Confronting a 14 year old about weight gain

[proudmama2772]

Anyone else done anything like this. I'm really interested in hearing others stories - because I just had a difficult conversation with my ds.

I've been concerned about her weight gain for nearly a year now, but never said anything. I started jogging with her and then didn't keep it up. There is no way to discuss this without causing upset and I don't want her to be uncomfortable with her body. She has gone up two dress sizes and the weight gain seems to be escalating. She is 5' 2" and is a size 10. Most of the girls at her school look overweight to me and I know many of them have unhealthy eating habits. They buy donuts before school or will eat an entire bag of crisps. My ds thinks she is under average for her age - I don't think so.

When she is at home she doesn't seem to overeat - but I will stop her. Stopped buying sweets, cookies, ice-cream. I felt like I had to say something because I think she is doing this while she is out with her friends.

Ughhh.

I think the OP is getting a hard time. I am 5'2" and am a healthy size 4/6 - shorter women actually gave their healthy range big bMIs skewed downwards from the average height BMIs.

At 14, I was much thinner, and if I was a size 10 in today's size, I would most definitely be overweight. I find it worrying how normal it is now to be overweight, and how skewed perceptions of normal weight in children are.

The OP is worried by an increase in weight recently compounded by a lack of awareness of healthy eating and exercise. Completely understandable as if her daughter continues on this trajectory, she would be an unhealthy and overweight adult.

The tricky thing is that the OPs daughter is at the age where her peers have more influence than her parents, a pond the healthy eating/healthy lifestyle message which the OP would like to send is getting ignored - worry some as a recent study has shown that poor peer habits seem to be the cause of teens being overweight in households where the parents are not overweight.

OP, I would sit your daughter down and have a talk with her about healthy eating, which is about balance, and healthy lifestyle habits. Model them by cookin healthy meals and having her help out. Continue the exercise - even if it is just a brisk walk with your daughter. How about making it a bonding time with her so it is not a chore, but a pleasant experience for the two of you.

Do NOT talk about weight - health and fitness should be the key messages. It will take time and persistence, but definite make the message lifestyle and not short term dieting.

Lynette the thing is, if she wanted to avoid an issue this whole post and the difficult chat wouldn't exist.
Sorry but to me, the common sense approach if you have a genuine concern is: weigh child, if child is healthy have general chat about eating greens, if child is overweight explain how this isn't good for them.

That's simple. Not going to result in a complex.

Not based on how they look but medical common sense.

But posting on a forum and having a difficult chat based on looking alone ... maybe I'm being pernickety here but how can you be concerned about pounds and ounces when you've not measured said pounds and ounces?
Inevitably it kind of looks ... regardless of real intention ... like someone worried their kid looks chubby/fatter than they'd prefer.

Sorry about all the typos, I am a terrible typist to start with, and worse on an iPad with corrective typing.

I don't know, what is your point ?

the only "points" I have seen you make so far is that she is a size 10 which is worrying you, that she eats unhealthily (which most teens do), that too many teenagers are overweight (which is not true, many girls I see are very thin due to role models like Katie Price etc) and you are convinced she will go the same way if you don't "confront" her

I don't consider any of those points to be valid at all. If you'd like to throw another one into the mix, go right ahead

My 14 year old is all finished with puberty now (started early) She is about 8 round her hip and a 6 elsewhere.She looks right on the cusp of Ok to me.10 is hefty for a short 14 yr old I think.

Squizita - I have tried encouraging her towards dance - she did Jazz class for a couple of years until she was 12, she liked doing it and was quite good but gave it up cos she moved up a group and ended up with lots of older girls and ones of her own age who were 'perfect' (had done it from being toddlers). She did it with a couple of friends and they all felt the same - she would do it again as would one of her friends -but are worried about the 'perfect' girls and being so far behind. I can't persuade her to go to any other dance class.
I've told her I would support her doing anything she wanted to- ice skating, skiing, rock climbing, horse riding, sailing etc etc ...anything...but I can't find anything she wants to do .
I think part of the problem is a lack of emphasis on just having fun.
At school they do PE but there are really sporty types who are on teams etc - really competitive. So girls (and indeed boys) like DD just give up and don't try...so then it isn't cool to be active. Things like play parks are generally aimed at younger children...recently on holiday we went to somewhere which had an older child area -with a mini assault course and zip wire etc. We were mainly there for DD2 (8) and DD1 wasn't interested...until I had a go at part of it - then she was off speeding along the course...climbing a tree - just having fun....
If only I could find something like that nearer to home...

Momin YY to that approach.

On the topic of size 10 ... grown up size 10 shops ARE huge (eg I'm size 10 in Topshop, size 6 in Dotty P's and M&S). Hence my suggestion to go by BMI which thanks to the Internet calculates for your height.
At 5"2 for an adult (because that's me) it ranges narrowly - from about 52-62kg if I recall correctly. I'm in that bracket and size 10 as I have a broad pelvis (which looks bony and sticks out when I'm in healthy bmi!).

Without measuring you can't just rely on clothes size.

Amy brace yourself. In my family a few gals have started periods and settled into a bra size ... then bam at 16 it's a second wind! (With all the hormones!!). And we suddenly have to buy boulder holders lol.

