How do you stop yourself shouting at your children?

[Keeponmovin123]

I used to think I was calm when it came to parenting but I'm starting to find that part of me has been replaced with a shouty/annoyed/dare I say angry mother?

My kids are 4.5, 3 and 15 months. I have shouted at all of them, including the baby, this week and I'm so upset with myself. I didn't use to shout and now that I have started in the last six months or so, I am finding it hard to stop. Admittedly I am tired and I know I have a lot to deal with, but I find the squabbling / general difficult behaviour / not listening hard to deal with. I know there are many years of parenting ahead and I'd like to break myself out of this habit now.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom or coping strategies so that you do something else other than shout? Once you become a shouter can you get yourself out of this phase?

Thanks in advance

We had a pretty bad day all told. Feel like I barked at the DDs all day. DD1 has been sent to bed because she wouldn't eat her dinner. I'm putting dd2 down now. They are tired so need the early night, then I'm going for a walk down the beach for 10 mins to clear my head.

We are so much better out of the house, as soon as we're home we seem to wind each other up.

I'm finding it very hard to find any joy in parenting at the mo. It's all such a frustrating unrewarding grind.

Put them in a safe place and leave the room then scream at the wall

I actually lost my rag with DS the other night when he threw his baby bolognese on the floor. Really told him off, then started mopping again

Felt so guilty.

I shouted at my teenager this morning, and then burst into tears of frustration - I am just so sick of every.single.morning. being the same - he never, ever gets ready for school on time. The other day I just left him to it, he walked in and was sightly late but 'got away with it' so wasn't even bothered about the threat of detention.

I wish I knew the answer looking forward to him leaving home.

The tv was indeed on most of the day morning glow ! Thankfully grandad came to our rescue and had dd for the afternoon and ds slept on the sofa, bless him.

All we can do is our best which sometimes is frankly rubbish . I do usually at least apologist to the kids if I've had a shouty day - I think it's healthy for them to see we all have limits, but that ruptures can be repaired.

DriveMeMad it sounds really frustrating, I feel for you. It sounds like there's a lot of power struggles, though - food is a classic - and I've come to learn (but still often forget) that you can't really win a battle of wills with a toddler. I know it's probably a stupid question but why do you get so upset about her eating her dinner? I get worried about DD's eating myself but at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to eat, maybe she's not hungry?

Kids really pick up on tension. Now that you are anxious about her eating, you probably radiate it and she picks up on it - and either it stresses her out so she can't eat, or she uses it as toddler testing ground.

In the book I mentioned, the writer mentioned an example of a mum who had to leave the room when it was time for the kids to eat. She was stressed about it. And it worked, the kids would eat when she wasn't there radiating tension. Easier said than done, I know from personal experience, but maybe worth a try?

Either way I think you CAN change things. You just have to let go about her dinner, and leave her to it.

You could also try having a picnic dinner? Just to make it a more fun experience. Or ask her what she would like to eat.

I was doing quite well tonight, until she pointedly started to drop things on the floor after I asked her not to. I don't know about you but these days I don't have a build-up to anger - I just lose my rag instantly. I think that's very much exhaustion talking!

Here is the but that's in the book:

www.janetlansbury.com/2010/10/dodging-a-toddler-food-fight/

Dinner was and often still is a nightmare. What is working is putting everything out in individual bowls and asking DS what we need now - oh! silly me! we need plates! And off we go for plates, then cutlery then drinks. The ask him what he wants to try - putting tiny bits on his plate and adding more if he likes it.

Meal times were so stressful and we still have evenings when everything is chucked on the floor - I'm super focussed on what he eats and worry that he will be hungry in the middle of the night and sometime he is up and down like a yo yo after a dreadful day of eating. But....he then eats a massive breakfast.

I know myself that I need to calm down and stop worrying - he wont starve to death if he misses a meal and we need to mop the floor every night anyway so what's the big deal about an extra heap of food (this is bloody easier said then done though).

