How do you stop yourself shouting at your children?

[Keeponmovin123]

I used to think I was calm when it came to parenting but I'm starting to find that part of me has been replaced with a shouty/annoyed/dare I say angry mother?

My kids are 4.5, 3 and 15 months. I have shouted at all of them, including the baby, this week and I'm so upset with myself. I didn't use to shout and now that I have started in the last six months or so, I am finding it hard to stop. Admittedly I am tired and I know I have a lot to deal with, but I find the squabbling / general difficult behaviour / not listening hard to deal with. I know there are many years of parenting ahead and I'd like to break myself out of this habit now.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom or coping strategies so that you do something else other than shout? Once you become a shouter can you get yourself out of this phase?

Thanks in advance

I'm so glad to find this thread. I am horrified at the way I lose my shit with DS1. TBF, he is very stubborn and emotional, just like I am, so we do rub each other up the wrong way at least once a day, but I know I need to be the grown up and show him how to manage that rather than model how best to lose control! We also have DS2 who is just 3 months old, and DS1 has just started school, so there's a lot of change going on for him.

My current coping mechanism is to remind myself that shouting only makes things worse, and deliberately get quieter rather than louder. It does seem to be more effective...

It really helps to recognise your triggers, like a few people have already said. I'm not shouty very often, but when I am it is almost invariably when I'm tying to get them to leave the house.

They are always remembering some 'vital' item at the last minute and wanting to dash off and look for it, and I'm yelling 'No! Why now?! We are going to be late!!!'

I have realised that this is because I cannot stand being late, whereas of course they don't care. So now I try and start earlier - give them a bit longer to get ready, and ask 'is there anything else you wanted to take with you today?' before we're actually due to leave! It's all about trying to anticipate and avoid trigger-points imo. Once the trigger has happened, it's very hard to fend off the red mist!

5,4 and 3 yr old and tiredness is my killer plus a shout childhood and I so wanted it different. The only things that helps me is to be well rested as my tolerance goes up. More sleeplessness and my tolerance disappears. 8 have battled depression which only makes it worse as the littlest things require mammoth effort to handle with the energy reserves. Looking for advice as well.

I try every lent to give up shouting. It really is very difficult to stop for all the reasons already given.It is also hard to change a firm habit. But it feels good whem you do it. Then 10 mins later when your last button has been pressed or your last nerve trampled....Ican't lie...a roar releases wodges of endorphins....

Hi all, hope you've had good, calm days.

I'm pleased to say ours has been much better nothing to do with being completely child free between 9-3, no, not at all

I've made a conscious decision to be calmer and not engage in any battles. It's been really hard at times but it's bloody worked! We've also had an earlier dinner abd bath and they are just going to bed now but we've had no fussing or stropping or shouting at all... DC are going to bed now and we are all much calmer and happier than we usually are at this time of day.

DD1 definitely uses anything we ask her to do as leverage to get attention or wind us up. Ie rubbing daddy's arm/head/back at dinnertime. We asked her to stoop. She didn't and carried on plus was saying "look I'm rubbing daddy's head" so DH just quietly got up and went to try kitchen whilst I asked dd1 about her day to change the subject. Normally it would've been a battle of wills between all three of us!!! So I've been asking her to do something or stop or whatever and keeping calm, giving her more time to digest the info/request and take action, asking again, even calmer, asking a third time just as calm (so so so hard) and then doing it myself if she won't. She's looked a bit surprised at times but we've all stayed calm and had no palavers.

Another thing, (which makes me sad actually - to think this is an effort to do) is that I've been really listening and talking to DD1 today. Properly engaging. Rather than giving her a distracted or dismissive response - and - I've sad yes to things I would normally say no to. And it's made me realise that I say no a lot when she asks to do things simply because I can't be arsed (eg. blowing armbands up for the bath) rather than for any real reason.

Gah. Tough this parenting malarkey.

This thread is marvellous.

I had been doing very well with not shouting till this morning. DD1 (3.7) just WOULD NOT LISTEN when I was trying to talk calmly after she hurt her baby sister and I just lost it. She was pretty good for the rest of the day, though. I'm worried I really scared her.

Like others have mentioned, I worked out that shouting just didn't work. She'd switch off when I yelled, or yell back and I realised that it was because she was scared of me when I shouted. So I tried to cut it out. Breathing helps, taking a mental step out of the situation helps, and remembering that she's just little.

I'm going to have to read Laura Markham. I'm pregnant with DC3, and having a 3 year old and a 1 year old is bloody hard work. I find myself more stressed at the moment and have a VERY short fuse.

DriveMeMad That last part really resonates with me. I also say No to DD1 a lot, and most often it's just because I can't be bothered. Yesterday we did some colouring together, and because we do things like that so rarely she sat happily with me for 2 hours! I must try harder to make her feel loved.

Getting ready for school is the red rag to my proverbial bull too. They juse have no sense of urgency. So after getting up 30 mins earlier... Writing rules on boards... Pleading... Many other tactics (5 and 7) I now put everything in the car and place the ipad and my iphone on their car seats. They get in pretty fast now. Doesn't always work but it's the best (flawed) solution i have right now.

I have three DCs aged 2, 4 and 6 and am ALWAYS shouting, I feel the red mist appear every morning. I don't think we have got into the car without some sort of argument.
I agree with PP that the main carer (whether it be mum, dad etc) need to make some time for themselves.
I have friends that have 'lie in' days where their husbands get up with the kids and let them have a few hours. I am so envious!!!
My husband works long long hours (self employed) and on the rare occasion that he is even here on the weekends, he is so exhausted I could never ask him to get up with the kids!
I have decided, after a few too many stressful months, I am going to have a few months of online food shop. I stopped doing it once I gave up work, as it felt unjustified, also wanted to try life to save some money, and I know some wouldn't see this as a treat but I am very excited about giving myself a break from the shops with the kids

Try Lidl not life

Sweetiexpie - ocado delivery every single bloody week here. I would simply not survive a supermarket shop. And i don't work either. Do not feel guilty - you'll save money on not buying the impulse things. Or at least i feel i do. Plus you can (much easier) compare price per kg or 100g or item against other brands / types so i often feel i buy 'smarter' too. And it saves the petrol.

