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Original poster

How do you stop yourself shouting at your children?

124 replies

Keeponmovin123 · 03/10/2015 21:27

I used to think I was calm when it came to parenting but I'm starting to find that part of me has been replaced with a shouty/annoyed/dare I say angry mother?

My kids are 4.5, 3 and 15 months. I have shouted at all of them, including the baby, this week and I'm so upset with myself. I didn't use to shout and now that I have started in the last six months or so, I am finding it hard to stop. Admittedly I am tired and I know I have a lot to deal with, but I find the squabbling / general difficult behaviour / not listening hard to deal with. I know there are many years of parenting ahead and I'd like to break myself out of this habit now.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom or coping strategies so that you do something else other than shout? Once you become a shouter can you get yourself out of this phase?

Thanks in advance

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NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 03/10/2015 22:02

I find myself in the same situation at times. I have DC similar ages to yours. I do think it's possible to stop shouting but I don't think it's easy. My problem is I experienced a lot of shouting and worse as a child and when I'm stressed/run down and my buttons get pressed I find myself reacting instead of parenting mindfully

The thing I've found that works is to take care of myself first. To make sure I'm well rested, I take a little time to myself and my needs aren't always last on the list. That and meditation (which has really slipped lately I must get back into it) and aiming to slow down my reactions to things. The noise and the mess get to me the most but being ignored is right up there. You're not on your own though. It's hard, isn't it? But I do think the difficult behaviour is because they need more love and connection with us and the bad feelings from us is usually a sign we are running on empty. I guess the answer is to put your own oxygen mask on before it becomes an emergency

I haven't time to read it properly yet but 'Calm parent, Happy kids' by Laura Markham has some good advice about this issue. Her website is really good too

horsewalksintoabar · 03/10/2015 22:06

Sleep. My answer to most problems. Flowers

Indole · 03/10/2015 22:17

Sometimes it is OK to shout, as long as not unreasonable. It is OK for children to realise that they have pushed someone too far, even quite little ones.

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ChickadeeChick · 03/10/2015 22:24

I lost it a bit tonight. Just raised voice but I know I was in the wrong and feel so guilty now Sad

rhetorician · 03/10/2015 22:27

best thing I find in addition to the things suggested already is to remember that it doesn't work. My eldest DD in particular just ramps up her behaviour if I shout; youngest cries. But it ain't easy - I too was never shouty before, and I am pretty patient. But...

FarelyKnuts · 03/10/2015 22:34

That big breath you take in when you're about to let a roar out? Hold it for 5 second and give yourself that small extra bit of time to think "How do I actually want to react here?"
Best tip I've ever heard.

Haggisfish · 03/10/2015 22:36

I think how do I want my dc to react when they are cross or frustrated? Do I want shouty children? No. It never works either. Dd in particular just bursts into tears and gets even more upset. I rarely shout as it just ramps up the tension. If I feel a real losing it moment, I go into a different room and scream and shout and then come back.

Haggisfish · 03/10/2015 22:38

And more often than not, if a situation arises where I need to shout, it's because dc are either knackered or are trying to get my attention. In both cases a big hug and asking what is really wrong usually resolves the situation more quickly.

DriveMeMad · 03/10/2015 22:47

WWI...

I've got far too shouty recently. It's what I grew up with and I hate hate hate repeating history. Very ashamed but I lose it so quickly and this voice rises up from nowhere Sad

BiscuitMillionaire · 03/10/2015 22:48

I realise that 90% of my shouting is when I'm trying to get them to leave the house - in the morning before school, or at the weekend to go out ANYWHERE. And they're not toddlers, they're 7 and 9! I've tried allowing extra time, explaining consequences, everything, but nothing works. I always end up shouting at them. Sad

FullOfChoc · 03/10/2015 22:59

mine are 8 and 10 and my shouting has been terrible recently.

I am going to ue the one about "how I would like them to behave when frustrated" and try and do better.

RitaConnors · 03/10/2015 23:04

By telling myself that I can't deal with other people like that. You don't yell at people at work or friends so why do we do it at our own children? I had that revelation whe I was at a bonfire night and one of my friends turned to my dh and ranted at him, thinking is was her own dh. Why be your best self for other people.

