How do you stop yourself shouting at your children?

[Keeponmovin123]

I used to think I was calm when it came to parenting but I'm starting to find that part of me has been replaced with a shouty/annoyed/dare I say angry mother?

My kids are 4.5, 3 and 15 months. I have shouted at all of them, including the baby, this week and I'm so upset with myself. I didn't use to shout and now that I have started in the last six months or so, I am finding it hard to stop. Admittedly I am tired and I know I have a lot to deal with, but I find the squabbling / general difficult behaviour / not listening hard to deal with. I know there are many years of parenting ahead and I'd like to break myself out of this habit now.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom or coping strategies so that you do something else other than shout? Once you become a shouter can you get yourself out of this phase?

Thanks in advance

My dd is only 18 months and I found myself very occasionally shouting at her when she was wingey crying and I was knackered.

I found deep breathing and shaking my hands as if shaking water off them to get rid of the tension, along with the mantra 'she's only expressing herself, she doesn't understand' has totally stopped it. For now. I'm sure I'll need more complex tactics in the future.

Yes, I never take both children to town shopping!

Thank you OP for this. I have the same problem. I have a 3.8 year-old and a 6 month-old. I find myself losing my temper at the drop of a hat these days - I know it's because I'm knackered but I feel awful about it. Some of it, though, is because I am not naturally patient as a person. I sometimes think I shouldn't have had kids, tbh - really not sure I have the right make-up for them, as much as I love them.

I will check out the Laura Markham stuff.

Sometimes DD1 says to me "don't get angry, Mummy." I'm glad at least she can tell me that. She is very very wilful but it's just as well.

My 3yo is driving me insane.

She has made a fuss over EVERYTHING this morning, what clothes, socks, underwear, how much milk and sugar goes on her weetabix, where she sits at the table.

I've got cross, shouted and gave her a few opportunities to start eating her breakfast and she didn't so I marched her off to her bed. She's a sniveling mess and I now feel sad and a bit ashamed and also totally clueless.

We have this fussing every day and I don't know how to break out of it. She won't choose her own clothes so I have to help and it ends up in a battle, I ask her what she wants for breakfast and let her help with the milk etc but she still makes a sodding fuss over it all. Every fucking day. For months now.

Like a pp I've tried to work out where the flashpoints are and try to avoid them but we're still in this rut.

I don't want to use bribes and threats anymore. I don't want to hike her up to her room and exclude her and make her feel bad.

She's recovers quicker than I do and is often soon laughing etc again but it sets me up badly for a while. I have a face like thunder currently. Plus I know it's just establishing shitty habits on both sides which I always promised I'd never as it's what my DM did.

How do I handle this better?

glowfrog mine are 3.10 and 14m and I hear you about not being made of the right stuff, this is how I feel.

I agree about feeling like I'm not cut out for it. But I always wanted kids. I can't stand Laura Markham either - something about her turn of phrase. Just a personal thing!

I love How To Talk though.

Flashpoint identifying is a good idea. Perhaps we can help each other with ideas?

I did used to shout loads more when DS was 3 or 4. They're just bloody frustrating at that age. I don't shout nearly as much now he is 7 but it does happen occasionally. Like the other morning we were late and he suddenly decided he wanted to wear different shoes. I said, nicely but clearly urgently "Don't take them off, we don't have time." He ignored me and carried on unlacing them, as though in slow motion, I tried to pick him up and leave, but he's too big now. So the red mist came down and I shouted, went over his head and I ended up jumping up and down on the floor I have NO idea where that came from! But I just can't deal with it when I need him not to do something, and he does it anyway.

Any ideas how a normal person would have responded to that? Other than having more time so that shoe changing would not be detrimental to lateness?

But he copies me - I can see it happening and I hate that and I need to not lose it totally. A little bit of shouting/firm telling off is fine, but not totally losing control and screaming, that is just ridiculous.

im often shouting at my kids. sod knows why. i find when shouting your not really heard. but i still do it. when i make my kids sit on the sofa and have words thats when they know their in shit street

Oh bertie I'm sorry but your post made me laugh.
Just because it sounds so familiar. We need to leave the house in 2 minutes, and ds will be wailing that he can't wear these trousers because they feel funny. And his socks are wet (?) and he needs to change them, but there are no "proper" socks in the overflowing sock drawer...
I have jumped up and down too. And shouted "Just put on some fucking socks!!" To a 9 year old.
We have had to add " no swearing " to the (short) list of house rules.

I often feel like I'm not cut out for parenting too especially compared with my perfect dh and definitely lack patience! I do find aha parenting very American, but the basic principles are in line with my beliefs. I just struggle to stick to them.

Today should be interesting: I've had a hideous bug, dh now has it and ds is sick. Dd however is full of beans... oh dear. Trying to ignore them as much as possible but ds is kicking my leg on the sofa and I can feel my irritation increasing..!

Always when I start shouting it is my internal alarm saying I need a break. This could be as early as 06.05am :) hee hee!!, but seriously when I feel more shouty than usual it is usually an early warning that a bigger meltdown is imminent and I am doing too much.

I need to check out, put myself to bed (like they did in the old days!) and chill for a bit, down time. Do you have someone to care for dc during the week occasionally? Are you doing too much too often?