DH and I do seem to take turn about losing our rag so we can at least calm each other down. I think if we both exploded on the same night there would be MURDER

Thanks you both. DD1 is and always has been a marvellous eater. She's usually good at dinnertime but tonight was just messing about, fidgeting, turning round in her chair, playing with her dinner with her fork, flicking it, whining about the red/green bits etc etc etc. I knew she was hungry but she was just being a bit lazy. She wanted me or DH to help her (ie feed her) but we were both eating our own dinner so said we'd help when we'd finished but that she should keep eating in the meantime. Cue more picking, faffing, swivelling about. She'd been pressing my buttons all day so I went into the kitchen to get count to 10 but she must've kept prodding DH as it was him who sent her up and that's not like him.

Playing it back in my head... She was tired, and hungry, and just wanted some help. I'd been snappy all day and I guess my mood had rubbed right off on her. now I feel really awful as she just wanted some positive attention I guess, after I'd been cranky for most of the day.

Thing is, DD2 was ridiculously clingy and couldn't be put down come 4pm and I was stepping over all sorts of hazards whilst trying to sort dinner too. Totally not their fault though. I can see that now but was taking my own frustrations out on them. Poor little mites. No wonder dd2 was stressed with mummy stomping about.

I need more sleep and to do dinner earlier. They were both super tired me too and hungry tonight.

I do need to work on 'removing the stresses' though. I haven't meal planned for ages so I'm feeling massively disorganized for meals and that is having a knock on effect with our overall stress levels.

Anyways, enough rambling. Thank you for being supportive. We will all have better days tomorrow!!

I'm place-marking here as I need to come back and read it all properly.

Thank you for starting this really useful and supportive thread, OP.

Me too, this thread is just what I need. I hate being shouty mum, lots of good posts here. Thank you everyone.

Marking place as every single day I resolve to "do better" and let myself down usually in the final hour

The trouble with putting them in a safe place while you get some space to breath/count to 10/whatever works for you, is that it wouldn't work win my 2 year old.

Every night it's a constant "drink!" Then "wee!" Then "mummy cuddle me!"

The drink thing I can't ignore as I've just administered night time medication that can cause thirst, the wee thing I can't ignore as we're introducing potty training, and the cuddle thing is relentless if I dare ignore or try to delay. It goes like this:

2 yr old: "Mummy cuddle me!"
Frazzled Mum: "hang on a minute"
2 yr old: "Mummy cuddle me!"
Frazzled Mum: "hang on a minute"
2 yr old (louder): "Mummy cuddle me!"
Frazzled Mum: "I said wait a minute"
2 yr old (whiny voice): "Mummy cuddle me!"
Frazzled Mum: "will you just wait"
2 yr old (getting fractious): "Mummy cuddle me!"
Frazzled Mum: "LOOK! I'm going to cuddle you as soon as xyz"
2 yr old (reaching crescendo now): "Mummy cuddle me!"
Frazzled Mum: "hang on a minute"

If I walk away there is a massive scream, a meltdown that can be heard in central London, and my stress levels just soar.

If I try to give a cuddle and then get on with whatever needed doing, like putting my poor other child to bed, that does not suffice! It drives me mad and all I can do is clock-watch desperately wishing the bedtime routine didn't take 1.5 hours long.

I can't think of any way to stop this awful cycle without shouting

Well, my DD1 had a bad, restless night and I can't help thinking her recent problems with sleep is because of me. :-((

Anyway - she woke up early as well and is knackered - had a nuclear meltdown at breakfast time because I wouldn't let her have ALL the weaning spoons (needed one for DD2), threw her porridge on the floor then had a another meltdown when I said she couldn't have any more (though there were other cereals she could have). She threw a plastic spoon at my face. I managed to stay calm, apart from one moment when I picked her up by the arm to get her out of the kitchen as she wanted to dive into the heap of porridge on the floor.

EVERYTHING IS AWESOME.

Oh dear glow :( i feel your pain re breakfast: ds had a minor meltdown because I wouldn't give him anymore porridge oats until he'd finished what was in his bowl, I wouldn't give him a clean spoon halfway through eating, and I insisted he mixed in his oats to the existing milk rather than pour fresh. Unreasonable mummy huh?! And dd is being, well, a toddler. Which is enough to try a Saint! Have now dumped them on sofa in front of peppa pig.