You mean dd as in daughter or d's as in dear sister or son?
My dd is size 10 and 5ft 5 and those 3 inches surely can't make your dd pudgy?
Or is she really thin with a fat tummy?

squizita

you just want to blast parents who see their child gaining weight and confront them about their eating habits. . I seriously doubt she would fall outside of healthy guidelines. I try to be a parent who wouldn't let that happen - who would try to do something BEFORE that happened. Sooner or late if she gains too much - it won't matter if I think she is pudgy or not. She'll be unhappy with her body - that's what I am trying to avoid.

I've been fat and thin - a lot of my life. I'm middle aged and I don't care so much about my appearance. But when I was 16 I didn't have to worry about it. I want that for my kids.

But weigh her - seriously? You recommend parents weigh their 14 year olds daughters and you are professional counselor? I'm baffled. Can you not see how that would cause issues.

I think your suggestion is worse than what I actually did.

its tricky. My 14 year old ds is looking a bit podgy these days. he eats loads. I think its probably just a pre-puberty thing, but I have told him if he wants to eat so much then he needs to get off the computer and do some exercise too because its not good for his joints (hypermobile)

Its mainly since he started his new school and he gets transport door to door.

Unlucky I know what you mean about "perfect" - so many classes seem to go beginner to expert, no in between.
I always used walking as exercise. Got a pedometer and set myself little targets when I'm to busy to swim or dance. Reward myself for hitting 5 days 10000 steps (eg a nail polish, a Costas or something). Would that work?

I suggested going to the GP for a check up initially, and then in later posts not discussing weight without having the data.
Because how can you discuss it without data without just saying "I think you look fat?" - if not in words (and you can't delete words you've said) then impression.

I am not a counsellor, and have at no point claimed to be one. I work with a range of young people, with counsellors, teachers, mentors and SAFE workers.

I am not blasting people. I have no desire to blast anyone.

I fully understand you feel attacked.
TBH you should proof read before hitting "send" because not just me lots of people were shocked by your OP and that's given an impression of you that's not as pleasant as the real you.

I am encouraging her to walk - but she (like most teens) is glued to her phone/laptop most of the time...suggesting she goes to the shop for some milk will always result in her buying some crap...
Another solution might be an exercise bike generator - needed to charge the router...might get result in more active teens!

There are various fitness apps (including one called life rpg which is a whole life motivation app ... you win a rpg style game by completing to do lists you create) where they can compete against friends. My fitness pal is a good one. Though of course it relies on honesty and not getting addicted to the app!

squizita

How does weighing your daughter not give her the impression you think she looks fat?

OP - I am sorry but I really really think you have a distorted view of your daughter. If you continue like this she WILL end up feeling dissatisfied with the view she has of her body. At the moment you are pushing her toward being unhappy. Please leave her alone.

I would say eat healthy, join a gym if possible (or do outdoorsy stuff) then back off. I speak as the teenager who went through it (and now a mother). I was 16st as a not 4ft 11 16 yo!

My parents went to great pains to point out my weight and start things but did not address their own eating / habits so I ate a lot of crap and a limited diet. Ergo nothing changed till I hit 16 went to college and stopped eating (read minor depression)!

Thankfully I met my now husband, balanced out and found out I love the gym (I hated most school exercise)!

At 32 I love food (and wine) but post child don't get to excercise as much so at 12 - 14 dress size I know could be a tad slimmer and will prob end up with lipo for my teenage belly left over.

My point is do address your own issues - you may not realise it but your daughter will grow up to remember them rather than your (possibly justified) concern!!

Are we getting US and UK sizes mixed up? Because I am 5ft, a UK 10, and not even remotely chubby.

Personally I wouldn't address weight or appearance at all - Id only talk about healthy eating and the importance of drinking loads of water and eating fruits and veg and protien etc etc with exercise - Id focus on things like helping to prevent colon cancer, high cholesterol, diabetes and those types of things - and that habits set up now last a life time

I'd also make sure I was practicing what I was preaching - we are their role models

And I'd make sure I had loads of healthy food in the house

and Cook her a healthy breakfast - it's hard to desire a donut before school if you've just had scrambled eggs and fruit salad

fit.webmd.com/teen/bmi/calc-bmi

I went to the BMI calculator for teens and she is 76%. Not overweight but heading in the direction if she continues to gain. In hindsight I'm definitely right to be concerned but should have approached her differently.

whetherornot - thanks for your comment but couldn't disagree with you more. If she keeps heading this direction she will be dissatisfied in a year or so. I don't have distorted view of her and don't need her to be perfect - simply care about her feelings, happiness and health.

I shouldn't have mentioned she had gained a little weight. I don't want to worry her. I should have just got her into exercise and told her to stop eating sweets after school.

Thanks for all the comments must go now.

I despair. Honestly. Poor girl.

Hang on, so you do know her weight?

And, ffs, you DO think she looks fat. You want to talk about her weight.
If you had a weight at least she would know, and you would know factually she's NOT FAT.

You think it's concerning she's inside her healthy range (BMI is NOT a goal to hit the bottom of). In the healthy range is in the healthy range FULL STOP.

Ok you've gone back to rather unpleasant (hypocrite or liar regarding weighing) in what you have chosen to write on a public forum.

Feel free to blame everyone else for choosing to write:
-you think weighing teens is horrible
but
-you weighed her
and
-she's inside healthy BMI but not at the thin end and you see that as a problem.

Because of course that's us, mis reading you.