I too definitely do the saying no because I can't be bothered thing a bit too much... :( the thing is, I don't particularly enjoy playing with small children although I admit that when I just do it, it's not as bad or boring as I worry it will be and time goes faster .

Luckily the migraine didn't progress but I did lots of shouting as we were in the city today and ds is always a bloody whinging nightmare for a week or so after he's been ill. Dd is just miss independent and won't let me help with anything - and is dropping her nap at 17 months. Noooo! We got home and ds threw himself onto the stairs sobbing, and dd copied him (not because she was upset). I had to laugh before I cried , it was quite a funny sight

I'm upping my days working from three to four next month and feel bad that I'll miss out on time with them - but it'll probably be a nicer environment at nursery! I can't decide what's worse - missing mummy at nursery, or shouty mummy at home...

I'm hoping that as long as we end the day with a hug and an "I love you" then it's not too bad...right?

Right, Bake Off and Dr Foster!

Online shopping all the way here!

Online shopping absolutely. Most places deliver for a minimal cost or even free and I definitely find I spend less money.

It is so worth it for the reduction in stress.

Byrdie - sorry silly question, but is Ocado just an online shop or do they get stuff from different supermarkets, sorry I know I sound so daft!!
My brain has frazzled out!!

Byrdie that is genius!! Screens can be useful like that. I used to let DS watch Peppa Pig on channel 5 if he was ready in time and he knew that when Peppa Pig finished it was time to leave the house - total brilliance because it was a fixed point in time which didn't move.

Misty I totally could have written what you did about playing. The thought of it is torturous. Actually doing it is nice every once in a while but torturous when it goes on for too long or when you have to do it several times a day. When I have another one (we are thinking of it eventually...) I think I will be more rigid on mummy playtime vs mummy busy time, and not spend all of my time trying to cadge myself more of the latter while feeling guilty because I'm not spending 100% of the time on the former. They are more fun to play with when it's novel and I can enjoy the playtime when I know it has an end point, too.

I used to love online shopping. Just think of all that wasted time in the supermarket! Whereas online I can meal plan and get lost in Pinterest and facebook at the same time.

Sweetie - Ocado is the old waitrose delivery. They used to be just waitrose products but now they aren't part of waitrose anymore they have other stuff. They do a tesco price match on lots of branded things and deliver free in some areas on some days. What is best about them is that they very very rarely (here anyhow) have substitutions which really annoyed me with other supermarket deliveries.

Thanks Byrdie, I am going to start this week, I do love Lidl but can never do a full shop as they don't have everything, and always have the baby in tow ??
Am excited now xxx

Ocado is online Waitrose.

I used to use tesco online mostly, never had a problem with them :)

It depends where you live with tesco. If you live near a big tesco then usually you are ok but we used to live by a big one and a small one and first off no issues then i kept getting subs - everytime 3 or 4 and i asked the driver why and he said it's because they changed to picking for our area at the small one. Ocado come direct from a warehouse and they do conveyer picking there so not from a supermarket shelf so they have more stock control. I spend far too much time chatting to the drivers clearly!!

Ahh! I didn't know that. That's really interesting, thanks :) I did used to live by a big one. One that opened in their first wave of 24 hour stores and the original tesco takeover.

Well done, DriveMeMad!!

Hello, I have an 18 month old who really seems to know his own mind already. I was finding things a bit difficult there for a wee while with him, and thought, oh god I'm feeling like i could start shouting, but really didn't want to, I had quite a shouty time growing up and I know now it wasn't meant unkindly, but I think it made me really nervous as a kid, and always wanting to please. Anyway a few years ago i worked in a speech and language school, and i thought I would try some of the things we did there, with my son, and that has really helped us. For example he used to get very upset coming out of the bath, and I realised it was because he wasn't ready. That was one of the things we did in the school, preparing the children for change, what was about to happen. So now I say to my son, "in one minute we'll come out of the bath" let him play a little and then remind him "its time to come out the bath, say goodbye to your toys" and count him down from 10, and now he comes out no problem. It's mad, why I didn't do it before! He actually waves at his toys and tries to stand up now. Also at this age when giving instructions trying to use as few clear words as possible, and giving a choice of two things, to give my son a sense of control, it has really helped to stop any tantrums before they start. So getting down on his level, make sure he's listening by "looking at mummy, you need to hold mummy's hand... or sit in the buggy" wait a second for him to process it, then repeat it exactly. We learnt that through the speech and language therapists at the school and that really works. My son doesn't have a speech and language difficulty, but he is learning how to speak at this age, so it makes sense to use the same techniques. I think a lot of children's frustration, anger, tantrums, that drive us round the twist come from, at this age, not understanding what is happening, and lack of control. It must be very frustrating for them, so if we can give them a clear choice, allow them time to process what's happening, I think it helps avoid outbursts. I hope this helps OP! Also we used to have the traffic lights at the school for some kids charts, they are helpful for older children. Xx

by remembering that they are only little

and that the mess/noise etc will always be there - there is NOTHING I can do about it.

I go to the bathroom, sit there, splash face with water/put on make up etc then return and have a calm stern chat with them about the specific behaviour

my mother regularly lost it at home - violently and unpredictably - i never want my kids to see that in their home which is supposed to be their sanctuary too