I'm not saying I don't shout at my dc,just that this helps me think about it!

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 03/10/2015 23:08

i pretend cameras are filming my every move for a parenting show.

either that or I tell them that I need 5 minutes peace before I go nuts, and shut the door of my room while I sort my shit out.

or just sometimes I have a little shout. If it's only very occasional then that's not so bad.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/10/2015 23:18

nicecupofteaandasitdown I just wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you for recommending Laura Markham. I'd never heard of her, but I've been on her website for an hour and it's EXACTLY what I needed. Just ordered both her books on kindle too. THANK YOU.

plipplops · 04/10/2015 07:03

Second the 'pretend someone is watching' approach. Doesn't always work but I try to imagine the kind of parent I want people to think I am! Also it's mostly in the mornings so try and be more organised myself which helps a bit. Good luck

Thebirdsneedseeds · 04/10/2015 07:11

That's a good plan. Imagine a HV or the school HT or that perfect neighbour standing behind you. It's fine to be firm, it's fine to shout sometimes, it's about balance and being reasonable.

And you are not alone OP, I shouted at my 20mo and felt horrendously guilty. I don't have any other children and I'm a SAHM. We all have our limits, we are human.

knittingbee · 04/10/2015 08:06

Totally guilty of that here. It's tough, especially if your own mum is a yeller (mine is) as you kind of switch to default. When I want to shout, I deepen my voice instead and slow down what I'm saying, as well as getting down to kid level.

Original poster
Keeponmovin123 · 04/10/2015 08:35

Thank you all for your posts and suggestions.

Today is a new day and I'm going to give these suggestions a whirl and look at that website. Hopefully I can revert back to my older calmer self! Smile

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Original poster
Keeponmovin123 · 04/10/2015 08:36

Old calm self rather!

OP posts:
afreshstartplease · 04/10/2015 08:40

Sometimes I shout

It's usually due to massive frustration of asking some to do things 60 million times and them still not doing it

What I feel guilty about it that's it's often the same child

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 04/10/2015 12:50

whats you're welcome. It was indeed an 'aha' moment when I discovered her website particularly about time out as she summed up the feelings I had about it that I couldn't articulate. It's just so hard to find time to read I find but will keep trying. Our DC deserve it

Misty9 · 04/10/2015 22:43

I like Laura markham too (really should read her book instead of going on here...) and I'd also recommend how to talk so kids will listen...as another good book.

Sadly I rarely stop myself from shouting, but I have tried hugging my son (4) everytime I want to yell at him instead (if appropriate obviously). I am just a shouty mum and my children arouse anger in me that I never knew could exist; which is normal apparently, as they put us in touch with our inner child and whatever went on when we were children. And they are often irrational beings!

BlueChampagne · 05/10/2015 13:29

Admittedly mine are older (5 and 8), but we have borrowed the school's traffic light system. Particularly good gets them a green mark on the calendar; they get a maximum 3 amber warnings a day and then it goes to red, which at school means being sent to the head's office! It means they know exactly where they stand if I say "if you do that again, it's an amber warning"; better than me trying to explain and them drifting off and not listening and driving me madder. It's early days but so far so good.

FullOfChoc · 05/10/2015 18:54

Some great suggestions here.

I'm borrowing the traffic lights !

hookedonamoonagedaydreem · 05/10/2015 21:29

I also stopped doing some of the things that were pretty much guaranteed to make me shout, I have a list of things that never end well so I don't do them unless I have to. The DC's still make me shout, just not nearly as much.

Cooking dinner when the DC's are home from school is on the list, it's all batch cooking and re-heating now, or putting dinner on at 2pm...I used to get to a crucial bit and two of them would start fighting. The most I do after school is put on pasta or the rice cooker (another stress reviler, no more coming back from an emergency nappy change, or stuck child to find over done rice).

Also on the list is supermarket shopping, agreeing to be anywhere in the school holidays before 10.30/11am and play dates with children who trash the house.

If I am less stressed then generally I shout less so I really try not to do stressful stuff that can be avoided, the idea is that then leaves me to have a better attitude toward the unavoidable stuff that has the potential to be difficult.