Often it is being overwhelmed, over stretched, not having enough time to explain things properly or patience, being really tired and exhausted, these are triggers for me.

I cut back on as many commitments as possible for a few weeks, make more time for walking/fresh air. Take time out once a day even 5 minutes to tune out of the demands, breathing space. It is difficult to get more sleep but a nap in the afternoon possibly instead of doing more jobs and feeling more knackered. Lets face it, the list is never ever going to end. Putting yourself first more regularly. It makes you feel calm and more cared for, inspiring a more relaxed approach.

DriveMeMad it's nice to know I'm not alone!

For general fussing etc, I can highly recommend No Bad Kid: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury. It's in the school of positive parenting like Laura Markham and you can look up Lansbury's blog as well. Some very good strategies there.

I'm sure you've tried a lot of these things already but giving a clear choice often helps. Also using commands rather than requests, eg "we need to put clothes on, please" rather than "can we put clothes on, OK?"

My DD isn't particularly fussy but she is very wilful and our flashpoints tend to be around bedtime, when she mucks around big time. I know much of our problem is that we are both tired. I'm also starting to realise that sometimes it's because she's hungry. But she doesn't say she is! And if she decides she doesn't like her dinner or lunch, I'm not going to start making her a new one... I need to sort out some reasonably healthy snacks.

Misty9 TV was invented for the days like the one you're having.

Bertie maybe next time you can take the new shoes along and he can change them in the car/on the bus/at destination?

Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. Your three DC are very young and very close in age - you were quite ambitious there :)

I think you have to reconcile yourself to being quite strict and to laying down the law a bit. Be kind but very firm when giving instructions.

We're all doing much better than my next-door neighbours. I've heard shouting through the wall EVERY DAY since we moved in. They have 3 DC, youngest is 3. I've heard them calling him "you little cunt". :(

The other day, that 3 y/o was walking down the front garden quite calmly saying to his Dad, "I hate you, you're a fucking cunt." Three years old!

I'm only starting the Laura Markham ideas, but it's already changed the mood in the house. Especially with my 12 y/o. We hadn't been getting on AT ALL and he'd just shut himself in his room a lot. I've found that "checking in" with him every day having fun, non-advice-giving chats and just shooting the breeze has worked wonders. He's being really, really lovely.

i shouted this morning, at my other DC. It's when I leave things too late that I kick off. I should build in 10-15 minutes of time for "unexpected contingency happenings" before the school run. That way, if they faff around, it won't mean we're late.

I know I sometimes shout too much (though its nothing compared with how much I scream silently internally) but I cannot ever imagine swearing at my children.

WhatsGoingOn that's awful awful thing, I certainly don't feel I can judge, having felt the desire to slap my DD on more than one occasion, and occasionally handling her very roughly.

I would make a shitty spy. A few days of sleep-deprivation and I would sell ANYONE down the river. So that's MI5/6 told, if they're still trawling Mumsnet for people.

FullOfChoc hope it helps! I had a sudden realisation that we needed a new strategy well before they were teenagers (and bigger than me)!

Lateness is a hard one for me. If things get really bad I try and do the 'will this matter in a years time' type of thinking.

I also had to stop meeting a particular friend as often as I used to, she is lovely but very militant and very unforgiving with lateness, my stress levels would be right up before we even started getting ready, if the DCs dared be slow, or wet themselves , or need a poo then I just couldn't hold the stress in! ....then I'd even get road rage on the journey (most unlike me). In the end I decided to stop putting everyone through the ordeal and just meet up once a year!

If I am meeting more relaxed friends I am much more likely to be on time and less shouty, I'd not disrespectful and late but with 3 or 4 small DCs to get out of the door you need to have friends who can at least be a tiny bit understanding. If I am meeting one of my relaxed friends just don't shout particularly as I know I can just call ahead and sort something out.

On a school morning I have found that reducing the choices has helped, they can have porridge or rice Krispies. They also cannot eat breakfast until they are dressed and ready to go (coats aside, but they do need to have socks and shoes on), that way there are less things to shout about...

When you feel like shouting just pretend you've hurt yourself and go 'arghhhhhhh' really loud. It's the only shout kids really listen to! Then when they say 'are you ok mummy' just say 'I was so cross I fell and hurt myself, maybe if you are really good I won't get cross'. It's just an idea..was just thinking of ways you could still shout loud and get your anger out without saying anything wrong it's probably a stupid idea though!

I used to like aha parenting but more recently I found her a bit TOO perfect and preachy and realised I'm not very good at the gentle thing even though that's how I'd like to be :(

Taking shoes is an interesting idea...

I always wonder how people manage the pretending thing. I am never in a fit state to pretend anything once I've got myself worked up.

We all seem to expect such a lot from ourselves, it builds pressure.
Be utterly ruthless in cutting out/back anything that makes you feel stressed where possible (friends/groups/clubs/family) makes you feel instantly calmer and more in control.

this thread is just what I need! This morning things were going swimmingly until my ds (2) got distracted by something and completely tuned me out just when we were doing the last few rushed things before leaving for nursery (teeth, shoes on, jacket on...nothing difficult!). Cue immediate and totally unexpected rage from me with some shouting and a sad little boy trudging off to nursery with his dad.

I still feel like shit.