Must get off here as I've got a migraine coming on (just what I need!) and screens make it much worse. Thank god for work tomorrow! Hope your day improves.

Just wanted to add, I meant oh dear as in solidarity, not as a criticism. I am definitely in a glass house and will not be throwing stones!!

I got it, Misty9! :-)

With a migraine coming you are definitely having a worse morning than mine - I hope it goes away pretty swiftly and your day has been bearable.

I've managed to keep screen time strictly educational until now, and at least she had a break when she was in the bath. She is having an early lunch and nap today (hopefully).

I have found it harder not to shout as they get older. One of my teens is so frustrating and appears to love nothing more than an argument. I went out for the day with friends a while ago and all they did was shout at their dcs all day and I thought gosh I would be so fed up if I was that child then it struck me I am exactly the same. It really made me stop and think. If I feel myself getting annoyed I try very hard to walk away or actually physically bite my lip as a reminder to not speak. I also find if I am fed up I am more shouty so try and do stuff for myself and rather than trying to fit it in around everyone elses needs I put it higher on my priority list. I know its so difficult though, I have 5 dcs so life can be busy but I always remember that saying 'if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy' (I am paraphrasing there also I do not know the origins of that saying so apologies in advance if its offensive)! I always cringe when people use that 'rule of thumb saying'.

How do you stop yourself shouting at your children?

I don't. At least once a day my voice is raised as the challenge little sod that is my toddler does something so toddlery it's not to be believed. In fairness he starts it!! I always thought I'd be the cool, calm collected mum. I was a much better parent before I had kids!

I also like Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton.

My DC are a bit older 8 and 12 so my main advice to those of you with younger children is cut yourself some slack. Parenting toddlers is hard work they can be relentless at times.

One thing I have noticed with my two is some bad behaviour is around competing for your attention and so allocating a bit of time where you focus on just one child can help a lot. This is easier if you have a partner at home so you can spend time with one child whilst they deal with the other(s) and vice versa. As they get older you can do bedtime with the younger one whilst the older one plays minecraft entertains themself. You can tend spend some time with the older one.

I am a great believer in routines too. Children like to take a bit of responsibility so if they know what to do next often they will get on with it without too much prompting especially if you notice and acknowledge that they have done it.

Oh hang on, no, I do like Laura Markham! It's Noel I have the irrational dislike of Sorry Laura

DS is seven and I agree: Under fives are much harder than you think they should be, and it does get easier. DS is still an arse sometimes but most of the time, he's great!

Mine are 11 and 13 and in some ways I wish I could turn the clock back as I was a really shouty mum when they were younger. DS in particular was very hard work, he still isn't easy, but he can be reasoned with now at least. I find things are worse when I'm stressed about something as it's easier to lose the plot then. Also I find walking away is effective (for older ones). They always say 'reward the good', as children often play up cos they want attention, so don't give them too much attention (Ie shout) when they misbehave. Depending on why we had to be on time, ie the changing shoes thing, I'd probably let him do it & be 5 mins late and next time allow more time or hide the other shoes!!

It is hard. Really hard. I have no solutions only sympathy.

I am really struggling with DC4 aged 3.6 at the moment. Everything is a battle. I have read book after book and tried a billion different strategies. Nothing seems to work.
It's frustrating, annoying and it makes me feel like I am going to explode.
I am sick of walking to school with a half dressed, shoeless, grumpy three year old waiting for him to decide he is ready to finish getting ready for nursery.
I am fed up of giving endless warnings that dinner is going to be ready only for him to sporadically shout "nooooo" and hide under the table annoying the other DC until he decides he is ready to eat. It messes up the evening routine for the rest of the family and it's frustrating for the other kids.

I agree that sleep helps. Counting to 5 genuinely saved my relationship with my daughter (though my son doesn't respond to it at all). But mostly, moving from a detached to a semi made a big difference as I really worried that SS may be called and realised a different approach was called for!