do the same for my baby. It helped her remember those Tiger Mama emotions, I think!

[KLG3101]

I know I have contradicted myself by saying she's lovely but also stating the remarks she makes about their grandchildren. I am trying to convince myself she's lovely. She's lovely to the outside world however the family get the brunt of her and the opinions she has on EVERYONE. I just feel that if she speaks about her other DIL and children what does she say of me.

I guess I'm finding it hard because she always just presumed she'd care for our children when I go back to work part time although DH and I have applied to a nursery we wish to use. I haven't explained this yet!!

[Tiggywinkler]

You don't have to convince yourself she's lovely - she doesn't sound lovely at all.

This doesn't mean that you can't have a functioning relationship with her though, just that it will be a bit more difficult and will require attention, care and consistent boundaries for it to work.

Accept nothing from her except civility, and in turn be calm in your dealings. You'll also have to learn to pick your battles, but I suspect the conversation about nursery will be one you'll want to think through carefully first. Maybe sit down with DH and agree together how you're going to approach that one!

[spanky2]

Think carefully before letting your mil have unsupervised access to your dd. She has form for being so unkind part of her family have moved abroad and never stay at her house when they come back!

[winkywinkola]

It's normal to feel that way. Utterly unreasonable but normal.

You've had all these new tigress feelings awoken in you. It's very early days. It WILL get better and you will feel less anxious/worried/annoyed by anyone holding your precious bundle.

I used to hate my mil holding my babies too. She would take them from me though and talk about having them with her full time and laugh and say she wasn't their mummy but how she could be and how breast milk would never be enough for them. General undermining shit. But then she's an empty headed woman with an empty life. I learned a lot from her about how not to behave around a new mother.

I hope your mil is a kind and lovely lady. The first year of being a mother is a massive adjustment and try not to let negative feelings swallow you up. It's easily done.

Congratulations on your new little one!

[tribpot]

Not sure where you got your conclusion I am clearly being a hormonal bitch from when virtually every poster has either agreed or sympathised with you - and that was before you posted your update which suggests that your MIL is pretty awful and at best a lot of work.

You won't be telling her about the nursery, your DH will be doing that. Childcare is his responsibility too and this is a choice you are making together.

I think her comment that 'people are asking' why she hasn't had the baby for the day yet is quite telling. I would say 'by all means tell them I'm being PFB but I don't want to be apart from dd yet' and laugh it off.

[sophiaslullaby]

I've had these feelings about my PIL's and my DS (first child). My MIL takes my son (5months now) from my arms before asking me as if she's doing me a favour....I actually quite LOVE holding my son thankyou! My MIL would act very maternal towards my son like he was her own....gradually come to realise she is his Grandmother and is acting as one should. It takes a village to raise a child, so the saying goes. But you are your childs mother and will have final say - so let family hold, love and help raise your daughter. She will still always be your baby and your family knows that - providing they are reasonable...!

I thought about my own relationship I had with my paternal grandparents - I ADORED them. I can see that my MIL will be the perfect Grandmother to my son so have had to put my hormonal (weird, over-protective, lioness-like!) feelings aside and think of my child and his relationships, they're nothing to do with me & my feelings. Incidently I do have good relationship with my MIL, can just be bit hit & miss at times.

I also fully agree with the points Everysecondcounts said, your MIL is probably meaning no harm at all, but I would gently tell her that you're not ready to leave your 6 week old for a whole day and have NO shame is saying it.
Instead why not let your MIL take her for a walk around the block - MIL gets her granddaughter for 20 mins and you get to drink a hot cup of tea and read a magazine in peace. Make it an hour if you can and grab a nap.

[Shutthatdoor]

it's not really natural or normal for the baby's father's mother to be holding your newborn

[badg3r]

I can understand why you don't like her holding her. You are feeling pressured into handing dd over for a day for the sole benefit of mil, and then every day when you go back to work. I would not feel comfortable around anyone who was trying to force reduced contact between me and my child, however sporadically. She is your child. You are hard wired to protect her.
However, I think you just need to grab the bull by the horns and tell her about the nursery, and that you are not comfortable leaving dd yet as it would not be to either of your benefit, so thank you for the offer but no thanks for now.

[Shesinfashion]

OP starts her thread saying she hates her MIL touching and holding her baby. Setting aside the weird idea of taking a 6 week old for a day trip, this is odd. OP says she's a nice lady. Why can't she connect with her grandchild in a socially acceptable and natural way?

[FeckOfffCup]

Why can't she connect with her grandchild in a socially acceptable and natural way?

She can, it's just OP doesn't like it, whether that's irrational or not. You can't help the way you feel sometimes. OP hasn't tried to stop her seeing the baby or picking her up.
A lot of posters have related to this while acknowledging it's not completely rational or reasonable and while giving practical advise on how to deal with it and not cause a rift.

I think your post is pretty harsh tbh and uncalled for. OP has a six week old baby. When DS was that age I was still all over the place emotionally and completely PFB checking he was breathing every 5 minutes. I was nowhere near ready to have anybody take him out for a day, it takes different parents different lengths of time to feel comfortable and settled.

Mil is BU by expecting to have had DD already for a full day and for presuming she will be looking after the baby when OP goes back to work. Neither are her decisions to make (although, it is very kind of her to offer) an offer doesn't mean OP and DH have to take her up on it.

[Juliecloud]

I was the same. I hated any of the grandparents holding my babies. They would come in and take the baby out of my arms without saying anything. Then they wouldn't give the baby back to me when I asked. Which made it even harder! I know they would say that I got to see DC all the time and they didn't, or that they were giving me a break but I didn't want one. I suffered from severe post natal anxiety and I struggled to be apart from my DCs so them taking them off me did not give me a break at all, it sent my anxiety levels through the roof.

[Juliecloud]

And yes, I know they are only being kind and wanting to spend time with their grandchildren but I can't help the way I felt.

[KLG3101]

FeckOfffCup And Juliecloud - thank you!!!

Both of your posts, thank you.

I just don't like my DD being taken out of my arms so I can 'have a cup of tea' when I don't even want a f**ng cup of tea! I also should add MIL showed up unannounced today while I was in my PJs, as was DH. My mother would always call before popping in past.

I fully expect to let go of these over protective feelings i was just looking for some guidance in my hour of anxiety need!! I think there have been d ought responses on this thread to confirm I'm not alone and this is normal.

As an aside, how often do you all see your in laws? DH works 6 days a week. A Sunday is our only 'family day' for the three of us to spend quality time and I really don't want to spend it with my in laws!!